Relationship Stresses & Strains Flashcards
1
Q
what are some common stresses and strains in relationships?
A
- hurt feelings, ostracism, jealousy, lying, betrayal
- forgiveness may come afterwards
2
Q
relational value
A
- Degree to which others consider their relationships with us to be valuable and important
- Painful when our relational value is lower than we like it to be
3
Q
degrees of acceptance
A
- maximal inclusion
- active inclusion
- passive inclusion
4
Q
degrees of acceptance: maximal inclusion
A
- Others seek us out and go out of their way to interact with us
- Rare
- Ex. If your friend is having a party and you can’t make it, they’ll change the date
5
Q
degrees of acceptance: active inclusion
A
- Others want us and welcome us, but don’t go to lengths to be with us
- Most likely to experience
- Ex. if your friend is having a party and you can’t make it, they’ll be sad, but the party will go on without you
6
Q
degrees of acceptance: passive inclusion
A
- Others allow us to be included
- Low priority
- Ex. you weren’t invited to the party, but you come as a plus-one with a friend who got invited
7
Q
4 degrees of rejection
A
- Ambivalence: others don’t care whether we’re included or not
- Ex. we show up at the party and they let us in, say hi, etc.
- Passive exclusion: others ignore us, but don’t avoid us
- Ex. we show up at the party and they let us in, but don’t really try to talk to us
- Active exclusion: intentional - avoid us, tolerating our presence only when necessary
- Ex. we show up at the party and they let us in, but try to avoid us
- Maximal exclusion: complete rejection - banish us and send us away
- Ex. we show up at the party and they won’t let us in
8
Q
hurt feelings
A
- Based on how accepted or rejected we feel by others (related to their evaluations of us)
- Individuals are sensitive to small changes in acceptance
- Feel better about ourselves as others move from ambivalence towards wanting us around
9
Q
hurt feelings: Leary et al study
A
- People talking on the phone with someone else, then given random scores that were supposed to represent the acceptance from the person they talked to
- Self-esteem increases sharply with increasing acceptance from others (plateau around 8/10 → just as good as a 9 or 10)
- Any rejection at all causes our self-esteem to bottom out (plateau around 3/10 → just as painful as a 1 or 2)
10
Q
relational devaluation
A
- Occurs when we encounter apparent decreases in others’ regard for us
- Causes hurt feelings (ex. Sadness, anger)
- Can be just as painful as physical pain (in fMRI, parts of brain that fire for physical pain also fire when they see pictures of exes; pain relievers like Tylenol and Advil reduce post-break-up pain)
- Mild rejection can feel as bad as more extreme rejections
11
Q
ostracism
A
- Someone is intentionally ignoring us
- Stressful, confusing, and we wonder why we’re being ignored → display physical signs of stress
- Threatens our need to belong → damages feelings of self-worth and reduces perceived self-control during interactions
12
Q
how does ostracism affect people differently?
A
- People with high self-esteem:
- Unlikely to put up with it
- End the relationship
- Experience less silent treatment
- People with low self-esteem:
- More likely to carry a grudge and ostracize others in return
- Stay in the relationship and be spiteful
- Experience more silent treatment
13
Q
what can we do about ostracism?
A
- Take it seriously (happens intentionally and unintentionally)
- Take the other person’s perspective (cause of ostracism = self-protection)
- Stand up (when you feel confident and calm, talk to the person
14
Q
what is jealousy?
A
- Confused state of hurt, anger, and fear that results from the threat of losing what we already have (a relationship that we don’t want to give up)
- Often confused with envy (when we wish we had what another person has; characterized by a humiliating longing for another person’s possessions)
15
Q
2 types of jealousy
A
- Reactive jealousy:
- When someone becomes aware of an actual threat to a valued relationship
- Can be past, present, or anticipated
- An actual, realistic danger
- Suspicious jealousy:
- When one’s partner hasn’t misbehaved, but you’re suspicious of them
- Suspicions are unfounded and do not fit the facts at hand
- Leads to behaviours like snooping, controlling, and manipulation
16
Q
what things don’t increase likelihood of being jealous?
A
- gender (men and women don’t differ in their jealous tendencies)
- agreeableness (being cooperative and trusting - less likely to be jealous)
17
Q
what factors make us more prone to jealousy?
A
- high dependence on a relationship: feeling like you need a partner because your alternatives are poor (ie. the person you’re dating is the only person you could ever be with)
- high feelings of inadequacy (worry that you don’t meet partner’s expectations)
- attachment styles: (insecure and preoccupied - seek closeness with partner, but worried that partner doesn’t love you enough)
- personality traits: people high in neuroticism (worry about things; more likely to be jealous)
18
Q
who gets us jealous?
A
- Rivalry from a friend (more upsetting than similar behaviour from a stranger)
- Our partner starts expressing renewed interest in their ex-partner
- Romantic rivals:
- Have high mate value (ie. wealth, talent, attractiveness) and make us look bad by comparison (ex. Men are jealous of other men who are self-confident)
- Overestimating the desirability of the competition → increased distress
19
Q
what can we do about jealousy?
A
- Recognize that you’re jealous → label/name it
- Have conversations about jealousy (people tend to avoid/suppress it because it feels taboo; society doesn’t tolerate it, but it’s a normal emotion we all experience)
- Learn from your jealousy → could be a wake up call for your relationship or a sign that something isn’t right
- Let it go and manage emotions healthfully
- Focus on your positive traits rather than continuing to focus on your weaknesses
20
Q
4 ways to manage jealous emotions healthfully
A
- Deep breathing
- New thoughts: “I don’t need this emotion”
- Practice mindfulness
- Journalling
21
Q
deception vs. lying
A
- Deception: intentional behaviour that creates an impression in the recipient that the deceiver knows to be untrue (ie. lying)
- Lying: people knowingly make statements that contradict the truth; example of a deceptive behaviour
22
Q
why do we lie?
A
- Lies are self-serving or benefit the liar
- Help us avoid embarrassment and guilt
- Due to obligation
- Seeking approval or material gain
- ¼ of lies are told to benefit others (ie. protecting their feelings, advance their interests → misrepresent the truth when brutal honesty would hurt the other person’s feelings)
- Lies that promote friendly and polite interactions are more acceptable
23
Q
how do we lie?
A
- Conceal info, divert attention, or tell half-truths
- On average, most of us tell one meaningful big lie each week (7% tell 3 big lies a day)
24
Q
who do we lie to?
A
- People we have intimate relationships with
- - 97% of respondents lied to their lovers in the last week
25
Q
Deceiver’s distrust
A
- When we lie to others, we begin to see the recipient of the lies as less honest and trustworthy
- Liars assume that other people are like them (feel better about themselves when we believe others also lie)
26
Q
can you tell if someone is lying?
A
- No clear-cut clues
- But, pay attention to:
- – Inconsistencies in what people say
- – Discrepancies between verbal and non-verbal behaviour
- 54% of time, we can tell truth from lies
- truth bias often gets in the way
27
Q
truth bias
A
Assume that partners are usually telling the truth → impedes our ability to figure out whether people are lying or telling the truth
28
Q
betrayal
A
- Disagreeable, hurtful actions by people we trust
- Don’t expect this to happen from people we know
- Any action that violates norms of kindness, trust, loyalty, respect, and trustworthiness
- Examples:
- Snubbing a friend when you’re with others you want to impress
- Gossiping about a friend behind their back
- Telling others info given to you in confidence
- Lied to a friend
29
Q
who is going to betray us?
A
- No differences between men and women (equally likely to do it)
- People who betray tend to be unhappy, maladjusted, vengeful, resentful, and suspicious of others
30
Q
what can we do about betrayal?
A
- Name your feelings and resist retaliating
- Take time away
- Examine the betrayal (what is deliberate? Carelessness? Talk to a 3rd party)
- Speak to the person who committed the betrayal (is it over, or can you move forward?)
31
Q
forgiveness
A
- Occurs when we give up our right to retaliate against, or hold in our “debt”, someone who has wronged us
- Forgiveness is granted by the person who has been wronged
- Can be carried out alone or with the offender
- Doesn’t meant that reconciliation could or should occur
- Offers person freedom from bitterness and resentment
32
Q
When is forgiveness more likely to happen?
A
- If the offender is genuinely apologetic and feels bad
- Identifies and understands the hurt caused
- If the victim is able to empathize with the offender
- Understand how guilty the person feels
- Cognitive shift: separate the offender from the offence
- If the victim can stop ruminating about the offense
33
Q
barriers to forgiveness for victims
A
- Overwhelming negative emotions (ie. disrespect, worthlessness)
- Fear that transgression will be repeated
- Fear of appearing weak
- Assumptions like “forgive and forget” → should instead be “forgive and hold that person accountable”
- “Victim” status confers certain benefits which would be lost if one forgives:
- Right to criticize, retaliate, seek compensation, and hold moral advantage over the perpetrator (ex. “I would never do that to you”)
34
Q
barriers to forgiveness for offender
A
- Continuing the offense, abuse, or injustice
- Lack of regret or remorse in the offender → absence of explicit acknowledgement of harm done
- Lack of an explicit or genuine apology
- Lack of restitution or restorative action → failure to live the apology or be accountable
35
Q
forgiveness resources
A
- Websites (ex. Forgiveness challenge, teaching you how to work through forgiveness)
- Psychoeducation books (ex. Book of Forgiving)
