One Acts: The Other Fish - Fartlek Flashcards
(start)
Alas laddies, another successful pillage!
DOOPLEDOP: Captain, I thought pirates were supposed to help people?
Don’t be such a landlubber Doopledop! Of course we helped those people! it’s clear that they were on the brink of inflation and without us I have no doubt their economy would’ve crumpled.
DOOPLEDOP: You know I don’t know what any of those words mean.
And that is why you will never be as great a buccaneer as I. SPOONHORN!!
SPOONHORN: Yes Captain Fartlek.
Fetch the juice, if I’m not three sails to the wind thirty minutes, YEAR WALKING THE PLANK!
SPOONHORN: Of course Captain Fartlek anything for the greatest pirate captain that ever lived!
And fetch some for the rest of these scallywags, tonight we celebrate!
(Captain Gardyloo and their crew arrive on stage)
Well, well, well, if it isn’t-
GARDYLOO: Says I!! Captain Gardyloo…
How dare you step foot on my ship you-you-you son of a biscuit eater!
GARDYLOO: Right on time.
What’re you talking about you hornswaggler?
GARDYLOO: wakey wakey Farty boy
I thought you died Loo?
GARDYLOO: Well that is usually what happens when you get pushed off a cliff by your one true love.
We were far from love-
GARDYLOO: No, you were far from love…God how foolish I was.
You’re still the most beautiful woman in all seven seas.
GARDYLOO: Don’t start with that again. You went too far this time.
I’m sorry I called you son of a biscuit eater.
GARDYLOO: You should be. You know my father had gluten problems.
I’m sorry I didn’t remember that.
GARDYLOO: …I accepted that. You accepted that. But there was no need to force our child to accept that.
You know I never wanted that.
GARDYLOO: Do I?
You know I had no choice. It was either going to be you or me off that cliff and we both know I couldn’t have gone off.
GARDYLOO: Why not? Why couldn’t you have gone off the cliff instead of me?
I’m afraid of heights.
GARDYLOO: You’re right. I’m sorry. But what you did to our child is unspeakable.
What was I supposed to do? Wait for you to rise from the dead and become a parent again?
GARDYLOO: Yes, that’s exactly what you should have done.
You’re crazy.
GARDYLOO: Well being pushed off a cliff has a surprising effect on the psyche.
I’m sorry.
GARDYLOO: No, you’re not. You’ve never been sorry about anything. Have fun sleeping with your own tonight.
There’s no one else here.
(Fartlek has been reunited with his crew as they are being held captive by GARDYLOO)
Scallywags, Buccaneers, lads, and seadogs, gather round. Ten years ago I accidentally drove my ship off a waterfall. I thought I was a goner, but she stayed strong. Eight years ago I was sucked into a tornado whilst sleeping in this very cargo bay. The only damage I suffered was some splinters from being thrown around this beauty. She has survived tsunamis, earthquakes, whirlpools, and sharks, and she still sails strong. A few says ago our glorious ship was intruded by intruders, and its high time that we get her back. So who’s with me.
DOOPLEDOP: I don’t know about this one captain it seems dangerous.
Nonsense Doopledop, if only you weren’t such a landlubber you’d actually have a future as a pirate! (Everyone concurs) Now my mighty sailors, lets reclaim this vessel that has always rightfully been ours.
(Fartlek and his crew storm in, swords in hand)
Pirate Rule number 435 - Always check the door.
GARDYLOO - HOW COULD I BE SO FOOLISH
It’s okay Loo, I don’t expect someone of your brain damage to be able to remember all 700 pirate rules.
