2 - Communication that blocks compassion Flashcards
What is life-alienating communication?
Moralistic judgements that imply wrongness or badness
Blame, insults, put-downs, labels, criticisms, comparisons, and diagnoses are all forms of judgement
Examples: That was not good what you did. You’re bad. The problem with you is that you’re too selfish. She’s lazy. They’re prejudiced. It’s inappropriate.
Seeing in terms of wrongness (life-alienating communication) prevents us from seeing what?
What we and others need and are not getting
The husband who describes their partner with life-alienating communication as cold and aloof might have what need behind that statement?
Closeness and affection, physical intimacy, clarity, reassurance
The wife who describes her husband with life-alienating communication as needy and dependent might have what needs behind that statement?
Independence, time alone, trust, respect, empathy
When we communicate in life-alienating ways, what are we likely to receive back?
Defensiveness and resistance
If we communicate in life-alienating ways, and our recipient conforms to our desires, what is likely motivating them?
Fear, guilt, or shame because they concur with our analysis of their wrongness
If people respond to us out of fear, guilt, or shame, they are going to feel what toward us and what toward themselves?
Resentment toward us and shame toward themselves resulting in lower self-esteem.
What is a nonviolent way of saying “Violence is bad”
“I feel scared when people use violence to resolve conflicts”
What is the root of all violence?
Blaming conflict on the wrongness of your adversaries and failing to see people in terms of vulnerability (what one might be feeling, fearing, yearning for, missing, etc.)
What is wrong with saying “You make me feel guilty.”
It denies our responsibility for our own feelings and thoughts.
What’s wrong with the statement from a teacher, “I hate giving out grades. I have to give them because it’s district policy” and what’s a life-sustaining way of saying it?
It denies choice and responsibility of her feelings, thoughts, and actions. She could say, “I choose to give grades because I want to keep my job.”
Z
Our condition, diagnosis, or personal or psychological history
“I hit my child because he ran into the street.” What’s wrong with this statement?
Not taking responsibility for your feelings and actions
“I have to suspend you for this infraction because it’s the school policy.” What’s wrong with this statement?
Not taking responsibility for your feelings and actions
“I hate going to work, but I do it because I am a husband and a father.” What’s wrong with this statement?
Not taking responsibility for your feelings and actions
