Author vs Character (author) Flashcards
CHARACTER: (Head raised from repose) Well, well…the great author returns.
AUTHOR: So it would seem.
CHARACTER: I’d all but given up on you.
AUTHOR: I told you I’d be back as soon as I could.
CHARACTER: I thought you said you were going to the bathroom.
AUTHOR: I did.
CHARACTER: Oh. (Beat) Problems?
AUTHOR: I don’t think that’s any of your concern or a particularly appropriate question to ask. But since you have - no.
CHARACTER: I didn’t mean intestinal ones; I was referring to the creative variety.
AUTHOR: Oh. (Beat) Well, the answer’s still no. I simply became sidetracked by..by some other matters that…required my attention.
CHARACTER: I see. (Beat) Of course, in my day we called it procrastinating.
AUTHOR: What do you mean, “In my day”? You don’t have a day. I just made you up. You’re a character I created for my play, that’s all.
CHARACTER: All right, all right, scratch that. Forget I said it.
AUTHOR: You didn’t say it. Until I write it, you haven’t said it.
CHARACTER: Oh, excuse me. I stand - sit - chastened and corrected.
AUTHOR: Good.
CHARACTER: After all, you’re the one with the pen.
AUTHOR: Yes I am, and don’t you forget it. (Brandishing the pen) This is mightier than the sword, remember?
CHARACTER: Yes, well, whilst I appreciate the metaphor, personally I know what I’d rather be holding if challenged to a duel.
AUTHOR: Well, since I have no intention of including any duels, you don’t have anything to worry about, do you?
CHARACTER: No, I suppose not. But if I were wielding a sword against some poor gimp holding a ballpoint pen, I don’t think I’d have been particularly worried to begin with.
AUTHOR: Look, can we just forget about duels? There aren’t going to be any.
In fact, there’ll be no violence of any kind in this work.
CHARACTER: No. nor much of anything, really.
AUTHOR: Excuse me?
CHARACTER: Well, what have you got so far?
AUTHOR: (Hesitates) You.
CHARACTER: Yes, of whom we know nothing.
AUTHOR: Not yet, because it’s…I’ve. it’s just the beginning.
CHARACTER: And where’s it going?
AUTHOR: What?
CHARACTER: The story. I mean, presumably there is one?
AUTHOR: Of course there is. It’s a. it’s a…a journey. A journey of which you will be a part of to some degree. Though to what degree I haven’t yet decided…but it’s getting smaller by the minute.
CHARACTER: So’s your play.
AUTHOR: Look, I told you, it’s just the beginning. It…it hasn’t found its rhythm yet.
CHARACTER: Mmm..well, the play may not have, but you certainly seem to have hit your stride.
AUTHOR: Meaning what?
CHARACTER: Meaning the constant up and down from this table every five minutes. You’re like a damn yo-yo. First it’s the dog that needs walking, then it’s the laundry that needs folding, then it’s the sound of some God awful soap opera I can hear blaring from the next room, then it’s some uncontrollable urge to dust the mini blinds - it’s never ending. Meanwhile, I’m just sitting here not knowing who I am or where the hell I’m going.
AUTHOR: Join the club.
CHARACTER: It’s all so static, don’t you see? It’s completely static. This play is going nowhere fast.
AUTHOR: You can’t rush the creative process.
CHARACTER: But give me something, can’t you? I need something to work with here. I need to be someone. For the love of God, flesh me out a bit!
AUTHOR: The problem is…I’m not sure that I like you anymore. I’ve a feeling that may be the problem.