Gottman ch2: seven principles . . . marriage Flashcards
What is the FIRST SIGN that a marriage is in trouble?
FIRST SIGN: Harsh startup
The most obvious indicator is seen in how a conflict begins (ie. criticism and/or sarcasm, a form of contempt) p26
What should a couple do when a touchy conversation begins with a “harsh startup”?
Gottman suggests that they pull the plug on the conversation, take a breather, and start over at a later time or date. p27
What is the SECOND SIGN that a marriage is in trouble?
The SECOND SIGN: the FOUR HORSEMEN
Horsemen #: Criticism
Horsemen #2: Contempt
Horsemen #3: Defensiveness
Horsemen #4: Stonewalling
Describe Horsemen#1: Criticism.
Horsemen #1: Criticism
A COMPLAINT only addresses the specific action at which your spouse failed.
A CRITICISM is more global - it adds on some negative words about your mate’s character or personality.
p27
Describe Horsemen#2: Contempt.
Contempt is expressed in sarcasm and cynicism, in name-calling, eye-rolling, sneering, mockery and hostile humor. This is the WORST of the four horsemen. Contempt is poisonous to a relationship because it conveys disgust. It leads to more conflict rather than to reconciliation. p29
Belligerence is a form of agressive anger that contains a threat or provocation. p31
Describe Horsemen#3: Defensiveness.
Defensiveness doesn’t help in a situation of conflict. It is really way of blaming the other person. It simply escalates the conflict.
Describe Horsemen#4: Stonewalling.
Where discussions begin with a harsh startup, where criticism and contempt lead to defensiveness, which leads to more contempt and more defensiveness, eventually one partner TUNES OUT. A stonewaller gives no feedback. He or she tends to look away or down without uttering a sound, to sit like an impassive stone, to act as though he or she couldn’t care less. p33
What is the THIRD SIGN that a marriage is in trouble?
THIRD SIGN: Flooding
Flooding means that your spouse’s negativity - whether in the guise of criticism or contempt or even defensiveness - is so overwhelming, and so sudden, that it leaves you shell-shocked. p34
All you can think about is protecting yourself from the turbulence your spouse’s onslaught causes. And the way to do that is to disengaged emotionally from the relationship. p35
What is the FOURTH SIGN that a marriage is in trouble?
FOURTH SIGN: Body language
Physiological changes during heightened conflict are so dramatic that if one partner is frequently flooded during marital discussions, it’s easy to predict that they will divorce. p36
Why do recurring episodes of “flooding” lead to divorce? (two reasons)
First reason: recurring episodes of flooding signal that at least one partner feels severe emotional distress when dealing with the other.
Second reason: the physical sensations of feeling flooded makes it virtually impossible to have a productive, problem-solving discussion.
“When a pounding heart and all the other physical stress reactions happen in the midst of a discussion with your mate, the consequences are disastrous. Your ability to process information is reduced, meaning it’s harder to pay attention to what your partner is saying. Creative problem solving goes out the window. You’re left with the most reflexive, least intellectually sophisticated responses in your repertoire: to fight (act critical, contemptuous, or defensive) or flee (stonewall). Any chance of resolving the issue is gone.” pp36-37
What is the FIFTH SIGN that a marriage is in trouble?
The FIFTH SIGN : failed repair attempts
A REPAIR ATTEMPT is an effort to deescalate the tension during a touchy discussion - to put on the brakes so flooding is prevented.
The failure of repair attempts is an accurate marker for an unhappy marriage.
The quality of the friendship between the husband and the wife is a predictor that repair attempts will work.
What is the SIXTH SIGN that a marriage is in trouble?
The SIXTH SIGN : bad memories
When a marriage is not going well, history gets rewritten - for the worse.
When the four horsemen overrun a home, impairing the communication, the negativity mushrooms to such a degree that everything a spouse does - or ever did - is recast in a negative light.
What are the FOUR FINAL STAGES that signal the death knell of a relationship?
The FOUR FINAL STAGES:
1. You see your marital problems as severe.
2. Talking things over seems useless. You try to solve problems on your own.
3. You start leading parallel lives.
Loneliness sets in.
An affair is usually a SYMPTOM of a dying marriage, not the cause.
