5 - Taking responsibility for our feelings Flashcards
What others do and say are the ___________ but not the __________ of our feelings.
Stimulus, cause
Our feelings are a result of two things…
How we choose to receive what others say and do – and our particular needs and expectations in that moment
What are the four ways we can receive negative messages?
Blame ourselves, blame others, sense our own feelings and needs, sense others’ feelings and needs
When receiving a negative message and we choose to blame ourselves, it comes at great cost to our __________ and causes us to feel ________, __________, and ____________.
Self esteem; guilt, shame, depression
When we choose to receive a negative emotion by blaming others, we are likely to feel and communicate ___________. Then our counterpart is likely to respond with ____________ and _____________.
Anger; defensiveness, shut down
When someone says “You’re the most self-centered person I’ve ever met,” what is a way to take accountability for and communicate our feelings and needs?
“When I hear you say that I am the most self-centred person you’ve ever met, I feel hurt, because I need some recognition of my efforts to be considerate of your preferences.”
When someone says “You’re the most self-centered person I’ve ever met,” what is a way sense and address the other person’s feelings and needs?
Are you feeling hurt because you need more consideration for your preferences?
How can we take responsibility for our feelings, rather than blame other people?
By acknowledging our own needs, desires, expectations, values, or thoughts.
What is the difference between these two statements? “You disappointed me by not coming over last evening.” vs “I was disappointed when you didn’t come over, because I wanted to talk over some things that were bothering me.”
One is not taking responsibility and blaming others. The other is. And it’s clearly defining a feeling, observation, and need. The second person traces his feeling of disappointment to his own unfulfilled desire.
What is the difference betwen these two statements? “Their cancelling of the contract really irritated me!” vs “When they cancelled the contract, I felt really irritated because that contract meant I could keep working for another 3 months.”
The second speaker is tracing his feeling of irritation to his need of wanting the contract to be in place.
Why is it important to communicate our feelings and needs?
So others can respond more compassionately and they are more likely to be met.
What’s missing from this statement? “When you don’t call me on my birthday, I feel hurt.”
Describing our own needs. “When you don’t call me on my birthday, I feel hurt, because I want to feel appreciated by you.”
What’s wrong with this statement? “It hurts mommy and daddy when you get poor grades at school”? What’s a better way to say it?
- You’re blaming the child.
- They are likely to feel guilt and shame.
- “I feel disappointed when you get poor grades in school because I want you to feel proud of yourself and have a great career when you grow up.”
Judgements, criticisms, ___________, and interpretations of others are all alienated expressions of our ____________.
Diagnoses; unmet needs
What is the need behind “You never understand me” ?
To be heard and understood
What is the need behind, “You’ve been working late every night this week; you love your work more than you love me.”
Intimacy and connection
Judgements of others are alienated expressions of our own ________ _________.
Unmet needs
If we want a compassionate response from others, we should express our own needs rather than interpreting or diagnosing their behaviour.
If we express our needs, we have a much better chance of _____ _____ ______.
Getting them met
Unfortunately, we haven’t been taught to think in terms of needs. We’re accustomed to thinking in violent terms by ___________ ___________.
Blaming others
If we talk in terms of _________, rather than what’s wrong with one another, the possibility of meeting everyone’s ___________ is greatly increased.
Needs
If we don’t value our __________, others may not either.
Needs
“I’ve just become aware that for thirty-six years, I was angry with your father for not meeting my needs, and now I realize that I never once clearly told him what I needed.”
What are the three stages of emotional liberation?
Emotional slavery, obnoxious stage, emotional liberation
