Trick or Treat

Question 1

Intro: blah blah blah, etc etc
Knock at the door

Answer 1

1: Dude! Get that!

Question 1

2: Can you get this one?
3: Ohh, I dunno, I really don’t feel good.

Answer 1

1: I’m getting ready, come on!

Question 2

2: Fine.
Two opens door
Trick or Treaters: TRICK OR TREAT!
2: (unenthusiastically) Ooo, scary costumes. Here.
Two shoves candy at them
TOTs: Thaaank y —
Two slams door shut

Answer 2

1: Oh come on, that wasn’t nice.

Question 3

2: I fucking hate Halloween.
4: DOES ANYONE KNOW WHERE THE TAPE IS? I CAN’T GET MY HORNS TO STAY ON!
2: IN THE KITCHEN! God.

Answer 3

1: Can’t you put on a festive face on for one day? It’s my favorite!

Question 4

2: Fucking why? I just want to sit and watch TV and I’m constantly getting interrupted!
Knock at the door
2: Dude?
3: I ate way WAY too much candy.
2: How did you eat two whole bag, it’s only 8pm! The party hasn’t even started yet! Ugh! Fine!
Two opens door
TOTs: TRICK OR TREAT!
2: Wooooow.
Two shoves candy at them and slams door shut

Answer 4

1: Everyone is getting here for the party in just a few minutes. I really don’t want you to be sulking when they get here.

Question 5

3: Urff. Fuck. Why didn’t anyone stop me?
2: Why did you eat so much fucking candy? You’re an adult!
3: Exactly. I’m an adult. I’m allowed.
4: DOES ANYONE HAVE ANY SPIRIT GUM REMOVER? THIS IS BECOMING AN ISSUE!
2: Everything about this holiday seems custom-made to piss me off!

Answer 5

1: Oh, come on.

Question 6

2: No, I mean it! It’s a fucking kiddie holiday, first of all. I came to New York to make something of myself. I don’t need kids coming up to my place and taking some of my precious time and patience.

Answer 6

1: It’s not just for kids!

Question 7

2: Oh, really? What’s the part for adults? If it was in any way for adults, you’d ACTUALLY get drugs in the candy sometimes. That never happens, though. I’m not that lucky.

Answer 7

1: Well, you know how it’s a city tradition to trick or treat at storefronts? With all the weed stores outside, maybe you actually can now. Go get some gummies or something.

Question 8

2: All those weed stores are gonna be fucking Spirit Halloweens this time next year anyway. It’s depressing.
3: I did once go to an apartment that had whippets.
2: You did?
3: Yeah. The lady there had two dogs and brought ‘em to the door.
2: You’re fucking funny.
Knock at the door. Two gets up, opens door
TOTs: TRICK OR TR —
Two shoves candy at them, slams door shut

Answer 8

1: Oh, come on!

Question 9

2: Trick or treating is just a huge capitalist scam! Marking up shitty candy for way too much money and exploiting kids! It’s corporate greed at its worse!
4: EYEDROPS? ANYONE?
2: YOU HAVE NEVER WORN CONTACTS IN YOUR LIFE, WHY DID YOU BUY SCLERAS?
4: I DIDN’T KNOW WHAT SCLERA MEANT!

Answer 9

1: Okay, spoilsport, don’t ruin this party.

Question 10

2: Right, the party. I swear to God if John comes in a Barbenheimer costume, I’m gonna scream.

Answer 10

1: Would you give it a rest?

Question 11

3: My tummy hurts…
2: And why is Halloween the fuck holiday?! You’d think it’s be Valentine’s Day but no, that’s the day you cry to yourself about not being in a relationship while ignoring your Insta feed. Instead it’s HALLOWEEN for some reason. Right when it’s getting really cold out is when you’re supposed to be as slutty as possible.

Answer 11

1: If there’s a Grinch for ALL holidays, you’re it.

Question 12

2: Halloween in the beginning of the winter relationship death cycle. You hook up on Halloween so you can tell your Mom you’re seeing someone on Thanksgiving to get her off your back, get cool gifts on Christmas from someone trying to impress you, have someone to be romantic and schmoopy with on Valentine’s and then dump ‘en right in time for another hot girl summer and the cycle repeats. It’s depressing.
4: IS THERE A NEEDLE AND THREAD IN HERE? DO I HAVE TO GO TO RITE-AID OR SOMETHING?
2: JUST WEAR A FUCKING TRASH BAG AT THIS POINT!
4: NO, LAST HALLOWEEN I WORE ONE TO PROTECT MY CHIFFON FROM THE RAIN AND PEOPLE LIKED THE TRASH BAG MORE THAN MY ACTUAL COSTUME, I CAN’T DO IT AGAIN!
3: Uuuuuuurrrrrrrrrgggggghghhhhhhh…
2: Take a fucking Pepto and some insulin or some shit!

Answer 12

1; PLEASE don’t ruin the party?

Question 13

2: Oh, why? So that Nicole can show up in fake goth makeup again and beg to watch Fucking Nightmare Before Christmas for the nine hundredth year in a row? Fuck that, man, if you really want something scary, go to Port Authority. Why does everyone fucking LOVE this day so much? What is the fucking point?
Two sits and sulks. One is finally getting upset. Beat

Answer 13

1: Why did you move to New York?

Question 14

2: What?

Answer 14

1: Why here? Why come here and nowhere else, hmm?

Question 15

2: Uh. Well, because I didn’t want to live on anyone else’s terms. I didn’t want to be a fucking clerk at a Wal-Mart in Perrysburg.

Answer 15

1: You wanted to find yourself and live your dreams, right?

Question 16

2: I guess, kinda, yeah.

Answer 16

1: That’s why people love Halloween. That right there.

Question 17

2: Okay, Linus, what the fuck are you talking about?

Answer 17

1: Halloween is the one day of the year that we can TRULY get what we want. We get to be ourselves. We get to enjoy ourselves without any fear of judgement, or guilt, or anything. When you’re a kid, right? You get to eat pure candy. A lot of it. And your parents LET you. They take you TO it, even. Then you grow up, and you get to be a rebellious little shit. Egging houses and TPing places and fucking with Ouija boards and staying out in the graveyard making out until, like, 2am. Then you grow up a little more and you deal with all the bullshit of the world. You’re an adult now but you don’t really know what you’re doing and there’s all these EXPECTATIONS. Halloween is the one day you get to be stupid and slutty and play with how people see you and how you express yourself. You can EXPERIMENT. It’s the one day you get to dress however you want and nobody will judge you!

Question 18

2: That’s… kinda true,
3: There’s a reason people call it Gay Christmas.

Answer 18

1: Yeah! This is the ONE day of the year that you can live your fantasies, live your dreams, live your TRUTHS, and nobody judges, nobody harasses, nobody even questions it.

Question 19

3: Hey, like, have you noticed that John has dressed as a woman for Halloween for the last four years?

Answer 19

1: Yes I have.

Question 20

3: Do you think…?

Answer 20

1: Thou shalt not break the Egg Prime Directive. If John is a she, she’ll tell us when she’s ready. But this MIGHT be a part of that.

Question 21

2: I DO love Rocky Horror…

Answer 21

1: Exactly. Who doesn’t?

Question 22

2: I guess I hadn’t considered that.
3: Yeah. And then you get old and your job is to give that joy to others. To give out candy to other kids, and play Nightmare Before Christmas for your kids, and host parties, and help OTHERS slut it up.
2: It’s still all capitalist bullshit.

Answer 22

1: Name one thing in this world that ISN’T capitalist bullshit.

Question 23

beat
2: Fine.

Answer 23

1: If you don’t like Halloween, fine. But today is the day of being who you want. It’s the reason you came to New York.

Question 24

4: IF I WAS, LIKE, A SIM THIS YEAR, WOULD ANYONE JUDGE ME?

Answer 24

1, 2, and 3: YES!

Question 25

4: DAMMIT!
3: Can someone get me another Reese’s?

Answer 25

1, 2, and 4: NO!

Question 26

3: Dammit…
2: I guess it could be worse

Answer 26

1: Oh?

Question 27

2: After today, the Christmas people start getting loud.

Answer 27

1: Oh God, FUCK them!

Question 28

Knock at the door
2: Trick or treat?

Answer 28

1: How about both?

Question 29

2: I like both.
One and Two grab the candy, open the door, and everyone comes in to start the party
Outro: blah blah blah, etc etc

Answer 29

END OF SHOW