Chapter Eleven - Coping with Conflict Flashcards
Conflict
A disagreement between two interdependent people who perceive that they have incompatible goals, scarce resources, or interference from achieving their goals.
What is the central theme emphasized through conflict?
Incompatibility
Example: Incompatible goals for how to spend or save $
Serial Arguing
A pattern that occurs when people repeatedly have conflict about the same issue over time.
When does serial arguing occur?
Likely to occur when two people have incompatible goals about something that is important to them and their differences on the issue cannot easily be resolved.
What context does conflict occur in mostly?
Close relationships; more within family and romantic relationships than friendship or work relationships.
Conflict ___ as relational partners become more committed and interdependent.
Increases.
Spillover Effect
The notions that the emotional state of one member of a dyad or group influences (or spills over into) the emotional states, cognitive states, and behaviors of other members of the group/dyad
(Example: Parents who engage in dysfunction conflict > dysfunctional parenting style > children have trouble interacting with their peers)
Socialization Effect
When related to divorce, this effect suggests that children who have parents who frequently engage in aggressive conflict do worse in school and have trouble interacting with their peers in part because children adopt conflict styles similar to their parents’ conflict styles.
What are the 6 conflict styles?
Competitive Fighting, Compromising, Collaborating, Indirect Fighting, Avoiding, and Yielding.
What two dimensions distinguish conflict style?
Cooperation & Directness
Cooperation Dimension of Conflict
Cooperative conflict takes both partner’s goals into account, whereas uncooperative conflict focuses on one person trying to win the argument.
Directness Dimension of Conflict
Direct conflict involves engaging in conflict and talking about the issues, whereas indirect conflict involves avoiding discussion of the conflict.
Competitive Fighting
Direct and uncooperative conflict style where a person tries to control the interaction so they have more power than their partner. Tactics include name calling, blaming, accusations, threats, sarcasm, etc. Win-lose situation (I win the argument, you lose).
Compromising
Direct and moderately cooperative conflict style that involves finding a fair, intermediate position that satisfies both partner’s needs. Usually involves giving up some things you want to get other things you want, part-win-part-lose.
Collaborating
Direct and cooperative conflict style that involves involves creative problem solving and finding new solutions that meet both parties’ needs. Win-win situation as both partner’s needs are satisfied. Tactics include: expressing agreement, making descriptive or disclosive statements, being supporting, accepting responsibility, brainstorming ideas, and soliciting partner opinions
Indirect Fighting
Indirect and uncooperative conflict style that involves using passive aggressive tactics (related to patterns of negative withdrawal) that express aggression/disagreement and can shut down discussions of the conflict issue. Tactics include: failure to validate partner’s concern, eye rolling, silent treatment, holding a grudge, etc.
Avoiding
An indirect conflict style that is neither cooperative or uncooperative where people refrain from arguing and refuse to confront their partners in a meaningful way. Tactics include: denying conflict, being evasive, changing the topic, joking, or acting like they don’t care.
Yielding
An indirect and cooperative conflict style that involves one partner giving into and accommodating the other partner; foregoing one’s own desires for their partner’s. This style does not escalate conflict but it does gloss over differences, downplays disagreements, and trivializes conflict.
Chilling Effect
When a less powerful person stays silent on an issue because of the possible negative consequences associated with speaking up (aggression or abandonment).
What are the four conflict patterns?
Negative Reciprocity, Demand-Withdraw, The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, and Accommodation
Negative Reciprocity
This principle states that aggression or negative expressions beget more of the same; Once one partner uses competitive or indirect fighting, the other person is more likely to follow suit.
Positive Reciprocity
A pattern where both partners engage in cooperative or immediate behavior.
Flaming
Hostile expressions of emotions online through means such as swearing, insulting, and name-calling.
Gunnysacking
Occurs when people store up old grievances and then dump them on their partner during a conflict.
Kitchen sinking
When people rehash old arguments when they get into a new argument so that there are too many issues to deal with at once.
Magic Ratio
Happy couples tend to engage in about 5 positive behaviors for every 1 negative behavior; 5:1
Demand-Withdraw
A persistent pattern that occurs when one person in a relationship want to talk about problems or issues (less powerful partner) and the other person usually want to avoid talking about those issues (more powerful partner)
Example: wife is upset by mess, husband doesn’t mind it and does not want to change the status quo.
Punctuation
When both partners think their negative communication is caused by the other person’s behavior. Example: I act demanding because you withdraw, I withdraw because you act demanding)
What are the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse?
Criticism, defensiveness, contempt, & stonewalling
Criticism
Criticisms is a personal attack that blame someone else for a problem;
Example: “I can’t believe how much space you take in the closet. You are so inconsiderate and rude!”
The antidote → Complaints which focus on a specific behavior without blame
Example: “I think it’s important that we divide the closet space evenly. I don’t like my clothes all scrunched together”
Contempt
Contempt includes communicating an air of superiority that is often the byproduct of long-standing problems in a relationship.
Example: “I need some damp help! All you do is sit there on your butt watching TV while I fix dinner and tend to the kids. I worked just as hard, actually harder than you did today. You are just lazy and self absorbed!”
Antidote → Showing Respect; put self in partner’s shoes.
Example: “I know you’re tired after working all day and your job is really important. But I’m tired too and I would appreciate it if you could help with dinner so we can both relax after”
Defensiveness
Defensiveness includes communication designed to defend oneself against attacks by deflecting blame to someone or something else; “its not me, its you”
Did you call grandma?
Example: “You knew I was busy today, why didn’t you?”
Antidote → Accepting Responsibility
Example: “Opps. I did not. I was so busy today, sorry”
Stonewalling
Stonewalling usually occurs after a conflict pattern when communication seems futile & the withdrawing partner is anxious > emotional flooding (partner is overwhelmed/ surprised by partner’s behavior in conflict).
Example: “Just stop yelling and let me watch TV! I’m really not interested in anything you have to say..”
Antidote → Psychological Self-Soothing
Example: “Let’s take a break and calm down. In about half an hour, we can regroup and talk again when we’re both in a better frame of mind to try to work this out”
Accommodation
To recover from 4 horseman, people must engage in accommodation. Accommodation occurs when people are able to overcome the initial tendency to retaliate in response to negative behavior and instead engage in cooperative communication to maintain their relationship.
Attribution
A perceptual process of assigning reasons or causes to one’s own behavior or that of others.
Personal vs Situational (he acted that way because he has a rotten personality vs he acted that way because he had a bad day)
Stable vs Unstable (he is always like this vs this is out of character for him)
Global vs Specific (he is rude in every context vs he was rude in this one context)
Relationship-enhancing Attributions
Happy relationships tend to make relationship enhancing attributions by attributing negative behavior (whining/complaining/nagging) to causes that are external, unstable, and specific.
Distress-maintaining attributions
Unhappy relationships tend to make distress-maintaining attributions by attributing negative behavior to internal, stable, and global causes.
Argumentativeness
A communication style that focuses on logical argument and reasoning. People with argumentative styles confirm conflict directly by recognizing issues of disagreement, taking positions in controversial issues, backing up claims with evidence and reasoning, and refuting views contrary to their own.
Verbal Aggressiveness
A style that focuses on attacking the other person’s self concept, often with the intention of hurting the other person; tactics include: teasing, threatening, and criticizing the partner’s character or appearance.
What steps are necessary to be an effective listener?
- Put yourself in your partner’s place
- Don’t jump to conclusion
- Ask questions
- Paraphrase what your partner says
