Harold/Melvin - Akash

Question 1

(Scene 2 begins)
INTERVIEWER 1: Harold, thanks for coming in.

Answer 1

HAROLD: Thanks for having me.

Question 2

INTERVIEWER 1: Did you have any trouble finding the Barrow building?

Answer 2

HAROLD: Um…that’s a personal matter and…I’d rather not answer
(Beat. Huh?)

Question 3

INTERVIEWER 1: Well, okay, shall we get started?

Answer 3

HAROLD: Sometimes.

Question 4

INTERVIEWER 1: I… Well let me start by telling you about how this University differs from others in the state. We’re a smaller school, with smaller class sizes and personal attention, but we have the resources of a big state school. These resources include amazing internships, and a faculty of practicing professionals.

Answer 4

HAROLD: Well I’m glad to hear that. When I applied in-state one of my big fears was being overwhelmed by huge lecture classes.

Question 5

INTERVIEWER 1: Well that is exactly the atmosphere we try to avoid here. Now, have you thought about a major yet?

Answer 5

HAROLD: That is my MOTHER you’re talking about here!
(Beat.)
Oh dear, you didn’t just ask to see my mother in a two-piece bathing suit, did you?

Question 6

INTERVIEWER 1: No, I didn’t.

Answer 6

HAROLD: Allow me to explain. I have an extremely rare disorder known as “Chronaquestimixidous.” It’s a neurological condition which renders a person incapable of hearing a question… correctly.

Question 7

INTERVIEWER 1: And by correctly you mean-

Answer 7

HAROLD: Every time you ask a question, I hear a completely different one.

Question 8

INTERVIEWER 1: I see. How come I’ve never heard of “chrona-questimixidous,” before?

Answer 8

HAROLD: Eleanor Roosevelt…probably.
(HAROLD hands INTERVIEWER 1 a doctor’s note.)
I probably should’ve told you as soon as I came in. Sorry, I just don’t like to make a big deal about it.

Question 9

INTERVIEWER 1: Well… Harold, I don’t know what I can do exactly. A college interview is primarily the asking of questions.

Answer 9

HAROLD: So…if a deaf person came into your office, you’d just refuse to do the interview?

Question 10

INTERVIEWER 1: No, I would make sure a translator fluent in sign language was available to aid in the interview.

Answer 10

HAROLD: Well I’m sorry that the AMA hasn’t recognized CQM as a legitimate medical condition, but I try to live my life in a normal and healthy way, and I would appreciate it if you treated me the same as any other prospective student.

Question 11

INTERVIEWER 1: I… suppose you’re right but, well… okay, shall we continue with the interview?

Answer 11

HAROLD: It’s in Argentina, isn’t it?

Question 12

INTERVIEWER 1: Um, yes…sure is. So, what kind of extra-curricular activities are you interested in?

Answer 12

HAROLD: Seventh grade, Melissa Bloch. We both had braces, it was kind of awkward.

Question 13

INTERVIEWER 1: What’s your favorite subject in school?

Answer 13

HAROLD: I would take South Pike road, except during rush hour.

Question 14

INTERVIEWER 1: What’s your favorite color?

Answer 14

HAROLD: Every Sunday.

Question 15

INTERVIEWER 1: Is it me or is this completely pointless?

Answer 15

HAROLD: I don’t know too much about the salivary gland. Sorry.

Question 16

INTERVIEWER 1: Well, that went well, thank you so much for stopping by.

Answer 16

HAROLD: Thank you.

Question 17

INTERVIEWER 1: Do you need directions to get back on the I-40?

Answer 17

HAROLD: Cookie Monster. I guess I just like googley eyes. Is that weird?

Question 18

(Scene 7 begins, MELVIN sits across from INTERVIEWER 2, lifting his shirt up and doing a drum solo on his stomach. It comes to a big finish.)

Answer 18

MELVIN: And that was “Wipeout.”

Question 19

(INTERVIEWER 2 just stares.)
INTERVIEWER 2: …Okay, well…

Answer 19

MELVIN: And now, the orchestral opening to Sweeney Todd.