Chapter 4 — Expressing Compassion + NVC Flashcards
★What is the impact of negative emotions on brain learning? Health? 55
Brain learning: Negative emotions Reduces/Impairs/Hampers
◊ The brain’s ability to learn
◊ To take in new knowledge and skills
◊ Impairs access to working memory = raw material for creativity
◊ Hampers curiosity, cognitive agility, and creative and strategic thinking
Self-Criticism (Strong Inner Critic) Depletes brain resources, making it difficult for the client to move forward.
Suppression of Negative Emotions leads to:
♣ Higher levels of negative emotions
♣ Worsening disease symptoms
♣ Vulnerability to errors and poor judgments when the brain function is impaired by fear
What is the evidence-based impact on health of physicians with high empathy scores? 55
Physician’s Health Likely to have good control of blood sugar and cholesterol levels.
Impact on the Physician’s/Coach’s Client
◊ The coaches better able to help clients handle the negative emotions.
★How does compassion support self-determination? 56, 58
Self-Compassion Leads to Self-Determination 58
- Interconnectedness of all of humankind — supports one’s most basic need for relatedness.
- Behaviors driven by love - Feelings of confidence and a sense of security (are more likely)
- Frenzy is tamed Leading to a calmer heart and mind Better able to make wise and intentional choices informed by emotional intelligence
- Autonomy is supported by reflection and choices in line with one’s —Values, needs, and motivations —
- Better behavioral choices lead to an increased chance of success or mastery experiences —Completes the circle of building confidence or a sense of competence
Kristin Neff (2011) — Started the self-compassion movement. Studied self-compassion as a method of processing negative emotions and suffering well. Self-compassion toward one’s negative emotions leads to a softer, kinder motivation that improves the brain’s ability to learn
Neff’s Formula for Self-Compassion — In this sequence 56
- Mindful acceptance of negative emotions
- Part connection to others who share similar negative emotions
- Self-kindness — Example: Cross both hands over the heart
Describe Dan Goleman’s Low Road and High Road Emotional Reactions. What benefit is derived from a High Road ER? 56
◊ Low Road Emotional Reaction: Occurs automatically. Example: Sudden noise in the night causes our heart to jump
◊ High Road Reaction: Occur when we reappraise a situation, halting the further release of stress hormones, adrenaline and cortisol. Reappraisal dampens the overactive amygdala.
The High Road Reaction = Reappraisal Process is a matter of
◊ Increasing awareness of unconscious interpretations
◊ Bring relevant filters (Values, Beliefs, Culture) to consciousness
◊ Introduce positive changes in our perspectives
When we can mindfully distinguish between an event and our interpretations of it, we are setting the stage for optimistic reappraisal.
What is the role of the coach when it comes to working with a client’s negative emotions?
What is the role of the Coach in all of this?
♣ Support clients to make reappraisal a conscious, ongoing process
♣ Name and normalize the low road reactions Calm the amygdala by naming the threat More constructive activity in the problem-solving portion of the brain
♣ Create an oasis for clients that is
◊ Calm
◊ Mindful
◊ Undistracted
◊ Positive ≥ 3 Positives : 1 Negative
♣ Support clients and learning from their behavioral experiments
♣ Substitute curiosity for negative self-talk that can come from perceived failure
What happens when negative emotions are suppressed? 56
Suppression of Negative Emotions leads to:
♣ Higher levels of negative emotions
♣ Worsening disease symptoms
♣ Vulnerability to errors and poor judgments when the brain function is impaired by fear
What is the impact of positive emotions on the body-mind? 56
Barb Fredrickson (2009). Keep a Positive: Negative Emotion Ratio ≥ 3 + Emotions: 1 Negative Emotion. Positive emotions improve
♣ Attention
♣ Open-mindedness
♣ Creativity
♣ Ability to reach a strategic perspective
★Define empathy.
How does empathy relate to compassion? 55, 57
Empathy: The respectful understanding of another person’s experience, including his or her feelings, needs, and desires.
Empathy is the work of coaching.
The more client feels “stuck” and able to move, the more important it is for coaches to express empathy and to the discomfort of being on offense.
Empathy necessitates both emotional and cognitive awareness to appreciate a person’s experience, to connect respectfully, and to give voice to what people may be feeling, needing, and desiring. Empathy requires full engagement and deep appreciation. There is no hurry or judgment and empathy; rather there is a safe, calm, no-fault zone where people can discover and develop their truths. Empathy treasures emotion as a guest. its impact is to open clients up to significant learning, growth, and change.
Example: “I respect your pain.”
“I celebrate your joy.”
In being empathetic, we recognize the emotion for what it is and appreciate what it has to teach us. Empathy necessitates conscious engagement of emotional intelligence and the intuitive dance of dialogue.
_______________
Self-Compassion — Kristin Neff (2011) — Has 3 elements
- Self-kindness
- A sense of common humanity — interconnectedness
- Mindfulness
The Relationship Between Empathy and Compassion: 55
When coaches radiate warmth, patience, and empathy, clients are better able to let go of the past, accept themselves, and feel self-compassion.
What is the meaning of Self-Compassion? What does it mean to suffer well and calm one’s inner critic? Define self-compassion. 57
Self-Compassion — Kristin Neff (2011) — Has 3 elements
- Self-kindness
- A sense of common humanity — interconnectedness
- Mindfulness
This kindness may need to be accompanied by a — willingness to be vulnerable and be truly seen, imperfections and all.
It is important to acknowledge that each person’s situation is impacted by the environment as much as it is by individual choice. Social context and environment (people, places, and things) are equally important to address when considering behavioral change and identifying solutions for improved life experience.
Self-compassion involves openness to experiencing the full range of human emotions so that they are acknowledged and honored without suppression, avoidance, exaggeration, or rumination.
My Answer — One who suffers well is aware of their own negative feelings and accepting of them without judging. A feeling is just a feeling. A thought is just a thought. They are kind to themselves and others who are suffering. By accepting that they and everyone else is human and have negative feelings, the power of the negative thoughts and feelings is lost. The person is free to make better behavioral decisions. Self-confidence grows. And, this leads to self-determination.
When behaviors are driven by love, rather than fear, feelings of confidence and a sense of security are more likely to take hold. Frenzy is tamed, leading to a calmer heart and mind. When a client is calm, he or she is better able to make wise and intentional choices informed by emotional intelligence. Autonomy is supported by being reflective and making choices in line with values, needs, and motivations. Better behavioral choices lead to an increased chance of success, or mastery experiences, which completes the circle in building confidence or a sense of competency for the next task. 58
Shame: Bred by harsh, self-critical judgment and is often kept hidden and secret to hide vulnerability. — Brene` Brown (2012)
What does Renée Brown say about shame? 57
Shame: Bred by harsh, self-critical judgment and is often kept hidden and secret to hide vulnerability. — Brene` Brown (2012)
What are the benefits of high self-esteem? What is the downside of the movement that focuses solely on fostering high self-esteem? 56 - 57
Benefits of High Self-Esteem
◊ Facilitates greater resilience through persistence in the face of challenge
◊ Leads to greater initiative
◊ Promotes leadership as those with higher esteem are more willing to speak up in group situations
◊ Has a relationship to feelings of happiness
Undesirable Outcomes of High Self-Esteem — Downside of the exclusive focus on fostering high self-esteem:
◊ Narcissism, coupled with aggression
◊ Increased focus on social comparison
◊ An inflated view of how others perceive the person with high self-esteem
◊ A willingness to be more critical of others
◊ A greater willingness to experiment with potentially risky health behaviors
In this case, goals are driven by the success or failure of others rather than one’s own autonomous motivation.
Contingent Self-esteem — Experienced by people who are preoccupied with questions of worth and esteem and to see their worth is dependent on reaching certain standards, appearing certain ways, or accomplishing certain goals. — Ryan & Brown (2003_
Promotion of Healthy Self-Esteem: Focus on —
◊ True sense of value
◊ Nonjudgmental mindset
★What is the NVC empathy protocol? 59 – 62
Table 4.1 Needs-Related Feelings: Needs Met vs Needs Not met 61 - 62
NVC
- Make observations not evaluations
- Express feelings not thoughts
- Identify needs, not strategies
- Make requests, not demands
Rosenberg’s method underscores an awareness of a causal connection between personal feelings and universal needs. When universal needs are being met, people feel good. When universal needs are not being met feel bad. These feelings and needs are often below the surface. No change is possible until and unless those needs are fully and respectfully recognized and expressed.
★Define each of the four key components of NVC 60
- Observations
- Feelings
- Needs
- Requests
- Make Observations not Evaluations: Describe what can be perceived by the five senses (sight, hearing, taste, smell, and touch) in specific times and places.
- Describe Feelings not Thoughts: See Table 4.1 Needs-Related Feelings. Unmet feelings and needs are often the surface. No change is possible until and unless those needs are fully and respectfully recognized and expressed.
- Identify Needs not Strategies. The distinction between universal human needs and specific strategies to meet those needs represents the crux of NVC. Needs represent our values, wants, desires, and preferences for a happier and more meaningful experience as a human. Needs are universal and all of us.
- Make requests, not demands. Use the language of requests. It is critical to respect both the autonomy of the person the possibility of the moment.
Using the NVC model, identify each of these statements: 60
I failed to exercise last week. I went to gym last week. I feel my boss is controlling. I feel that it is useless. I feel like a failure. I need to work out every day. I need to get going on the strategy. I need you to stop at the store. Would you be willing to tell me what you heard me say? What agreements would you be willing to make with regard to exercise in the coming week?
Evaluation Observation Evaluation Thought Thought Strategy Strategy Strategy Request
Request
What kinds feelings occur when needs are not being met?
♣ Hostile ♣ Angry ♣ Annoyed ♣ Upset ♣ Tense ♣ Afraid ♣ Vulnerable ♣ Confused ♣ Embarrassed ♣ Longing ♣ Tired ♣ Disconnected ♣ Sad ♣ Shocked ♣ Pain ♣ Exhilarated ♣ Excited ♣ Inspired ♣ Joyful ♣ Relaxed ♣ Curious ♣ Confident ♣ Engaged ♣ Hopeful ♣ Grateful ♣ Refreshed ♣ Affectionate ♣ Peaceful ♣ Relieved ♣ Content
