Creature of the Night Flashcards
Intro: blah blah blah, etc etc. It’s long
Woman: I had a really lovely time tonight.
Vampire: Me too.
W: Thank you so much for taking me to that place, the HISTORY in there was amazing!
V: Well, it’s been there since the 1800s. I know the owner.
W: Next time, you’ll have to introduce me.
V: Well, he died in 1902, so that might be difficult.
W: Oh you KILL me!
V: Well, don’t say that too loudly or someone will stake me!
W: Well, this is my apartment.
V: Oh, nice place!
W: Yeah. I’m gonna go inside and go to sleep now, ok?
V: (disappointed) Oh. Yeah, ok. That’s fine. Thank you again for a lovely evening.
WOMAN stares meaningfully at VAMPIRE, then goes inside and closes the door. VAMPIRE stands there for a moment looking dejected. He waits. Beat. Finally he gives up and starts to leave. Then WOMAN opens the door again.
W: You’re leaving?
V: Huh?
W: Don’t you want to come up?
V: Well, yes, that would be nice.
W: Glad to hear it.
Seductively, she closes the door again. VAMPIRE looks perplexed and a little frustrated, then after a long beat, turns to leave again. WOMAN opens the door again.
W: Why are you leaving?
V: You closed the door.
W: Sorry?
V: I thought it was kind of rude to taunt me like that, actually.
W: Sorry, what? What are you talking about?
V: I mean, you’re going to bed, right?
W: Well…
V: Well, what?
W: I dunno, I figured I would lie on my bed and like, pretend to be asleep, you float in the window, descend onto my sleeping form and…
V: (realizing, a little pissed) Ah.
W: Sounds hot, right?
She turns her back to him and looks like she’s about to reenter her house, but stops in the doorway and arches her neck in a “please bite me” kind of way.
V: Uh… Sorry, but… you have to, like, explicitly invite me in?
W: What?
V: I literally can’t come inside unless you invite me in.
W: Isn’t you just knowing that I want you to good enough?
V: That’s not really how it works? We haven’t negotiated a scene, here, and like, even if we had, I kinda have to hear you explicitly say it?
W: But that defeats the point, doesn’t it?
V: Look, just invite me in and we’ll —
W: No, no, sorry that isn’t what I had in mind.
V: What?
W: You’re supposed to descend on me and bite me and ravish me and make me your eternal undead bride!
V: Whoa, okay, hold on, we JUST met!
W: So???
V: And, frankly, I don’t appreciate being fetishized.
W: Whoa, what?
V: You think just because I drink human blood that I feast on just ANYONE?
W: Well, yeah, don’t you?
V: Look, lady, do you know how many crazy exes running around New York for eternity I’d have if I did that?
W: I just thought —
V: Plus, it’s unsafe! I’d need you to get tested first.
W: Tested?
V: Before we mix literal blood? I don’t know if you have any diseases or something!
W: What, you think my blood is dirty? You think I’m some kind of blood skank?
V: Look, you’re the one throwing yourself at me and asking for some, frankly, really unethical and unnegotiated consensual nonconsent scenework, here.
W: Whoa, hang on, I’m offering myself to you and you’re turning me DOWN?
V: You seem nice, but if that’s all you’re after, I don’t see this working out.
W: Well, what would you need first?
V: To be my undead bride? I dunno, take me out a few more times first. I like you so far, but we don’t even know if we’re compatible or anything.
W: I’ve been texting you for weeks trying to get you to! You take days to even reply!
V: Sorry, I’m 400 years old, technology is new and weird and time has no real meaning for me anymore, cut me some slack.
W: Why did you only want to meet me this late at night anyway? My friends already think this is weird.
V: If I go out in the daytime, I will literally burst into flames. How is that my fault? See that, that’s ableist!
W: Wow, okay, nevermind!
V: I actually liked you! Stake me in the heart instead next time, breaking it like this sucks way more!
They turn away from each other. VAMPIRE sighs then turns back.
V: Look, sorry. I can’t expect you to know how all this works. It’s a lot to take in. Dating as a vampire is actually really challenging. But if you can be patient with me, and work with me, maybe we can see where this goes and we’ll see. Okay?
W: Okay. Sorry I fetishized you.
V: It’s fine. I’m honestly used to it. Have a good night, okay?
VAMPIRE starts to exit
W: Wait.
VAMPIRE stops, turns.
W: If i set a couple boundaries, you want to come inside for some filthy raw unprotected sex instead?
V: You don’t have any crucifixes inside, do you?
W: No.
V: Oh, then absolutely.
W: No staying the night and don’t shower here.
V: I literally have to sleep in a box along with some dirt from my ancestral homeland and can’t cross running water anyway, so that’s fine.
W: Cool.
V: I still need enthusiastic consent or I can’t come inside.
W: Please come inside… and then come inside.
V: Nice! The safe word is “garlic!”
END OF SCENE
