5 - Taking responsibility for our feelings

Question 1

What others do and say are the ___________ but not the __________ of our feelings.

Answer 1

Stimulus, cause

Question 2

Our feelings are a result of two things…

Answer 2

How we choose to receive what others say and do – and our particular needs and expectations in that moment

Question 3

What are the four ways we can receive negative messages?

Answer 3

Blame ourselves, blame others, sense our own feelings and needs, sense others’ feelings and needs

Question 4

When receiving a negative message and we choose to blame ourselves, it comes at great cost to our __________ and causes us to feel ________, __________, and ____________.

Answer 4

Self esteem; guilt, shame, depression

Question 5

When we choose to receive a negative emotion by blaming others, we are likely to feel and communicate ___________. Then our counterpart is likely to respond with ____________ and _____________.

Answer 5

Anger; defensiveness, shut down

Question 6

When someone says “You’re the most self-centered person I’ve ever met,” what is a way to take accountability for and communicate our feelings and needs?

Answer 6

“When I hear you say that I am the most self-centred person you’ve ever met, I feel hurt, because I need some recognition of my efforts to be considerate of your preferences.”

Question 7

When someone says “You’re the most self-centered person I’ve ever met,” what is a way sense and address the other person’s feelings and needs?

Answer 7

Are you feeling hurt because you need more consideration for your preferences?

Question 8

How can we take responsibility for our feelings, rather than blame other people?

Answer 8

By acknowledging our own needs, desires, expectations, values, or thoughts.

Question 9

What is the difference between these two statements? “You disappointed me by not coming over last evening.” vs “I was disappointed when you didn’t come over, because I wanted to talk over some things that were bothering me.”

Answer 9

One is not taking responsibility and blaming others. The other is. And it’s clearly defining a feeling, observation, and need. The second person traces his feeling of disappointment to his own unfulfilled desire.

Question 10

What is the difference betwen these two statements? “Their cancelling of the contract really irritated me!” vs “When they cancelled the contract, I felt really irritated because that contract meant I could keep working for another 3 months.”

Answer 10

The second speaker is tracing his feeling of irritation to his need of wanting the contract to be in place.

Question 11

Why is it important to communicate our feelings and needs?

Answer 11

So others can respond more compassionately and they are more likely to be met.

Question 12

What’s missing from this statement? “When you don’t call me on my birthday, I feel hurt.”

Answer 12

Describing our own needs. “When you don’t call me on my birthday, I feel hurt, because I want to feel appreciated by you.”

Question 13

What’s wrong with this statement? “It hurts mommy and daddy when you get poor grades at school”? What’s a better way to say it?

Answer 13

• You’re blaming the child.
• They are likely to feel guilt and shame.
• “I feel disappointed when you get poor grades in school because I want you to feel proud of yourself and have a great career when you grow up.”

Question 14

Judgements, criticisms, ___________, and interpretations of others are all alienated expressions of our ____________.

Answer 14

Diagnoses; unmet needs

Question 15

What is the need behind “You never understand me” ?

Answer 15

To be heard and understood

Question 16

What is the need behind, “You’ve been working late every night this week; you love your work more than you love me.”

Answer 16

Intimacy and connection

Question 17

Judgements of others are alienated expressions of our own ________ _________.

Answer 17

Unmet needs

Question 18

If we want a compassionate response from others, we should express our own needs rather than interpreting or diagnosing their behaviour.

Question 19

If we express our needs, we have a much better chance of _____ _____ ______.

Answer 19

Getting them met

Question 20

Unfortunately, we haven’t been taught to think in terms of needs. We’re accustomed to thinking in violent terms by ___________ ___________.

Answer 20

Blaming others

Question 21

If we talk in terms of _________, rather than what’s wrong with one another, the possibility of meeting everyone’s ___________ is greatly increased.

Answer 21

Needs

Question 22

If we don’t value our __________, others may not either.

Answer 22

Needs

Question 23

“I’ve just become aware that for thirty-six years, I was angry with your father for not meeting my needs, and now I realize that I never once clearly told him what I needed.”

Question 24

What are the three stages of emotional liberation?

Answer 24

Emotional slavery, obnoxious stage, emotional liberation

Question 25

Stage one of emotional liberation is emotional slavery. What is it characterized by?

Answer 25

• We see ourselves as responsible for the feelings of others.
• We must keep everyone happy. If they don’t feel happy, we feel compelled to do something about it.
• We then see people as burdens and form resentments.

Question 26

Stage two of emotional liberation is the obnoxious stage. What is it characterized by?

Answer 26

We feel angry for living our entire lives without stating our feelings, so we may act cold when met with someone’s pain.
- “That’s your problem!”

Question 27

Stage 3 of emotional liberation is emotional liberation. What is it characterized by?

Answer 27

• We take responsibility for our intentions and actions
• We respond to the needs of others out of compassion (never out of fear, guilt, or shame).
• Our actions are fulfilling to us, as well as to those who receive our efforts.
• We are aware we cannot meet our own needs at the expense of others.