Creature of the Night Flashcards by Karishma Ruhnke

Intro: blah blah blah, etc etc. It’s long
Woman: I had a really lovely time tonight.

Vampire: Me too.

How well did you know this?

Not at all

Perfectly

W: Thank you so much for taking me to that place, the HISTORY in there was amazing!

V: Well, it’s been there since the 1800s. I know the owner.

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W: Next time, you’ll have to introduce me.

V: Well, he died in 1902, so that might be difficult.

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W: Oh you KILL me!

V: Well, don’t say that too loudly or someone will stake me!

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W: Well, this is my apartment.

V: Oh, nice place!

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W: Yeah. I’m gonna go inside and go to sleep now, ok?

V: (disappointed) Oh. Yeah, ok. That’s fine. Thank you again for a lovely evening.

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WOMAN stares meaningfully at VAMPIRE, then goes inside and closes the door. VAMPIRE stands there for a moment looking dejected. He waits. Beat. Finally he gives up and starts to leave. Then WOMAN opens the door again.
W: You’re leaving?

V: Huh?

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W: Don’t you want to come up?

V: Well, yes, that would be nice.

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W: Glad to hear it.
Seductively, she closes the door again. VAMPIRE looks perplexed and a little frustrated, then after a long beat, turns to leave again. WOMAN opens the door again.
W: Why are you leaving?

V: You closed the door.

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W: Sorry?

V: I thought it was kind of rude to taunt me like that, actually.

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W: Sorry, what? What are you talking about?

V: I mean, you’re going to bed, right?

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W: Well…

V: Well, what?

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W: I dunno, I figured I would lie on my bed and like, pretend to be asleep, you float in the window, descend onto my sleeping form and…

V: (realizing, a little pissed) Ah.

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W: Sounds hot, right?
She turns her back to him and looks like she’s about to reenter her house, but stops in the doorway and arches her neck in a “please bite me” kind of way.

V: Uh… Sorry, but… you have to, like, explicitly invite me in?

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W: What?

V: I literally can’t come inside unless you invite me in.

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W: Isn’t you just knowing that I want you to good enough?

V: That’s not really how it works? We haven’t negotiated a scene, here, and like, even if we had, I kinda have to hear you explicitly say it?

W: But that defeats the point, doesn’t it?

V: Look, just invite me in and we’ll —

W: No, no, sorry that isn’t what I had in mind.

V: What?

W: You’re supposed to descend on me and bite me and ravish me and make me your eternal undead bride!

V: Whoa, okay, hold on, we JUST met!

W: So???

V: And, frankly, I don’t appreciate being fetishized.

W: Whoa, what?

V: You think just because I drink human blood that I feast on just ANYONE?

W: Well, yeah, don’t you?

V: Look, lady, do you know how many crazy exes running around New York for eternity I’d have if I did that?

W: I just thought —

V: Plus, it’s unsafe! I’d need you to get tested first.

W: Tested?

V: Before we mix literal blood? I don’t know if you have any diseases or something!

W: What, you think my blood is dirty? You think I'm some kind of blood skank?

V: Look, you're the one throwing yourself at me and asking for some, frankly, really unethical and unnegotiated consensual nonconsent scenework, here.

W: Whoa, hang on, I'm offering myself to you and you're turning me DOWN?

V: You seem nice, but if that's all you're after, I don't see this working out.

W: Well, what would you need first?

V: To be my undead bride? I dunno, take me out a few more times first. I like you so far, but we don't even know if we're compatible or anything.

W: I've been texting you for weeks trying to get you to! You take days to even reply!

V: Sorry, I'm 400 years old, technology is new and weird and time has no real meaning for me anymore, cut me some slack.

W: Why did you only want to meet me this late at night anyway? My friends already think this is weird.

V: If I go out in the daytime, I will literally burst into flames. How is that my fault? See that, that's ableist!

W: Wow, okay, nevermind!

V: I actually liked you! Stake me in the heart instead next time, breaking it like this sucks way more! *They turn away from each other. VAMPIRE sighs then turns back.* V: Look, sorry. I can't expect you to know how all this works. It's a lot to take in. Dating as a vampire is actually really challenging. But if you can be patient with me, and work with me, maybe we can see where this goes and we'll see. Okay?

W: Okay. Sorry I fetishized you.

V: It's fine. I'm honestly used to it. Have a good night, okay? *VAMPIRE starts to exit*

W: Wait. *VAMPIRE stops, turns.* W: If i set a couple boundaries, you want to come inside for some filthy raw unprotected sex instead?

V: You don't have any crucifixes inside, do you?

W: No.

V: Oh, then absolutely.

W: No staying the night and don't shower here.

V: I literally have to sleep in a box along with some dirt from my ancestral homeland and can't cross running water anyway, so that's fine.

W: Cool.

V: I still need enthusiastic consent or I can't come inside.

W: Please come inside... and then come inside.

V: Nice! The safe word is "garlic!" END OF SCENE