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FMST 314 > Conflict > Flashcards

Conflict Flashcards

1
Q

myths about conflict

A
  • In a healthy relationship, couples never argue
  • Jealousy is a sign of love - partners who aren’t jealous don’t care
  • If the children don’t see it, it won’t impact them
  • I am who I am, I can’t change the way I react when I’m angry/upset
  • Conflict only becomes abusive if there’s physical violence
  • Once you find the right person, you’ll be consistently happy and feel complete
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2
Q

What is conflict?

A

Interpersonal conflict: occurs whenever one person’s motivates, goals, beliefs, opinions, or behaviour interfere with, or are incompatible with, those of another person

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3
Q

Why can’t we escape conflict?

A
  • Any two people will occasionally differ in their moods and preferences
  • There are certain tensions that are a part of close relationships that will, sooner or later, always cause some strain (aka: opposing motivations; never completely satisfied because they contradict each other)
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4
Q

examples of opposing motivations

A
  • Personal autonomy and close connection: intimacy vs. freedom; independence vs. belonging
  • Stability and change: novelty/excitement vs. familiarity
  • Integration and separation: involvement with other people (ie. friends, family) vs. involvement with romantic partner
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5
Q

how do we learn about conflict?

A
  • Family members: directly or indirectly socialize us into constructive or destructive ways of handling conflict
  • Romantic partners: success based on how we perceive and handle conflict
  • Workplace/outside influences: can promote conflict management
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6
Q

3 types of families with regards to conflict

A
  • avoidant families
  • collaborative families
  • aggressive families
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7
Q

avoidant families

A
  • Conflict doesn’t exist and they don’t recognize it
  • If there is a conflict, figure it out on your own
  • Don’t tell anyone else if there is a struggle
  • Don’t ever raise your voice
  • Snide comments acceptable
  • Sulking and silent treatment are necessary strategies
  • Don’t express strong feelings
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8
Q

collaborative families

A
  • Have a family meeting or mealtime chat to discuss issues
  • Deal with people directly
  • Openly say what you’re feeling
  • Regular interaction is important
  • Dirty tricks and sulking not allowed
  • Strong feelings seen as normal and are allowed
  • Parents help resolve their children’s conflicts
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9
Q

aggressive families

A
  • Survival of the fittest describes the general climate of the family
  • Be brutally honest regardless of the impact
  • Show your emotions strongly even if that hurts someone
  • Establish your position early
  • Don’t back down - hold your ground no matter what
  • You have to take it if someone attacks you
  • People who don’t engage are weak
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10
Q

7 thing that impact frequency of conflict

A
  • Personality (high in neuroticism = more conflicts; high in agreeableness = fewer conflicts)
  • Attachment style (secure attachment = few conflicts, manage conflict better; insecure people = more conflicts)
  • Similarity (less similar = more conflict)
  • Stage of life (older couples have less conflict than younger couples, maybe because younger couples are going through big transitions - ie. buying house, having kids)
  • Stressors (more stress between partners = more conflict)
  • Sleep (sleep poorly after a conflict, feel more grumpy and irritable, and could lead to more conflict)
  • Alcohol (intoxication exacerbates conflict → fuel to a fire)
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11
Q

top 5 topics of conflict

A
  • Kids (for parents; ie. discipline)
  • Chores (ie. who’s doing or not doing them)
  • Communication (ie. misunderstandings, lack of communication)
  • Leisure (ie. when you’re doing fun activities)
  • Work (ie. how much time they spend at work)
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12
Q

4 types of events that start/cause the most conflict

A
  • criticism
  • illegitimate demands
  • rebuffs
  • cumulative annoyances
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13
Q

4 types of events that start/cause the most conflict: criticism

A
  • Verbal or non-verbal acts that are judged to communicate unfair dissatisfaction with someone’s behaviour, attitude, or trait
  • What matters: how the person interprets the action as being unjustly critical
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14
Q

4 types of events that start/cause the most conflict: illegitimate demands

A

Requests that seem unjust because they exceed normal expectations that we have for one another (ex. Getting asked to cook and clean up every meal all week)

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15
Q

4 types of events that start/cause the most conflict: rebuffs

A
  • One person appeals to another for a desired reaction, and the other person fails to respond as expected
  • Ex. someone rejecting a physical intimacy request; someone not responding to good news you share
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16
Q

4 types of events that start/cause the most conflict: cumulative annoyances

A
  • Trivial events that become irritating with repetition
  • Aka: social allergies: Small, recurring nuisances gradually come to cause strong reactions of disgust and exasperation that’s out of proportion to the offense
  • Ex. women annoyed with men who lack good manners, men annoyed with women for lack of consideration
17
Q

why is conflict such a problem?

A
  • Conflict itself is not really the problem → it’s more about how we approach conflict
  • Our approach can either make conflict a constructive process or a destructive process
18
Q

destructive conflict: direct vs. indirect tactics

A
  • direct tactics:
    • Accusations
    • Hostile commands for compliance
    • Antagonistic questions
    • Surly or sarcastic put-downs
  • indirect tactics:
    • Condescension or implied negativity
    • Whining or dejection
    • Evasive remarks
    • Change topics preemptively
19
Q

Gottman’s 4 horses of the apocalypse

A
  • additional types of destructive conflict
  • defensiveness
  • criticism
  • stonewalling
  • contempt
20
Q

Gottman’s 4 horses of the apocalypse: defensiveness

A
  • Used to protect oneself
  • Pain/fear of taking personal responsibility or new information
  • Wadding off an attack
21
Q

Gottman’s 4 horses of the apocalypse: criticism

A
  • Attack character or personality (this is the first moment of conflict; sets the tone)
  • Escalates quickly
  • Women criticize more than men
22
Q

Gottman’s 4 horses of the apocalypse: stonewalling

A
  • Not being present
  • Verbal or non-verbal (ex. Refuse to engage, withdraw; glancing away, stiff posture, or frozen facial features)
  • Hiding thoughts/feelings
  • Majority of stonewallers are men; used because of partner’s hostility → want to avoid making things worse
23
Q

Gottman’s 4 horses of the apocalypse: contempt

A
  • Verbal or non-verbal; putting oneself on a higher plane than one’s partner
  • Include mockery, put-downs, hostile corrections, non-verbal expressions
24
Q

Finkel et al study: constructive conflict –> study basics

A
  • Explored whether a 21-minute intervention to foster reappraisal of marital conflict could reduce declines in marital quality
  • Participants were married couples who were randomly assigned to receive the intervention
    Conflict reappraisal intervention: asked to respond to 3 writing prompts in order to help them create distance between conflict and themselves → changing how you think about conflict
    – Try to look at conflict from a neutral, 3rd party perspective
    – What obstacles do you face in doing this?
    – How can you succeed at taking this perspective and use it to help you make the best of disagreements you have?
25
Q

Finkel et al study: constructive conflict –> selected results

A
  • Those who had the intervention showed decreases in conflict-related anger and distress; positive effect on marital quality when compared to the control group
    • Counteracted normative downward trend in marital quality over time
26
Q

constructive conflict strategies

A
  • Work on communication skills in general (ie. strategies discussed in communication lecture)
  • Compromise: both parties reduce their aspirations so that a mutually acceptable alternative can be reached
  • Integrative agreements: both partner’s original goals and aspirations are met (using flexibility and creativity)
  • Work on self-control
  • Try the speaker-listener technique
27
Q

constructive conflict: self-control

A
  • Don’t withdraw when your partner raises a concern
  • Don’t become negative (restrain yourself from making sarcastic comments)
  • Don’t get caught in a loop of negative affect reciprocity (provoking each other; taking breaks if you’re insulting each other)
28
Q

constructive conflict: speaker-listener technique

A
  • Rules for both of you:
    • The speaker has the floor
    • Share the floor
    • No problem-solving
    • Speaker: speak for yourself using I statements; stop and let the listener paraphrase
    • Listener: paraphrase what you hear; focus on the speaker’s message

FMST 314 (11 decks)

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