Act 1 Scene 3

Question 1

Talking about who’s coming
Claire: why didn’t you listen?

Answer 1

Me: Ken, Myra and I are having trouble with her zipper.

Question 2

Ken: no you’re not

Answer 2

Me: I’m not?

Question 3

Ken: they know about it

Answer 3

Me: about Myra’s zipper?

Question 4

Lenny: we know that Myra’s not here. Ken told us.

Answer 4

Me: oh

Question 5

Claire: they’re stopping to look at our BMW

Answer 5

Me: did you tell them about Charlie cutting his ear shaving?

Question 6

Ken: they know everything. The gunshot the ear lobe the flushed Note down the toilet, everything.

Answer 6

Me: why didn’t you tell me you told them? They must think I’m an idiot.

Question 7

Lenny: How is Charlie

Answer 7

Me: he fell asleep. He’s hugging the pillow with his thumb in his mouth.

Question 8

Lenny: What his patients tell him. We’re not his patients. His patient is asleep sucking his thumb.

Answer 8

Me: I can’t believe I’m paying a babysitter for this night.

Question 9

Lenny: So what did we decide? Do we call the police or not?

Answer 9

Me: I say no. Cookie has her cooking show on television. Suppose she accidentally says something on the air?

Question 10

Ken: Claire Don’t open it till I get upstairs. If Charlie wakes up maybe I can get the story from him

Answer 10

Me: I took the Valium away from him. I put them in the medicine cabinet.

Question 11

Claire: cookie! Ernie! It’s so good to see you!

Answer 11

Me: oh god that is so funny Lenny. You should’ve been an actor I swear.

Question 12

Claire: everybody it’s Ernie and Cookie
Lenny: hi Ernie hi cookie

Answer 12

Me: hi Cookie hi Ernie

Question 13

Ernie: hello Chris hello Lenny

Answer 13

Me: So go on with the story. What do Mr. Gorbachev say?

Question 14

Ernie: sorry we’re late. Did we miss much?

Answer 14

Me: you have got to get Lenny to tell you the story about Mrs. Thatcher and the cat food.

Question 15

Cookie: I’m fine babe

Answer 15

Me: you and your back problems. It must be awful.

Question 16

Lenny: sure if you want I don’t care

Answer 16

Me: what about a drink everyone?
Ernie: I’ll have something
Me: what do you want 
… moo loo
Me: Mai Li. Here you go Ern.

Question 17

Ernie: you think I don’t notice everyone’s acting funny? Three people want to get me drinks. Chris wants me to hear this funny story. Lenny wants to get us all outside. Everyone’s creating a diversion. Why? I don’t know. Am I right?

Answer 17

Me: no wonder you’re such a high priced doctor. OK. Someone’s going to have to tell them.

Question 18

Lenny: Tell them what?

Answer 18

Me: about the surprise.

Question 19

Lenny: what surprise?

Answer 19

Me: the surprise about the party.

Question 20

Cookie: what surprise about the party?

Answer 20

Me: well I think it’s the cutest thing isn’t it Claire?

Question 21

Claire: oh God yes

Answer 21

Me: Tell them about it

Question 22

Cookie: I am sorry. I think I’m going to have to sit down.

Answer 22

Me: i’ll help you.

Question 23

Cookie: I’m fine pops so what’s the big surprise about?

Answer 23

Me: well Charlie and Mira decided because they were going to have their closest friends over to celebrate their 10th anniversary they weren’t going to have any servants.

Question 24

Cookie: uh-huh (1st)

Answer 24

Me: no Mai Li. No anybody

Question 25

Cookie: uh-huh (2nd)

Answer 25

Me: isn’t that terrific. No help. Just us.

Question 26

Cookie: Why is that terrific

Answer 26

Me: because! We’re all going to pitch in. Like in the old days. Before money. Before success. Like when we were all just starting out. Those were the best times in our lives don’t you think?

Question 27

Cookie: No I hated those times I love success

Answer 27

Me: but don’t you find these are greedier times. Lazier. More selfish. Nobody wants to work anymore.

Question 28

Cookie: you mean all of us cooking in the kitchen together

Answer 28

Me: everyone except Charlie and Mira. Claire and I told them to stay up there and relax. We’ll call them when we’re ready.

Question 29

Cookie: why are Ernie and I being attacked? We just walked in the door.

Answer 29

Me: please lower your voices. We’re going to spoil the surprise for Charlie and Myra.

Question 30

Ernie: Honey no one’s asking you to do that.

Answer 30

Me and clear: if she wants to do that let her. Sure. Why not? Fine with us.

Question 31

Ken: it’s fine. It’s OK. It’s all under control. Hi Ernie. Hi cookie. Oh Chris honey could I see you up here for a minute.

Answer 31

Me: would you all excuse me for a minute? I hate when this happens.