Five Actors Walk into a Bar Flashcards
Intro: Yes, it’s a very strange experience living here. And not everyone can handle it. But we wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world. If you live here or are just visiting, welcome to OUR New York.
(Alicia Keys’ “Empire State of Mind” plays)
1: Why is this entire city obsessed with this song?
2: Because the entire city hates you.
(All laugh. Beat)
3: New York City is the greatest place on the planet. We’ve got everything here. You can do, or see, or eat anything you can think of. You wanna learn poledancing? You got it. You wanna see Starry Night in person? You got it. Statue of Liberty, Yankee Stadium, Shakespeare in Central Park. You wanna see an off-off-off-off-Broadway new musical in a renovated warehouse that’ll probably be at the Gershwin next year? You can go do that thing. And here I am at the same crappy bar, with the same crappy people, every Friday night of my life.
1: Glad you think SO HIGHLY of us, thanks!
3: You know what I mean.
1: …Yeah.
(beat)
4: Y’know, I’ve never been to the Museum of Sex.
3: Really?
5: Me neither. Wanted to go ever since I moved here, never got around to it.
3: How long have you been here, like five years?
5: Yep.
2: Is that Harrison Ford?
1: Does he even live here?
2: Everybody lives here.
3: We should go, it’s worth seeing. When I went they had a bouncy castle made of breasts. Dunno if it’s still there though, it was a rotating exhibit.
1: I’ve never been to Coney Island.
3: Oh we’re gonna fix that!
4: You gotta ride the Cyclone once in your life. It’s not fast, doesn’t go upside-down or anything, but it rattles like it’s gonna fly apart at any second. I have never felt closer to death. It was great.
5: It’s like a hundred years old, right?
4: Something like that.
5: I’m looking it up.
2: Seriously, I think that’s Harrison Ford!
1: You saw Dan Radcliffe at Trader Joe’s last week.
2: That guy looked exactly like him from the back!
(beat)
3: Oh my God I need to WORK.
(Everyone agrees)
4: I’ve been auditioning for ages, haven’t gotten a thing since that shitty student film.
2: At least you get auditions. I apply to every Backstage ad I see and I hear back maybe twice a month, if that.
1: I need new headshots.
5: I need a reel.
2: You just got new headshots.
1: I HATE my headshots.
4: Still, people do make it.
2: Rich people make it…
3: Screw that! Let’s do our own thing!
(Beat. All look at 3)
3: Thet say the best way to work is to make your own work, right? SO why not?
5: 1927.
3: What?
5: The Cyclone was built in 1927. So it’s almost a hundred years old.
3: Man, fuck the Cyclone, give me one good reason why we can’t?
4: I’m sorry, “fuck the Cyclone”?
3: Guys come on, I’m serious. Why can’t we make our own work?
2: The city is full of actors making their own work.
3: No, the city is full of actors SAYING they’re GONNA make their own work! How many people actually DO it? Let’s actually do it! Let’s do something! Let’s put on a show!
1: I mean, can we?
5: Why not?
4: Well what could we do?
1: Shakespeare?
2: Everyone does Shakespeare.
3: No, we need something more FUN.
1: We could do an improv show.
2: Everyone does an improv show.
1: Yeah… (beat) A sketch comedy show.
3: Like Key & Peele? Of Kids in the Hall?
4: Who the fuck are Kids in the Hall?
1: Not Kids in the Hall. Something realistic. Relatable. But funny.
5: Five out-of-work actors walk into a bar.
2: I think I’ve heard this one.
3: Something about our lives as New York actors. Trying to make it in the big city. People love that.
4: Who’s gonna watch a show about broke actors?
2: (beat) Other actors?
