The Do’s And Dont’s Of Dating Flashcards
What are heterosexual dating scripts?
“Scripts” are rooted in gender essentialism
These influence how heterosexual women and men enact their sexuality
“Rules” book
Rules & scripts demonstrate = NEED to learn (so not so biologically driven)
What are dating scripts?
normative
Behavioural guide for particular relationship outcomes
Adherence for both parties = needed for development of comfort
What are the dating scripts for heterosexual men?
Agentic, initiators
Failure to follow script = AFFECTS relationship outcome
Assumptions made about the meaning of behaviours
What are the dating scripts for women?
Passive, responsive
Encourage mens action
Failure to follow script = AFFECTS relationship outcome
Performance of sexuality = shaped by gender
As gender norms shift, so do “________ ______”
Give an example
Sexual scripts
Ex. Women’s empowerment
What is the sexual double standard?
How much experience is too much?
When to have sex – what message is sent?
Assumption of relational imperative
Sex as manipulation
Men’s double standard too but win/win outcome more likely
Men are expected to want and pursue sex regardless of context
Women should not be highly sexual, especially outside of a committed relationship
“Queering the scripts” thrive to “_______” those heteronormative scripts
Counter
Still ask….
When to have sex?
How much experience is too much?
Ex. Pressure to be non monogamous
What was the book “The Rules: Time- Tested
Secrets for Capturing the Heart of Mr. Right” by authors Fein and Schneider about?
Marketed as a self- help guide for heterosexual
women looking to secure a marriage with the man of their dreams
The book advised a woman to* play hard to get* in order to generate men’s interest – no, obsession – so that he would stay “crazy” about her forever
Authors argued that women CAN NOT be the ones to pursue bc men are biologically predisposed to be the agressor in the relationship
Since the first release of the book “The Rules: Time- Tested Secrets for Capturing the Heart of Mr. Right” they have since updated their advice with the “do’s and don’t s for the digital generation”
But though the mediums through which people
partner may have changed, the rules have not…
When men and women were interviewed what did they have to say about this?
Many of their answers were rooted in gender essentialism
Jenna, 26, told me, “It’s just partly
biological. In animals, the guy always flashes. The male bird always flashes his colors – his
feathers or something – to go after what he wants.
Caroline, 31, agreed, “Men need to
feel like they’re in control.” Plus, as many of the women I talked to argued, it is a turn- off
when a woman makes the first move because it makes her seem sad and desperate, rather
than desirable”
Dave, 34, discussed meeting a woman online and then using tips from a book to make his first move, “It was very direct. I’m going to kiss you now.”
As he explained, it is about showing confidence.
What are some “rules” to enact a women’s sexuality?
Do not pursue him.
Do not accept a date for Saturday after Wednesday. Do not have sex “too” quickly.
What are some “rules” to enact a mans sexuality?
Since the publication of The Rules…
A whole “seduction community” has emerged, designed to teach men how to effectively pick up women
“Best practices” for these “pick- up artists” include men demonstrating their “sexual leadership”
with women
It’s worth to note that the “The Rules” book OFFERS PERSCRIPTION for behaviour…
What does this mean?
For behaviour that outlines appropriate dating and courtship practices for men and women
Indicates that they are learned, not innate
These RULES function as scripts and have BROD outlines (just as scripts provide film actors for guidance on how to perform on screen)
What is sexual script theory?
People are taught what it means to be sexual and what defines a situation as sexual or sexualized
These scripts differ across place, space, context, and time, indicating that they are culturally and
historically contingent, and always in flux
These sexual scripts tightly tie the normative behaviour to social consequences…
Why is this?
People are taught that if they behave one way,
they will see positive outcomes such as love, whereas if they behave another way, they will
experience negative outcomes such as loneliness
Sexual scripts not only influence behavioural norms, but also what people find “________” and not
Attractive
Typically, as gender norms shift so do “_______ ______”
Sexual scripts
After surveying some heterosexual women, what did they say in regards of sex on the first date?
Heterosexual women said that having sex “too soon” was a bad idea if the goal was a longer- term relationship
But a one- night stand for the sake of sex was fine
This was less about women’s own feelings toward sex and more about how they experienced men’s reactions
They also realized that they would be evaluated for that behaviour through a gendered lens
As a result, they fell back on the dating rule, which they shared with each other: “Don’t do it on the first three dates.”
After surveying some heterosexual men, what did they say in regards of sex on the first date?
Heterosexual men concurred, stating that they were indeed less likely to consider a woman “relationship material” if she had sex early in the relationship
Interestingly, when men discussed this rule, the issue was the women’s ability to commit, not theirs…
Henry, 28, told me, “It would be a red flag to
me . . . if her general attitude toward sex and sexual behavior demonstrated a lack of respect for herself
What is the relational imperative?
The belief that all normal women should want a romantic relationship
It’s used to imply that women who have sex outside of a relationship are somehow lacking, or that enjoying sex without commitment reflects a psychological problem
How can women be facing a “double-edged sword” in regards to having sex early in the relationship?
Either perceived as…
- not seen as relationship material because they do not take themselves seriously or respect themselves
- or they are viewed as desperate and looking to use sex to get into a relationship
= these scripts left women constrained in how much room they had to negotiate sexual decision making and so many erred on the side of caution
Unlike women, men are socially “_________” for having no- strings- attached sex with multiple partners, as it reaffirms their “_________” prowess
Rewarded
Masculine
This REAFFIRMS the double standard
How do men face a “win-win” situation in regards to having sex early in the relationship?
Either percieved as…
- Able to have sex quickly without judgment, assumed to simply be fulfilling a biological imperative
- Or they could delay sex and then be viewed as especially chivalrous and desirable, in contrast with the image of “how most men are”
= these narratives give he heterosexual men more power than women to turn a casual sexual relationship into a committed and sexually exclusive romantic relationship
LGBTQ people have the advantage of exposure to “______ _______”
What does this allow them to do?
Queer politics
This allows them to draw on alternative understandings on *how to build relationships**
They embrace making “life choices distinct from those considered more socially expected, celebrated,
and sanctioned”
Rather than embrace the conventional norms of
intimate life, the goal was to challenge normalization and position themselves outside the status quo
Re- envisioned dating scripts reflected this aim
How do LGBTQ people think relationship and sex should be like?
“In relationships, what’s been important is, are we connecting in a way that feels authentic and good and organic and are we letting things live and die as they need to? Are we not pushing to fit into some model that we think we need to be in? Are we being true to ourselves and what we actually need to be happy people?”
Rather than follow particular guidelines, the emphasis was on when it felt good and right, which was highly
contextual and individualized
Unlike the judgments leveled at heterosexual women by heterosexual men for the extent of their sexual experience, LGBTQ people expressed that someone’s past was at a minimum “_______” and at best an “______”
Irrelevant
Asset
Rather than imbue sexual experience with
negative connotations then, LGBTQ people reframed it as a positive that could add to their sexual pleasure
Sexual experience meant someone who knew what they were doing in bed and would contribute to a fun experience
What is included in queer alternative scripts?
These scripts are intended to
subvert normative constructions of intimate life, but which also have informed understandings of good and bad sexual practices
For example, LGBTQ people discussed the pressure to be nonmonogamous
Because monogamy is considered an oppressive practice and polyamory presented as the progressive solution, these alternative sexual scripts shaped
feelings about the types of relationships people should desire
Patricio said that support for polyamory was strong
in their social groups, explaining, “I remember sitting in one of those art meetings that I used to go to a few years ago, and we’re just like, boo, monogamy! Like mono- go!”
