Relationship Repair & Maintenance Flashcards
relationship maintenance
- Strategic actions people take to sustain their relationships
- Commitment plays an important role
- More committed and happy, more likely to use maintenance strategies
- Committed partners behave and think differently than less committed partners
cognitive maintenance
- When in a committed relationship, we think differently –> change in self-identification and a change in our mindset
- types of cognitive maintenance:
- cognitive interdependence
- positive illusions
- perceived superiority
- inattention to alternatives
- derogation of tempting alternatives
cognitive maintenance: cognitive interdependence
- Committed partners think of themselves not as separate individuals, but as a couple
- Words like “we”, “us”, and “ours” replace “I”, “me”, and “mine” –> “Me” becomes “we”
cognitive maintenance: positive illusions
- Partners idealize one another, seeing them in the best possible light
- Ex. judging partner’s faults as trivial, relationship deficiencies as unimportant, and partner’s misbehaviour as unintentional and not the norm
cognitive maintenance: perceived superiority
- Type of positive illusion
- People consider their relationship to be better than most or special
cognitive maintenance: inattention to alternatives
- Committed partners pay less attention to potential partners that are available to them
- Appear uninterested and unaware of how well they could be doing in alternative relationships
cognitive maintenance: derogation of tempting alternatives
- When committed partners notice attractive rivals to their relationship
- Judge them as less desirable than the ones they already have
- Commitment leads people to disparage those who could lure them away from their current partner
types of behavioural maintenance
- willingness to sacrifice
- prayer
- Michelangelo phenomenon
- accommodation
- self-control
- play
- rituals
- forgiveness
types of behavioural maintenance: willingness to sacrifice
- Committed people often make various personal sacrifices
- Do things they would prefer not to do or not do things they would like to do
- Be mindful to balance how much you sacrifice
- This promotes the well-being of the partners and their relationship
types of behavioural maintenance: prayer
- Those who pray for the well-being of their partners become more satisfied with the sacrifices they make and are more forgiving too
- Those who pray for their partners are more satisfied, more committed to the relationship
- Opposite effect when you pray for your own needs/desires
types of behavioural maintenance: Michelangelo phenomenon
- Committed lovers also promote their partner’s growth
- Help them become the people they want to be by supporting their development of desired new skills or goals
- Endorsing their acceptance of promising new roles and responsible responsibilities
types of behavioural maintenance: accomodation
committed partners tend to swallow minor mistreatment from their partners (ie. bad mood, thoughtlessness) → refrain from retaliation and instead respond constructively
types of behavioural maintenance: self-control
our abilities to withstand temptation, manage or impulses, and do the right thing; the more self-control each partner has, the smoother and more satisfying their relationship can be
types of behavioural maintenance: play
- committed partners find ways to have new, challenging, exciting, and pleasant activities together; “couples who play together stay together”
- Ex. board game nights with friends/family, going downtown for dinner, concerts
types of behavioural maintenance: rituals
- committed partners develop familiar routines that become traditions (symbolize and reinforce the partner’s identity as a couple; if they were gone, you’d miss them)
- More small, private customs and comfortable habits couples share (ie. kissing goodnight, watching shows together; they are more intimate and satisfied in the relationship)
types of behavioural maintenance: forgiveness
Committed partners offer forgiveness after a betrayal more readily than less committed partners do; forgiveness benefits both the relationship and the partner who wronged you (less stressful to forgive an intimate partner than to hold a grudge)
George Blair-West’s 3 Lifehacks for Preventing Divorce
- Get married later (allows more time for tertiary education, income, brain development)
- Share power for big decisions (be influenceable)
- Be reliable - should be able to rely on your partner
specific maintenance strategies
- Happy partners are more likely to do the following strategies:
- positivity
- assurances
- sharing tasks
- openness
- advice
- social network
- Not 1-time things → important to do them repeatedly as they’re shown to maintain a certain level of satisfaction
specific maintenance strategies: positivity, assurances, sharing tasks
- Positivity: being polite, kind, cheerful, upbeat (ex. Asking how their day went)
- Assurances: announcing their love, commitment, and regard for each other (ie. expressing your commitment to our partner)
- Sharing tasks: partners do their share of household chores and spend time together (ie. Am I doing my fair share of the work?); more effective if based on abilities rather than gender roles
specific maintenance strategies: openness, advice, social network
- Openness: share their thoughts and feelings with one another (ie. discuss the quality of relationship together)
- Advice: give them your opinion on things going on in their life
- Social network: willing to do things with their friends
when do we need couples therapy?
- Trust has been broken
- Arguments are getting more frequent with no resolution (conflict becomes dysfunctional and/or destructive)
- Poor communication (feel misunderstood or ignored)
- Something has happened that changed the way you connect (ie. miscarriage, debt)
- Stuck in negative patterns
- Emotional intimacy is gone/diminished (“the spark” is gone)
- Physical intimacy is a problem (moves from frequent to none)
