CHAPTER 3

Question 1

Ch. 3 - Interests and Goals

Answer 1

• our interests and goals are sometimes hard to identify. both parties to the conflict and outsiders to the conflict often can’t identify goals and interests accurately.
• we treats “interests” and “goals” as different terms for the same things-what we want from others.
• all conflict hinge upon the fact that ppl perceive that there are incompatible goals held by at least two ppl who are interfering with what the other person wants. whether a sister and her older bro are struggling over limited parental attention, two manager competing for a promotion, or a seller and buyer arguing over price of a car, the perception of incompatible goals fuels the conflict.
• in every conflict the interdependence of the parties is built on both common and disparate goals, but the parties often perceive only the disparate goals. when we realized that what you want is not what I want we are in conflict.
• as the conflict intensifies, the parties focus more and more on the differences. conflict is more than disagreement; it is when ppl believe that another interferes with their interests and goals.
• our goals are different in diverse relationships. in a friendship, you main goals might be affinity-wanting others to like you. on the job you may primarily want to gain info from colleagues or to persaude them about something
• our goals range from obtaining money, goods, services, love or status to getting information. in a convo, your goal may be to express your emotions.
• r’s found that the majority of conflicts in step-families invovled resources (possession, time, space, attention, privacy, money), divided loyalty, perceptions that the parents were showing favor their “own” children, and conflicts with the members of the extended fam.
• many times, especially in emotionally charged conflict situations, we may be unaware of what goals we want to achieve. if you are angry at your roommate, you might not know whether you want to punish her for being sloppy; you want her to like you, but you still want to influence her cleanliness standards, or you want her to get angry and move out so you can get a new roommate.
• most conflict p’s initially lack goal clarity; they only discover their goals through experiencing conflict with the other p. goals often shift during the course of conflict.

Question 2

Interests and Goals

continued

Answer 2

• what you want to achieve in the conflict also affects the tactics you choose during the conflict. for example, if you are defending yourself you are likely to use self-oriented tactics - being competitive and looking out only for yourself.
• on the other hand if you want to improve a relationship, you are more likely to use conflict moves that are integrative-taking account the other’s needs as well as your own.
• one fact emerges from studying goals in personal and org settings-effectively functioning teams have a clear understanding of their objectives.
• the more clearly individuals or groups understand the nature of the problem and what they want to occur, the more effective they will be in solving problems.

Question 3

Types of Goals: TRIP

Answer 3

• people in conflict pursue four general types of goals
  (1) topic or content
  (2) relational
  (3) identity (or facework/face-saving)
  (4) process
• the acronym TRIP stands for these major types of goals, which overlap and shift during disputes.

Question 4

Types of Goals: TRIP -

Topic Goals: What Do We Want?

Answer 4

• the key question when looking at a conflict is “what does each person want”
• topic, or content goals emerge as different ideas about what to do, what decisions to make, where to go, how to allocate resources, or other externally objectifiable issues.
• topic goals can be listed, argued, supported by evidence, and broken down into pros and cons.
• for ex., Amanda might tell her supervisor it’s been six months and I am hoping for a rise, assuming that you are satisfied with my work”
• other examples of topic goals are: securing a student loan, more free time, a new pair of skis, space to work, a vacation overseas, to sell a house for 200k, a clean apartment, meaningful work, fashionable clothing, a different job, reliable transportation, a digital video recorder, etc.
• in different contexts, the topics change. for example in the workplace typical topics emerge that cause disputes are: promotion, title, accuracy, office location, efficiency, how hard you work, salary, getting to work on time, job assignments, new computer, etc.
• a friendship might struggle over: loaning money, sharing a ride, where to recreate, what music to listen to, which movie to see, what holiday plans to make, how welcome friends are in a shared apartment, whether to share a possession
• most of us discuss topics that are distinct in each relationship type as well as some that cross all three categories. you may value cleanliness as an important topic regardless of the situation, or it might be restricted only to your living environment.
• topic goals can be easily seen and talked about - they are external to us - we can point to them and say “I want that”

Question 5

Types of Goals: TRIP -

Topic Goals: What Do We Want?
continued

Answer 5

• while they might be categorized as objective, feelings still infuse these topics.
• topic or content struggles are of two types (1) people want different things (I want to get the most for my car, you want to pay the least for it); or (2) people want the same thing (same job, same romantic partner, same room in the house)
• in either case, what happens is a struggle over the goals. the perception that there is not enough to go around - a perception of scarce resources - intensifies the conflict.
• usually when you ask ppl what they want in a conflict, you will hear a topic goal from at least one of the parties - I just want a different office.
• for most ppl, topic goals are the easiest to identify and tell others about. the topic, while important and he beginning point to understanding all disputes, is just one part of the conflict mosaic.
• some writers refer to the topic goals are “substantive” or “realistic” goals, but we believe the following kinds of goals are also real and substantive
• if you are studying negotiation in business or law school you will focus almost entirely on topic goals. mediators in legal disputes usually shuttle back and forth between the parties carrying offers of money until they reach a settlement.
• other topics are important in addition to money. if you have a disagreement with your class instructor over a grade, you are engaging in a topic dispute. you thought you deserve a B but they gave you a C. your enactment of the topic conflict, whether escalating or seeking joint agreement, will have crucial impact.
• while topics are important, other crucial goals that arise in conflicts deserve equal study

Question 6

Types of Goals: TRIP -

Relational Goals: Who Are We to Each Other?

Answer 6

• they key question when assessing relational goals of a conflict is WHO ARE WE in relationship to each other? relationship goals define how each party wants to be treated by the other and the amount of interdependence they desire (how they define themselves as a unit)
• additionally, the amount of influence each will have with the other is worked out through relational interaction
• differing relational goals lead ppl into conflict just as differing topics do. ppl often experience deep disagreement about the question of who they are to each other. the following statements, expressed during actual conflicts, express relational concerns.

HOW YOU WANT TO BE TREATED BY THE OTHER

• what i need is some respect
• what happened to our collegial relationship?
• i want you to support me when we are in public
• you don’t have to be nasty about it
• i want to be included in projects that affect me
• i expect professional conduct from everyone on this team.
• you told Sandra that the report would be in by the due date. then you called in sick and had me handle it. this hurts my trust that you will do what you say.
• I was hired at the same time Jim was and now he is receiving extra training and I am not. I want access to training as well so i can do a better job
• mom this really upsets me bc I know you get along better with Samantha

WHAT KIND OF UNIT ARE WE?

• I thought we were best friends
• are you committed to this team or not?
• we both have our separate lives now, so let’s get on with it.
• what I do is none of your business
• I don’t know who we are to each other anymore
• a professional would attend all the team meetings even when the scheduling is inconvenient
• now that we are divorced, we are only parents to the kids and will continue that indefinitely.

Question 7

Types of Goals: TRIP -

Relational Goals: Who Are We to Each Other?
continued

Answer 7

• relational goal will emerge in any ongoing dispute and must be recognized and managed.
• when mediators ignore relational concerns t hey will experience more difficulty in helping divorcing partners reach an agreement.
• relational goals seem hard to talk about openly. who talks first, who talks to the most, NV cues such as eye contact and many other factors give us clues about relationship goals. if an employee asks for a rise and is told no, especially with little comment, the supervisor might be warning, on the relational level, “don’t push too far. i have the right to tell you what we can afford and what we can’t afford.” if the employee says why not this is the best year we have ever had the relational message might be from the employees perspective that he/her has the right to challenge what you say
• communication regarding relational goals remains tacit and unspoken. productive conflict interaction sometimes requires a third party of a p to clarify the tacit relationship definitions.
• in ongoing relationships like the one between the second wife and her husband, relational goals should take precedence. most ppl argue over content when they ought to be talking about relational goals - and wonder why they can’t reach agreement on the topic.

Question 8

Types of Goals: TRIP -

Relational Goals: Who Are We to Each Other?
continued

Answer 8

• relational goals are at the heart of all conflict interactions yet are difficult to specify from the outside and sometimes from the inside as well.
• that is because each person translates the same event into his or her own relational meaning.
• a conflict is interpreted differently by each participant. just as we have no success in translating Ukrainian unless we speak it, conflict parties must learn the relational language of their conflict partners.
• for ex., a father and daughter might fight many evening when she comes home from school and he arrives home from work. mother gets pulled into playing the peacemaker, trying to urge them to get along better.
• the daughter scatters book, shoes, etc in the living room while getting a snack. father homes home sees the mess and explodes. daughter says I forgot and father says you always forget
• content messages: “i forgot” “you always forget”
• daughter’s translation: it’s not important, I wish he’d pay attention to something that is more important to me
• father’s translation: she doesn’t listen to me. she is getting too independent to care what i think
• the father wants more responsiveness from his daughter, a key relational issue as noted my r’s.
• the difficulty with relational issues is that we never ultimately know the other person’s translations
• just as the daughter and father have different translations for these events, usually the conflict parties cannot accurately guess what the other’s translations will be.
• when they can estimate the other’s relational needs, they tend to dismiss them as not important.
• the friend who says you should be bothered by not being invited to the picnic is telling you your relational needs are not important.
• one technique in conflict management, therefore, is to ASK conflict parties to share their relational translations of the content issues.
• no new procedures (content solutions) will work until leftover resentments are explained and relational issues are attended to. then new, topic topics goals can be developed and they can have a change of finally working.

Question 9

Types of Goals: TRIP -

Relational Goals: Who Are We to Each Other?
continued

Answer 9

• relational goals form in reaction the the other party’s goals.
• what I want from you is the result of what I think you think about me.
• once a conflict is triggered, each party reacts to what he or she thinks the other is doing or wanting.
• when sandy says “I won’t take that kind of treatment from Jason” she is reacting to her guess about how Jason will act in the future, too.
• once the conflict spiral begins, each person responds to an image of the other that may not be accurate.
• when Jason replies “you are just trying to control me” he states his relational action to Sandy.
• in this manner, relational goals escalate into polarized states.

Summary of principles about relational interests and goals:

• every statement carries a relational message
• we each translate or interpret relational goals differently
• relational interests carry more urgency than topic interests
• our relational interests are triggered in reaction to our interpretation of the other’s behaviors
• good relationships make the topic issues much easier to resolve, bring synergy to a convo and enhance our positive identity
• one more example of a relational statement will clarify this issue - Guillermo, who works for Sam in a high-tech org, after a meeting with Sam, says to a colleague “wow, one day there is the good Sam and the next it is the bad Sam. when i meet with him, i just sit still and try to figure out if he will be kind to me or blow his stack. it has me so unnerved that I may have to transfer to another department”
• such statements reflect the importance of relational goals and how they affect performance.
• we don’t see the other person as the villain because they disagree with us, we see them as the villain because of how they treat us

Question 10

Types of Goals: TRIP -

Identity, or Face-Saving, Goals: Who Am I in This Interaction?

Answer 10

• identity conflicts are often hard to identity, since they are usually represented as disputes over tangible resources.
• the key q in assessing identity or face saving goals is “who am I in this particular interaction? or “how may my self-identity be protected or repaired in this conflict?”
• as conflicts increase in intensity, the parties shift to face saving as a key goal. face saving, or identity protection, occurs throughout the conflict but is highlighted more at certain times than others.
• in addition to content and relational goals, identity goals include specific desires to maintain one’s sense of self-identity. identity needs have been extensively discussed as face work or saving face.
• often ppl will say with frustration what are we fighting about or I don’t even know what is going on
• many times, a puzzling or maddening interaction makes sense if you see one or more of the parties trying to present a positive face.
• when identity or face saving becomes an issue, ppl are less flexible and engage in destructive moves. as Brown said yrs ago, in some instances, protecting against loss of face becomes so central an issue that it swamps the importance of the tangible issues at stake and generates intense conflicts that can impede progress toward agreement and increase substantially the cost of conflict resolution

Question 11

Types of Goals: TRIP -

Identity, or Face-Saving, Goals: Who Am I in This Interaction?
continued

Answer 11

• when one can clarify their identity, more cooperative problem solving comes about. the athlete who says I don’t use drugs bc I am not that kind of person or a friend says to you I’m really good with verbal retorts is telling you their preferred identity. or the teen who says I don’t have premarital sex bc it violated my beliefs is giving a clear identity statement.
• these identity statements often arise when ppl are talking about themselves and are constructed by us in our communication exchanges
• competent, best friend, reliable family member, likable, logical, friendly, responsible, enthusiastic, expert, trustworthy, well-organized, leader, etc
• the importance of identity or face saving can be seen when large corporations or individuals are sued in court. in some cases they can enter an Alford Plea which means I don’t admit guilt but based on the evidence present I think I would be convicted. thus we read news reports of orgs saying we didn’t do it but we paid the plaintiff 15 mil but we didn’t do it.
• on one hand this seems absurd but on the other the practice illustrates the importance of saving face. the issue is no longer did i break the law but how can i protect how i see myself and others see me? the most extreme example of this is people on death row. often they are being escorted to execution they will say I am innocent I am a good person. we need to have a positive self identity even if it doesn’t correspond to what we have done.

Question 12

Types of Goals: TRIP -

Identity, or Face-Saving, Goals: Who Am I in This Interaction?
continued

Answer 12

• in each conflict interaction individuals either save face or lose or damage face. self esteem can be seen as a scarce resource.
• this is another way of saying hat people’s sense of self is often tenuous, not fixed. few ppl are so full of self esteem that they do not care about looking good in conflicts, or being seen as intelligent, honorable, correct or justified.
• likewise, when your opponent begins to perceive that you are damaging his or her sense of self, the stakes get higher.
• face work occurs for each party throughout the conflict. in face saving convos, ppl often give accounts of what has happened or what the interactions meant, as a way to repair one’s identity after a personal attack.
• changing one’s mind about human nature is hard work and changing one’s mind for the worse about oneself is even harder.
• since ppl often act out of self-interest, what normally happens as a dispute progresses is that ppl protect their own face, or identity, while damaging the other’s face, or identity. productive conflict management demands that we attend to neglected important areas.
• one study analyzed communication in three cases of hostage negotiations. the case invovled three people. one, an armed suicidal man barricaded inside a TV station; two a man suffering extreme emotional instability who was barricaded in a house; three an armed man holding his children hostage
• what emerged in the taped FBI transcripts was the necessity to let the men save face while working to get the hostages released.
• the outside negotiators had to restore the armed man’s face by saying things such as I think you are an extremely strong person for how you have handled this so far, you’ve got a whole lot of ppl who care about you, and the people you are trying to help, they need you.
• sometimes face is saved ahead of time and other times it is restored after there has been some loss, like in the hostage situation.

Question 13

Types of Goals: TRIP -

Identity, or Face-Saving, Goals: Who Am I in This Interaction?
continued

Answer 13

• figure 3.2 also shows how someone can damage one’s own face. though it seems unlikely, ppl often say negative things about themselves. when you say I am just a terrible parent or I am a lousy student or What does someone my age think he or she is doing going back to school? those statements are damaging to one’s own face or identity.
• such statements may also be made in the hope that the listener will say something kind. in the hostage sit., the armed men were in effect saying I’m just crazy and the job of the outside negotiators was to get the men to start to see their own behavior as not quiet so damaging to their view of themselves.
• once face is restored, one is free to give up extreme defensive tacts, such as holding hostages.
• people try to avoid loss of face by defending their self image against humiliation, embarrassment, exclusion, demeaning com., or general treatment as unimportant or lower power ppl
• attempts to solve a problem or stop a conflict by causing another person to lose a sense of dignity and worth never works in the long run. one researcher calls it the identity trap - when our identity issues disable us from seeing constructive paths of problem solving
• remember the four horsemen discussed in chapter 1 - and how many destructive conflict cycles result from this kind of destructive com. overuse of power may temporarily solve a problem.
• when losers are created, the losing group or individual waits for a time and place to make it right either by getting back at the winners by subverting the ongoing process or by leaving the relationship, work or group.
• demeaning com creates ongoing pain and dissatisfaction and the conflict remains unresolved at a deep level.

Question 14

Types of Goals: TRIP -

Identity, or Face-Saving, Goals: Who Am I in This Interaction?
continued

Answer 14

• face saving and giving others face are extremely important in all cultures but often take precedence over topic issues in Asian cultures.
• it is now well known in the business com that entirely different kinds of negotiation skills are required in Asian cultures. attempt to support the others face and avoid at all costs the loss of face of the other requires attention to face are part of the requirements of polite interaction among many Pacific rim cultures. one would never pin an opponent down or attempt to prove him or her wrong.
• ppl especially when they feel power, may assume that escalation is the best route in conflict. take the case of employees who are convinced the management in their company is incompetent. they want to publish their complaints in the local paper. while at first this might seem effective, if they do that, the managers will lose face and undoubtedly respond in a negative manner.
• almost always, when you ask someone the best way to handle complaints about them they prefer it to be in private and not publicly aired - saving face for all

Question 15

Types of Goals: TRIP -

Identity, or Face-Saving, Goals: Who Am I in This Interaction?
continued

Answer 15

• you can tell that attempts to save face are being employed when you or others engage in the following kinds of communication
• claim unjust intimidation: topic goals take second place to this specific kind of relational goal - to stand up to another’s attempt to take over. ppl accuse others of taking advantage, declare their resistance to unjust treatment, and often seek support from outside parties when they are being treated unjustly.
• refuse to step back from a position: a person who no longer feels comfortable with an earlier position may choose to stay with it, even in light of new info, bc looking foolish or inconsistent results in losing face. thus, topic and larger relational goals are set aside to avoid looking weak, ill informed, or incompetent. in a community in a wester mountain state, water rights became a major conflict for a group of summer home owners in the mountains. a city tried to claim water rights to a small creek that flowed through the homeowners’ property. one man resisted the efforts of a majority to build a legal defense fund bc he had said at a meeting, i’m not going to pay some lawyer to fritter away my money on something we can’t stop anyone. as several summers wore on, this embattled individual refuse to step back from his position of no money to lawyers and we can’t make any difference anyways. he wrote letters to homeowner group, bitterly protesting the intimidation by the majority group in assessing a fee for each homeowner to build the legal fund. clearly, as new info came in strongly supporting the efforts to fight the city’s water claim, as when the judge supported the summer home group, the man who was fighting to avoid losing face found himself in a dilemma - to fight further might be to lose face even more. eventually he pretended he had supported the legal efforts all along but just thought the fees were too high. this was a face regaining effort and the homeowners group wisely dropped the issue so that the man could be part of the community again. for him, the content and relational goals had become temporarily unimportant.
• suppress conflict issues: people also try to save face by refusing to admit that a conflict exists, since to acknowledge a conflict might meant that events are out of control, which might make the ppl feel uncomfortable and incompetent. in the water rights conflict discussed previously, several long time friends of the dissident homeowner said things like well Kent is just cantankerous. he’ll get over it. or well these things bring up strong feelings. the association had few effect means of conflict resolution. many felt that to acknowledge conflict at all would mean that their group was in danger of losing a sense of camaraderie and community spirit. one board member tried to schedule a meeting that the dissident individual could not attend because of his travel schedule-an attempt to suppress or avoid the issue of face or identity needs.

Question 16

Types of Goals: TRIP -

Identity, or Face-Saving, Goals: Who Am I in This Interaction?
continued

Answer 16

• in productive, ongoing relationships, several kinds of communication will help people restore their lost of face or prevent further loss of face. you can increase flexibility and problem solving if you:
• help others increase their sense of self esteem: treat others with goodwill, giving them the benefit of the doubt even when they have been belligerent or unproductive. you might say things like everyone gets upset sometimes, we can get past this, or you must not have had all the information I had you couldn’t have known about the project yet, as id id. even say something like I know you were doing what you thought was best gives the other person the benefit of the doubt and is usually true. people do tend to do what they think is best at the time.
• avoid giving directives: parents can tell their teen children i want you to honor the house rules we have discussed. i want to be able to trust you and not worry about monitoring you you are almost grown and can make decisions for yourself. this approach is a lot better than if you don’t follow the rules we have set you can find somewhere else to live. as will be discussed later on, its better to avoid direct threats and to use persuasion and face saving com. instead. no one wants to be pushed around. even if you have the right on your side, it may not always be wise to be right as this creates winners and losers.
• listen carefully to others and take their concerns into account: even when you don’t have to listen bc you have the power to make a decision independently, listening and taking care of others concerns as best you can helps them feel including approved of and respected
• ask q’s so the other person can examine his or her goals: by asking qs instead of attacking you give the other person a chance to change in the interaction instead of entrenching or digging in - note the warlike metaphor
• in conclusion, helping others protect their self identity as a good, worthy and competent human goes far toward helping resolve conflict and by allowing ppl to focus on goals other than self-promotion

Question 17

Types of Goals: TRIP -

Process Goals: What Communication Process Will Be Used?

Answer 17

• the key q when assessing process goals is what com process would work best. many time ppl disagree about how to formally or informally conduct conflict. a group might argue over the merits of consensus versus voting. intimates often disagree about whether strong emotions hurt the process of conflict or not or whether the partner should stay up and talk when one is sleepy or wait until the morning.
• work groups go back and forth about whether to send out opinion questionnaires, talking informally in a series of meetings delegate certain decisions or put off deciding certain issues.
• some examples of process goals are: giving each one equal time to talk, consensus, decisions made by a group, talking informally before deciding, having high-power, person decide, secret ballot, not allowing the children to speak, voting, etc.
• different process of com may change the relationship invovled. for instance, minorities may be given more power with a free flow of com, whereas high power ppl might maintain their power with a more tightly organized form of interaction, such as one that relies heavily on written com.
• process goals arise in all kinds of contexts. for example, deciding which judge hears your case is a crucial q in the law. in the workplace, ppl want processes that enhance equality and open participation. ppl struggle in orgs and small groups over the pros and cons of consensus, informal discussion, information gathering, delegated decisions, written summaries, voting and parliamentary procedure.
• process goals also vary in dif cultures with some being quite authority oriented and others relying on equal participation. in native American tribal politics, a long process of consensus building is often required before a decision is considered valid by the tribe. the tribal members delegate less to their elected officials than to Western European cultures

Question 18

Types of Goals: TRIP -

Process Goals: What Communication Process Will Be Used?
continued

Answer 18

• in addition to changing the levels of influence, different process encourage or discourage creative solutions. quick, well-defined processes help you move forward but may decrease creative, innovative solutions. longer processes can build in time for reflection and evaluation and improve the chances for creativity, thus, different processes affect the conflict outcome as well.
• large public meeting are arenas for process conflict. people who know they are in the minority or lower power often argue for parliamentary procedure, which gives more options for hearing the minority than does for instance informal large group discussion followed by voting.
• whatever the context, process conflicts often change when individuals feel heard. people drop their obstruction to a certain process if they are assured of being heard and counted (face/identity issues), and when they see their content and relational goals are being protected. as in struggles over differing content, relational and identity goals, process conflicts blend into the other conflicting goals.

Question 19

The Overlapping Nature of TRIP Goals

Answer 19

• Feature 1: not all types of goals emerge in all disputes: disputes may emerge without process issues, in the workplace there may be a heated disagreement between two supervisors yet neither wants to change any processes such as how frequently they meet or who is included. similarly, many conflicts have no content issues. two friends may be locked in a struggle over how responsive they are to one another; a relational issue that doesn’t involve content. it is often puzzling to parents how their children can fight for hrs over nothing - no identifiable content issues. but rest assured, if there is struggle and no content issues are apparent, the struggle is about identity, process and/or relational issues.
• Feature 2: interests and goals overlap with one another and differ in primacy: when you begin a dispute over your grade (the topical goal), you also want to be treated well by the professor (relational goal) and want to think you tried hard enough (the identity or face saving). you begin the discussion with the processor with the topic issue paramount in your mind; the relational and identity issues are not as important to you. note therefore that even though they different in prominence, all goal types emerge. the professor shown below, on the other hand, may be most concerned about relational issues (I don’t pull rank). she also shares a topic issue (I want students to get better grades) with her identity issue being as treating students fairly. in a dif situation a process or procedural goal might be the utmost in one party’s mind. you are a member of a departmental student group and would like to run for president you were out of town last weekend and this Tuesday in class someone said hey what do you think about Stan being president of the student club? we had an election last night. for you the procedural issue of not being notified of a meeting when others knew you wanted to run for president is the paramount issue. note that in this case, the procedural issue looms largest followed by identity and relational issues of equal weight.
• Feature 3: identity and relational issues are the DRIVERS of disputes; t hey underlie topic and process issues. as you listen to people describe conflicts you begin to notice a pattern-identity and relational issues are at the core. in most business conflicts, regardless of the topic issue, someone will be concerned about trust treatment or com-relational issues. further, the face saving and identity issues anchor all disputes. because we are human beings, our inherent view of ourself drives disputes. think back to when you were a kid and not chosen to play or were excluded from an activity. typical response may have been i didn’t want to be at the party anyways (relational) and I am a good reader and I will just go home and finish the great book I’m reading (identity).
• many ppl see identity and relational goals as intangible bc they are hard to specify, yet even though they may be difficult to put in specific terms, they, nevertheless, are the key drivers of all conflicts. in our work as mediators in hundreds of disputes we have never seen a dispute without relational and identity issues.

Question 20

The Overlapping Nature of TRIP Goals

continued

Answer 20

• powerful relational and identity issues underlie al conflicts, although they often are acted out indirectly. it may not be common in your family to say I feel excluded but rather, family members may watch others at the family picnic see who is left alone and see them out for a talk. in an org it may not be within the cultural norm to say I don’t feel very valued here but the president ay give you access to the boardroom for meetings as a way to indicate your organizational importance. similarly, watch little kids at play. one of the kids may be left out and another way turn and say want to play dolls with me? such a move is both a relational and identity tactic.
• being alert to the relational translations someone else might make, you can serve both relational and face-saving needs indirectly through content. indirection, topic-only solutions do not work in intense conflict situations, however. the more severe and strained the conflict, the less satisfying the conflict approach will be. these leads to the fourth feature of conflict goals.
• Feature 4: in a serious dispute, topic-only solutions are rarely satisfying to conflict parties. if you know someone who has ever won a lawsuit, ask him how do you feel about the other party and the process you went through? you probably will hear anger, frustration, and exasperation with the winner usually launching into a tirade about both the other party and their attorney. that is bc only topic issues have been addressed and the needs to save face and to be listened to and to be told that you are a reasonable person have not be attended to. during the dispute there is often so much threat to each person’s identity that content solutions alone are not satisfying. in this type off situation if an outside says you just got 150 k what more do you want? the plaintiff will answer an apology.
• Feature 5: conflict parties often specialize in one kind of goal. conflict parties in ongoing struggles often highlight one type of goal and limit themselves to it. in the conflict examples of the org. and the family, the p’s separate and specialize- one party on the topic goals and the other on the relational goals. this split tends to keep the conflict going- as the topic specialist continues to expect better performance form the other and the relational specialist becomes more and more critical of the treatment he is receiving. specialization in either topic or relational goals often reflects the parties’ relative power. all too often, high power parties are the ones who focus exclusively on topic. failure to notice relational goals may be due to a lack of skill or can show hostility or lack of caring. focusing only on topic devalues the other person and his or her concerns. the most powerful group member usually wins by structuring the conflict and ignoring troubling relational issues from low power ppl. topic discussion is simpler and requires less investment in the other person. similarly, lower power members may wish to bring in goals other than topic goals as a power balancing mechanism. if a lower power person can get the high power person to agree that relational process and identity goals are important, the lower power person is empowered and becomes a legitimate party in the conflict.

Question 21

The Overlapping Nature of TRIP Goals

continued

Answer 21

• Feature 6: goals may emerge in a different form: sensitivity to the different types of goals allows you to notice when one type of goal is being acted out in terms of another. any of the four can come to the surface in a dif form and with difference in intensity. topic goals emerge as relational, identity or procedural goals. relational goals can emerge as topic, identity and procedural goals and so on - there are 12 possible substitutions. one of the most common is illustrated in figure 3.7: a relational goal carried by a topic goal.
• many times conflict parties are simply unable to identify their relational goals. instead, they act them out at the topic level. for ex., you may feel devalued by your boss so you wage an ongoing persuasive campaign to change the performance evaluation system used by the org. or you think your brother doesn’t respect you so you argue that he doesn’t have the training to handle your aging mom’s finances.
• as you see the dispute began with two ppl feeling excluded and quickly degenerated to a topic only conflict. bc relational issues were ignored, a longtime friendship was lost.
• identity conflicts as well often erupt on the topic level. I’m right/are not/am too is an example of an identity driven conflict that gets play on the topic level. each person starts by wanting to feel right (identity or face saving)
• the couple in the red car I am right you’re wrong example will continue to argue about identifying cars but both ave stated relational concerns. Kathy feels like she isn’t given credit as a knowledgable person. Duane feels that he needs to be right on things he knows more about. the couple appears to be negotiating about who has the preeminence in certain areas of expertise. they haven’t worked out how to call off the conflict or how to ask for more respect for each other. they are likely to find other topics to fight over until the relationship is addressed directly. they following box presents two openings that might start them off more productively

Question 22

Goals Change Interaction

Answer 22

• TRIP Goals are like a lava lamp, glowing, changing, altering and always moving.- Leanne Eleff
• goals don’t stay static but undergo transformation before, during and after disputes. they will emerge as one type and during the course of the conflict change into another type. even after the struggle is over, goals will shift and change.
• note how her goals changed. she began with bad treatment and being ignored (relational goals) and a content goal (being cheated) to a relational goal (I want him to apologize to me) to a pure content goal (reevaluate on question). such change and flow are typical in conflict situations.
• on way to look at this flow of goals is to specify how goals change across time from (1) prospective (before interacting with the person) to (2) transactive goals (during the interaction itself) and (3) retrospective (after the conflict). it is important to be able to track the changes in both your and other’s goals - they continue to evolve over time. The Overlapping Nature of TRIP Goals
  (continued)

Question 23

Goals Change Interaction:

Prospective Goals

Answer 23

• the word goals most commonly connotes intentions ppl hold before they engage in conflict. for instance, Sally might say to Dorothy “what do you hope to accomplish at the board meeting? the last one was awful - some much confusion and disorganization” Dorothy might say I want to sort out what and who is in charge of the budget decisions and how we are supposed to come up with 5 k more next year than we took in this year. I don’t want to take responsibility for more fundraising.
• Dorothy has stated her prospective goals - those she can identify before the board meeting begins. simply stated she hopes that the board will decide who makes budget decisions and delegate fund-raising to some other responsible party. most of the other board members will come to the meeting with their own prospective goals.
• an effectively managed meeting will take account of all of the prospective goals members bring, whether they are readily stated or not.
• taking time to clarify what you want from a particular interaction lays the groundwork for more effective conflict. the expectation of collaboration establishes a positive tone for the discussion.
• when you clarify your prospective goals you
• gain clarity about what you want from a meeting
• prepare yourself for a discussion
• get a sense of “I can do this”
• of course as we have the actual convo with the person, we usually change in their presence. during the discussion, your goals continue to shift and change during the transaction itself.

Question 24

Goals Change Interaction:

Transactive Goals

Answer 24

• in many conflicts goals are ephemeral and they only become clear as the conflict unfolds. for example, during a struggle with your housemate over financial misunderstandings, you discover that what you really want is to move-which you did not know you felt until the argument began. you have stumbled onto a transactive goal: one discovered during the conflict itself.
• transactive goal development takes place during conflict episodes rather than before or after. you may have been absolutely certain that you wanted an assistant to carry out the new project your boss assigned to you but during a staff meeting you may change you demand for as assistant. you now say that you can do the work without an assistant for at least six months. what happened, did you back down, the boss win, did you have no guts? more likely you became aware of the interdependent nature of your work team and decided to change your demand, given the needs of the entire group. you may have been given recognition for the difficulty of your job. maybe your boss said in front of the group I’d like to give you an assistant but I don’t have the money in the budget and don’t know where i can get (a face-saving message). your conflict goals changed bc of the com. event.
• a school board member was trying to decide how to handle her strong opposition to the closed or executive sessions of the board that her colleagues on the board supported. she discussed the conflict with friends ahead of time, rehearsing what she was going to do. when the next board meeting arrives she did not give her speech. she compromised and agreed with her friends that some closed meetings were acceptable. this change is an example of a transactive goals development.
• if you are a person who says I don’t know what i want until we get a chance to discuss it. you understand transactive goals.
• note that the two friends see themselves as interdependent and that they value their relationship as well as solving the immediate topic issue of finding the silver necklace.

Question 25

Goals Change Interaction:

```
Transactive Goals
continued
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Answer 25

• we shift to negative goals when we can’t get what we want. it is when we get frustrated that we belittle, injure, and try to damage the other. this shift from the original topic or content goals to a negative relational or identity goal characterizes the destructive conflict. in diagram form, the goal change occurs as follows:
  1. you want a promotion. you—–> promotion.
  2. when you ask for a promotion, you manager says no way you aren’t going to get one of those as long as i am the boss here. our work as been substandard not worth of a promotion. your boss interferes with you original goal and you begin to focus most of your attention on her interference and your attempts to gain power.
  3. you move from the promotion to the supervisor. you begin to lose sight of your original goal and spend energy trying to get even with the boss. you talk to people at home and work about her tell others how biased she is and spread rumors at work and do other things to undercut he authority.
• this ex., describes a typical pattern of goal shifting in conflict. what began as a topi goal of getting a promo turns into a relational contest between the two of you you shift from a positive topic goal to neg. relational goal.
• such shift occurs often. one other type of goal shifting occurs in conflicts. often a person who is frustrated over the content of the conflict (the vote doesn’t go your way) will shift from content to process. concerns about fair process, equal treatment, and other process issues often surface when one has not been successful at attaining a desired content goal. the teen who launches an appeal to use the family car and is turned down may resort to arguing that you listened to Steven but you didn’t let me tell you why i needed the car. you treat me unfairly. she is switching from the unsuccessful content attempt to a discussion of the process. similar process concerns arise in many arguments after the p realize their content goals have been thwarted.
• a change in any type of conflict goal spills over to the other types of conflict goals. often, identity issues become intertwined with relational goals. when you feel powerless in a relationship to another person your sense of effectiveness or worthiness is challenged. thus, identity goals arise in importance.
• conflict parties also sacrifice topic goals to achieve relationship goals. when the spouse never argues, avoids expressing disagreement, and always says what you want dear he or she is sacrificing content goals in order to maintain the relationship. acquiescing to others and never telling them what you feel are types of topic goal sacrifice.
• in contrast, ppl will sacrifice relational goals to win on the topic. if you are intently set on your content goal (making money negotiating best contract or always winning) you may be sacrificing the relationship in order to win the content. if you never consider the wishes of the other and always try to win you are probably destroying valuable relationships in order to accomplish your goals.
• in conclusion, conflict goals change over time they are in FLUX. as one goal is frustrated, other assume more importance. goals change during the transactions we have with others.

Question 26

Goals Change Interaction:

Retrospective Goals

Answer 26

• these emerge after the conflict is over. ppl spend a large part of their time and energy justifying decisions made in the past. they need to explain to themselves and others why they made the choices they did. this process often happens with intimates who have an intense conflict over discipline of the children. after the first triggering comment they may said let’s decide whats best for the kids not just what fits our own upbringing (prospective goal). during later conflicts over specific instances of discipline they discuss everything from how the children react to whether mom and dad should support each other’s choices, even if they don’t agree. if they decide that discipline is to be handled differently from the way it was in the past episodes, mom might say retrospectively, I mainly wanted to see whether you would begin to share the discipline with me. dad might say all along i was really trying to get you to see that you need to loosen up with the kids.
• assuming that the couple comes up with a wise agreement they can follow in future cases, the retrospective sense making helps them define who they are and make meaningful statements about the place of the conflict in their lives. Monday morning quarterbacking is important in ongoing relationships as well as in sports.
• since we do not know the implications of conflict until we look back on it, r conflict goals give us clarity. Weick explains this sense making process as the reverse from the usual way of looking at goals. he explains that org behavior is goal interpreted. ppl act in an orderly fashion, coordinating their behavior with each other but with little notion of how this is accomplished until after the fact. then they engage in retrospective meetings, convos, paper writing, etc to explain why they did what they did. talking about what happened after an important conflict is as important as talking about what will happen before a conflict episode.
• in these retrospective accounts, your prospective goals for the next episode are formulated. thus, we learn from experience.
• retrospective sense making also serves the function of face saving. if you give respect to the other person, even if you did not agree with the position, the person’s face will be saved and you will lay groundwork for collaboration in the future.

Question 27

Goal Clarity

Answer 27

• goals that are unclear and hard to specify usually produce more conflict. one study shows that in orgs, unclear and ambiguous goals produced more conflict between employees. a careful specification of everyone’s goals lets you decide which ones to abandon, which ones to trade and which ones to maintain.
• goal clarity before the conflictual interaction result sin increased satisfaction with the discussion with the other party.
• sometimes a discussion of goals in interpersonal conflicts elicits the same avoidance reaction “i don’t want to be manipulative. if i figure out what i want ahead of time i am being pushy and presumptuous, i will let the chips fall where they may” all effective communication is goal directed
• this means that com is purposive, not that it is manipulative, and that ppl com for reasons to reach goals. since no one can avoid being goal directed, especially in conflict com., productive conflict management depends on parties’ taking open responsibility for their goals. in other words, know what your goals are, state them clearly to yourself and com them in a flexible manner to your conflict partner. advantages of clarifying your goals are:
• solutions go unrecognized if you do not know what you want: if parents aren’t clear about if they want their kid to live at home or to live in a dorm at college they will not know how to manage the conflict with the child who wants to live in the dorm but doesn’t have a job. if saving $ is the primary goal the parents might allow the son to live in dorm if he gets a job. if the parents decided they don’t want him living in the dorm at all, the son’s offer to get a job may trigger a covert conflict that is unclear and unproductive for all parties.

Question 28

Goal Clarity
(continued)

Answer 28

• only clear goals can be shared: since ppl can’t read your mind, you must clearly com your goals. sometimes you need to change your make your goals clearer so that conflict can be managed productively
• clear goals can be altered more easily than vague goals: if the larger goal is clarified then it is easier to change goals intertwined with that larger goal. this also clarifies your important role in reaching the goals.
• clear goals are reached more often than unclear goals: having a map helps travelers reach a destination. 66% of conflicts in which the issue was clearly stated were successfully resolved, whereas only 18% of conflicts in which the issue was vague and nonspecific were resolve.
• those with shared and individual goals and relational destinations are more likely to arrive at the same desired point. clarifying goals has one risky outcome, it may make seriously incompatible goals apparent.
• these will often become apparent sooner or later. when goals are stated explicitly and directly there is control of escalation. when one’s goals are unclear, they often promote overreaction from the other person who misjudges the nature of the conflict. we are remarkably poor at second guessing the goals of our conflict partners.
• clarifying goals is a key step in conflict management. ppl assess the conflicts in which they participate by making decisions about which goals are worth pursuing. in common language, they get a grip on the situation before deciding how to proceed.

Question 29

Goal Clarity:

Estimate the Other’s Goals

Answer 29

• once a destructive conflict begins spiraling, all our behavior is reactive. we make choices based on what we think the other is thinking and intending. while not as elaborate as chess moves, all conflicts share a structure similar to chess - knowing the other has moves you try you counter his or her moves.
• our estimates of the other’s goals-about what the other wants - propels our own choices.
• one of the patterns in disputes is that as you get more convinced that you know what the other wants, you are less accurate.
• becoming convinced you know absolutely what the other party wants sets the stage for misinterpretation. I have been struck by how confident ppl seem to be when making very tenuous inferences about others.
• in American culture, we often substitute money for other goals. we do not have a well functioning system that compensates ppl for non-monetary goals.
• in most personal conflicts where you have know the other for a long time, your inferences about the other are well informed but also quite biased. we all assumed we know someone well but the research is quite clear that we don’t. for one thing, when individuals are asked to report their thoughts during a video recall, only five to seven percent of the are they thinking about their partner’s perspective. further, while one person focuses on the topic/content, the other focuses on the relationship-they tend to see only their part of the TRIP issues and not the other persons.
• given that there is a misunderstanding about the other, this by itself feeds negative conflict spirals and the descent into destructive conflict. in addition, however, both parties feel misunderstood by the other. they somehow know the other is misunderstanding their goals and feeling misunderstood moves the conflict to a more destructive level. as you feel misunderstood, you will choose destructive conflict moves to get back at the other.
• we misunderstand each other, wee react to what we think he or she is intending, feel very confident about our assessments, and then justify our damaging moves.
• no magic process untangles these intertwining misperceptions. com itself is fraught with challenges but one effective action is ask the other what he or she needs. sometimes all you have to do is ask, listen and then act.

Question 30

Collaborative Goals

Answer 30

the best goals are clear and help conflict p’s collaborate on resolving the conflict while protecting their ability to work live and or interact with each other in important ways. the following statements characterize collaborative goals and may be used as a checklist for “good goals”

1. short-medium and long-range issues are addressed: many times ppl engage too forcefully with others at the beg. of a conflict bc they are afraid their ideas will not be heard. collab goals build in ways for ppl to be invovled in the process as it unfolds. to for collab goals plan for evaluations along the way. give as much attention to a few weeks or months from now as to right now. looking at longer range goals help de-escalate the importance of initial, prospective goals. goals that are set up on a timeline are less overwhelming than global goals such as lets change the way we get along as a family. or i want more say about how the financial structure of this family works.
2. goals are behaviorally specific: doable goals can be checked. i’ll try to do better might become a doable goal with specifications; at present, it is a positive statement but not a collab goal. terms used in intimate relationships are often more vague than statements in business. specificity helps the parties know when a goal has been accomplished.
3. statements orient toward the present and future. language of change uses what can be done now instead of what should have been done in the past. hopeful statements instead of blaming ones set the expectation that agreements can indeed come about.
4. goals recognize interdependence: tensions arise between serving self interest and serving the interests of other parties. in western cultures we have overemphasized self relative to community interest, whereas eastern cultures tend to focus on the interest of the group and community. when conflict parties operate with both concern for self and for others, the agreements that emerge serve the parties best. this doesn’t meant hat you give in to the other you can remain firm in achieving solutions that work for you while seeking to please others at the same time. when one has low concern for others along with high demand for one’s own goals, coercion and manipulation occurs. high concern for self and the other couple with high demand that one’s own goals remain important gives the parties a chance to develop crated and integrative solutions.
5. collab goals recognize an ongoing process: an overriding goal of constructive conflict is to remain committed to the process of constructive conflict. the particular content can be transcended by adhering to a collaborative process.

Question 31

Collaborative Goals

Answer 31

• Fisher and Ury remind conflict managers that goal setting begins with the participation of all conflict parties. give them a stake in the outcome by making sure they p in the process. for collaborators, the process is the product.
• the outcome of constructive conflict should be wise agreement son each of the TRIP interests. wise agreements are fair and durable and take interests of all parties into consideration.
• the struggle for wise agreements is exemplified by a couple with children that go to divorce court. agreement should be representative of both sides; fair to all parties, including the children. should keep couple out of court room in future and should set up care for children if they are too young to care for themselves. process should be efficient, involve all parties interests and improve and not damage the relationship
• when conflict p’s work together to clarify goals and specify that the conflict is and is not about, destructive conflicts subside. collab is a high-energy alternative to avoidance, violence, coercion, frustration, etc. collab is not always possible but when it is destructive conflict is transformed into constructive problem solving
• the ps can come to see them as working side by side on an issue attacking the problem instead of each other. the overarching process goal is we working together can solve this issue that is confronting us.
• part of the self interest of conflict parties is preserving work family and intimate relationships focusing on the issue instead of each other.
• relational preservation becomes a superordinate goal.
• in interpersonal conflicts, long term relational, process and identity goals conflict over short-term topic goals.

Question 32

SUMMARY

Answer 32

• as a conflict unfolds, topic relational identity and process goals emerge (TRIP GOALS)
• topic goals are the “objective” verifiable issues that ppl talk about.
• relationship goals are those pertaining to the parties’ influence on each other. who gets to decide, how they treat one another, and other aspects of their communication are relationship goals
• identity or face saving goals have to do with the needs of ppl to present themselves positively in interactions and to be treated with approval and respect.
• process goals refer to parties’ interest in how the conflict interaction is conducted.
• although most conflict parties center their discussions on content and process goals, the relationship and identity components fuel the feelings in a given conflict.
• goals change in the course of a conflict. prospective goals are those identified before interacting with the other parties.
• transactive goals emerge during the communication exchanges. transactive goals often shift; a destructive conflict is characteristic by a shift from original goals to a desire to harm the other party.
• retrospective goals are identified after the conflict episodes have occurred.
• unregulated, unplanned fast paced conflicts keep many ppl from understanding their goals until they later have time to reflect on their transactions.
• clarifying your goals, better estimating the other’s goals and working to build collaborative goals enhances productive conflict management.
• working against or without consulting the other party often sets destructive forces in motion that preclude integrative management of the conflict.