Disconnection & Rejection - Defectiveness & Shame Flashcards
How does defectiveness/shame manifest?
Feelings that defective, inferior, bad, worthless, unlovable
Consequently feel shame about who I am
What are typical behaviours?
Devaluing & allowing others to devalue
Hypersensitive to criticism & rejection
(sad if surrender angry if overcompensate)
Feel to blame for problems with others
Self-conscious, comparisons
Insecure, jealous, competitive (one up, one down)
Choose critical and rejecting, are critical of people who love them
What characteristics of narcissistic patients can manifest in a defectiveness schema when overcompensating?
Grandiosity and unrelenting standards
What are the goals of treatment?
Increase self esteem
Believe worthy of love and respect
Nature of human beings to be flawed and imperfect-we can love each other anyway
What are characteristics of someone who have healed defectiveness & shame schema
More at ease around others
Feel less vulnerable and exposed
Less self-conscious
Regard others as less judgmental and more accepting
Put human flaws in realistic perspective
Stop hiding parts of self
Maintain sense of own value when rejected or criticized
Accept compliments, don’t let treat badly
Less defensive, perfectionistic
What are the cognitive strategies for defectiveness & shame?
Alter view of self as defective
Flash card
Rather than being inherent, most of my flaws are behaviours I learned in childhood that can be changed, or they are not flaws at all, but rather manifestations of over criticalness
What kind of parents do defectiveness & shame schema have?
Extremely critical and rejecting
What experiential strategies help?
Enter imagery, healthy adult stands up to and expresses anger at critical and rejecting parents, comforts, protects and praises rejected child
How to react to criticism?
If baseless, state point of view and affirm internally criticism is false
If true, accept and try to transform self
How deal with hyper critical people?
Set limits
Don’t allow mistreatment
Other social skills?
Self disclose more to trusted others
the more can share and be accepted the more overcome schema
What must they stop?
Overcompensating by appearing perfect, achieving excessively, demeaning others, competing for status
