No Business Like Flashcards
Intro: blah blah blah, etc etc, it’s really long
Ghost: Anything?
Vampire: Not a thing.
G: What about you, Frank?
Frankenstein: Not a single new listing.
G: I don’t understand. It’s almost Halloween, when are the auditions going out?
V: I keep telling you there just aren’t any gigs out there for us anymore.
G: I can’t believe that, I just can’t.
Wolfman: What more proof do you need? This used to be audition season and now there’s just NOTHING out there!
Mummy: Maybe moving to New York to be actors was a bad idea.
F: I’m starting to agree.
V: It’s just dead out there. A real Ghost town.
G: That’s insensitive, Vlad.
V: Sorry.
Krampus: I keep telling you guys, you’re going about it all wrong.
W: Dude, we don’t want to hear it!
F: Yeah, seriously, shut up.
K: Alright, I tried.
V: Ugh, I dunno, they might have a point.
W: Vlad!
V: I’m serious! We are relics of the past! We must accept our dismal fate!
G: Vlad, come on, why do you say that?
V: The world has left us behind. There are no gigs for us anymore! I mean, look at me! I’M not getting gigs! Vampires are SEXY now! I’m not the leading man type they’re looking for these days.
W: I swear to God, if this is you on another Edward Cullen rant —
V: No! Before that! It started with Brad Pitt!
K: Honestly? No it didn’t. It started with Christopher Lee.
M: Making things sexy is the beginning of the end for us. Look what happened to me! They made the sexiest movies in the world for everyone of every sexuality and then the whole series went to dogshit — no offense, Wolfman.
W: None taken.
M: And since that died out, nothing! Brendan FRASER gets a career that resurrects itself but they push ME back into the sarcophagus!
G: Yeah. The Creature quit already and moved back to the Black Lagoon. He hasn’t gotten shit since Shape of Water.
M: Exactly my point!
V: That movie was hot, though…oh.
M: Dude, ew.
F: They haven’t even MADE a movie about ME in YEARS!
K: Well, Frank, maybe if you would open yourself up to more flexible branding —
F: Absolutely not! And stop calling me Frank! I am NOT Frankenstein! I am Frankenstein’s MONSTER and I insist upon being billed under my real name!
K: All I’m saying is don’t be surprised when people call you difficult to work with when you want to die on that hill! Again! Die AGAIN on that hill, whatever!
W: If things would stop filming at night, I’d get more work…
K: Werewolf movies kind of MOSTLY take place at night…
W: Can’t I get an accessibility accommodation?
K: OR they’ll just work with someone who WON’T maul the whole crew.
W: Discrimination, I tell you.
V: There are a lot of vampires on screen these days, at least, but they’re all either sexy, comedy, or Nosferatu! Or all three! Fucking Taika Waititi…. Where is good old Dracula, eh?
M: There’s vampire representation on Sesame Street, at least.
V: He doesn’t count!
M: I assure you he does.
G: I still can’t believe I didn’t even get a chance to audition for Phantom before it closed…
K: You DO know that he isn’t really a PHANTOM, right? He’s an actual GUY, that’s kind of the whole point of the show.
G: …Well, that’s not really fair.
F: You could always get a gig as a Theater Ghost. Haunt the place after hours? Lots of those gigs.
V: Yeah, I hear that’s where the real money is, anyway.
G: No way, I am NOT taking an offstage gig! I’ll wait tables forever first!
W: When you wait tables, the humans think the diner is possessed by a poltergeist and they run. I don’t think you’re gonna get much in the way of tips.
G: Well, I can’t do film. I don’t appear on cameras unless they’re double exposed!
W: Invisible Man, back me up here.
Long pause, looking for IM
F: I think he moved back home, too.
W: Figures.
K: HE saw the writing on the wall.
G: Oh, sorry, my bad, I’ll clean that up.
M: Hey, where’s Zombie?
K: Oh, HE actually gets work. He’s on set for the latest Four White Guys Named Chris right now. He hasn’t had ANY trouble finding gigs at all since The Last of Us came out.
W: Last of Us are NOT zombies and BACKGROUND WORK IS NOT REAL WORK!
K: Yes they are, and yes it is!
W: Is not!
K: If it pays and it gets you on an actual set , yes it is! Which is more than you can say!
Everyone falls silent
K: See, that’s what you guys don’t understand. If you want to hold out for your “artistic integrity” go right ahead, but the days of Abbott and Costello or the Scooby Doo gang meeting you guys are long over! Adapt or die! …Again. Die again, whatever.
V: Is that what you did, adapt?
K: Yes. Absolutely. I grew. I found a new, more profitable holiday to attach myself to, and what do I get? A genre-defining, revolutionary horror film major movie release that reinserts me back into the public eye. And I’ll be riding the residuals from it for years!
W: You know what? Fuck you, Krampus! You don’t even belong here!
M: Yeah, Christmas movies don’t count!
F: You’re no Halloween monster!
G: Get back in December where you belong, sellout!
K: I’m a monster, just like all of you!
V: You’re a hack!
Everyone screaming at each other. Suddenly, Zombie enters
G: Hey I thought you were on set all day?
Zombie: I got fired! Turns out they only need a COUPLE background zombies. They scanned us into their computers and they’re going to fill out the crowd scenes with AI now!
beat
K: Okay, now THERE is a real monster.
END OF SCENE
