The Disagreeable Dinner

Question 1

(Sara, wearing a bathrobe, staggers in)

Answer 1

Good morning.

Question 2

And I wish it was night and I was still in bed because your– woke me up again last night, Tom. Boy, and I thought your snoring was hell on earth. Now you’re talking? What’s next? Sleepwalking?

Answer 2

I’m sorry, Sara. I’ve never talked in my sleep before.

Question 3

Actually, you weren’t talking. You were singing.

Answer 3

No way!

Question 4

Yes! At three A.M, you sang “I Will Survive;” of all songs.

Answer 4

Did I at least sing on key?

Question 5

Hardly.

Answer 5

Then that makes it worse.

Question 6

And that’s the third night in a row your, huh, “lilting
voice” woke me up. Jeez. Where’s Autotune when you need it?

Answer 6

Man, I don’t think I’ve talked in my sleep before, let alone sing. What’s going on?

Question 7

Ya know…it started the night we ate at that Mexican restaurant. It was on the Mexican holiday called Day of the
Dead when–Uh-oh.

Answer 7

What’s so “uh-oh” about the Day of the Dead?

Question 8

Remember what our waiter told us about that day? About how the souls of the dead return to earth?

Answer 8

So?

Question 9

So maybe that talking and singing voice that came out of you, wasn’t your voice. It was someone’s soul.

Answer 9

C’mon, honey! I got a soul singer inside me? I–
Actually, I’m thinking–maybe there was something in the f-
f-f-f-f-f-ood. Or…someone?

Question 10

What’s wrong?

Answer 10

How did it get so c-c-c-c-old in here? Excuse me. Whew.

Question 11

Are you all right?

Answer 11

I-I-I feel weird… bloated… gassy…

Question 12

What the hell…?

Answer 12

No, who the hell’s down there? Down me?

Question 13

You can throw your voice so it comes out of your butt? Talk about a marketable talent.

Answer 13

That wasn’t me talking. I swear.

Question 14

You’re serious.

Answer 14

I am. Who-who-said that?

Question 15

Put your hand in the air.

Answer 15

Now what?

Question 16

A ghost. Namely, me.

Answer 16

Then…you must be one tiny ghost.

Question 17

No need to height shame me. I am what I am.

Answer 17

Wait. You’re a real ghost? In me? In my butt?

Question 18

Of all places you could haunt, what’s a ghost doing inside there; haunting up my husband?

Answer 18

And who do we have the pleasure of talking to?

Question 19

My name’s Frank Lucallo. In my mortal life, I cooked for Consuelo.

Answer 19

Of Consuelo’s Restaurante?

Question 20

If you want to call it food. I was Consuelo’s secret lover until her husband caught us canoodling and jammed my face
into a pot of refried beans that was sitting on Table 8. He suffocated me but on the Day of the Dead, my soul rises from the bottom of that pot and settles in whoever eats the refried beans at Table 8.

Answer 20

So—so-so-so on that day, you went from being a human to–

Question 21

–being a ghostly presence every year. Yep. Since only you ate those beans at Table 8, you now have me at eight A.M. And my journey stopped at the end. Your end.

Answer 21

I’ve got a spirit in my sphincter? God, I’m beginning to think this isn’t my day.

Question 22

Scoot, ghost bro!

Answer 22

Ow! Don’t do that! I’m not into pain when I’m sober.

Question 23

I’m just trying to–Mr. Frank! You leave and find another butt to haunt!

Answer 23

Right now!!

Question 24

Tough tamales. I’m staying in your man’s can. And lower your voices. Show some respect for the dead–or else.

Answer 24

Yeah, Sara. Maybe we shouldn’t get a ghost all riled up, okay?

Question 25

Oh, but it’s okay if he gets us riled?

Answer 25

No it’s not….It’s–Now Frank. This is between you and Consuelo, right?

Question 26

This is Consuelo. May I help you? Hello? Hello?

Answer 26

Hable, Frank. Por favor? C’mon, ghost bro. Say something.

Question 27

Whoever this is, I’m not in the mood to talk to some ass.

Answer 27

Now what?!

Question 28

I don’t intend to. Until the next Day of the Dead, your brain dead man and I are going to be real close.

Answer 28

We’ll see about that!

Question 29

Nice try but this ghost is staying! Rent free!

Answer 29

That’s what you think. Don’t go anywhere.

Question 30

I’ll try not to. Hey. Can I get a TV and cable TV here? Maybe I get the Cine-ass channel.

Answer 30

Let the ass-orcism begin!

Question 31

We did it!

Answer 31

Whew. Am I going to give this a good review on Yelp!

Question 32

We evaporated him!

Answer 32

He’s ghost dust in the wind!

Question 33

Whew. Talk about food haunting you.

Answer 33

But never again! We have survived!

Question 34

You got that right.

Answer 34

Jeez. I’m going to be late for work. And I gotta think of some excuse for why I’m late ‘cause I don’t think what just happened is going to work.

Question 35

So you won’t have breakfast with me?

Answer 35

I ate already. Had a bowl of Frosted Flakes.

Question 36

I bet they tasted better than those refried beans.

Answer 36

Absolutely.

Question 37

Uh oh.

Answer 37

Yep. Looks like I have another excuse for being late for work.