Elixirs for Sale Flashcards
Intro: blah blah blah, etc etc
1: Are you sure we got off at the right stop?
2: Yeah, there’s so much trash here, and it smells like pee.
1: New York City is literally urine.
3: I’m pretty sure this is the stop. My cousin said to get off on West 4th Street, walk down McDougal Street, and there should be a guy in the alley.
2: The cousin that still sells DVDs?
3: Excuse me, sir. Is this the place for transformation elixirs?
EM: Yeah, whatchu need? $10 a piece. I got elixirs from up north, and different parts a Honolulu. Brown elixirs, blue elixirs, Brazilian butt lift elixirs. Those are high demand. You wanna larger caboose?? I can give it to you half off plus $10, or two for the price of two. Your choice.
3: Um… do you have any New Yorker elixirs?
2: (excitedly) The ones that transform you into a New Yorker in an instant?
Elixir Man: Ten dollars, ten dollars! Elixirs! Elixirs! Ten dollars!
All: I think that’s the guy.
1: Dude, relax
EM: Yeah, I got those, ten dollars a piece. I got Hipster from Harlem, I got Wall Street big shot, I got grumpy old lady who has lived on 3rd Ave all her life, just her and her cats. I also got the organics. The born and breds, from each bourough. You tell me what you need, $10 a piece. No problem.
3: Okay, we’ll take three… Let’s do one born and bred Brooklyn, one born and bred Bronx, and one Manhattan please, Upper East Side if you have it.
EM: Aight, $65
3: But you said —
EM; $65!
3: Okay!
EM: Congratulations, you’re a soon to be New Yorker, enjoy ya life.
1: (reading) Ingredients: a quarter of a bacon egg and cheese on a roll, three Newport shorts, one whole pigeon, four ounces of pizza crust, one rat’s foot, and a weed nugget. Honestly it all sounds pretty organic. I Googled the ingredients, we should be good, but I think —
2: What are we waiting for?! Let’s chug!
* Two drinks the elixirs and transforms*
2: (Southern accent) Howdy y’all! (Visibly surprised, clasps hands over mouth) What in the hell?! My, my, there’s something up with that there elixir! I say, I do reckon, I do. The authorities! Someone get me the authorities!
3: You drank it too fast. Look “do not chug” you see? I’ll drink it slowly, watch me.
* Three drinks the elixir and transforms*
3: (British accent) Good morrow, my fine fellow! (surprised) What is this witchcraft?! This is absurd! My words! I will not stand for this! You there! Elixir Man! Return to us, return to us at once.
2: Well, what in tarnation do we do now?
3: Oh, I haven’t the slightest idea ol’ chap. It appears we have been terribly misled.
1: (reads instructions) Warning, do not chug, do not sip. Figure it out…
One drinks and transforms
1: (New Yorker accent) Yo!!! Dead ass? Dead ass! Yo, I think it worked. I feel like a whole New Yorker. Yo, fuck Times Square!
Passerby enters, bumps into One, walks off
1: Hey! I’m walking here! (to self) Yeah. I’m walking here. (back to group) I gotta call my ma, this is nuts! (on phone) Aye ma! I’m comin’ home, gonna hop on the C, order me a bacon egg and cheese, will ya? (hangs up) This feels nice. This feels good.
2: I don’t mean to go begging ya pardon, but, uh, how long do you reckon this here is fixin’ to last?
3: Yes, I do say, we seem to be in some sort of pickle, don’t we? We haven’t been turned into New Yorkers at all. Oh dear, surely we’ve taken the wrong elixir. What an utterly awful ordeal!
Two and Three start complaining
1: Guys, guys, relax. Look, the bottle says the effects last about two weeks.
3: Two weeks?! Heavens.
2: (starts pacing) I can’t. I can’t. What am I gonna tell my paw? What am I gonna tell my maw?! I’ll have to go into hiding. A wretch! A wretch! Oh, Amazing Grace, come down and save —
Passerby: Excuse me, I think I may be lost. Do you know how to get to the A train from here?
2: Why, yes, uh, I do. Whatcha gonna do is, head down this here west block and make a right at that there corner. Follow the signs and you’ll be riding on out in no time!
1: That was some real New Yorker shit right there. You gave a tourist directions in the middle of a mental break down. I’m thoroughly impressed. From where I’m standing, you’re the true New Yorker. We just rode the subway, dodged the subway rats in the process and pee, purchased what was most likely drugs from a strange guy in an alley, AND gave directions! How New York is that?
2: Hey, that’s right!
3: Perhaps we didn’t need the elixirs at all. Perhaps this was all… rather unnecessary. I gather we are the real New Yorkers! After all, New York City consists of people from various backgrounds who look and sound distinct all in one place, trying their best to succeed.
Two and Three exit
1: Yeah, I agree, ol’ chap! We are New York, therefore we are New Yorkers! Also, Halloween is next week, we’ve already gotten a head start on our costumes!
END OF SCENE
