Author vs Character (author) Flashcards
CHARACTER: (Head raised from repose) Well, well…the great author returns.
AUTHOR: So it would seem.
CHARACTER: I’d all but given up on you.
AUTHOR: I told you I’d be back as soon as I could.
CHARACTER: I thought you said you were going to the bathroom.
AUTHOR: I did.
CHARACTER: Oh. (Beat) Problems?
AUTHOR: I don’t think that’s any of your concern or a particularly appropriate question to ask. But since you have - no.
CHARACTER: I didn’t mean intestinal ones; I was referring to the creative variety.
AUTHOR: Oh. (Beat) Well, the answer’s still no. I simply became sidetracked by..by some other matters that…required my attention.
CHARACTER: I see. (Beat) Of course, in my day we called it procrastinating.
AUTHOR: What do you mean, “In my day”? You don’t have a day. I just made you up. You’re a character I created for my play, that’s all.
CHARACTER: All right, all right, scratch that. Forget I said it.
AUTHOR: You didn’t say it. Until I write it, you haven’t said it.
CHARACTER: Oh, excuse me. I stand - sit - chastened and corrected.
AUTHOR: Good.
CHARACTER: After all, you’re the one with the pen.
AUTHOR: Yes I am, and don’t you forget it. (Brandishing the pen) This is mightier than the sword, remember?
CHARACTER: Yes, well, whilst I appreciate the metaphor, personally I know what I’d rather be holding if challenged to a duel.
AUTHOR: Well, since I have no intention of including any duels, you don’t have anything to worry about, do you?
CHARACTER: No, I suppose not. But if I were wielding a sword against some poor gimp holding a ballpoint pen, I don’t think I’d have been particularly worried to begin with.
AUTHOR: Look, can we just forget about duels? There aren’t going to be any.
In fact, there’ll be no violence of any kind in this work.
CHARACTER: No. nor much of anything, really.
AUTHOR: Excuse me?
CHARACTER: Well, what have you got so far?
AUTHOR: (Hesitates) You.
CHARACTER: Yes, of whom we know nothing.
AUTHOR: Not yet, because it’s…I’ve. it’s just the beginning.
CHARACTER: And where’s it going?
AUTHOR: What?
CHARACTER: The story. I mean, presumably there is one?
AUTHOR: Of course there is. It’s a. it’s a…a journey. A journey of which you will be a part of to some degree. Though to what degree I haven’t yet decided…but it’s getting smaller by the minute.
CHARACTER: So’s your play.
AUTHOR: Look, I told you, it’s just the beginning. It…it hasn’t found its rhythm yet.
CHARACTER: Mmm..well, the play may not have, but you certainly seem to have hit your stride.
AUTHOR: Meaning what?
CHARACTER: Meaning the constant up and down from this table every five minutes. You’re like a damn yo-yo. First it’s the dog that needs walking, then it’s the laundry that needs folding, then it’s the sound of some God awful soap opera I can hear blaring from the next room, then it’s some uncontrollable urge to dust the mini blinds - it’s never ending. Meanwhile, I’m just sitting here not knowing who I am or where the hell I’m going.
AUTHOR: Join the club.
CHARACTER: It’s all so static, don’t you see? It’s completely static. This play is going nowhere fast.
AUTHOR: You can’t rush the creative process.
CHARACTER: But give me something, can’t you? I need something to work with here. I need to be someone. For the love of God, flesh me out a bit!
AUTHOR: The problem is…I’m not sure that I like you anymore. I’ve a feeling that may be the problem.
CHARACTER: Oh, give me a break, this isn’t a popularity contest! It’s a play!
You don’t have to like everyone in it. In fact, you shouldn’t - it would be boring - which frankly, right now, this is!
AUTHOR: You see, when I first wrote you down, I thought we’d go somewhere together. I didn’t know where, but I thought we would. But it doesn’t seem to be happening. (Beat) Perhaps this just wasn’t meant to be?
CHARACTER: Now you just listen to me. I have sat here patiently while you’ve made every effort to do anything and everything except follow through on what you started. I’ve stared into space, I’ve yawned, I’ve twiddled my thumbs, I’ve even - in my excruciating boredom - tried very hard to imagine a life for myself out of my own head. But I can’t. Only you have the power to do that. So for the love of God, do it!
AUTHOR: I’m sorry…I don’t think that I can. I think this may all have been a big mistake. I think, perhaps, I should start again.
CHARACTER: Don’t you dare!
AUTHOR: It’s not vou, really it isn’t.
