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The Interviews > Scene 3 > Flashcards

Scene 3 Flashcards

cues for scene 3

1
Q

knock knock

A

hey beth. you’re in early today

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2
Q

shake things up a bit

A

you overachiever you

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3
Q

to gossip around the water cooler

A

I thought you only drank your special spring water filtered through volcanic rock and perfectly kept to temp in your pink stanley cup

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4
Q

make sure you aren’t taking yourself too seriously

A

i only take myself as seriously as i have to

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5
Q

you’re wound more tightly than a mallard’s dick

A

beth

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6
Q

virginia

A

i work in HR. please don’t walk about duck penises or any penises while we’re at work

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7
Q

you wouldn’t get through the day without me

A

please get out of my office

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8
Q

see you at lunch

A

obviously

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9
Q

love you [beth exits, ethan enters]

A

hello. may i help you

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10
Q

i’m here for the interview

A

oh? i don’t have an interview for another, 30 minutes

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11
Q

nice office. yours?

A

yes actually

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12
Q

we’ll see about that

A

excuse me?

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13
Q

maybe one with a window

A

well, if i can get this position filled maybe i can talk to my boss

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14
Q

i’m ethan by the way

A

virginia. it’s nice to meet you ethan

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15
Q

i can never get mine to grow

A

um thank you? i just use some lavender stuff my boyfriend joel gave me

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16
Q

how long have you been together

A

a while. it’s actually complicated. and frankly none of your business

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17
Q

i’d love to get some for myself

A

sure, i suppose. why don’t you have a seat and i’ll find your paperwork… um sorry that’s actually my seat. you can have a seat over there

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18
Q

pretty please

A

no i don’t think so. please just have a seat over there. did you bring your resume?

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19
Q

ugh fine here

A

so ethan, why do you want to work at crossroads?

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20
Q

i don’t

A

excuse me?

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21
Q

i don’t want to work here

A

i don’t understand. if you don’t want to work here then why are you at this interview?

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22
Q

that way the checks keep coming

A

checks?

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23
Q

act like i’m trying to find a job

A

so you aren’t actually interested in the hr position i’m currently interviewing you for

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24
Q

free coffee in the breakroom

A

sir you’re being incredibly inappropriate. i’m actually trying to fill this position. and now you’ve taken an interview slot from a candidate that actually wants the job

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25
Q

nothing left but an agreeable husk

A

it seems like you’ve wanted everything in this building except the one thing i have to offer you. have you ever actually had a job?

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26
Q

why would i do that

A

to contribute? be a productive member of society? have a sense of accomplishment? be self sufficient?

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27
Q

hahahahah

A

you think that’s funny?

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28
Q

and be one of the elite

A

my contributions absolutely matter

29
Q

how long have you worked here?

A

well about 5,6, you know, i’m actually not sure. i got hired in june because i remember it was unseasonably hot. it was right after i split with.. you know what, no. i’m the one doing the interviewing, not you. and i happen to like being a healthy responsible contributor to society

30
Q

wanna see my tats

A

no

31
Q

this is an apple

A

you know what ethan i think we’re done here. you’ve wasted enough of my time

32
Q

those other schmucks in the lobby

A

mr. asp. please leave

33
Q

we were having such a nice time

A

no. no we weren’t

34
Q

wanna see how i eat a kiwi

A

security!

35
Q

i showed up for the interview

A

ugh fine

36
Q

i wanted the jelly

A

get a job in hr they said. it’ll be fun they said. you’ll have a bit of control in the company. i guess i can make sure douche canoes like that don’t get hired here. Waterbed? what is this, 1995? when this is over i’m asking for a raise

37
Q

how are the interviews going

A

well we haven’t exactly found the right candidate yet, but we have several still to go through so i’m sure we’ll find someone

38
Q

run like a well lubed apparatus

A

um. well oiled machine?

39
Q

what’s that you say

A

the phrase is a well oiled machine

40
Q

i think that’s what i said

A

no, what you said sounded more icky

41
Q

what’s icky sounding about apparatus

A

that’s not the part that, you know what? never mind.

42
Q

it seemed like you had something to say

A

you just have to think more about wording before you speak. or it can come off, badly

43
Q

caray was talking about an actual cow

A

you’re right. i’m sorry. i’m just frustrated. all of these candidates have been terrible. that last one straight up told me he didn’t want to be here

44
Q

i actually appreciate the honesty

A

you appreciate the honesty?

45
Q

not you when you’re hungry

A

apples are supposed to be for teachers aren’t they?

46
Q

for all occasions

A

thanks but i’m actually allergic. i break out in hives. it’s a whole thing.

47
Q

it’s delicious

A

no thank you lou

48
Q

i’m probably biased

A

i’m sorry i just. i tell you what, i’d really appreicate it if you’d send the next person in. it would be very helpfu. and you can leave the apple. i might need a snack later

49
Q

and acts of service

A

un, love? oh wow i don’t

50
Q

who’s up next?

A

un looks like belpha gordon

51
Q

filipino maybe

A

what? i don’t think so?

52
Q

go for some good lumpia

A

see now that’s inapproriate, i’m the head of hr. why does no one think about that before they say things to me

53
Q

[belpha enters]

A

hello. make yourself comfortable

54
Q

always

A

belpha, am i pronouncing that correctly?

55
Q

yeppers

A

great, belpha, thank you for coming in today. i’m looking over your resumer and it says here you specialize in employee efficiency maintenance and task reduction services. can you tell me a little more about that?

56
Q

or be eliminated altogether

A

interesting. can you give me an example?

57
Q

life portion of my work life balance

A

discord and AI? i’m not sure i understand. can you elaborate?

58
Q

and otherwise resolve conflicts

A

so you would in essense delegate another department to create an app of sorts that would do all the work of an hr manager while you do, what?

59
Q

or wearing pants

A

while that sounds like a, creative solution, this job really requires someone with excellent interpersonal skills and a fair amount of face to face communication. some things just can’t be done by a machine

60
Q

we could eliminate jobs altogether

A

i have to ask, why would you interview for a position you’re hoping to eliminate?

61
Q

someone always has to keep watch

A

i guess that makes sense. but then you have to actually intervene when something goes wrong

62
Q

in my pjs

A

so you’d just watch the chaos from your invention and never intervene

63
Q

i appreciate the model

A

your boss at E cloud securities?

64
Q

going full remote after the last fall

A

last fall, you mean fall 2023?

65
Q

sure

A

and how was that

66
Q

or put on real pants for months

A

that sounds… depressing

67
Q

no unpaid overtime because you’re salary

A

i’m sorry ms gordon but hr really requires a lot more… presence. both physical and mental. perhaps you’d be suited more for a position in IT?

68
Q

off then on again

A

you’d actually be surprised at how often that works. but, you know what, thanks for coming in but i just don’t think it’s a good fit

69
Q

i could have made things a lot easier for you around here

A

i love my job, i love my job, i love my job, i need my job, i need my job

The Interviews (10 decks)

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