the Networker (Gottmans) Flashcards
John and Julia Gottman and their work
-Work as a team, John compiling 20 years+ research data and Julia, a practicing couples therapist.
What did Gottman believe the myths were
-Suppress Resentment
Quid Pro Quo
-Relationships are equal and you should feel like we are equal, truthfully people always feel like they are doing more in the relationship
Active Listening is not necessary
-The minute people get emotional, people often cannot do active listening
Spouse should meet your expectations
-There are always aspects in a relationship where you will not be meeting the expectations of others
Disagreements are bad
-Disagreements are necessary, it is how you handle them that shows the result
If “in love,” good communication will just happen
-This is not true, it is still something that needs to be worked on
what were some of the lessons from masters of relationships to the three phases of relationships
(research was accurate, predicted outcomes about what relationships will make it or not)
Three Phases (to most relationships)
1) Limerence
-Romantic period, everything is excited
2) Trust
3) Commitment
explain attunement
-A key factor is whether a member of a couple can process negative affect.
-Negative Comparison—the first step toward betrayal
-Trust—There must be High Trust, which means that one must have their partner’s needs at heart
explain negativity
-Negativity is compared to quicksand. It becomes pervasive. Partner becomes perceived as an enemy.
-If there is Negativity, that is the first order of clinical intervention.
what are the six styles that move a couple towards repair
-Self (understand yourself, needs, sensitivity…)
-Humor-shared
-Gentle Start-ups
-Accepting Influence (Men accepting female influence is important)
-Repair (antennae tuned)
-Compromise (or agree to disagree)
explain being “italian”
-Rather than turn away, we are always looking for bids to connect. Beyond conflict is longing.
how many levels of this kind of therapy are there
5
what are the 5 levels
Level 1
-Build Love Maps
-Going out
-Laughing about embarrassing moments
-Changes in beliefs (I have gotten to like that show you watch)
Level 2
-Sharing
-Fondness
-Admiration
Level 3
-Turning Toward
-Turn toward your loved one
-Turning away from people deemed bad for the romantic/loving relationship.
Level 4
-Positive Perspective
-Do you give your partner the benefit of a doubt?
Level 5
-Manage Conflict
-Start Up
-Accepting influence
-Empathy
-Ability to process bad incidents
what does accepting perceptual issues mean
-There will be some areas that you dislike about the other.
what did Victor Frankle mean by making Live dreams come true
-Frankle believed that each person has to make meaning of their life. To find meaning, and purpose, would enhance one’s life.
-What is the sense of meaning in your partner?
-How does one create shared meaning?
Gottman’s on assessment
Both Gottman’s believe strongly in a thorough assessment.
-What brings you here?
-First meet, oral history.
-Create a date—plan it in session
-Make each interested in noticing moments of: admiration or fondness
-Are the Four Horseman there? These are problematic
what are the four horseman
1) Contempt: any time you put yourself above the other, worst one, high likelihood of divorce
2) Stonewalling: incredibly damaging, people who do no act like they hear what the other said
3) Defensiveness: no matter what the person says, you quickly attack them or say that they do not understand
4) Criticize: not as ugly as contempt, you are finding consistent things about things the other person is doing that you do not find appealing
explain the ratio of good to bad
for one negative horseman, you have to have 5 positive interactions to counterbalance that
-Goes to show how damaging these things are
views on divorce?
-About 86% of people, when asked what they would prefer “in a perfect world” say they would rather have stability than move to divorce.
-The therapist must help make the path back.
