Robin Hood - Princess Joanne

Question 1

SHERIFF: All rise for Her Majesty Princess Joanne: Duchess of Normandy, Count of Anjou and High Lady of Ireland. All rise. All rise!

Answer 1

Thank you, thank you for coming. Geoffry A Bland, how are you? You were looking so well the last time we met. Ha! And Sir Denis of Galway. How’s that wife of yours? We used to call her the Hound of- Hello! Is that Cornwall? Greetings! It’s been ages! Still managing on one leg. I see. No growth in the other one yet? Ha! Thank you, thank you. You may sit down. All the world’s a stage, and all you men and women are full of layers. My God, that was almost perfect. I should be a poet. Eh? Ha! I hereby welcome you to our meeting of the Barons of the Northern Shire here at Nottingham Castle, which is owned by our host, the charming and sometimes reliable Sir guy of Gisbourne. Now I realize we have a good deal to discuss today, but I trust that you will adopt the new French custom and put your weapons under your chairs, enjoy a peaceful supper and dismember each other after the pudding. Ha! You may now be eating.

Question 2

SIR GUY: And how was London, Madam?`

Answer 2

Politics, politics. We let my mother out of prison for Christmas. Ha! and how are you two love-birds doing? Have we set a date yet?

Question 3

MARIAN: You do me an injustice. I keep an open mind and listen to people. They have a great deal to say.

Answer 3

You have gained opinions on your travels, Marian. You have been taught to think.

Question 4

MARIAN: Feminine?! The Princesses mother is Eleanor of Aquitaine, who has ruled two continents and done battle with the Pope! Do you think she’s been asked if she’s feminine?

Answer 4

Oh, touche, Marian. Touche, all day. And if you’re getting cold feet about Gisbourne over here, you just have to say so. I’d never force you, you know. This is above all: to thine own self be true. Ooo, that’s perfect. Write that one down.

Question 5

SIR GUY: One disagreement, you mean. About Robin of Locksley.

Answer 5

Oh yes. I’ve been hearing a great deal about the fellow. Is he really the scoundrel everyone says he is?

Question 6

ROBIN: Sheriff, please. As you can see I’m unarmed.

Answer 6

He’s right, he’s right, put up your swords. Put them up, put them up! Well, well, well. How do you do? I’m Princess Joanne and you may kiss my ring if you like.

Question 7

SIR GUY: Madam!

Answer 7

I believe it’s called rustic humor, Sir Guy. And Robin, I like your style, though it’s a bit antediluvian.

Question 8

ROBIN: Well I don’t like yours, you Grace. Not if it means killing innocent people.

Answer 8

Name one.

Question 9

ROBIN: Much the Miller belt to death that night from the wounds inflicted by your soldiers, on your orders, and his daughter’s heart is broken in two, and I tell you THAT HAS TO STOP!

Answer 9

Temper, temper. We’re fighting a war, you know, in the Holy Land, and ever since my poor sister was imprisoned by the King of Austria we’ve had to crack down a bit in order to pay the ransom.

Question 10

SIR GUY: That’s reason, Sire. He call into question the motives of the Queen’s regent, Longchamp.

Answer 10

William de Longchamp. Yes indeed. But I’m afraid I have some rather sad news. Longchamp is dead.

Question 11

MARIAN: What?

Answer 11

Accident in London. Shame. Died insantly.

Question 12

MARIAN: But that means that you’re -

Answer 12

That’s right, my dear, I am now Regent of England, your ruler until we get dear Matilda back.

Question 13

ROBIN: I am, and all the Saxons that you have starved and beaten so you can make yourselves rich. But I’m warning you, for every Saxons you murder, a Norman will die. For every child who suffers, there will be revenge. Our people deserve to live without fear in a society that protects them!

Answer 13

Brave words, my boy. But will you excuse me, just for a moment, Robin, while we confer? Perhaps we can come up with a compromise for you.

Question 14

SHERIFF: Hey!

Answer 14

Ah!

Question 15

SIR GUYS: He’s mine!

Answer 15

Stop him!

Question 16

SHERIFF: Let me help you up-

Answer 16

Get off me, you fool!

Question 17

FRIAR TUCK: And so Princess Joanna awoke one morning and found that he had a new problem on her hands. She addressed it of course with her usual equanimity and savior faire.

Answer 17

ESCAPED?! MY REVOLTING BROTHER ESCAPED?!

Question 18

SIR GUY: Sire, that doesn’t mean he’s in England yet. We’ll put mean at all the ports to stop him. And remember, he won’t have an army with him, they’re still in Jerusalem.

Answer 18

Well thank God for that! Of course, the solution is to kill him before he acquires an army.

Question 19

SHERIFF: Murder the Queen?

Answer 19

Oh don’t say “murder.” It’s such an ugly word. Say “fortuitous accident.” Like Longchamp had, the innocent devil. He simply tripped in the street one day in London.

Question 20

SIR GUY: With an arrow in his back.

Answer 20

By sheer coincidence.

Question 21

SHERIFF: But your Grace!

Answer 21

Everyone dies, Sheriff. Birth, maturity, and then you’re eaten. It’s called the circle of life, like lions in Africa.

Question 22

SIR GUY: What worries me is if Locksley gets to the King before we do.

Answer 22

And what I’d like to know why Robin Hood is still large. Why haven’t you caught him yet?!

Question 23

SHERIFF: We’ve tried, your Grace, but he hides in the woods!

Answer 23

Then lure him out and shoot him with one of his own arrows or something.

Question 24

SIR GUY: “Arrows.” “Arrows.”

Answer 24

That’s right, Gisbourne. He shoots very sharp arrows and kills my guards.

Question 25

SIR GUY: Exactly. So let’s put on a tournament so he can prove it.

Answer 25

A tournament?

Question 26

SHERIFF: But wait. He’ll be in disguise. He wears disguises whenever he leaves the forest.

Answer 26

You numbskull, it won’t matter because whoever wins the prize will be Robin Hood.

Question 27

SIR GUY: Exactly.

Answer 27

Haha! This is rich. I like it. We play on his vanity, lure him out, capture him, hang him - it’s the best idea I’ve had in years!

Question 28

SHERIFF: Cornwall, please. Ready, shoot!

Answer 28

Oh look at this. The food is marvelous today. Is that swan? I adore swan. Gisbourne, you’ve outdone yourself.

Question 29

SIR GUY: Thank you, Madam.

Answer 29

Have you ever had swan, my dear?

Question 30

SHERIFF: A bit like chicken, but more gamey. Not my taste at all.

Answer 30

Then you’re an idiot. There is nothing like a joint of swan washed down with a good claret. Barbarian. He could be from Spain. Will you try some, my dear?

Question 31

DEORWYN: What is it?

Answer 31

It’s called a fork. It’s the newest thing. Comes from Italy. Leave it to I-ties. They use it for noodles, apparently. They twirl it around and gabble in Italian. But it’s also good for stabbing things. Watch.

Question 32

SHERIFF: Well done, your Grace!

Answer 32

But you’ve got to be careful. These ends are quite sharp.

Question 33

SHERIFF: Archers now from towns of Nottingham, Leicester, Coventry, and Warwik.

Answer 33

Oh look, it’s some of your local lads. Gisbourne, do you recognize any of them?

Question 34

SHERIFF: Ready, shoot!

Answer 34

Are the grounds well-guarded?

Question 35

SIR GUY: Madam!

Answer 35

Oh stop it, she’s a Norman for the sake of heaven. Have you heard of him before, my dear? This “Robin Hood”

Question 36

DEORWYN: No, what is he?

Answer 36

He’s an outlaw.

Question 37

DEORWYN: Of course I did. Our castle is on the border of the two shires. In fact my bedroom is in Yorkshire and my sister’s is in Lancashire and we like to joke that we’re both well-traveled

Answer 37

Oh. Ha ha! You see? That’s delightful! “Oh we few. We happy few. We band Normans.” Ho, ho, that’s my best one yet.

Question 38

SHERIFF: Final fights will begin, please take your places.

Answer 38

Oh, goody! You’ll enjoy this, my dear.

Question 39

SHERIFF: And the winner is Ned of Bradford!

Answer 39

To the winner, the runner up: Congratulations. Please come forth to receive your prizes.

Question 40

SHERIFF: Madam, the winner looks too small to be Robin.

Answer 40

What about the other one?

Question 41

SHERIFF: I don’t know. He certainly doesn’t look like Robin

Answer 41

Well, well, well. You two must be proud of yourselves.

Question 42

MARIAN: Your Grace.

Answer 42

We have a prize for each of you. For the first- place winner, a golden arrow.

Question 43

MARIAN: Your Grace is generous.

Answer 43

Would you care to do the honor, my dear?

Question 44

DEORWYN: This is for my father!

Answer 44

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!