Gottman ch4: Principle #2 - nurture your fondness and admiration Flashcards
What is a « fondness and admiration system » ?
A « fondness and admiration system » : sometimes, when a couple is struggling, underneath the mutual antagonism there are still glimmerings or evidences that each one still believes the other is worthy of being respected and even liked. If a couple still has a functioning « fondness and admiration system », their marriage is still salvageable. Fondness and admiration are two of the most crucial elements in a rewarding and long-lasting romance. When these are completely absent from a marriage, the relationship cannot be revived. (pp62-63)
What is the best TEST of a couple’s fondness and admiration system?
The best TEST of a couple’s fondness and admiration system is their view of the past: when they think back to their early days, do they find any embers of love still flickering? Is their any remaining fondness? Happy memories? Appreciation? Respect? If not, if each person views the past in a purely negative light, there is little to no hope of reviving the flame.
How can you prevent a happy marriage from deteriorating?
By simply reminding yourself of your spouse’s positive qualities - even as you grapple with each other’s flaws - you can prevent a happy marriage from deteriorating. The simple reason is that fondness and admiration are antidotes for contempt. Fondness and admiration prevent the couple from being trounced by the four horsemen. p65
see Fondness and Admiration questionnaire p66
What effect does it have on your marriage to openly acknowledge and discuss positive aspects of your partner and your marriage?
Openly acknowledging and discussing positive aspects of your partner and your marriage strengthens the marital bond and fans the flames of the marriage.
see questionnaires pp68-77
