Vickie Flashcards
How to make an apology? (3/3)?
When i did…. describe situation it was wrong
Acknowledge that it affected sb’s feelings
I am sorry
At the end: May say what you were thinking at that time
What women do when told that they are wrong?
They are afraid to admit it and be vulnerable. They become aggressive to cover that.
Unique traits of ADHD people (3) by William Dodson MD
Interest based nervous system - activates hyperfocus
emotional hyperarousal
rejection sensitivity
When teaching can occur?
Only after you have a bond.
Different bond for personal and professional communication.
Checking on each other every few days? 3/3
How full is your tank?
What can we do to fill it up?
Think for yourself along love language lines…
How to give encouragement?
It requires empathy. You must first learn what is important to your spouse!
You are trying to communicate: I know. I care. I am with you. How can I help?
Importance of the way we speak: an ancient sage from Gary Chapman?
A soft answer turns away anger
What not to do with failures of the past?
Let them be history!
Don’t let them pollute a potentially wonderful present.
We can choose to live today free from failures of yesterday.
What is beautiful about the failure?
You are not a failure because you have failed!
I am proud of you because you have found courage to try something risky!
What you need to do for someone who has quality time as love language? 3/3
Give her full attention
Do something that she enjoys doing
Do it wholeheartedly
What to do with Nikki’s unfinished tasks?
Complete them with love ❤️ and let her know so she knows that you accept her the way she is
“Finishing patrol”
You can’t teach the spouse like you teach children
In what settings to give praise and discipline?
Praise in public
Discipline privately
Even talk with someone else, good things about the kid in their presence. They may roll their eyes but they will for sure remember.
Providing quality conversation: how to get in touch with your feelings per Gary Chapman?
Note the emotions that you feel away from home
What emotions I felt in last three hours ? - ask and write down tid: event-feelings
Communicate those feelings with your spouse as often as possible
What is significance of emotions in our live by Gary Chapman?
We should communicate them to have quality conversation
Emotions are neither good or bed. They are simply our psychological responses to the events of life.
Self-revelation: a necessary process needed for quality conversation, requires expression of following components of every day events? (4)
Emotions
Thoughts
Desires
and eventually….
Actions
What to do when Nikki is using an argument that is not logical? (1-3)
Look for deeper meaning:
What are the emotions behind it?
What psychological need is she trying to satisfy by solving the issue her way?
Is it because of guilt of being good wife or mom?
What kind of effect my calmness may have on Nikki?
Irritating that I am not affected by fight
I shall express to her my feelings verbally
What is the most important phase of new plan?(1+5)
Maintenance phase
Keep checking periodically: how things are work working for us:
love language
communication
kids
sports
anxiety level
What is my task to do in “touch” project?
Talk to Nikki about need for touch
Whisper that she is not getting sex
Do some PDA in front of children
Continue with the conversation and touch exposure
How to praise and make somebody sensitive - only long term plan would work?
Praise rationale and actions to reinforce good thoughts
Once sensitivity is learnt, there is going to be my turn at some point…
Learn how to ask for touch though - Vicki says!
What is the goal of communications skills development?
That you can have difficult conversation without fear or avoidance of that - with anybody, but especially loved ones!
That you remember of Nikki’s good intention
That you can maintain a gentle presence regardless of the situation
How to downsize argument by giving it a score?
Score the importance of the topic for each of you on 0-10 scale
How to dissolve stress per Vickie? (4)
Say that you are going to vent.
Do it for 30 sec
Reassess whether you feel better
Ask yourself if you want to do troubleshooting now
How coaches work to achieve goal that hasn’t been achieved?
They recognize progress, but don’t criticize
They brainstorm together opportunities
The team goal is going to be below what the best member can achieve, but it can be realistically achieved by the entire team
Apply it to the relationship
What will happen if Nikki senses critique?
She will rebel and become defensive and aggressive
Nikki, Vicki and Hubert - we all know it.
Focus on her progress! Forget the wishy goal of yours and enjoy the change that have occurred!
She is motivated to make it better. Isn’t it the best that she can do in current situation?
The most important intervention?
Praise five times to be able to criticize once
Agree with emotions and ask how can I help you
What if Nikki brings the granade to the party?
I am still the responsible one, for pulling the pin.
I should apologize and NOT to expect apology for bringing the granade
After all, Nikki wants to see me vulnerable and apologetic
What shall I do if Nikki brings granade to the party?
Step back, take five deep breaths and DON’T, DON’T touch the safety pin
Four horsemens if relationship?
Criticism vs. complaint
Contempt - from sense of superiority and long simmering negative thoughts: sarcasm, eye-rolling, hostile humor, accusing of moral deficiency
Defensiveness as it /\ escalates the conflict
Stonewalling
Gottman: signs he uses to predict divorce? (6)
Harsh Start-Up
Four Hoursemen
Flooding
Body Language
Failed Repair Attempts
Bad Memories
What do I need to work on in interactions with people according to Vickie 2/26/24?
I am quite often right.
I have trouble convincing other people that I am right. (leadership role)
Be vulnerable. See their perspective. Crucial conversations.
How to take a break as a group in order to resolve conflict - per Vickie 2/26/24?
Take maybe 2-3 minutes or come back at a given time
Remember that we are the team or family that loves and supports each other
Have a purpose/task for the break. Let’s everyone come back with the idea of….
Otherwise some might be pondering during the break.
