connection Flashcards
seven components of intimacy
- knowledge
- interdependence (strong influences on each other)
- caring
- trust
- responsiveness (support each others needs)
- mutuality (think as a couple instead of two separate people)
- commitment (not looking for someone else, work hard to make it work with partner)
all of these are not required- lead to most satisfying and meaningful relationships include all 7
importance of connection
- very social species
suffer when isolated from close contact with others - Shorten lifespan when loneliness
- Fail to thrive, when deprived of close contact with others
- Babies can give up the will to live
- need intimate the relationships
-being alone threatens our sense of connection to people
how did culture influence relationships
- fewer people marrying
-getting married at a later age 28-30 (live longer now)
-many live together and have babies when not yet married
-1/2 marriages end in a divorce
single- a lot of discrimination, but marriage is a choice, many have active social lives and supportive friends that fulfill their social desire, closer relationship to family and friends
trail run
- desirable to live together to test their compatility
- causes fewer people to get married
- longer they cohabit less enthusiastic about marriage
how times have changed
- economic influence’s
-technology
-sex ratio
- education and financial resources allow woman to be more independent and less likely to marry
-individualism- emphasis on personal fulfillment, cause people to be more materialistic and less considerate of others
- woman have more control over fertility (plan b, birth control etc.)
-sex ratio- cultures with high sex ratio (fewer woman) tend to support traditional roles for the genders,
how does our experiences influence our attachment style
- shaped by many influences
-attachment styles can be learned and developed over time by different experiences. ex. bad break up- more trust issues
-levels of expectance or rejection we receive from our parents are huge influences early on
—-secure parents raise secure children
—-not reliable raise insecure children- inconstant- child becomes nervous and clingy (preoccupied)
— child very independent- realize little good comes from others
(dismissive- avoidance)
— avoid intimacy- fear of rejection (fearful- avoidance) (bad relationship in the past- afraid to get hurt again)
what are the four attachment styles? and explain
secure
- happy and comfortable with intimacy
anxious/ambient (preoccupied)
-nervous and clingy
-care was inconstant and unpredictable
-unsure if parent would come back cause child to be nervous and clingy
- suspicious and withdrawn
- child learned that little good came from depending on others
-suspicious, not easily formed close relationships
fearful- avoid intimacy and fear of rejection (avoidance)
dismissing
- intimacy with others wasn’t worth the trouble (self sufficient- don’t care if others like them or not)
(avoidance)
four attachment styles
secure
- comfortable with intimacy and interdependence, optimistic and sociable
preoccupied
- uneasy and vigilant towards any threat to the relationship, needy and jealous
fearful
- fear of rejection and of mistrust of others, suspicious and shy
dismissing
-self- reliant and uninterested in intimacy
-indifferent and independent
influence of individual differences
sex and gender
sex differenece
-stereotype that woman and men communicate, feel, and respond differently
- research shows there are very few differences, they overlap throughly
the differences are within a given gender, large spectrum, how woman act vary significantly
gender difference
social and psychological distinction-
what is the interdependence
theory
evaluate the outcomes we receive with two criteria
- what we expect from a relationship
- how well we think we can do with other partners
what do we expect from our relationship? alternatives?
personal comparison level (CL)
- describes what we expect and feel we deserve
outcomes- CL = satisfaction or dissatisfaction
CL alt - describes the outcome we think we can get somewhere else
what does it mean to be androgynous
Androgynous - poses both sets of competencies that are stereotypically associated with being male and female. Comfortable in both domains
“Masculine” task oriented- assertive, self-reliant, ambitious (instrumental)
“Feminine” social and emotional skills- warmth, tenderness, sensitive, compassionate (expressive)
two androgynous people- happier, evenly split house roles understand each other better
influence on gender roles- are bad, teach men not to have emotion, less meanful relationships that way
need to look past gender- court hearings etc. more commonly given custody of child simply because woman ‘emotional” sterotypes
self esteem/ what measures our success in a relationship
- low self asteem
-wonder why their partner is with them
- feels they are not good enough for their partner
- put yourself in a bubble to brace for impact before you get hurt
sociometer- measures success in a relationship
what is the difference with paternal investment/ patronal uncertainty
androgynous and cisgender meaning?
cis gender- current identities with the sex we were assigned to at birth
androgynous
- comfortable with both competencies assigned with being female or male (gender stereotypes, comfortable with both)
happy or stable
happy if our expectations are exceted
stable if we don’t think we will find anything better
direct vs indirect rewards
direct- looks, money, gifts,
indirect- having something in common
- affection goals and desires
what is instrumentally
help us achieve our present goals, company is pleasurable, help with our need to belong
reasons for attraction
proximity
familiarity- repeated contact/ exposure
physical attractiveness
- like those who like us
- symmetrical face
physical attraction (beauty bias)
- think they have more positive traits when pretty
cost of beauty-
less trusting (worried about being used)
more sought out (less stable)
principle of matching- similar level of good looking
describe the four types of relationship s
on iPad
how non verbal communication effects relationship
provides information about others mood
regulating interaction
- if the conversation should continue
- wether or not the conversation should begin
define the relationship
- act different depending how close you feel with the other
balance theory
we like people who like us, do not like who does like us
- constancy and symmetry in relationship
who are we attracted too
- discovering dis similarities take time
- similar looks/ attitudes, interests and more
(what we think we have in common)
-
Psychological reactance-
- lose their freedom they strive to regain it
-want something more if they are more threatened with losing them
what are the gender role stereotypes? why are they doing a diservice?
masculine (instrumental- task oriented, assertive, self reliant)
feminine (social and emotional skills, warmth, tenderness, sensitive) expressive
androgynous- have both sets. of qualities associated being female/male
- depriving men of skills that would make them a more rewarding husband, taking away the ability to connect with others- want more sensitive, and understanding partners
- in courts stereotypically woman get custody of child because they supposed to be the “comforting, caring and nurturing one”
woman deprived more achievements “say not qualified”
- androgynous people get along better- able to both have those traits
main conduction for intimacy model
responsiveness
listen and fulfill your partners needs
which is more fullfilling exchange or communal relationships
exchange- immediate repayment for gifts given, keep track of others contributions
communal
- do each other favours without expecting explicit repayment
how does social exchange as time goes by
cl- personal comparison level
describes what we feel we deserve
take for granted, become less satisfying
based of past experiences, fluctuate with the outcomes we receive
why is it common for couples to feel decline to their relationship
Reasons why they decline
Lack of effort: people stop working as hard
Interdependency is a magnifying glass:
conflict is more consequential and annoyances more aggravating,
because of the close and frequent contact that comes with intimacy
Access to weaponry:
Know our weak points and areas of secrets, gives them more means to hurt us, even unintentionally, in ways that others cant
Unwelcome surprises: death in family, suprise kids etc.
Unrealistic expectations: do not assume that having kids will bring you closer together
why are most relationships communal vs exchange
Exchange relationships
people expect immediate repayment for benefits given
Partner are more content for when favors are repaid immediately and they keep track of each other contributions to the relationship
Communal relationships
Do favors without expecting repayment
do not keep track of others contributions
Do not want just an exchange, want it to be meaningful
how to find equality in a relationship
both gain benefits from the relationship, proportional to their contributions
you outcomes/ your contributions = partners
what happens when under benefited
- leave relationship
-convince themselves they are getting what they deserve - change partners contributions
how is genuine intimacy likely to develop?
- only certain conditions have been met
- appart intrest, respect
RESPONSIVENESS
- builds trust
-disclosures deepen
-intimacy increases
- partners tend to match others openness
what is the most taboo topic
- state of current relationship
- past relationships with others
what are gender differences in verbal communication
topics of conversation
-more inpersonal matters (sports, cars,etc.)
-studies show on text cannot identify gender (subtle differences)
styles of conversation
- less forcefully, less direct, less certain
why do couples hid information
-to protect themselves and their relationship with others
self disclosures
passing info on from yourself to someone else
what is the biggest misconception with gender differences and communication
intimacy levels of a person is tied to their expressiveness and does not matter gender
gender
more based on persoanlity and communicqation styles rather than a huge gender difference
what is a interpersonal gap
what we mean (intension) to communicate vs how our partner receives it
causes misunderstanding in those who hear what we say
happens more often with close relationships- expect them to know how we are feeling, strangers- put more effort into expressing with strangers
what are key components of good communication
what is mimicry
during a conversation where partner adapts simular posture and manerims
what is the social penetration theory
develop of changes of conversation
bredth- variety of topics you discuss
depth- personal significance of the topic
interdependence
proportional justice
each partner gains benefits from the relationship that are proportional to their contributions
outcomes/ contributions
why do we need close contact?
- very social species
-suffer when we do not have close contact - need for intimate relationships- only need a few close friendships and relationships
- fail to thrive when deprived of close contact
etc. babies can give up the will to live without close contact
how can low self- esteem damage relationships
- underestimate partners love
- less optimistic their love will last (brace for impact- will hurt less)
-highly sensitive (partner have no idea they hurt them, just more sensitive to any) - impacted but what WE THINK others think of us
what does the sociometer measure
quality of relationships with others
why do gay have overall more satisfying relationship s
both androgynous- share more masculine and instrumental traits
- work around the house split up more fairly, communicate more openly and honestly
can your personality change?
- gradual changes over time
- influenced by who you are around
extraverted people vs conscientious
what is the difference in parental investment? and paternity uncertainty?
female- have to prevent pregnancy
- birth control, hormonal birth control
-house the baby for 9 months- their responsibility
- choose their partners reasonably, are capable of having children until menopause- up to them to prevent
male- the matter of implanting a sperm
- could be the father to 100 of babies
paternity uncertainty
- men- face doubts that he child is truely theres
-
difference between direct and indirect rewards
direct rewards- notice and obvious
- interest and approval, beautiful, money advice
indirect- share something in common, aligns with current needs or desires
instrumentality
someone helps to achieve present goals, company is pleasurable, and helpful to fullfill our needs to belong
examples of dysfunctional communication
kitchen sink-
addressing several topics at once
off beam-
wander from topic to topic
yes but-
interrupting, finding fault at anything they say
mind reading-
jumping to conclusions
cross complaining- complaining about other issues
what is the social penetration theory
better connection when talk more personal topics and explain better significance about yourself
depth- personal significance of topics
breadth- topics they dissucss
how to be a better listener
validation- recognize partners point of view even if you do not agree with it
paraphrasing- repeat in own words to see if understood correctly
perception checking- make sure understand properly
negative effect example
criticism- attacks character
contempt- emerges from mockery and insults
defensiveness- excuses
belligerence- agressiveness
self disclosure
passing information from yourself to someone else
most important for intimacy to develop
responsiveness
- builds trust
-disclosures deepen
-intimacy increase
what does it mean to be interdependent
rely on each other
- we value the outcome we receive based on two principles
- seaking most fullfilling relationship for both
outcomes= rewards- cost
personal compariment level (CL)
what we feel we expect and deserve
(determines happiness in relationship(
cl alt- what we think we can get somewhere else
(determines security)
subjective- can be different between partners- see the relationship a different way
what are the four types of relationships
Happy and stable:
Get more than we expect and deserve
Do not think we can find something better
Unhappy but stable:
Doesn’t think you can get any better from anyone else, that is why she won’t leave the relationship
Happy but unstable:
Get more than what we expect
Outcome would be better with someone else
Unhappy and unstable
Getting less than what you deserve, and think you can get it elsewhere
how do our cl change
- expectations change depending on the outcome we receive
- continue to increase because we start to take them for granted
- like syaing i love you to partner should still try to make special and less of a routine
- off phone with parents- do not even think about it routine to say i love you
how does equality exist
- when relationship is fair
outcomes/ contributions = partners
why is the cost of departing declined
- because of travel and social media
more options, more available to them
less commtied
ratio to stay in satisfied mariage
5:1 ratio
rewards: cost
what are the three types of commitments
personal- want
moral- ought
constraint- have
rewards and costs are different
approach motivation-
- desired experiences, bring us to feel desired emotions
- motivation for doing something to feel good
avoidance motivation-
- desire just to avoid cost and escape pain and punishment
pain and pleasure are different processes, they can both exisit and both feel good
why is minimizing cost not the same as increasing rewards
- more beneficial to get rewards instead of just avoiding stress
- want our relationship to be fulfilling must do more instead of just avoidance
what is the self expansion model
- we are more attracted to a partner that expands the range of our interests
- bring us a new talent or perspective
- find new ways to go on adventures together
relational turbulence
- a period of adjustment, becoming accustomed to increasing interdependence
- more time together, disrupt each others routines, priority over other friends
willing to sacrifice:
deognation of tempting alternatives: reduce allure who might otherwise entice us away from our current partners
