Module 4--John Gottman and the Four Horsemen Flashcards
What are the 4 Horsemen of the Apocalypse
Criticism, Defensiveness, Stonewalling and Contempt
An attack on your partner at the core of their character. In effect, you are dismantling their whole being.
Criticism
Typically a response to criticsm.
Defensiveness
When we feel unjustly accused we fish for excuses so that our partner will back off. Our excuse tell our parner that we don’t take their concerns seriously.
Defensiveness.
What is criticism
Attack on their charter at the core.
What is defensiveness.
We make excuses for our partners concerns defending ourselves.
What is stonewalling.
Refusing to interact, simply stop responding. Turning out, turning away, acting busy.
What is contempt
Truly mean. Treating others with disrespect, ridicule, eye rolling, moral superiority.
What are the 5 elements of conflict?
- Expressed Struggle
- Interdependence
- Perceived scarce resources
- Perceived incompatible goals
- Interference
Name 2 spirals.
escalatory and avoidance
What are strategies to create a supportive rather than defensive climate?
- Describe rather than evaluate
- Problem solve not control
- Allow spontaneity not strategy
- Empathy over Neutrality
- Equality over Superiority
- Provisions rather than Certainty.
What kind of strategy is it when we say “I’m not comfortable with that idea. Lets keep talking” rather than “I’ll get back to you on that.”?
Spontaneity rather than strategy.
What am I doing here, “You really like the idea of going camping instead of kayaking. Are you open to some other options”? Rather than “You are closed minded on this”.
Describing over evaluating.
“I feel strongly about this. What is your experience?” rather than “You’ll see that I’m right when you have more experience.” is what kind of strategy?
Equality over superiority
Who came up with the 4 Horsemen of the Acocoplyse theory?
John Gottman
