Part 3: How to Win People to Your Way of Thinking? Flashcards
How to get the best out of an argument?
Principle 1: The only way to get the best of an argument is to avoid it.
Avoid arguments like you would rattlesnakes or earthquakes. Most of the time, they’ll just make someone feel embarrassed, uncomfortable, or hurt their pride and make them feel inferior to you.
There once was a truck salesman friend of Dale Carnegie. He wouldn’t sell many trucks because he would argue a lot with customers who would complain or make remarks about the trucks he would sell. After Dale advised him to stop arguing, the salesman became one of the best salesmen his company had ever seen. If someone said something like “I don’t want a white truck! I’m going to go buy _______ truck from (random company)!” The truck salesman could agree with the salesman that the competitor’s truck was indeed a good truck, and speak of its quality. THEN, he would go back and speak about the quality of the white truck he was trying to sell.
A misunderstanding is never ended by an argument but by tact, diplomacy, conciliation and a sympathetic desire to see the other person’s viewpoint.
If someone tries to argue with you and brings up a point you haven’t thought of, show them appreciation of that point and talk on that.
Don’t trust your first instinct when you feel an argument coming up. Sometimes we react harshly when we feel we have to defend ourselves or a certain point. Sometimes it brings out the worst in us.
Control your temper.
Listen First. Give them a chance to talk and try to find understandings.
Look for areas of agreement.
Apologize for mistakes or errors you’ve made while arguing. Pride aside.
Promise to think over your opponents’ ideas and study them carefully, and mean it. Your opponent could be right, and it’s better you check it out and learn then them say “I tried to tell you, but you wouldn’t listen”.
Thank your opponents for their interest in what you were discussing and them wanting to improve upon what you believe.
Perhaps postpone a debate/argument for a day so that you both can get your head clear and gather facts together. Gives you both more time to think through each other’s points and whether the argument is worth your friend’s pride or not. What might you lose if you win the argument?
How to make enemies and how to avoid it?
Principle 2: Show respect for the other person’s opinions. Never say “you’re wrong”.
Telling someone they’re wrong is a direct blow at their intelligence, pride and self-respect. It doesn’t make them want to agree with you, but strike back.
If you are going to prove anything, try not to let anyone know about it. Do it subtly and adroitly so that no one knows you’re doing it.
Alexander Pope – “Men must be taught as if you taught them not, And things unknown proposed as things forgot”
If a person makes a statement you KNOW is wrong, try saying something like “Well, now, look, I thought otherwise, but I may be wrong. I frequently am. And if I am wrong, I want to be put right. Let’s examine the facts”
Using the term “I may be wrong. Let’s examine the facts” or something like it can do wonders.
Respect other’s opinions and treat them courteously
You will avoid trouble by admitting you may be wrong. That will stop all argument and inspire your opponent to be just as fair and open-minded as you are to the fact that he himself, could be wrong too.
Don’t tell anyone they’re wrong about something. Use diplomacy to make your point.
How to handle a situation when you are wrong?
Principle 3: If you are wrong, admit it quickly and emphatically.
Be humble by saying derogatory things about yourself you know the other person wants to say or intends to say – chances are they will then have a forgiving attitude towards you and minimize your mistakes in their minds.
There is a certain degree of satisfaction which can be found in admitting one’s errors. It takes the guilt and defensiveness out of the air, but also helps solve the problem created by the error.
How to start a confronting conversation?
Principle 4: Begin in a friendly way.
If your temper is aroused and you go off on someone and tell them a thing or two, you might feel good afterwards, but how does that person feel? Do they want to agree with your points after you embarrassed them and attacked their pride?
“If you come at me with your fists doubled, I think I can promise you that mine will double as fast as yours; but if you come to me and say ‘Let us sit down and take counsel together, and, if we differ from each other, understand why it is that we differ, just what the points at issue are,’ we will presently find that we are not so far apart after all, that the points on which we differ are few and the points on which we agree are many, and that if we only have the patience and the candor and the desire to get together, we will get together.” – Woodrow Wilson
“So with men, if you would win a man to your cause, first convince him that you are his sincere friend”
O.L. Straub, an engineer, needed to get his rent lowered or he wouldn’t be able to afford it. Instead of going in and trying to argue prices immediately or how ridiculously high the rent was, he discussed with the landlord how much he liked the apartments and how great of a job O.L. had done running the place. He then said he wanted to stay for another year but he simply couldn’t afford it. The landlord, as notoriously difficult to deal with as he was, actually went out of his way after to help O.L. achieve a lower and more affordable rent.
How to get people in your direction?
Principle 5: Get the other person saying “Yes, Yes” immediately.
In talking with people, don’t start by discussing things of which you differ in. Instead, talk about…and keep emphasizing on, the things you have in common.
Keep emphasizing, if possible, that you are both striving towards the same end and that your only difference is one of method and not of purpose. Try to keep your opponent saying “yes, yes” instead of “no”. Once in the “no” state, a person will try to remain consistent with that statement in order to keep up their pride.
The skillful speaker will at first, get a lot of “yes” responses. This sets the psychological process of the listeners moving in the affirmative direction.
Once in the “no” state, it takes a LOT of effort and wisdom to try and transform that bristling negative into an affirmative
Ask questions which your opponent is forced to agree with (yes!). Keep on winning one admission after another until you have an armful of yeses to build upon, making your opponent possibly want to conclude with your side being right instead of their own.
How to handle complaints?
Principle 6: Let the other person do a great deal of the talking
Most people trying to win others to their way of thinking do too much talking themselves.
Let the other person talk themselves out. They know a lot more about their business and problems than you do. So ask them questions and hear them out.
If you disagree with them, don’t interrupt. Let them finish. If you interrupt, they’ll still have a stream of ideas running through their heads.
Encourage them to express everything out.
(side tip) Almost every successful person likes to reminisce about his early struggles (remember that for interviews or building rapport)
“If you want to make enemies, excel your friends. If you want friends, let your friends excel you”. In other words, build your friends up. Listen to their accomplishments. Don’t boast about your own. Mention your achievements only when asked.
How to get cooperation?
Principle 7: Let the other person feel that the idea is his or hers
Most people prefer to feel that they are acting on their own ideas or buying on their own accord, not told or sold something.
Let the person feel an idea is his or hers
Ask for their ideas or advice about something
Why not condemning someone for being wrong?
Principle 8: Try honestly to see things from the other person’s point of view.
Remember to not condemn someone for being wrong, even if they are DEAD wrong. The wise try to understand why this person would say something like that.
Try to put yourself in that person’s shoes and try to figure out why they act how they do or why they would say something like they did.
Try to think through that person’s point of view and think why someone should want to adapt to your point of view, and also how they would like to hear what you are saying.
What do other people genuinely want from you?
Principle 9: Be sympathetic with the other person’s ideas and desires.
One phrase that eliminates ill will, creates good will, and gets people listening to you better: “I don’t blame you one iota for feeling as you do. If I were you I would undoubtedly feel just as you do.” You can say this phrase 100% honestly too, because if you truly WERE that person, with their mindset and feelings and background, you really WOULD feel that way. Now if you were YOU in THEIR body, you may obviously think differently.
Remember that no one typically deserves a lot of credit for being who they are. Their surroundings, upbringings, etc. help determine that.
Three-fourths of the people you meet want sympathy. Give it to them and they will love you.
Before you speak back to someone who has offended you or is debating you, remember to try and react differently than just anyone would. Respond how a wise person would react, not just any fool.
What kind of appeal does everybody like?
Principle 10: Appeal to the nobler motives
According to J. Pierpont Morgan, everybody usually has two reasons for doing anything: one that sounds good, and then their real reason.
The person may know the real reason, but you don’t need to emphasize that. Instead, try appealing to a nobler cause (something that sounds good to your opponent/customer/boss/etc). Show them good motives behind agreeing to what your trying to convince them.
Example: When John D. Rockefeller wanted newspaper photographers to stop taking pictures of his children, he appealed to nobler motives. He didn’t say “I don’t want these pictures taken”, but instead, said “You know how it is, boys. You’ve got children yourselves, some of you. And you know it’s not good for youngsters to get too much publicity.”
The movies do it. TV does it. Why don’t you do it?
Principle 11: Dramatize your ideas
Dramatization: The truth has to be vivid, interesting, dramatic… you have to use showmanship. Do this if you want attention.
This does not mean lying, but saying something that dramatizes the importance of something that you’re talking about or trying to convey.
What should you do when nothing else works?
Principle 12: Throw down a challenge
Stimulate competition, not in a sordid money-getting, but in the desire to excel.
People love the chance to express themselves, their worth, and to show their importance.
Examples of things to say to stimulate completion:
“I didn’t realize you were lazy/a coward/quitter/etc…”
“You’re right. You probably shouldn’t take that class. Only smart people can pass that class”
