Chapter 10: Stresses and strains

Question 1

What is the perceived relational value?

Answer 1

• Our need to belong makes us care deeply about our partners’ opinions.
• Desire for partners to value our company, making us feel appreciated.
• Different acceptance levels: maximal inclusion to maximal exclusion.
• Feeling undervalued leads to emotional distress and dissatisfaction.

Question 2

Hurt feelings

Answer 2

• Feelings tied to others’ evaluations.
• Maximal exclusion causes significant hurt.
• Small differences in regard impact self-esteem.
• Sensitive to drops in perceived relational value.

Question 3

What is ostracism?

Answer 3

• Involves intentional ignoring, giving the “cold shoulder.”
• Potent form of rejection, threatening belonging, self-worth, and control.
• Reactions depend on needs threatened and attachment styles.
• Can lead to confusion, stress, emotional pain.

Question 4

What is jealousy?

Answer 4

• Negative emotion from potential loss to a rival.
• Encompasses hurt, anger, fear.
• Hurt from partner not valuing relationship.
• Anger from straying or rival involvement.
• Fear and anxiety from prospect of abandonment.

Question 5

What are the types of jealousy?

Answer 5

• Reactive jealousy: response to actual threat.
• Suspicious jealousy: unfounded suspicions.
• Boundary between them can be vague.

Question 6

What factors affect jealousy?

Answer 6

• Influenced by dependence, feelings of inadequacy, self-esteem.
• Attachment styles play a significant role.
• Personality traits like neuroticism and agreeableness affect jealousy.
• Dark Triad traits may provoke jealousy.

Question 7

Who evokes jealousy?

Answer 7

• Romantic rivals with high mate value provoke more jealousy.
• Rivalry from friends or former lovers is more distressing.
• Preferences and mate value play a role.

Question 8

What is the evolutionary perspective on jealousy?

Answer 8

• Jealousy evolved to protect relationships.
• Men sensitive to sexual infidelity, women to emotional infidelity.
• Interpretation of infidelity varies by gender.

Question 9

What are the responses to jealousy?

Answer 9

• Destructive behaviors include violence and efforts to make partners jealous.
• Constructive responses involve discussing concerns and strengthening the relationship.

Question 10

How do we cope with jealousy?

Answer 10

• Reduce link between relationship exclusivity and self-worth.
• Maintain self-confidence independently.
• Formal therapy can help cope with irrational thoughts.

Question 11

Deception in intimate relationships

Answer 11

• Deception is more common than jealousy.
• Involves creating a known untrue impression.
• Types include outright lying, concealing information, mixing truthful and deceptive info.
• Motivated by personal gain, embarrassment avoidance, or approval seeking.

Question 12

Types of deception and gender differences

Answer 12

• Men misrepresent ambition and income; women fake pleasure and orgasms.
• Lies for polite interactions are more acceptable.
• Approximately 97% admit lying to their lovers in the past week.

Question 13

Deceiver’s distrust and perception of lies

Answer 13

• Deception leads to deceiver’s distrust.
• Liars underestimate the harm of lies compared to victims.
• Consequences may be greater if discovered.

Question 14

Detecting deception

Answer 14

• Cues to detect deception are idiosyncratic.
• People learn to detect deception over time.
• Intimate partners often exhibit a “truth bias.”

Question 15

Betrayal in intimate relationships

Answer 15

• Betrayal involves harmful actions by trusted individuals.
• Erodes the perceived value of a relationship.
• Impacts relationship satisfaction.

Question 16

Individual differences in betrayal

Answer 16

• Some individuals are more prone to betrayal.
• Influenced by age, education, religiosity, attachment style.
• Men betray romantic partners more; women betray friends and family.

Question 17

The two sides to every betrayal

Answer 17

• Perpetrators underestimate harm; victims view betrayals as severe.
• Differing perspectives hinder effective communication.

Question 18

Revenge and its drawbacks

Answer 18

• Seeking revenge perpetuates harm.
• Falls short of satisfaction expectations.
• Vengeful individuals tend to be unhappy, display negative traits.

Question 19

The healing power of forgiveness

Answer 19

• Forgiveness involves relinquishing revenge and granting mercy.
• Contrition, empathy, reduced rumination are key components.
• Leads to improved well-being, satisfaction, and physical health.

Question 20

The limits of forgiveness

Answer 20

• Most beneficial for occasional misbehavior with genuine contrition.
• May not be advisable in the face of chronic betrayal.

Question 21

Forgiveness in intimate relationships

Answer 21

• More likely in committed relationships with empathy and sincere apologies.
• Benefits relationships by promoting repentance and reducing conflict.
• Essential in intimate relationships due to potential for pain and rewards.
• Consider context and partner’s actions when deciding to forgive.