Chapter Eleven - Coping with Conflict

Question 1

Conflict

Answer 1

A disagreement between two interdependent people who perceive that they have incompatible goals, scarce resources, or interference from achieving their goals.

Question 2

What is the central theme emphasized through conflict?

Answer 2

Incompatibility

Example: Incompatible goals for how to spend or save $

Question 3

Serial Arguing

Answer 3

A pattern that occurs when people repeatedly have conflict about the same issue over time.

Question 4

When does serial arguing occur?

Answer 4

Likely to occur when two people have incompatible goals about something that is important to them and their differences on the issue cannot easily be resolved.

Question 5

What context does conflict occur in mostly?

Answer 5

Close relationships; more within family and romantic relationships than friendship or work relationships.

Question 6

Conflict ___ as relational partners become more committed and interdependent.

Answer 6

Increases.

Question 7

Spillover Effect

Answer 7

The notions that the emotional state of one member of a dyad or group influences (or spills over into) the emotional states, cognitive states, and behaviors of other members of the group/dyad
(Example: Parents who engage in dysfunction conflict > dysfunctional parenting style > children have trouble interacting with their peers)

Question 8

Socialization Effect

Answer 8

When related to divorce, this effect suggests that children who have parents who frequently engage in aggressive conflict do worse in school and have trouble interacting with their peers in part because children adopt conflict styles similar to their parents’ conflict styles.

Question 9

What are the 6 conflict styles?

Answer 9

Competitive Fighting, Compromising, Collaborating, Indirect Fighting, Avoiding, and Yielding.

Question 10

What two dimensions distinguish conflict style?

Answer 10

Cooperation & Directness

Question 11

Cooperation Dimension of Conflict

Answer 11

Cooperative conflict takes both partner’s goals into account, whereas uncooperative conflict focuses on one person trying to win the argument.

Question 12

Directness Dimension of Conflict

Answer 12

Direct conflict involves engaging in conflict and talking about the issues, whereas indirect conflict involves avoiding discussion of the conflict.

Question 13

Competitive Fighting

Answer 13

Direct and uncooperative conflict style where a person tries to control the interaction so they have more power than their partner. Tactics include name calling, blaming, accusations, threats, sarcasm, etc. Win-lose situation (I win the argument, you lose).

Question 14

Compromising

Answer 14

Direct and moderately cooperative conflict style that involves finding a fair, intermediate position that satisfies both partner’s needs. Usually involves giving up some things you want to get other things you want, part-win-part-lose.

Question 15

Collaborating

Answer 15

Direct and cooperative conflict style that involves involves creative problem solving and finding new solutions that meet both parties’ needs. Win-win situation as both partner’s needs are satisfied. Tactics include: expressing agreement, making descriptive or disclosive statements, being supporting, accepting responsibility, brainstorming ideas, and soliciting partner opinions

Question 16

Indirect Fighting

Answer 16

Indirect and uncooperative conflict style that involves using passive aggressive tactics (related to patterns of negative withdrawal) that express aggression/disagreement and can shut down discussions of the conflict issue. Tactics include: failure to validate partner’s concern, eye rolling, silent treatment, holding a grudge, etc.

Question 17

Avoiding

Answer 17

An indirect conflict style that is neither cooperative or uncooperative where people refrain from arguing and refuse to confront their partners in a meaningful way. Tactics include: denying conflict, being evasive, changing the topic, joking, or acting like they don’t care.

Question 18

Yielding

Answer 18

An indirect and cooperative conflict style that involves one partner giving into and accommodating the other partner; foregoing one’s own desires for their partner’s. This style does not escalate conflict but it does gloss over differences, downplays disagreements, and trivializes conflict.

Question 19

Chilling Effect

Answer 19

When a less powerful person stays silent on an issue because of the possible negative consequences associated with speaking up (aggression or abandonment).

Question 20

What are the four conflict patterns?

Answer 20

Negative Reciprocity, Demand-Withdraw, The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, and Accommodation

Question 21

Negative Reciprocity

Answer 21

This principle states that aggression or negative expressions beget more of the same; Once one partner uses competitive or indirect fighting, the other person is more likely to follow suit.

Question 22

Positive Reciprocity

Answer 22

A pattern where both partners engage in cooperative or immediate behavior.

Question 23

Flaming

Answer 23

Hostile expressions of emotions online through means such as swearing, insulting, and name-calling.

Question 24

Gunnysacking

Answer 24

Occurs when people store up old grievances and then dump them on their partner during a conflict.

Question 25

Kitchen sinking

Answer 25

When people rehash old arguments when they get into a new argument so that there are too many issues to deal with at once.

Question 26

Magic Ratio

Answer 26

Happy couples tend to engage in about 5 positive behaviors for every 1 negative behavior; 5:1

Question 27

Demand-Withdraw

Answer 27

A persistent pattern that occurs when one person in a relationship want to talk about problems or issues (less powerful partner) and the other person usually want to avoid talking about those issues (more powerful partner)
Example: wife is upset by mess, husband doesn’t mind it and does not want to change the status quo.

Question 28

Punctuation

Answer 28

When both partners think their negative communication is caused by the other person’s behavior. Example: I act demanding because you withdraw, I withdraw because you act demanding)

Question 29

What are the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse?

Answer 29

Criticism, defensiveness, contempt, & stonewalling

Question 30

Criticism

Answer 30

Criticisms is a personal attack that blame someone else for a problem;

Example: “I can’t believe how much space you take in the closet. You are so inconsiderate and rude!”
The antidote → Complaints which focus on a specific behavior without blame
Example: “I think it’s important that we divide the closet space evenly. I don’t like my clothes all scrunched together”

Question 31

Contempt

Answer 31

Contempt includes communicating an air of superiority that is often the byproduct of long-standing problems in a relationship.
Example: “I need some damp help! All you do is sit there on your butt watching TV while I fix dinner and tend to the kids. I worked just as hard, actually harder than you did today. You are just lazy and self absorbed!”

Antidote → Showing Respect; put self in partner’s shoes.
Example: “I know you’re tired after working all day and your job is really important. But I’m tired too and I would appreciate it if you could help with dinner so we can both relax after”

Question 32

Defensiveness

Answer 32

Defensiveness includes communication designed to defend oneself against attacks by deflecting blame to someone or something else; “its not me, its you”

Did you call grandma?
Example: “You knew I was busy today, why didn’t you?”

Antidote → Accepting Responsibility
Example: “Opps. I did not. I was so busy today, sorry”

Question 33

Stonewalling

Answer 33

Stonewalling usually occurs after a conflict pattern when communication seems futile & the withdrawing partner is anxious > emotional flooding (partner is overwhelmed/ surprised by partner’s behavior in conflict).
Example: “Just stop yelling and let me watch TV! I’m really not interested in anything you have to say..”

Antidote → Psychological Self-Soothing
Example: “Let’s take a break and calm down. In about half an hour, we can regroup and talk again when we’re both in a better frame of mind to try to work this out”

Question 34

Accommodation

Answer 34

To recover from 4 horseman, people must engage in accommodation. Accommodation occurs when people are able to overcome the initial tendency to retaliate in response to negative behavior and instead engage in cooperative communication to maintain their relationship.

Question 35

Attribution

Answer 35

A perceptual process of assigning reasons or causes to one’s own behavior or that of others.

Personal vs Situational (he acted that way because he has a rotten personality vs he acted that way because he had a bad day)
Stable vs Unstable (he is always like this vs this is out of character for him)
Global vs Specific (he is rude in every context vs he was rude in this one context)

Question 36

Relationship-enhancing Attributions

Answer 36

Happy relationships tend to make relationship enhancing attributions by attributing negative behavior (whining/complaining/nagging) to causes that are external, unstable, and specific.

Question 37

Distress-maintaining attributions

Answer 37

Unhappy relationships tend to make distress-maintaining attributions by attributing negative behavior to internal, stable, and global causes.

Question 38

Argumentativeness

Answer 38

A communication style that focuses on logical argument and reasoning. People with argumentative styles confirm conflict directly by recognizing issues of disagreement, taking positions in controversial issues, backing up claims with evidence and reasoning, and refuting views contrary to their own.

Question 39

Verbal Aggressiveness

Answer 39

A style that focuses on attacking the other person’s self concept, often with the intention of hurting the other person; tactics include: teasing, threatening, and criticizing the partner’s character or appearance.

Question 40

What steps are necessary to be an effective listener?

Answer 40

1. Put yourself in your partner’s place
2. Don’t jump to conclusion
3. Ask questions
4. Paraphrase what your partner says