Gottman ch1 : seven principles for making marriage work

Question 1

What is the simple truth at the heart of Gottman’s marriage program?

Answer 1

The simple truth at the heart of Gottman’s marriage program is that happy marriages are based on a deep friendship: a mutual respect for and enjoyment of each other’s company (p19)

Question 2

What are some characteristics of a « deep friendship » marriage?

Answer 2

The husband and wife know each other intimately. They are well versed in each other’s likes, dislikes, personality quirks, hopes, and dreams. They have an abiding regard for each other and express this fondness not just in the big ways but in little ways day in and day out. (p20)

Question 3

Why does friendship fuel the flames of romance?

Answer 3

Friendship fuels the flames of romance because it offers the best protection against feeling adversarial toward your spouse. (p20)

Question 4

What is “positive sentiment override”?

Answer 4

Positive sentiment override describes the experience when a couple’s positive thoughts about each other and their marriage are so pervasive that they tend to supersede their negative feelings. (p20)

Question 5

What is the “set point” principle?

Answer 5

Once your marriage gets “set” at a certain degree of positivity, it will take far more negativity to harm your relationship than if your “set point” were lower. And if your relationship becomes overwhelmingly negative, it will be more difficult to repair it. (this situation might described as “negative sentiment override” as everything gets interpreted more and more negatively) p21

Question 6

What is a “repair attempt”?

Answer 6

A “repair attempt” is any statement or action - silly or otherwise - that prevents negativity from escalating out of control. Repair attempts are the secret weapon of emotionally intelligent couples. (p22) The success or failure of a couple’s repair attempts is one of the primary factors in whether their marriage flourishes or flounders.

Question 7

Can most marital arguments be resolved according to Gottman?

Answer 7

No. According to Gottman, most marital arguments cannot be resolved. This is because most disagreements are rooted in fundamental differences of lifestyle, personality, or values. (p23)

Question 8

What needs to happen in the face of significant marital conflict, then?

Answer 8

The couple needs to dig beneath the “focal point” of the conflit to understand the bottom-line difference that is causing the conflict - and to learn how to live with it by honoring and respecting each other. p24