Gottman Flashcards
What is Absorbing state of negative affect?
It is easier to enter the emotional state than it is to exit.
What is gentle conflict?
Couples take a gentle approach to conflict. They soften the way they bring up issue. e.g. emphasise common ground, mutual influence, constructive conflict management, compromise and attempt to repair ruptures early.
What are unsolvable conflicts?
The focus in many couple therapies is primarily about “conflict resolution”. The therapist sees the goal as helping partners “resolve” their issues and put them away forever. 69% of conflicts are perpetual, they NEVER get resolved. “Choosing a partner is choosing a set of problems”.
processing fights
Processing a fight means being able to talk about it without getting back into it
What’s the interaction ratio for happy and unhappy marriages
a 5:1 positive to negative interaction ratio characterized the conflict discussions of a happily married couple. 0.8:1 positive to negative ratio were labelled unhappy.
What is the first Horseman and its antidote
The first Horsemen is Criticism: stating a problem as a deficit in the partners character. The antidote for criticism is complaining by talking about what one feels (“I” statements, no “you” statement, no blaming) – expressing needs
What is the second horseman and its antidote
The second horseman is Defensiveness: Offers a form of self-protection through whining (victim) or counterattacking. The antidote is taking responsibility for even a small part of the problem
What is the third horseman
The third horseman is Contempt: A statement made from a position of superiority that often includes sarcasm, insults, name calling or something more subtle e.g. correcting someone’s grammar when person is angry. Basically view self as superior than partner. Antidote is absence of contempt and in its place respect
What is the fourth horseman and its antidote
The fourth horseman is Stonewalling: Emotional disengagement from interaction. Withdrawal. Antidote is self-soothing to reduce own physiological arousal and staying emotionally engaged.
Which horseman is most destructive
Contempt is the most destructive horseman and the biggest indicator that a relationship with break up.
What is a “bid”. And what’s the healthy ratio for turning toward bids?
“bids” for “emotional connection” (verbaland nonverbal attempts to get ones partners attention, conversation, interest, enthusiasm, affection etc). Couples that stay together generally turn towards their partners ‘bids’ 86% of the time.
What are the three types of bids?
3 types of bids.
Turning towards: I also want to connect
Turning away: I’m not interested
Turning against: I don’t respect you and want to hurt you
What are fuzzy bids?
Making ambiguous bids on purpose to avoid vulnerability or emotional risk
Advice from Gottman that I should know for exam
1) Understanding must precede advice.
2) The royal road to intimacy is emotional availability and responsiveness
Calm and gentle conflict vs flooding and hostile conflict
When you’re calm you’re listening, empathetic and taking information in. When you’re flooding, you’re attacking and defending.
