The Problem Show (Art) Flashcards
(The play begins)
ART: The thing is, Jim…oh, may I call you Jim? I know it’s James, but I like to feel that we’re… (Gesturing with his hands to make his point) Do you know what I mean?
JAMES: Yeah, yeah.
ART: It just makes it more… I don’t know…real.
JAMES: Sure.
ART: Especially in a little one-on-one like this.
JAMES: Yeah, no problem.
ART: I’m so glad. I’m Arthur, of course, but…to you, Jim…I am Art.
JAMES: Yeah, all right, Art - so what’s the problem?
ART: Don’t you just hate that word…problem?
JAMES: No, not really.
ART: No? Oh, I do - loathe it. Anyway…the reason I wanted to have this little chat with you, Jim, is because…well, first off, let me say this has absolutely nothing to do with your performance this evening.
JAMES: Okay.
ART: Nothing. Zero. Zip.
JAMES: Well…that’s good.
ART: Because what you have to offer is nothing short of…sensational.
JAMES: Really?
ART: Oh, yes. I would describe you as a major talent.
JAMES: Really? (Second time)
ART: Quite remarkable.
JAMES: Wow!
ART: Don’t sound so surprised. Surely you’re aware of the extraordinary gifts you possess?
JAMES: Well, I.. you know…I suppose we all like to think we have…
something.
ART: I’m more inclined to think that you, Jim, have everything.. and more besides.
JAMES: Whoa! That’s amazing. Can you really tell…I mean… just from what you’ve seen tonight?
ART: I have been in this business for many years, Jim. Many, many years. I’ve seen it all. But rarely do I ever come across…whatever it is that you have.
JAMES: I’m…I don’t know what to say. I’m humbled.
ART: Be humbled, Jim. But not by my words - by your own brilliance.
JAMES: And you could see all that…here tonight.
ART: Oh, yes. I was watching you very carefully. You specifically.
JAMES: Wow. Good job I didn’t know or I’d have probably been, you know…
thrown off.
ART: Yes. Which rather brings me to the main reason for this little tête-à-tête.
JAMES: Okay.
ART: You see, it would be remiss of me, regardless of your bountiful talents, if1 didn’t point out… (Sighs heavily) Oh, how do I put this without sounding harsh? (Beat) Areas for improvement?
JAMES: Well, yeah, of course. I mean, you’re the director.
ART: Yes. Yes, I am, Jim. The success or failure of the entire production rests on my shoulders alone. It is an immense responsibility that would crush a lesser man. And I do not take it lightly. And for that reason alone, I am forced to return to that most vile of all words…problem.
JAMES: Well, if it’s not right, you know…you gotta let me know.
ART: Yes. Yes, I must. (Suddenly stands and clasps his head in his hands) God, I hate my job sometimes!
JAMES: No, no, it’s okay, really. I… I don’t mind.
ART: But I mind, Jim. I mind. It all just seems so ridiculous. All this finding fault and criticizing, when all you really want to do is enjoy everything your eyes are bearing witness to…to be swept away in its rapture.
JAMES: Not if there’s a fault, no.
ART: Oh, this mad, insane profession! Why did I allow it to seduce me?
JAMES: I expect…because you love it, Art.
ART: Yes. (Beat) Yes, I suspect you’re right, Jim. It may have taken me by force, but..ever since, I’ve been yielding to its every whim.
JAMES: Yeah, well, so um.. what’s the problem?
ART: Ah, yes, the, um…problem. Yes, well…uh…perhaps this would be a good time to bring in Stephanie.
JAMES: Stephanie?
ART: Yes. You don’t mind, do you?
JAMES: Uh..no, no.
ART: (Calling off) Stephanie! Stephanie, dear! I’m ready for you now!
(STEPHANIE enters from stage R. looking nervous and confused.)
ART: There she is! What an angel- and pretty as a picture. Sit down here, my love, next to me.