New Flashcards
What feelings tell us we are not connected to our needs?
Anger, depression, guilt, and shame
Anger, we are making moralistic judgements about ___________ ___________
Somebody else
Depression, guilt, and shame, we are making moralistic judgements on __________
Ourself
Being passionately alive means being connected to what?
Our needs
Understanding someone’s needs give us the most power with people. Why?
Because by us learning to understand and satisfy their needs, they increase their willing giving to us
Punishment and reward are a power over model rather than a power with model. Why?
You’re assuming you know what is the best behaviour for the person and are manipulating someone’s behaviour with pleasure and pain. You’re playing god to know what is best for them.
When people hear our needs (rather than blame, judgement, or criticism), it is natural for people to what?
Enjoy giving and helping you meet your needs
If people hear what, they lose their natural desire to give.
Criticism, judgement, blame, or demands
We all have the same needs. What differs among people are the what?
Strategies we use to meet them
What’s the difference between needing someone to love you and needing love?
A specific someone is a strategy to fulfill the general need of love. Which you can fulfill with many different strategies
Saying what we don’t want isn’t helpful because it doesn’t what?
Make it clear what we do want
Please fulfill my request if it gives you joy. Please do not fulfill if my request if there is what? (3 things)
- There is fear of punishment (anger, guilt, passive aggressiveness, etc)
- Thought of reward motivating you (You’re doing it so I will like you more)
- There is guilt, fear, or shame motivating you.
What is the only way to tell the difference between a request and a demand?
How the person treats you afterward. If you don’t comply, and they get angry, shame you, guilt you, or behave negative toward you (punish you), then it was a demand.
If people can remember past instances of blame or judgement as a result of them not fulfilling your demand, it will be hard for them to __________ that your new request is actually a request.
Trust
What are the only two responses for complying with a demand?
Submission or rebellion
Never hear what a jackal speaking person thinks. Especially about you. Instead try to…
Try to see the underlying feeling and need.
Why can we be free of taking people’s attacks, criticism, and judgements personally?
Because we know the person uttering them has been indoctrinated in a really bad way of trying to get their needs met.
Rather than feel offended when someone says “you’re so selfish” we can respond with compassion because we know what?
That it’s really sad that it’s the only way they know how to ask for what they’re seeking—a way that is so unlikely they will get what they want.
With giraffe ears, you can’t hear criticisms. You can only hear what?
Feelings and needs.
Don’t hear thoughts. Use thoughts as a ___________ to see the ___________ that are behind them.
Window; needs
When you try to guess someone’s feelings and needs, what are you demonstrating to that person?
That you value what is alive in them. That they are worthy of being validated and having their needs met.
Empathy of another’s feelings and needs can be communicated without words if our attention is focused on their what?
Heart/life energy/humanity
If your loved one’s need goes consistently unmet, and you decide to start meeting it, but it doesn’t satisfy them, what might be the reason?
Because their needs have gone consistently unmet, they might feel like their needs don’t matter to you, so they might have an unmet need of mattering. Worthiness.
Someone tells you their need and you don’t know how to respond. What can you do?
Give empathy. Connect to their feelings and needs. Show them you’re there with them.
