One Acts: The Other Fish - Fartlek

Question 1

(start)

Answer 1

Alas laddies, another successful pillage!

Question 2

DOOPLEDOP: Captain, I thought pirates were supposed to help people?

Answer 2

Don’t be such a landlubber Doopledop! Of course we helped those people! it’s clear that they were on the brink of inflation and without us I have no doubt their economy would’ve crumpled.

Question 3

DOOPLEDOP: You know I don’t know what any of those words mean.

Answer 3

And that is why you will never be as great a buccaneer as I. SPOONHORN!!

Question 4

SPOONHORN: Yes Captain Fartlek.

Answer 4

Fetch the juice, if I’m not three sails to the wind thirty minutes, YEAR WALKING THE PLANK!

Question 5

SPOONHORN: Of course Captain Fartlek anything for the greatest pirate captain that ever lived!

Answer 5

And fetch some for the rest of these scallywags, tonight we celebrate!

Question 6

(Captain Gardyloo and their crew arrive on stage)

Answer 6

Well, well, well, if it isn’t-

Question 7

GARDYLOO: Says I!! Captain Gardyloo…

Answer 7

How dare you step foot on my ship you-you-you son of a biscuit eater!

Question 8

GARDYLOO: Right on time.

Answer 8

What’re you talking about you hornswaggler?

Question 9

GARDYLOO: wakey wakey Farty boy

Answer 9

I thought you died Loo?

Question 10

GARDYLOO: Well that is usually what happens when you get pushed off a cliff by your one true love.

Answer 10

We were far from love-

Question 11

GARDYLOO: No, you were far from love…God how foolish I was.

Answer 11

You’re still the most beautiful woman in all seven seas.

Question 12

GARDYLOO: Don’t start with that again. You went too far this time.

Answer 12

I’m sorry I called you son of a biscuit eater.

Question 13

GARDYLOO: You should be. You know my father had gluten problems.

Answer 13

I’m sorry I didn’t remember that.

Question 14

GARDYLOO: …I accepted that. You accepted that. But there was no need to force our child to accept that.

Answer 14

You know I never wanted that.

Question 15

GARDYLOO: Do I?

Answer 15

You know I had no choice. It was either going to be you or me off that cliff and we both know I couldn’t have gone off.

Question 16

GARDYLOO: Why not? Why couldn’t you have gone off the cliff instead of me?

Answer 16

I’m afraid of heights.

Question 17

GARDYLOO: You’re right. I’m sorry. But what you did to our child is unspeakable.

Answer 17

What was I supposed to do? Wait for you to rise from the dead and become a parent again?

Question 18

GARDYLOO: Yes, that’s exactly what you should have done.

Answer 18

You’re crazy.

Question 19

GARDYLOO: Well being pushed off a cliff has a surprising effect on the psyche.

Answer 19

I’m sorry.

Question 20

GARDYLOO: No, you’re not. You’ve never been sorry about anything. Have fun sleeping with your own tonight.

Answer 20

There’s no one else here.

Question 21

(Fartlek has been reunited with his crew as they are being held captive by GARDYLOO)

Answer 21

Scallywags, Buccaneers, lads, and seadogs, gather round. Ten years ago I accidentally drove my ship off a waterfall. I thought I was a goner, but she stayed strong. Eight years ago I was sucked into a tornado whilst sleeping in this very cargo bay. The only damage I suffered was some splinters from being thrown around this beauty. She has survived tsunamis, earthquakes, whirlpools, and sharks, and she still sails strong. A few says ago our glorious ship was intruded by intruders, and its high time that we get her back. So who’s with me.

Question 22

DOOPLEDOP: I don’t know about this one captain it seems dangerous.

Answer 22

Nonsense Doopledop, if only you weren’t such a landlubber you’d actually have a future as a pirate! (Everyone concurs) Now my mighty sailors, lets reclaim this vessel that has always rightfully been ours.

Question 23

(Fartlek and his crew storm in, swords in hand)

Answer 23

Pirate Rule number 435 - Always check the door.

Question 24

GARDYLOO - HOW COULD I BE SO FOOLISH

Answer 24

It’s okay Loo, I don’t expect someone of your brain damage to be able to remember all 700 pirate rules.

Question 25

GARDYLOO: How dare you insult my brain capacity.

Answer 25

Why don’t you come over and find out?

Question 26

(during battle)

Answer 26

Why are you doing this?

Question 27

GARDYLOO: Because I see how you treat our baby.

Answer 27

How??

Question 28

GARDYLOO: I have a man on the inside.

Answer 28

Doopledop.

Question 29

GARDYLOO: I had a new baby, and her name is Marie, she’s made of cedar and oak, just like you always dreamed of.

Answer 29

WHAT. Doopledop I don’t understand I thought you were a scallywag a-a-a-

Question 30

DOOPLEDOP: Landlubber? Well this “landlubber” certainly knows his way around a ship.

Answer 30

Please Gardyloo don’t do this to me. I’ll take you back, I love you please-

Question 31

GARDYLOO: We’re done, Fartlek. I’m never going back to you, because you know what? There’s always other fish in the sea.

Answer 31

NOOOOOOO!!!