Conflict Flashcards
1
Q
myths about conflict
A
- In a healthy relationship, couples never argue
- Jealousy is a sign of love - partners who aren’t jealous don’t care
- If the children don’t see it, it won’t impact them
- I am who I am, I can’t change the way I react when I’m angry/upset
- Conflict only becomes abusive if there’s physical violence
- Once you find the right person, you’ll be consistently happy and feel complete
2
Q
What is conflict?
A
Interpersonal conflict: occurs whenever one person’s motivates, goals, beliefs, opinions, or behaviour interfere with, or are incompatible with, those of another person
3
Q
Why can’t we escape conflict?
A
- Any two people will occasionally differ in their moods and preferences
- There are certain tensions that are a part of close relationships that will, sooner or later, always cause some strain (aka: opposing motivations; never completely satisfied because they contradict each other)
4
Q
examples of opposing motivations
A
- Personal autonomy and close connection: intimacy vs. freedom; independence vs. belonging
- Stability and change: novelty/excitement vs. familiarity
- Integration and separation: involvement with other people (ie. friends, family) vs. involvement with romantic partner
5
Q
how do we learn about conflict?
A
- Family members: directly or indirectly socialize us into constructive or destructive ways of handling conflict
- Romantic partners: success based on how we perceive and handle conflict
- Workplace/outside influences: can promote conflict management
6
Q
3 types of families with regards to conflict
A
- avoidant families
- collaborative families
- aggressive families
7
Q
avoidant families
A
- Conflict doesn’t exist and they don’t recognize it
- If there is a conflict, figure it out on your own
- Don’t tell anyone else if there is a struggle
- Don’t ever raise your voice
- Snide comments acceptable
- Sulking and silent treatment are necessary strategies
- Don’t express strong feelings
8
Q
collaborative families
A
- Have a family meeting or mealtime chat to discuss issues
- Deal with people directly
- Openly say what you’re feeling
- Regular interaction is important
- Dirty tricks and sulking not allowed
- Strong feelings seen as normal and are allowed
- Parents help resolve their children’s conflicts
9
Q
aggressive families
A
- Survival of the fittest describes the general climate of the family
- Be brutally honest regardless of the impact
- Show your emotions strongly even if that hurts someone
- Establish your position early
- Don’t back down - hold your ground no matter what
- You have to take it if someone attacks you
- People who don’t engage are weak
10
Q
7 thing that impact frequency of conflict
A
- Personality (high in neuroticism = more conflicts; high in agreeableness = fewer conflicts)
- Attachment style (secure attachment = few conflicts, manage conflict better; insecure people = more conflicts)
- Similarity (less similar = more conflict)
- Stage of life (older couples have less conflict than younger couples, maybe because younger couples are going through big transitions - ie. buying house, having kids)
- Stressors (more stress between partners = more conflict)
- Sleep (sleep poorly after a conflict, feel more grumpy and irritable, and could lead to more conflict)
- Alcohol (intoxication exacerbates conflict → fuel to a fire)
11
Q
top 5 topics of conflict
A
- Kids (for parents; ie. discipline)
- Chores (ie. who’s doing or not doing them)
- Communication (ie. misunderstandings, lack of communication)
- Leisure (ie. when you’re doing fun activities)
- Work (ie. how much time they spend at work)
12
Q
4 types of events that start/cause the most conflict
A
- criticism
- illegitimate demands
- rebuffs
- cumulative annoyances
13
Q
4 types of events that start/cause the most conflict: criticism
A
- Verbal or non-verbal acts that are judged to communicate unfair dissatisfaction with someone’s behaviour, attitude, or trait
- What matters: how the person interprets the action as being unjustly critical
14
Q
4 types of events that start/cause the most conflict: illegitimate demands
A
Requests that seem unjust because they exceed normal expectations that we have for one another (ex. Getting asked to cook and clean up every meal all week)
15
Q
4 types of events that start/cause the most conflict: rebuffs
A
- One person appeals to another for a desired reaction, and the other person fails to respond as expected
- Ex. someone rejecting a physical intimacy request; someone not responding to good news you share
16
Q
4 types of events that start/cause the most conflict: cumulative annoyances
A
- Trivial events that become irritating with repetition
- Aka: social allergies: Small, recurring nuisances gradually come to cause strong reactions of disgust and exasperation that’s out of proportion to the offense
- Ex. women annoyed with men who lack good manners, men annoyed with women for lack of consideration
17
Q
why is conflict such a problem?
A
- Conflict itself is not really the problem → it’s more about how we approach conflict
- Our approach can either make conflict a constructive process or a destructive process
18
Q
destructive conflict: direct vs. indirect tactics
A
- direct tactics:
- Accusations
- Hostile commands for compliance
- Antagonistic questions
- Surly or sarcastic put-downs
- indirect tactics:
- Condescension or implied negativity
- Whining or dejection
- Evasive remarks
- Change topics preemptively
19
Q
Gottman’s 4 horses of the apocalypse
A
- additional types of destructive conflict
- defensiveness
- criticism
- stonewalling
- contempt
20
Q
Gottman’s 4 horses of the apocalypse: defensiveness
A
- Used to protect oneself
- Pain/fear of taking personal responsibility or new information
- Wadding off an attack
21
Q
Gottman’s 4 horses of the apocalypse: criticism
A
- Attack character or personality (this is the first moment of conflict; sets the tone)
- Escalates quickly
- Women criticize more than men
22
Q
Gottman’s 4 horses of the apocalypse: stonewalling
A
- Not being present
- Verbal or non-verbal (ex. Refuse to engage, withdraw; glancing away, stiff posture, or frozen facial features)
- Hiding thoughts/feelings
- Majority of stonewallers are men; used because of partner’s hostility → want to avoid making things worse
23
Q
Gottman’s 4 horses of the apocalypse: contempt
A
- Verbal or non-verbal; putting oneself on a higher plane than one’s partner
- Include mockery, put-downs, hostile corrections, non-verbal expressions
24
Q
Finkel et al study: constructive conflict –> study basics
A
- Explored whether a 21-minute intervention to foster reappraisal of marital conflict could reduce declines in marital quality
- Participants were married couples who were randomly assigned to receive the intervention
Conflict reappraisal intervention: asked to respond to 3 writing prompts in order to help them create distance between conflict and themselves → changing how you think about conflict
– Try to look at conflict from a neutral, 3rd party perspective
– What obstacles do you face in doing this?
– How can you succeed at taking this perspective and use it to help you make the best of disagreements you have?
25
Q
Finkel et al study: constructive conflict –> selected results
A
- Those who had the intervention showed decreases in conflict-related anger and distress; positive effect on marital quality when compared to the control group
- Counteracted normative downward trend in marital quality over time
26
Q
constructive conflict strategies
A
- Work on communication skills in general (ie. strategies discussed in communication lecture)
- Compromise: both parties reduce their aspirations so that a mutually acceptable alternative can be reached
- Integrative agreements: both partner’s original goals and aspirations are met (using flexibility and creativity)
- Work on self-control
- Try the speaker-listener technique
27
Q
constructive conflict: self-control
A
- Don’t withdraw when your partner raises a concern
- Don’t become negative (restrain yourself from making sarcastic comments)
- Don’t get caught in a loop of negative affect reciprocity (provoking each other; taking breaks if you’re insulting each other)
28
Q
constructive conflict: speaker-listener technique
A
- Rules for both of you:
- The speaker has the floor
- Share the floor
- No problem-solving
- Speaker: speak for yourself using I statements; stop and let the listener paraphrase
- Listener: paraphrase what you hear; focus on the speaker’s message
