EXAM 3 Conflict

Question 1

conflict defined

Answer 1

an expressed struggle between at least two interdependent parties who perceive incompatible goals, scarce resources, and interference from others in achieving their goals

Question 2

4 levels of conflict

Answer 2

1) specific concrete behaviors(running late)
2) relational rules and norms
3) personality traits
4) metaconflict (conflict about how we conflict)

Question 3

Gottman

Answer 3

• 94% accuracy which newlywed couples will remain married and with will divorce in 6 years
• the coding system focusses on the positive or negative nature of what the spouses recall and how they refer to their partner

Question 4

number 1 predictor of divorce is the…

Answer 4

• avoidance of conflict
• stems from contempt
• we avoid conflict because we fear it causes divorce

Question 5

4 Horsemen

Answer 5

Certain kinds of negativity, if allowed to run rampant, are so lethal to a relationship that we call them the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse

• criticism
• contempt
• defensivness
• stonewalling

Question 6

contempt

Answer 6

• Treating others with disrespect and mocking them with sarcasm
• hostile humor, name-calling, mimicking, and body language such as eye-rolling and sneering
• fueled by long-simmering negative thoughts about one’s partner

Question 7

criticism

Answer 7

• seek an explanation for their negative feelings and, over time, people can develop a negative habit of mind to search for why they feel so bad
• It makes the victim feel assaulted, rejected, and hurt
• “I’m tired of picking all of your clothes! Your messiness is exasperating”

Question 8

flooding

Answer 8

• men are particularly are sensitive to this
• think only in terms of defense and attack
• no longer look for responses that will restore the situation

Question 9

defensivness

Answer 9

• the fight option in “fight or flight”
• shouting
• feels unjustly accused
• not taking responsibility for part of the problem

Question 10

stonewalling

Answer 10

• a masculine specialty (85% men)
• upsetting to women
• foreshadows the final stage of a relationship
• total emotional withdraw from the situation
• heart rate of above 100 beats a minute

Question 11

criticism anecdote

Answer 11

• use soft set up
• talk to partner while starting the sentence with “I”
• if I talk about what I feel, then no-one can argue with me
• expose vulnerability in myself
• this candor will make the other person cooperate

Question 12

Gottmans coding system

Answer 12

focuses on the positive or negative nature of what the spouses recall and how they refer to their partner

Question 13

what gottman looks for when predicting the future

Answer 13

• 4 horsemen

- repair attempts

Question 14

the dreams within the conflict

Answer 14

• understanding the underlying purpose or dream behind the conflict
• the speaker voices what they want when that person argues
• ex: honor and having a place of order

Question 15

contempt anecdote

Answer 15

• build a culture of appreciation and positive qualities

- start gratitude journal

Question 16

defensivness anecdote

Answer 16

• be accepting of partners perspective

- take responsibility

Question 17

stonewalling anecdote

Answer 17

• phycological self soothing
• take a deep breath
• stepping away from the situation

Question 18

6 things Gottman looks for in 15 minutes that predict divorce

Answer 18

1) Harsh setup
2) Four Horsemen
3) flooding
4) body language
5) failed repair attempts
6) bad memories

Question 19

kitchensinking/ gunny sacking

Answer 19

• putting everything into the fight
• throw a bunch of arguments into one fight
• “storing up” grievances acquired in the course of a relationship, rather than resolve them when they first occurred

Question 20

Harsh setup

Answer 20

• When a discussion leads off with criticism and/or sarcasm

- women initiate 80% of conflict

Question 21

Flooding

Answer 21

-when negative is so overwhelming, and so sudden, that it leaves you shell-shocked

Question 22

body language

Answer 22

• heart rate 100 beats a minute
• hormonal changes
• burst of adrenaline
• brain is less rational

Question 23

failed repair attempts

Answer 23

• efforts the couple makes to deescalate the tension during a discussion
• failure of these attempts is an accurate marker for an unhappy future

Question 24

bad memories

Answer 24

• when couples look back at their relationship and only see the bad things
• When they talk about the tough times they’ve had, they glorify the struggles