Strengthening Relationships (U4) Flashcards
Relationship assumptions
- Successful relationships are basic to successful living
- Keeping relationships healthy deserves a high priority
- Your marriage or significant other is your most important relationship
- You can learn to understand how to make you relationship work
Types of relationships?
- Family
- Occasional (clerks, waiters…)
- Casual (some people at work, classmates..)
- Friendships (people you seek, company you enjoy)
- Romantic (passionate, emotional, usually reciprocated)
What are traits of a close relationship?
- Relatively long lasting
- Frequent interaction
- Mutual activities
- Impact of interactions is strong
Three styles of marriage?
Validating, volatile, avoidant
Validating marriage traits?
- Listens and undestand the other’s POV
- Values the other while disagreeing (problem solving discussions, and compromises)
- Value ‘we-ness’ of relationship
- Risk: marriage can feel like a passionless arrangement
Volatile marriage traits?
- Fight/make up on grand scale
- Highly engaged with each other
- Sees selves as equal parties
- Easily express feelings, opinions and toughts
- Risk: Slide into too much fighting
Avoidant marriage traits?
- Conflict minimizes
- Agree to disagree
- Low level of companionship
- High degree of autonomy
- Risk: Encountering a problem too big to avoid
What is emotional ecology?
Need to have a balance between positives and negatives in a marriage
- Healthy marriages adapt for balance
- Unhealthy doesn’t (Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse)
What are the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse
Marriage warning signs
- Criticism
- Contempt
- Defensiveness
- Stonewalling
Criticism? (Four Horsemen)
- Attack someone’s personality instead of behaviour
- Accusing and blaming (you statements)
- Different from complaining (I statements)
- Present in all relationships, but more so when a relationship is unhealthy
Contempt? (Four Horsemen)
- Criticism with intention (deeper, personal attack)
- Insults and name calling
- Hostile humour/mockery
- Negative body language
- Result: decay of admiration/positive feelings
Defensiveness? (Four Horsemen)
- Result from criticism/contempt
- Denying responsibility
- Cross complaining
- Repeating self
- Excuse
- Turning complaints back on them
- Whining
- Result: Obstruct communication (conflict escalates)
Stonewalling? (Four Horsemen)
- Communication shutdown
- Conveys disapproval, disgust, smugness
- Found in men more than women
What is the cycle of negativity in terms of the Four Horsemen?
Hard to tame, a spiral/escalation if it continues unchecked
- Problems can be too much/overwhelming
- Can lead to partners distancing themselves to cope
Strategies for improvement?
- Calm down (come from a place of love instead of anger/frustration)
- Speak non-defensively (avoid blaming)
- Validating partner (let partner know you value them and their opinions
- Overlearning (try again, learn from mistakes)
