9 - Connecting compassionately with ourselves Flashcards
NVC’s most important use might be in developing what?
Self-compassion
Rosenburg: “I am gravely concerned that many of us have lost awareness of “the ________ _________” we are
Special thing
If we change our behaviour out of shame, we are allowing our growing and learning to be guided by _____________.
Self-hatred
Shame is a form of self-hatred, and actions taken in reaction to shame are not ___________ and ____________ acts.
Free and joyful
Even if our intention is to behave with more kindness and sensitivity, if people sense _____________ or _______________ behind our actions, they are less likely to appreciate what we do than if we are motivated purely by the human desire to contribute to life.
Shame; guilt
What’s wrong with using the word should when relating to our past experience? “I should have known better.” “I shouldn’t have done that.”
It provokes shame of being bad. Promotes self-hatred. It’s a moralistic judgment.
“I really have to do something about exercising more.” What’s wrong with this statement?
It implies a should, a demand. It takes away from out autonomy and we will naturally resist it.
“Should” statements lead to what emotion?
Shame. Because it implies we are not living “correctly.” Something about us is inadequate or wrong.
Why are should statements less likely to motive change?
Because they provoke shame, guilt, and pity–emotions that don’t energize us to move forward.
When we are engaging in negative behaviours (eating junk food, not sleeping, drinking too much, not exercising) we should evaluate ourselves in terms of 3 things…
- What needs are we trying to meet? (Addiction is a bad strategy to fulfill an unmet need).
- Is this behaviour serving life?
- Are we being compassionate to ourselves about this behaviour? (Or are we shaming and judging ourselves to try and change it)
When we judge ourselves for being fat, what can we do to take a healthier approach?
Look at the unmet need behind our statement. If we’re judging ourselves for being fat, it might be because we want to exercise more.
Should statements transformed into unmet needs allow us to transform negative emotions like shame, guilt, and depression into more useful emotions like sadness, frustration, disappointment, fear, grief, or some other feeling. Why is the second list more useful than the first?
The second list of emotions mobilize us to pursue and fulfill what we need or value. There is more opportunity for healing, processing, and empathy in the second list.
When looking back regretfully at past events where we didn’t behave as we wanted, what is a healthy approach to look at it?
By looking at how we were trying to fulfill unmet needs in less than ideal ways.
What is NVC mourning?
Connecting with the feelings and unmet needs stimulated by past actions we now regret.
Judging ourselves negatively causes shame. What are the ways shame inhibits our ability to meet our needs?
Because we’re using shame to motivate ourselves.
Shame can leads to lower self-esteem and poor self-worth.
These states make us more likely to isolate socially and inhibit our ability to meet so many needs.
If people feel unworthy, they are less confident to ask for what they need.
They might wear a mask socially, preventing them from meeting needs of authentic connection.
Shame creates stress and stress leads to chronic physical conditions
Shame makes us scared to communicate our needs and desires out of fear of being judged
Shame can trigger defense mechanisms like denial, projection, and aggression, making relationships more strained
Shame can cause us to feel unworthy of self-care, including fitness, health, and therapeutic activities
