Never Split The Difference Flashcards
What is mirroring?
-is essentially imitation
-can be done with speech patterns, body language, vocabulary, tempo, and tone of voice.
-it’s a sign that people are bonding, in sync, and establishing the kind of rapport that leads to trust
-repeat the last three words (or the critical one to three words) of what someone has just said.
-Mirroring is the art of insinuating similarity, which facilitates bonding. Use mirrors to encourage the other side to empathize and bond with you, keep people talking, buy your side time to regroup, and encourage your counterparts to reveal their strategy.
What is tactical empathy? (2 parts)
RP-VR
empathy is “the ability to recognize the perspective of a counterpart, and the vocalization of that recognition.”
-paying attn to another, asking what they are feeling, and making a commitment to understanding their world
What is labeling? (3 steps)
-spot their feelings, turn them into words, and then very calmly and respectfully repeat their emotions back to them
-1st step is detecting other’s emotional state
-way of validating s/o’s emotion by acknowledging it. Give someone’s emotion a name and you show you identify with how that person feels
-a shortcut to intimacy
-has a special advantage when your counterpart is tense. Exposing negative thoughts to daylight—“It looks like you don’t want to go back to jail”—makes them seem less frightening.
It seems like, it sounds like, it looks like…
What is an accusation audit?
-List the worst things that the other party could say about you and say them before the other person can.
-Performing an accusation audit in advance prepares you to head off negative dynamics before they take root. And because these accusations often sound exaggerated when said aloud, speaking them will encourage the other person to claim that quite the opposite is true
-used to disarm your counterpart
EMAIL MAGIC: HOW NEVER TO BE IGNORED AGAIN
You provoke a “No” with this one-sentence email. Have you given up on this project?
Forcing someone into a No
-s/t the only way to get your counterpart to listen and engage with you is by forcing them into a “No.”
-That means intentionally mislabeling one of their emotions or desires or asking a ridiculous question–like, “It seems like you want this project to fail”–that can only be answered negatively.
the BCSM model (5 steps)
AL - E - R - I - BC
-Behavioral Change Stairway Model (BCSM)
-five stages–active listening, empathy, rapport, influence, and behavioral change–that take any negotiator from listening to influencing behavior.
-If you take s/o up the BCS, each stage engendering more trust and connection, there will be a breakthrough moment when you can begin exerting influence.
What is summarizing?
good summary is the combination of rearticulating the
meaning of what is said + the acknowledgment of the emotions underlying that meaning (paraphrasing + labeling = summary).
Goal is to give a summary that TRIGGERS A “THAT’S RIGHT!”
Triggering a That’s right
-Use a summary to trigger a “that’s right.”
-good summary is a label combined with paraphrasing. Identify, rearticulate, and emotionally affirm “the world according to . . .” (1,849)
2 responses to “fair” in negotiation
-the best response is to take a deep breath and restrain your desire to concede. Then say, “Okay, I apologize. Let’s stop everything and go back to where I started treating you unfairly and we’ll fix it.”
-in the second use, your counterpart will basically accuse you of being dense or dishonest by saying, “We’ve given you a fair offer.” It’s a terrible little jab meant to distract your attention and manipulate you into giving in–> the best reaction is to simply mirror the “F” that has just been lobbed at you. “Fair?” you’d respond, pausing to let the word’s power do to them as it was intended to do to you. Follow that with a label: “It seems like you’re ready to provide the evidence that supports that,” which alludes to opening their books or otherwise handing over information that will either contradict their claim to fairness or give you more data to work with than you had previously. Right away, you declaw the attack.
The right use of fair in negotiation
The last use of the F-word is my favorite because it’s positive and constructive. It sets the stage for honest and empathetic negotiation. Here’s how I use it: Early on in a negotiation, I say, “I want you to feel like you are being treated fairly at all times. So please stop me at any time if you feel I’m being unfair, and we’ll address it.” (2,041)
To get leverage (6 steps)
To get real leverage, you have to persuade them that they have something concrete to lose if the deal falls through.
1. ANCHOR THEIR EMOTIONS- So start out with an accusation audit acknowledging all of their fears. By anchoring their emotions in preparation for a loss, you inflame the other side’s loss aversion so that they’ll jump at the chance to avoid it.
2. LET THE OTHER GUY GO FIRST . . . MOST OF THE TIME- That said, you’ve got to be careful when you let the other guy anchor. You have to prepare yourself psychically to withstand the first offer. If the other guy’s a pro, a shark, he’s going to go for an extreme anchor in order to bend your reality. (2,114)
3. ESTABLISH A RANGE- psychologists found that job applicants who named a range received significantly higher overall salaries than those who offered a number, especially if their range was a “bolstering range,” in which the low number in the range was what they actually wanted. Understand, if you offer a range (and it’s a good idea to do so) expect them to come in at the low end.
4. PIVOT TO NONMONETARY TERMS- After you’ve anchored them high, you can make your offer seem reasonable by offering things that aren’t important to you but could be important to them. Or if their offer is low you could ask for things that matter more to you than them.
5. WHEN YOU DO TALK NUMBERS, USE ODD ONES- anything you throw out that sounds less rounded– “say, $37,263”–feels like a figure that you came to as a result of thoughtful calculation. Such numbers feel serious and permanent to your counterpart, so use them to fortify your offers.
6. SURPRISE WITH A GIFT- Unexpected conciliatory gestures like this are hugely effective because they introduce a dynamic called reciprocity; the other party feels the need to answer your generosity in kind. They will suddenly come up on their offer, or they’ll look to repay your kindness in the future. People feel obliged to repay debts of kindness.
Calibrated questions
-START with what and how
-avoid closed-ended Qs and avoid verbs or words like “can,” “is,” “are,” “do,” or “does.”
-best to start with “what,” “how,” and sometimes “why.” Nothing else. “Who,” “when,” and “where” will often just get your counterpart to share a fact without thinking.
-implication of any well-designed calibrated Q is that you want what the other guy wants but need his intelligence to overcome the problem.
Some other good calibrated questions (7)
Here are some other great standbys that I use in almost every negotiation, depending on the situation:
What about this is important to you?
How can I help to make this better for us?
How would you like me to proceed?
What is it that brought us into this situation?
How can we solve this problem?
What’s the objective? / What are we trying to accomplish here?
How am I supposed to do that?
when to use why
-The only time you can use “why” successfully is when the defensiveness that is created supports the change you are trying to get them to see. “Why would you ever change from the way you’ve always done things and try my approach?” is an example. “Why would your company ever change from your long-standing vendor and choose our company?” is another. As always, tone of voice, respectful and deferential, is critical.
-Otherwise, “why” is like a burner on a hot stove— don’t touch it.
