Crucial Confrontations Flashcards
On-the Spot creativity calls for an enormous amount of ________. pg. 171
flexibility
As new problems emerge, you must be ________ and ________. pg. 172
flexible and focused
What two things do you have to decide when a new problem emerged in a crucial confrontation? pg. 172
- Do you step away from the current problem (bookmark) and address the new problem.
- Do we stay the course?
If a new problem is more serious, time-sensitive, or emotional than the original one, or ________________, you have to deal with it on the spot.
is important to the other person
As a new problem emerges, the author suggest to do the following in order to be flexible
- Note new problems
- Select the right problem:the original , the new one or both
- Resolve the new problem and return to the original issue.
As a new problem emerges, the author suggest to do the following in order to be focused:
- Deal with problems one at a time.
- Consciously choose to deal with new issues, don’t allow them to be forced upon you.
What are the four different emergent problems? pg. 174
1.Loss of safety.
2. Loss of Trust.
3. Completely different issue becomes the problem
4.Explosive emotions take over
What is the most common emergent problem? pg174
People feel unsafe. Fear and the resulting silence or violence.
How to deal with the Most Common Emergent (Loss of Safety/Peple Fear and result in silence or violence? pg. 174
You step out, create safety, and step back in. To restore, point to your shared purpose. You use contrasting to clarify the misunderstanding. You apologize when necessary
It will be a _____ and not a policy that will enable people to solve their pressing problems
Skill set.
Pg 12
Two questions you have to answer before you open your mouth ?
What? And if?
First what ________should you actually address?
Violation or violations.
Second, you have to decide ____ you’re going to say anything.
If.
The question of ______ you should discuss may be the most important concept in the book
What
If the solution you’re applying doesn’t get you the results you really want, it’s likely you’re
Dealing with the wrong problem entirely.
Pg 29
When people repeatedly make the same mistake, those who are best at identifying and then _____ problems redefine each problem with each new infraction.
Identifying and then confronting problems.
Learning how to get at the gist of an infraction requires ______ and ______
Time and practice
Pg 31
The ability to reduce an infraction to its bare essence takes patience. First you have to take time to ______ the problem. Second, while sorting through the issues you have to decide what’s bothering you ______. And third, you have to be _____.
Unbundle; the most; concise.
If you can’t reduce the violation to a clear sentence BEFORE you talk, the issue will almost never become more _____ and _____ as a conversation unfold.
Understandable and focused.
3 Helpful tools to get you in the right confrontation ?
Content
Pattern
Relationship CPR
The first time a problem comes up, talk about the _____. What just happened.
Content.
The _____ typically deals with a single event- the here and now.
Content
Pg 32
The next time the problem occurs, talk ____ what has happened over time.
Pattern
______ issues acknowledge that problems have histories and histories make a difference.
Pattern.
Frequent and continued violations effect the other persons predictability and eventually harm ______ and _____.
Respect and trust.
As the problem continues, talk about ______, what’s happening to us.
Relationship.
______ concerns are far bigger than either content or pattern.
Relationship
If your real concern is around the relationship and you discuss only pattern of behavior, you’re likely to find yourself feeling dissatisfied about the _____.
outcome.
To consider the various kinds of content pattern and relationship issues that routinely pop up during crucial confrontations, consider?
Consequences
Intents
Wants.
Problems are all most never contained in the behavior of the offender. They’re most likely to be contained in _______.
What happens afterward.
Pg 34
The problem lies in the ______.
Consequences.
Analyzing the _____ helps you determine what is most important to discuss.
Consequences.
What came before the person acted?
Intentions.
The best tool for choosing from the host of possible problems is to ask ____?
What you really want and don’t want?
Yourself, for the other person, and for the relationship.
When it’s clearly a broken promise, they represent clear opportunity to have a _____.
Crucial confrontation.
To answer the all important IF question. Divide the challenge into two groups: first, how do you know if your not speaking up when you should? Second,
How do you know if you’re speaking up when you shouldn’t??
Not speaking when you should. Going to ______, a prominent issue in these situations.
Silence.
If you don’t talk it out, you’ll act it when you’ve gone silent your feeling come out in ________, biting _____, cutting humor and other surprising sequesters.
Body language, sarcasm .
Sometimes you don’t speak your mind because you feel______.
Isolated.
Peer pressure coupled with _____ authority can compel people to act against their best judgement.
Formal authority.
Pg 43
If social pressure can cause people to lie, it can certainly drive people to ____. Be careful of a nagging conscience, it may be indicating a confrontation you may need to step up to.
Silence.
Two favorite methods for tricking ourselves into remaining silent are 1. Downplaying the cost of not speaking and 2.
Exaggerating the cost of expressing our views.
Perhaps the largest error we make in exaggerating the cost of confronting an issue stems from the erroneous belief that the existing world always punishes people who are naive enough to _____.
Speak their minds.
At the heart of most decisions to stay quiet is ________
We won’t be able to make a difference.
Sometimes erratic approaches to accountability stem from the fact that leaders take the path of _________..
Least resistance.
The climate isn’t set in the first 30 seconds; it just becomes ______ in that time frame.
Visible.
We established the _____the moment we assume that the other person is guilty and begins feeling angry and morally superior.
Climate
The chief error we make is a simple one. We assume people do what they do because of ______
Personality factors Mostly motivational alone.
When we face high stakes problems we’re just as likely to come up with an _____ and act on it as if it were _____.
Unflattering story;true.
Behind every national disaster , family break down etc you find the same root cause. People are staring into the face of a ______ and they’re not sure ______.
Crucial confrontation; what to say.
This part they do know. First, they need to talk _____about an extremely important issue. Second, if they fail to resolve the issue, simple problems will grow into _____.
Face to face; chronic problems.
Vital smarts case studies show that after teaching crucial confrontations skills to employees at telecom company’s. An increase of _____% in the use of the skills corresponded with over ___% improvement in productivity.
18;40
Most of the time human beings employ what is known as the ____rather than the ______ view of others.
Dispositional; situational
Pg 60
In truth people often enact behaviors they take no joy in because if social ____, lack of other ___, and any of a variety of forces thet have nothing to do with personal _____.
Social pressure, lack of other options, personal pleasure.
When you see a violation but move to silence rather than deal with it 3 bad things happen??
- We give tacit approval to the action
- Others may think you’re playing favoritism.
- Each time the other person repeats the offense, in particular of your failure to confront it, you see the new offense as evidence that your story about their motives was correct.
Pg 62.
When people gain success through abuse, they succeed in _______, not because of it.
In spite of their method.
Effective problem solvers observe and then tell (ask) themselves ________
Why would a reasonable, rational and decent person do that?
____ forces place such an important role in every aspect of our lives that any reasonable model of influence must include them.
Social forces
Understanding the influence of _____is the prerequisite to effective problem solving.
Influence of others
Best problem solvers move from thinking to talking and do the following to create safety.
- They begin well
- They know how to prioritize competing demands and how to discipline when necessary
- They also know how to help others deal with ability barriers by jointly exploring solutions
- They know how to deal with unexpected problems or emotions that may come up during a crucial confrontation
Most people despise the three common indirect techniques
Sandwiching
Surprise attack
Unadulterated entrapment.
To ensure you set the right tone during the first few seconds of a crucial confrontation, don’t ______
Shoot from the hip.
Here’s how to describe the gap:
Start with safety
Share your path
End with a question.
People feel unsafe if they believe one of two things : 1. You don’t respect them as a ____
2. You don’t care about their ____.
Human being (you lack mutual respect)
Goals (you lack mutual purpose.)
Pg 91
People assess their risk on the basis of two factors :
- Are bad things _____ happening to them?
- Are bad things ______ to happen to them?
Currently ; about
As you first describe the gap, if your tone of voice, facial expression, or words show disrespect, bad things _______ to the other person.
Bad things are currently happening
Sometimes thinking good thoughts is not enough. Use _____ as a preemptive tool to stopping disrespect in its tracks.
Contrasting.
Motivation is boring. Motivation is about _________,_________and ______.
Expectations, information and communication.
Since any action yields a combination of results, some good and some bad, it’s the expected sum total of the _____ that drives behavior.
Consequence bundle.
In short, as a new and emergent problem surfaces do the following.
- Be flexible
- Be focused.
This is the most common emergent problem
People feel unsafe
This is probably the most dangerous new problem, and the number one killer of accountability and the chief reason most people can’t have a crucial confrontation without breaking out in hives.
People violate your trust.
Sometimes the thing that comes up will effect _____ and ____.
Motivation and ability
At the heart of every workable accountability system there is one simple sentence, “ if something comes up, let_______.
Me know as soon as you can
four power listening tools to help us recall and to power up our listening skills
AMPP
Ask
Mirror
Paraphrase
Prime.
Simply ____to get the conversation rolling ____ to encourage. ____ for understanding and ____ to make it safe for the other person to open up.
Ask; Mirror; Paraphrase; Prime
The key to making a complete and clear plan, free from assumptions and thus improving accountability, is to make sure to include four components:
Who
does What
by When
Follow-up
Pg 205
The two most common methods for checking on progress are:?
Scheduled and critical event follow up times.
Pg 208
The cost of force. Force ________ relationships. Force motivates ______, and Force doesnt______.
Kills: resistance; last
Pg 122-124
If you can create enough safety, you can talk about just about anything with anyone–even a defensive boss. You note a problem; Step out of the conversation; and:
Restore mutual respect and mutual purpose.
Pg 98
If you continually use special perks to encourage people to do what should be a routine part of their jobs, in effect perfuming the consequence bundle, you could be undermining or even destroying _____
Satisfaction that comes from doing the job.
Pg 125
Perhaps the largest avoidable cost in every organization is the loss of _____ that comes every-time someone abuses his or her power.
Of energy.
Pg 124
In the authoritarian (power based) style produces the highest results, but when the leader left the room, force yielded the lowest results. When people produce solely out of fear, once the fear is removed, so is the ____ to continue to follow orders.
Motivation
Pg 124
The common motivational errors are ?
Charisma, power (force), perks
Pgs 119-124
When they (perks) are applied to routine behavior, extrinsic rewards (perks) confuse _____. Special rewards should be reserved for _______.
Purpose; special performance.
Pgs 124-125
When you are needing to motivate people who may chose not to do the work?
Explore the Natural Consequences
Match methods to circumstances.
Know when to use discipline
Be candid about coping
Finish well
________ realize that when others face an ability block, you can either tell them outright or invite them to help come up with the Solution: would you like to help me ?
Resourceful problem solvers
Pg 154
Savvy problem solvers choose to work ______ ability blocks.
Jointly Through
Pg 154
If you involve others in solving problems two important things, First you get to ______. Second, they’re more likely to be ______ to implement it, and that’s important.
Hear their ideas; motivated to implement.
Pg 154-155
Involvement in problem solving ____ and _____.
Enables and motivates
Pg 154-155
People may not know exactly what to do but they probably have a good idea about _____.
What doesn’t work
Pg 154
Actually, they may know exactly what to do but need _____ and _____ to do it.
Materials and permission.
Pg 154
Accuracy x Commitment = _______
The _______ of a solution depends on the accuracy of the chosen tactic.
Effectiveness
Pg 155
It is equally important that the person implementing the tactic ____. That’s where the commitment comes into play
Believe in it.
Pg 155
Desiring to get out of hard and noxious work doesn’t reflect a character flaw; it’s what_____.
Smart people do.
Pg 152
To establish a climate in which crucial confrontations are
built on a bedrock of trust, stay focused. Set clear and firm
expectations. Stay flexible. End by stating ______
If something comes up, let me know as soon as you can.”
Pg 180
New emergent problem during confrontation
Pull out of the original problem, announce the change in topic, _____ the new problem, bring it to a satisfactory resolution, and then ____ whether you need to return to the original issue.
Confront, and then decide
Pg 182
If you’ve allowed a person to operate under the illusion of competency for quite some time, you really aren’t in a position to judge whether that person is truly incompetent. You’ve never held them accountable. Begin by
Having crucial confrontations about single areas that could use some improvement.
Pg 240
It’s hard to make it safe to talk about performance gaps when you have no relationship with the other person. Solution. Get to know people under _____, it matters a great deal
Less strained circumstances
Pg 249
Three separate studies conducted by the authors revealed that the single best predictor of satisfaction with supervision is _____?
Frequency of interaction
Pg 249
Develop more full relationships
