Act 1: Scene 6 Flashcards
SECURITY GUARD #2: Here you go. There’s a North Pole right in there.
There’s another one?
SALESWOMAN: That’s fabulous!
Welcome to Macy’s! How are you today?
I’m great! I just met my human dad!
SALESWOMAN: That’s fabulous! Are you an out-of-state visitor?
Yes! I’m from Christmas town!
SALESWOMAN: Then be sure to stop at our visitor’s services department to pick up your discount card.
Oh I won’t be buying anything. I only have chocolate money and most of that melted when I-
SALESWOMAN: That’s fabulous!
Jungle Passion fruit spray?
Fruit spray? Sure.
MANAGER: Hey you! Get back to work! What section I assign you to?
I don’t know?
MANAGER: You don’t know? All right, you work right over here, the North Pole.
That’s not the North Pole.
MANAGER: Yes, it is.
No, it’s not
(Let this go on for a while and then)
Where’s the Snow?!
MANAGER: Why you smilin’ like that?
I just like to smile. Smiling’s my favourite.
MANAGER: Make work your favourite, that’s your new favourite, okay? Work is your new favourite.
Yay! I love to work.
MANAGER: Good.
Nothing makes the big guy happier than to see all his little people working hard.
MANAGER: Wait a minute. The big guy?
Yeah.
MANAGER: The big guy from up north?
That’s the one.
MANAGER: Did he send you down here?
He sure did!
MANAGER: Corporate! Always checking up on me. Okay. Fine. We’ll work together, me and you, be good pals, okay?
Okay!
MANAGER: Okay. Now, I have to make a little announcement, if that’s alright with you?
Of course!
MANAGER: {snip} but tomorrow morning, ten a.m., Santa Claus is comin’ to town!
Santa!!! Oh, my gosh! Santa here? I know him! I know him!
MANAGER: He’ll be here to take pictures with all the children. Ten a.m. tomorrow…
Ten a.m. tomorrow!
MANAGER: Santa Claus is comin’ to town!
Santa Claus is comin’ to town!
MANAGER: You. If you don’t mind, could you go help that girl over there decorate?
Yay! Santa always likes it when I help decorate the North Pole!
Oh! She’s beautiful!
MANAGER: Yeah, but try talkin’ to her, she’s nuts.
She is? I love nuts!
Hi. I’m Buddy the Elf and we’re going to have fun together.
JOVIE: Hi. I’m Jovie the Elf and I seriously doubt it. Enjoying the view?
Yes. You’re very pretty. Like a glittery angel. I’d like to stick you on top of my tree!
JOVIE: Classy. You know what? I’m not a Christmas person, so dial down the elf speak, okay?
Uh oh. Sounds like someone needs to sing a Christmas Carol! Don’t you know, the best way to spread Christmas cheer is singing loud for all to hear!
JOVIE: I don’t sing.
Oh come on. It’s fun!
I’M SINGING
I’M IN A STORE AND I’M SINGING
I’M IN A STORE AND I’M SINGING!
MANAGER: Hey! There’s no singing at the North Pole!
Yes, there is!
(let it go a while and then)
The big guy likes it when we sing.
MANAGER: Oh yeah? Then why are you here wearing an elf suit?
Wait! Stop! This isn’t the right way to decorate for Christmas!!! Don’t you care if Santa likes it or not?
STORE ELF #2: Hey. Take your meds and get to work!
Decorating for Santa isn’t work, it’s fun! You just have to get into the Christmas Spirit!
MANAGER: Yeah, yeah, let’s see some Christmas Spirit!
We can do it, all of us together!
ALL: SPARKLEJOLLYTWINKLEJINGLEY!
Yay! Wasn’t that fun!
MANAGER: You all did one heckuva good job. Nice work. You can go home now. All of you.
Gee, she’s so pretty.
MANAGER: Well, why don’t you ask her out?
Out?
MANAGER: On a date. Take her to dinner…
Eat food with her?
MANAGER: You know. Show her a good time, dance with her, take her home…
…snuggle under the covers, get out the flashlights, eat gingerbread men
JOVIE: Good night.
Hey, wait a second. Would somebody like a hug?
JOVIE: No, would somebody like a punch in the throat?
No!
JOVIE: So, goodnight.
Wait. Do you… wanna eat food?
JOVIE: Do I want to eat food?
Um-hmm. You know…
JOVIE: Are you asking me out on a date?
Yes, right, that’s it. A date!
JOVIE: Oh, you don’t want to go out with me.
Yes, I do!
JOVIE: No, you don’t.
Yes, I do!
JOVIE: Why?
Well, because I like you. I feel really warm when I’m around you. And, um, my tongue swells up.
JOVIE: Your tongue swells up?
Yeth it doth. See?
JOVIE: Well, it’s weirdly nice that I make your tongue swell up, but I just don’t see this date happening.
Oh, of course. I’m sure you already have a date tonight. Obviously. You probably have guys wanting to eat food with you all the time. Lunch, dinner… I bet you have a different guy for breakfast every morning. It was dumb of me to ask.
JOVIE: What the hell. I’m free Thursday.
Thursday? Thursday! Yessssss!!! This is going to be the best Thursday ever in the history of Thursdays!
JOVIE: {snip} Don’t you have a home to go to?
Sure. I have a home to go to. A nice home, with a big bed. And walls and a ceiling and everything. I’m just going to stay here and put up a little more tinsel.
JOVIE: Seriously? Okay. Well. Good night.
G’night Jovie.
FAKE SANTA: Ho, ho, ho! Merry Christmas! Merry Christmas!
Santa! Yea! Yea! It’s me, Buddy! It’s me!
FAKE SANTA: Yo Buddy, how ya doin’?
It’s me! Who the heck are you?
FAKE SANTA: Whadda ya talkin’ about? I’m Santa Claus.
No, you’re not.
FAKE SANTA: Yes, I am. Ho, ho, ho!
No, you’re not.
BOY: I want Call of Duty Modern Warfare
Don’t tell him what you want, he’s a liar!
BOY: I’m not talking to you!
You disgust me. You don’t smell like Santa. You smell like beef and cheese.
FAKE SANTA: Just cool it, Zippy.
You sit on a throne of lies.
BOY: You’re reprehensible!
You’re a fake.
FAKE SANTA: I’m a fake? How’d you like to be dead? Huh?
Look, he’s not really Santa!
MANAGER: Wait! Wait! Santa can’t run that fast!
He isn’t Santa! He’s a liar and a fake!
POLICEMAN #1: Calm down. Tell us your name.
Buddy the Elf
POLICEMAN #2: You got a last name, Buddy the Elf?
Hey! I do! I’m Buddy Hobbs. Do you know my dad, Walter Hobbs?
POLICEMAN #1: No, but we’ll locate him while you’re sitting in a cell cooling your heels.
Thanks. My heels are incredibly sweaty. How did you know?
