Fighting my trauma

Question 1

Robert

Answer 1

Is 𝐓 to me. He’s my trusted family member. I should treat him that way.
I trust him.
He’s got to be the one person I can trust.

𝐓 is a gentle and caring person, unconditionally loving and dedicated to me. I am the Love of his life. And he is the Love of mine.
This 𝐓 that I can trust is the only 𝐓 that exists. I’ve been wary and distrustful of a man who doesn’t exist.
Like a pattern I’ve kept getting triggered over a version of ‘love’ and ‘want’ that has never existed in him / he has never talked about — this irrational fear path in my head.

I have chosen this unknown road with him. I know as long as I’m with him, I’ll be okay. :’) I decided to trust him in an unconditional way. That’s the only way to stay sane and not feel scared on this road. I know if I Iet him close to me, he could just be there for me better.
And my fear would be conquered.

I’ve got to trust 𝐓. ♥️♥️♥️

Question 2

The trauma

Answer 2

Is a hoax. The 27th was a misunders-
tanding. The trauma is just my brain’s shitty associations because of the pain
I went through.

My trauma manipulates facts. The fear is irrational.

“Heh. I can’t believe…you believe in a trauma. When you know what a trauma is & how it works. It’s beneath you. We’re above this.”
“I have decided to never listen to my trauma again.”

Don’t believe in it!! You know, I really want to change those beliefs. 😩

I need to face it.

Question 3

The truth, the reality is

Answer 3

—everything is okay.

…I’m in my head too much…..

I already know the truth about everything. I just can’t look at it directly. It’s in the blindspot.
I have to focus on the blindspot.
The only thing I need to focus on is what’s real.

Question 4

The one and only way this fear will be conquered
once and for all

Answer 4

Trusting 𝐓 unconditionally

Question 5

The next time I feel fear

Answer 5

“I don’t mind.”
“You believe in your fear but it’s not real.”

I will remember the truth. I will remember these flashcards. I know what to believe in.
I know what matters to me. I know that Robert is my trusted family member. And if I trust him, I won’t be afraid anymore. Whenever I’ve trusted him, I’ve felt so loved and safe. And that’s what matters to me.

𝐓 is my trusted family member and I should treat him that way.

Question 6

The next time I get triggered

Answer 6

I will fight it.
Fight this. Fight.
Choose my Warrior. My Magician. My Lover. My King. Anyone. I got this. ❤️
“I don’t mind. I have decided to never listen to my trauma again.”
I know it’s BS. I know the truth.
I know what to believe in now.
I know…Robert is actually by my side. ❤️
I’m just triggered.

Question 7

When I don’t understand something

Answer 7

It’s okay. I don’t mind.
I know I have nothing to worry about.
Don’t overthink it. I have decided to never listen to my trauma again.
I’ll only focus on what makes me feel safe (only focus on what is real).

It’s safe. I’m safe. ❤️
I trust myself &
I trust 𝐓 unconditionally. ❤️
Don’t worry about it. ❤️
I’ll understand it soon. ❤️
I promise it’s not scary. ❤️
𝐓, the person I decided to trust, promises it’s not scary. ❤️

Don’t overthink. There’s no reason to get triggered over this. The strong bad associations aren’t true & the fear is irrational. FIGHT YOUR TRIGGER.
Believe. ❤️💗❤️💗❤️

Question 8

I trust 𝐓 unconditionally.
It means I trust him even when …

Answer 8

1. I feel hurt. Hurt by him / by what he said / what happened.
2. I feel scared. Scared by what he said / by what he did. I feel nervous / insecure about something.

Literally any fear. Any trigger.
Any bad association.
I trust that 𝐓 is a person who unconditionally always loves me.
Cares about me. Cares about my every thought, every feeling, every concern, every need. First and foremost. ❤️❤️❤️ I’m safe with him. And losing him by him giving up is not an option. 💗
He’s always by my side. He’s always connected to me. ❤️
❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️💗💗💗💗💗💗💗
He is my loving, trusted family member, and I should treat him that way.
I should trust him unconditionally when it counts, and conquer my fear.
Believe ❤️

Question 9

“You’re my most…

Answer 9

“You’re my most loving and loyal family member. I’m sorry for not believing in you sooner.
I want to become better.
I want to change.
For you. For me. For us.
I just want to be a family with you ❤️
I’m so sorry for ever being scared of you. I’m so sorry for ever believing in fear over your love for me, 𝐓.”

He stayed and he held me and he said that I have to toughen up. That he’s by my side, and I must trust him and fight this together with him, hand in hand. Together. ❤️

Question 10

Explain how trauma / triggers work

Answer 10

…

Question 11

When I don’t understand something 𝐓 is talking about

Answer 11

I can know with certainty and security inside myself, whatever he said, it’s safe.
Anything to do with 𝐓 — is safe.
Anything he could say — is safe.
Especially especially something about intimacy or ‘want’ or the question of him being by my side / our relationship (three things I’ve gotten most triggered about) — is safe. ❤️❤️❤️

It’s 𝐓. It’s 𝐓.
I can trust him. I know I’m safe with him.
Anything he could say to me is safe and never the scary second way in my head. He never talks about that.
He never talks about that.

We both just Love and Care about each other. I can tell him I don’t understand this rn and I’m not ready to hear this rn and he’ll be really caring and understanding about it. ❤️

It’s 𝐓. I gotta trust him.
I gotta trust we’re okay and I have nothing to worry about with him.
I know that when I’m with him, I’m safe.
I gotta only focus on what is real.
That’s the only way to stay sane on this Everything Is Going To Be Okay road. ❤️

Question 12

The pattern to my healing
❤️💗❤️

Answer 12

I focus on Love and more Love comes to me. Then I have powerful experiences of Love, and powerful associations are created. And they will be more powerful than Fear. And the Fear breaks loose.

I’ve seen it when Robert held me caringly and how Loved and safe I felt then was more important to me than the Fear I had felt, being triggered.

And that’s how the rest of this will go.

Question 13

Andreas’s moment of strength

Answer 13

My Father held me.
Everything is okay. Everything is okay. I’ll never have to hurt that way again. It’s over. The past is over. My pain has ended. I’ll never be hurt again. I can let go. I can let go. It’s okay. I’m safe. There’s nothing to be afraid of anymore.

I saw the one holding me tightly was Andreas.
In that moment he held me and he gave me his strength so I could move on from the pain he caused me.
“Please…just move on with your life, Lilith. Please forget what happened. Robert is important to you. Not me.”

He said I’m safe. He pet my head. I’m safe. I’m never going to get hurt with him again. I’ll never suffer again. I don’t have to be afraid. What happened — happened once in the past — it’s never going to happen again.

He pet my head and said I was safe, that I could move on from it. He said Robert is a good person, and he really loves me, and I love him a lot. He’s really important to me. So I should stop being afraid (of Andreas) and be with him.

After I had shared my experience, T looked at me with emotion and care. He said… “That was a really powerful experience.” And it seems like the Universe’s, or my inner message to me.

He was there, he held me, he listened and he really really cared. With him I felt like I really mattered. We talked about everything and it really helped me to connect to the fact that…it’s over. It’s never going to happen again. I’m never going to get hurt that way ever again. I’m never going to get hurt with Andreas — I don’t have to be afraid of him. And I don’t have to keep my pain. I’ve really felt…less afraid of Andreas. I even stopped feeling he’s my enemy… I’ve felt more peaceful…
And… I’ve been seeing less Andreas, and less Riho in Robert. I’m safe with him. And today…I saw that better.
I’m safe with him… I’m never going to get hurt with him…

Question 14

I don’t have any enemies

Answer 14

…

Question 15

27th September

Answer 15

27th September 2021 was a misunderstanding and confusion about facts, and about Robert. It was a misunderstanding and trauma, and me believing I can’t trust him. When I was just worried if he cared about me, and my trauma is that he didn’t hold me…

27th September was my misunder-
standing and trigger. I’ve been wary and distrustful of a man who never existed.

And it can never happen again.

I’m safe with 𝐓. I’m never going to get hurt with him. 27th was a misunderstanding and trauma.
And it can never happen again.

The sexual trauma is just a hoax. The trauma is just that he didn’t hold me. I just want to feel Loved and be held by him. I just want to feel safe and Loved.

Question 16

I’m never going to get hurt again / There is just 𝐓

Answer 16

I am safe. I’m never going to suffer that way again. I’m never going to get hurt that way ever again.
Like my dad hurt me. Like I got hurt with Andreas, and the guys in the past. Like we got hurt on 27th September.

I’m never going to get hurt again.
I’m safe with him. I’m safe with him.
There is no Riho. There is no Andreas. There’s only 𝐓.

I saw that. I saw that better today. How there is just irrational fear I have to face.

It’s over… It’s over… Everything is okay.
I’m forever safe. ❤️

Riho doesn’t matter… Andreas doesn’t matter… Mario doesn’t matter… Chris doesn’t matter…
Robert is the only one for me, who is important to me. Robert is the man I Love, know, trust and feel safe with.

There is just 𝐓.

I will be brave
I will not let anything take away
What’s standing in front of me
Every breath, every hour has come to this

One step closer…

I have died everyday waiting for you
Darling, don’t be afraid, I have Loved you for a thousand years
I’ll Love you for a thousand more

Question 17

I choose this unknown road with 𝐓

Answer 17

𝐓 is the true, unconditionally loving family I never had before and I always wanted.

…I choose him. I choose 𝐓.
I choose my True Love that was meant for me. :’)

I don’t know this road… I have never known anything like it before… It’s a step into the unknown. But that’s what I want. :’) That’s what I choose. :’)

I always wanted to know him. :’)
I choose 𝐓 and his Love for me, even though I don’t fully understand it yet. I choose this unknown road with him on. :’) I know if I’m with him I’ll be okay. :’) I want to have a better life, with him. :’)

Holding on till the fear, it goes…

Question 18

“If this is anything to do with 𝐓 / If it’s about 𝐓…

Answer 18

“Then I’m definitely safe.”

Question 19

The next time I get triggered because of a kiss …

Answer 19

I initiated out my Love, my Desire, my choice, to a man I Love, I trust—
I trust myself implicitly. I trust myself fully. I trust myself completely.
I believe I am safe with 𝐓. And I believe it’s safe to kiss him.
This fear is irrational. I need to face this irrational fear.
27th September doesn’t have to hold me back anymore.

Question 20

I’m forever safe, because …

Answer 20

…

Question 21

‘Expressing love’

Answer 21

𝐓 said if our roles were reversed, and he had trauma, “I know you love me, and want to express your love for me. But I know if I did anything now I would only hurt myself, and you would rather die than hurt me. So I would say no no matter what.”

“You called it ‘expressing love’?” He nodded. I gingerly touched his thigh, then his chest. “It means if I love you and wanted to touch you here, or kiss you here… It would be expressing love?” — “Yeah.” — “It means that you love me and you want to touch me like this—?” I gently touched my cheek. “Yeah.”

Question 22

The best 27th perspective

Answer 22

It’s over. And it doesn’t matter anymore. It doesn’t hurt us anymore.
And we’re free to love each other. Like we want to.

We’re not the same people anymore. The truth is everything is different now.

The biggest takeaway from the roleplay that we both felt was that gosh we’re so different now. And gosh we could never do it again, with our experience and who we are now.

The second best perspective is that It made us better. It made us closer. Stronger. More caring & more loving. Wiser as people.
And now it can give us life and meaning.

Question 23

The biggest takeaway from the 27th September roleplay

Answer 23

Gosh we’re so different now. And gosh we could never do it again, with our experience and who we are now.

We really aren’t the people from 2021. The truth is everything is different. And 27th September doesn’t hold us back from acting on our feelings now.

2023 Robert and I are new people. And 2023 Robert is someone I love, trust and I would be with.

Question 24

My trigger about 27th was wrong

Answer 24

His mistakes were that he didn’t know. And I didn’t know either.

And I got hurt. But… My trigger about 27th was wrong. And whatever fear I have about it is irrational, and not what I believe, and not what’s important to me, and not what I want.

27th was a human moment in my life. All my past experiences were. But I am hurt and afraid and disturbed irrationally because of my trauma.
Those moments were… calm. Human. And ultimately what I knew then & know better now.

I don’t have to be hurt and I have nothing to be afraid of anymore.

Question 25

I will stop listening to my trauma or its definitions.

Answer 25

I have to figure out what things mean to me. And no one, no song can tell that for me. And I shouldn’t let my trauma tell me what something means for me.

So if I’m ever not understanding what Robert is saying and it’s not right for me to hear, I will stop him and he would understand.
And if I get triggered, I won’t try to understand what he said or listen to what my trauma is saying, I will listen and choose what things, what a kiss means to me.

That’s the only way I can be free.

Question 26

The perspective that would free me from my trauma

Answer 26

27th September was just a very bad trigger and misunderstanding. And I’ve felt irrational fear since.

What happened wasn’t that bad. What happened was understandable and forgivable. And it’s over.

I’m safe. We’re different people.
I can trust myself and I can trust him.
I do. I Love 2023 Robert.

And I am free to do what I want, and call things for what they mean to me, and not let trauma tell me what things mean to me again.

Question 27

‘Boyfriend’ (‘Girlfriend’)

Answer 27

Someone who really cares about me, and who is really there for me. Someone I’m safe with. Someone I’m close to. Someone I trust.
A very close family member.

Question 28

Our misunderstanding

Answer 28

We both know in our Hearts we feel the same way about everything. We know in our Hearts our fears are bullshit. But we have this misunderstanding and trauma between us.

Just how to explain that? How to talk about that?

We both feel fear and uncertainty about what we don’t understand / know about the other, though we both know we feel the same way about everything, and each other. We Love each other.

Question 29

I think if I understood everything, I wouldn’t be scared

Answer 29

I think if I understood everything, understood how he literally Loves and cares about me so much, and understood him, I wouldn’t be scared

Question 30

The only sane perspective

Answer 30

Trusting 𝐓

Question 31

There is no bad ‘sex’ or bad ‘requirement’ with 𝐓

Answer 31

I’m the only one who has two ways of thinking about love and care vs ‘sex’ and ‘requirement’.

𝐓 never talks about what I’m afraid of.
If it’s something 𝐓 said, then it’s definitely not that.

Question 32

What would entering into a relationship with 𝐓 mean?

Answer 32

We would just be us. ❤️❤️ The way we are now.
We would only be closer and more secure as a family.
It’s a matter of if I trust 𝐓 enough to recognize as my boyfriend, or is a label still too much for me / I’m worried what it entails.

It entails nothing.
“Nothing happens in relationships” is true. 𝐓 doesn’t have ‘requirements’. He literally only needed to know if I have feelings for him / would want to be close to him, because he literally didn’t even know how I felt, because I haven’t been open to him anymore. He wanted me to talk to him, to let him in.

We’re just two gentle and caring people, who really care about each other. We care about the other’s every feeling, every thought and every experience. And we are about how something would affect each other. We would never hurt each other.

If we were together, we would be a family about this. We would talk about everything. We would connect and be honest and gentle with each other. We would decide what’s right for us, together. We would decide if there are things we want together or is it still scary / too much.
If we even build up to that.
We would be there for each other. ❤️
Literally everything would be okay, safe, loving, emotionally connected, spiritual, cared about and understood. ❤️❤️❤️

And the answer to my question Can we go as slowly as I need to or want to? — Is Yes. We’ve talked about it. That would be very very realistic.