Listening Flashcards
You’re not listening to me
Support:
- “I hear your concern, and I want to assure you that I am listening.”
- “I hear you saying that you feel unheard, and I want to address that.”
- “Your perspective is important to me, and I’m here to support you.”
- “I’m here to stand by you and help address any concerns you may have.”
Empathy:
- “I understand that feeling unheard can be frustrating, and I’m sorry if I’ve contributed to that.”
- “I can see how you might feel that way, and I want to acknowledge your feelings.”
- “It sounds like you’re feeling frustrated, and I want to validate that.”
- “I hear you expressing that sentiment, and I want you to know that I’m here to understand and support you.”
- “I understand that you may feel frustrated or unheard.”
Truth:
- “Can you please elaborate on what you’re feeling or what you need me to understand better? I want to make sure we’re communicating effectively and finding common ground.”
- “I’m committed to understanding your point of view and finding common ground.”
- “Let’s work together to clarify any misunderstandings and find a resolution that works for both of us.”
- “I want to ensure that we’re both heard and understood so we can move forward positively.”
You don’t clean
- Stop and listen: When your wife expresses her frustration, listen to her without interruption. Let her share her feelings and concerns.
- Empathize: Acknowledge her feelings by saying something like, “I understand that you’re frustrated about the cleanliness of the house. I want to address your concerns.”
- Think about your response: Before responding, take a moment to think about what you want to say. Consider how you can address her concerns calmly and constructively.
- Tell your side: Explain to her the efforts you made to keep the house clean while she was away and the reasons why you believe the house wasn’t as clean as she expected. You could say something like, “I did clean while you were gone, but I understand that it may not have met your expectations. Let’s discuss how we can avoid this miscommunication in the future.”
Or
“I cleaned the house every day while you were gone, and I’m surprised that it still doesn’t meet your expectations.”
If she says we already talked about it
“I’m sorry if I don’t remember our past conversations about this. Can we discuss what specific expectations you have so I can make sure to follow them in the future?”
You never change” or “I don’t believe your words, show me
,” I understand that it feels like I haven’t made the changes you need, and I see how frustrating and painful that must be for you. I want you to know that I am committed to making positive changes, and I realize it’s not easy to believe that without seeing consistent actions.”
Interpreted as saying mean or hurtful words/tone
I’m sorry it came across that way. I can see how it could be hurtful. If you’ll allow me, I’d like to rephrase that. But if you prefer not to, I understand. I don’t want to hurt you. You’re my wife, the love of my life, and I’ll work on my tone and choice of words.
Validate before responding
It sounds like you’re very hurt because of X, is that right?
Misunderstanding and failure to clarify
Can you help me understand what you mean by that?
When she complains she can’t hear me
I know it’s frusterating when you can’t hear me well, and I don’t want you to feel ignored.
When she repeats the same complaint
Her frequent repeating might be a way shevis expressing that she doesn’t feel heard. Consider reassuring her after repeating back what she says,
“I want to make sure you know I understand this the first time you told me, and I’m working on it.”
Stay Foccussed on their feelings
I can see how much this hurts you. It must feel incredibly upsetting to see X
Mirror emotions
It sounds like you’re feeling deeply hurt and maybe even betrayed by how X is behaving. It’s understandable that you’re so upset—it’s really painful when someone you love doesn’t respond in a way that feels supportive.
Avoid defending or explaining a different viewpoint
Refrain from introducing a different perspective unless she specifically asks for it.
Focus solely on her pain and validate her perception of the situation.
Acknowledge and Validate Feelings
Focus on how she feels rather than defending your perspective.
Example:
“I hear how strongly you feel about this. You’re right—this situation with X is so upsetting, and it’s frustrating when solutions don’t feel safe or effective.”
Proactive comfort and support
When you notice signs of distress, acknowledge them.
Example:
“It seems like this is really weighing on you. I’m here for you—how can I support you right now?”
Focus on Listening
When emotions rise, remind yourself that listening and empathizing are more important than responding or defending yourself in the moment.
