Lesbian and Gay Families

Question 1

Diversity Among Lesbian & Gay Families

Answer 1

Incredible diversity:

• 1, 2, 3, even 4 parents
• Sometimes no men, sometimes no women
• Sometimes both but not romantic partners
• Sometimes biological parents are included, sometimes not
• Usually there is at least one parent who has no biological relationship to the child

Question 2

Differences From Heterosexual Families

Answer 2

• Almost always there is a parent-child relationship that the law does not allow or protect
• There is NO difference in the social and emotional health of children raised by fay and lesbian parents –> Might even have slightly more positive results from lesbian parents (Children demonstrate more empathy and flexibility)

Question 3

Stresses for Gay & Lesbian Families

Answer 3

• Every form they fill out for their child will ask for Mother’s name and Father’s name
• The family will forever be making decisions about how to identify themselves
• We lack institutionalized terms, labels, and norms for relationships involving lesbian and gay family members
• Legal threats: 1996 Defense of Marriage Act prevents the federal government from recognizing same-sex marriages performed anywhere
• Non-biological parents risk losing custody or even visitation rights

Question 4

Benefits of Openness

Answer 4

• Ideal position to receive support, services, and community
• Gives children the tools to approach their family’s difference in a positive way and cope with someone who is negative
• Creates authenticity and genuine intimacy with friends and extended family (No secrets)
• School and medical personnel understand the nature of the child’s experience

Question 5

Stresses of Openness

Answer 5

• Exposure to homophobic insults, loss of support from extended family, loss of jobs or housing, and even violence (depends on community in which one lives)
• Loss of custody or visitation with the child
• Anxiety around these possibilities

Question 6

Closeted Gay & Lesbian Families

Answer 6

• May look like heterosexual nuclear families
• Sometimes what looks like a single parent that has a committed life partnership hidden from everyone in their life, identified as a “friend” (Stress of denying so many personal needs and the child is deprived of another adult parent who could care for them openly)
• More commonly a parent’s partner may be visible, may live with the parent and share full time child care but is not identified as the partner or parent in the family system
• Child will not have tools to deal with homophobia beyond silence and avoidance

Question 7

Differences

Families in which LGBTQ have children in hetero marriage and later form stepfamilies with same sex partners

VS

Families part of the current “gayby boom” in which gays or lesbians choose parenthood through donor insemination, surrogacy, or adoption

Answer 7

• The former have disclosure issues WITHIN the family
• In general, the rule of thumb is that disclosure should not take place until custody arrangements are secure - then as soon as possible
• Many live in 2 worlds: their heterosexual FOO and the extended gay/lesbian support community

Question 8

Gay & Lesbian Couples

Answer 8

• Gay males have higher rates of non-monogamous behavior than lesbians or heterosexual couples (Related to gender socialization and tends to be agreed upon)
• Both, in comparison to heterosexual couples, follow more closely an ethic of equality in their partnerships and to relate to each other more as best friends
• Equal in terms of relationship satisfaction but same sex marriages may not last as long
• Issues much the same around communication, differentiation, and intimacy
• Lack of sex is a common presenting problem among lesbian couples (Due to equal status??)
• May do better at conflict resolution because they come at from more equal positions

Question 9

LGBTQ Parenting

Answer 9

• Evidence of “de-gendered” parenting = equally involved parents. Same sex parents are more likely to divide the breadwinning, household chores, and childrearing responsibilities in the family
• No one wants to be “the wife”
• May help FOO become more accepting (Worries of never having grandchildren are eased)
• May develop more of a community with heterosexual parents

Question 10

Dealing with FOO

Answer 10

• Families vary tremendously in terms of acceptance
• Siblings may know first and have “burden of knowing”
• Some couples remain in “don’t ask, don’t tell” arrangement with conservative families having the partner referred to as a “friend”
• After initial difficulties, many family members become supportive over time (PFLAG is a good resource; siblings may experience some benign neglect as parents struggle to come to terms with child’s homosexuality)

Question 11

Racial, Ethnic, Cultural Diversity, Prevailing Social Climate

Answer 11

• Often a minority within a minority
• Can be considered a “white person’s problem” and denied as a problem or seen as “sinful” by conservative religious groups
• Ethnic minority gays and lesbians report they face racism within the gay community
• Minority youth will feel rejected if they do not fit into any of their three cultural communities (majority, minority, gay and lesbian)
• Alternatively, strong support from one’s family or finding alternative “family” may offset homophobia in the wider culture
• More resources in urban than rural or smaller communities
• Obviously some parts of the country are more accepting than others

Question 12

Prevailing Cultural Climate

Answer 12

• More openness: 50% increase in self-identified same sex couples
• Younger generation of LGBTQ has a much greater expectation of equality of treatment
• 53% of the American public thinks it should be legal for gay and lesbians to marry and 2/3 of people younger than 40 are in favor
• “Gay” still remains the most popular epitaph among boys and men (Adolescent boys are the most likely to hide that they have gay parents)