CHAPTER 2

Question 1

Chapter 2: Perspectives on Conflict

Answer 1

• in your family of origin you may have learned that to “blow up” was a normal, natural way for ppl to show they cared about each other. perhaps your fam was quiet, calm, and restrained. fighting, if at all, happened behind closed doors. maybe you were punished for raising you voice, physically hurt for talking honestly to an adult, or told to keep your opinions to yourself. may you learned, as the author Bill did, that conflict was not talked about and that actions spoke more loudly than words.
• you may have been taught not to dwell on problems but to just move on. or maybe you experienced, as the author Joyce did, hours of sitting around the family table, catching up on events of the day, talking over what was happening and being asked how you felt and thought.
• if so, you might bring a perspective to conflict that assumed “we can work this out”
• very early attachment styles, known as secure attachment or insecure attachment to parents, affect conflict resolution abilities twenty or so years later.
• securely attached infants and children use their caregivers as a source of comfort in stressful situations. insecurely attached infants don’t use and can’t rely on their caregivers to provide comfort.
• in one study, infants were videotaped at ages two, six-eight doing stressful tasks with their mothers. at 16 they completed interview about the nature of their relationships with friends, how secure their friendships were and how they resolved conflict.
• when they were 20-21 they came to the lab wit their partners and completed a conflict resolution task and a conflict recovery task. at 23, they were assess to see if they were still dating the same romantic partners.

Question 2

Chapter 2: Perspectives on Conflict

Answer 2

• subjects with an insecure attachment with their mothers at 12 months expressed more negative emotions when trying to resolve major relationship conflicts with their partners at 21 and 22. this is offset by the good news. those students who had good social skills in grade school and trusting relationships with friends at 16 reduced the negative emotions experienced later with romantic partners.
• the “pathway” of good social relationships helps people recover from early negative experiences. working models of past relationships tend to carry forward in new ones.
• no surprisingly, if both ppl were securely attached, their relationships were more positive. further, another “pathway” to success emerged - one partner can help buffer the early life experiences of another.
• you may be thinking “this is all well and good, but I don’t go around with a social science questionnaire before I decide to date someone.” of course not. you can both improve your own skills and help buffer a partner with a less fortunate history.
• the skills you will learn in this course will help transform you and assist others as well. this task takes practice, but over the years we have seen many students change from an automatic, reactive way o dealing with conflict to a thoughtful, skilled approach.
• this helps you and everyone around you - romantic partners, colleagues, family, friends and children.

Question 3

More Reflections on Your Specific History

Answer 3

• personal and workplace history has taught you to either jump right into conflict or to strenuously attempt to reduce or avoid it. for most of us, the choice to avoid or confront a conflict is difficult. we all weight the costs and benefits of bringing up something that may well be awkward, unpleasant, or frightening. we make choices every day about what convos to avoid and what convos to initiate.
• we struggle about these choices, knowing that if we avoid a tough topic we might feel taken advantage of and experience resentment. if we confront a problem, we might make matters worse.
• we hope you come to terms with your own life’s learnings, what to keep, what to challenge, what to change and what to discard bc it no longer fits your needs.
• think also about your role in your family of origin, friendships, romantic relationships and at work.

Question 4

More Reflections on Your Specific History

continued

Answer 4

• conflict can be either bad or good. conflict presents danger and opportunity. whether conflicts seem worth it or “good” depends on their frequency, the way the conflict takes place and especially the quality of the relationships where the conflict arises.
• almost everything about the “was it worth it?” question depends on the relationship.
• constructive conflicts in supportive relationships lead to beneficial outcomes - if they aren’t too frequent, while coercive and destructive conflicts in supportive relationships lead to negative and unpleasant outcomes.
• there are many possibilities in conflict resolution-you can make the relationship more supportive, decrease the frequency of conflicts by asking is this really worth it, and you can learn to participate in conflict responsibly. all of these skills can be learned if you want to learn them
• which of the following descriptions best describes systems you have experienced: avoidant, collaborative, or aggressive/coercive
• while there is an artificial nature to these distinctions (for example, some ppl will avoid, then be aggressive, and then avoid again), overtime distinctive “rules” for handling conflict emerge.
• while these lists vary fro group to group, notice how different the three lists are. if you grew up in an avoidant family and your roommate grew up in an aggressive family, conflict between the two of you may arise and be difficult to resolve - each of you will have to break rules of interactions the other expected you to follow.

Question 5

More Reflections on Your Specific History:

(1) Avoidant Systems

Answer 5

• avoidant: where members avoided most conflict
• conflict doesn’t exist and if it does, don’t recognize it
• if there is a conflict, figure out what to do about it on your own
• don’t tell anyone else there is a struggle
• walk away if something starts to brew
• don’t ever raise your voice
• snide comments are fine
• sulking and the silent treatment are necessary strategies
• if someone has a concern, don’t respond to it
• don’t express strong feelings.

Question 6

More Reflections on Your Specific History:

(2) Collaborative Systems

Answer 6

• where members use cooperation and collaboration.
• have meetings or mealtime chats to discuss issues
• use good listening skills when someone has concern
• deal with ppl directly
• say openly what you are feeling
• help is offered in resolving children’s or employee’s conflicts
• regular interaction is important
• dirty tricks such as sulking are not allowed.
• strong feelings are seen as normal and are allowed.

Question 7

More Reflections on Your Specific History:

(3) Aggressive/Coercive Systems

Answer 7

• members engaged in a lot of overt yelling, calling of names and similar aggressive moves.
• survival of the fittest describes the general climate
• be brutally honest regardless of the impact
• show your emotions strongly even if it hurts someone
• have audience present when you engage someone
• establish your position early.
• don’t back down - hold your ground no matter what
• if someone attacks you have to fight back
• ppl who don’t engage are weak

Question 8

More Reflections on Your Specific History

continued

Answer 8

• so our personal history in our families of origin will have a big impact on what we choose to do when conflict starts to rumble below the surface in our relationships.
• conflict approaches can change over time. especially in families (Rachel, brain injury example)
• your personal history also includes all interactions with others up to the present. what you experienced as a preschooler, in school, with friends on playground and in adult exchanges influences your expectations.
• some of us have experiences of working through challenges with others and life; thus, we willingly engage in what might prove to be a difficult talk. others of us expect constant tension (and thus receive it), turbulence and strife. these ppl are more likely than others to react to daily challenges with self-criticism and criticism of others, blame, negativity, defensiveness, irritability or selfishness.
• these approaches invite a reciprocal response.
• many ppl who brood over imagined conflicts think they will be more aversive than the experience actually turns out to be. reflecting on constructive options is not the same thing as brooding, which usually turns out badly.

Question 9

More Reflections on Your Specific History

continued

Answer 9

• if you grew up in a family with verbal, physical, or sexual abuse was part of the environment, you definitely will have very strong reactions to conflict.
• you may be very watchful, careful to smooth over any signs of discomfort. you may have learned to take the abuse to protect others in the family. you may feel guilt at the inevitable failure of that strategy. maybe you waited until you were old enough and then left to go to work get married or to attend school. perhaps you learned to escape, either physically or mentally by numbing out, not caring or thinking of something else to forget the conflict.
• children of violent homes have developed many strategies for dealing with their dangerous backgrounds
• some victims of violence learn to use violence in a “first strike capability” mode. they intend never again to be taken by surprise.
• your current living situation certainly influences your methods of handling conflict. if you are with ppl with whom you feel safe and supported, you can experiment with new styles. if not, you will experience less freedom, possibly relying on what you already know how to do.
• similarly, some work situations encourage constructive or destructive conflict, whereas others reward some ppl for silence and withdrawal. all of these factors of our own personal history feed into our expectations and actions when we are in conflict situations.

Question 10

More Reflections on Your Specific History

continued

Answer 10

• we encourage you to understand yourself and your history while you are learning to change conflicts and gain confidents in your new repertoire of interpersonal conflict skills. the authors of this book often undertake a self-review of conflict influences. these influences change in importance over our lives.
• for Joyce, the major influence on her approach to conflict were the experiences of her father being terminated bc of conflict over social justice issues and the way her parents coached the three siblings to talk things out and never fight in an aggressive way.
• her early training in leadership development placed her in a coaching and teaching role as early as junior high. she gained humility when intimate relationships ended or changed even when good skills and good will were employed. she later practiced mediation and clinical psychology, often serving as an analyst and coach for others.
• for Bill, he grew up in a family that totally avoided all conflict so he though avoidance was the only option. in college, he became an intercollegiate debater and developed the ability to argue with others. he now practices neither avoiding nor attacking-but pushes himself to collaborate with others in all situations, work and private. he helps parties who need coaching and mediation

Question 11

Your Worldview Affects How You Think and Feel about Conflict

Answer 11

• one’s worldview shapes conflict resolutions. Goldberg’s example helps us think about the crucial function of understanding worldviews. a national American tribe had been embroiled for years with the fed gov over the issue of permanent residence on their traditional land. over time, they spent much of their time arguing about the right to build permanent housing. when the mediator working with the tribe and the government asked tribal leaders why they wanted permanent homes, she was surprised to hear that they did NOT want permanent housing. instead, they wanted the right to migrate to the mountains in the the season, using temporary housing during the winter. the government only understood “permanent housing” as a persuasive argument since their worldview assumed that “legal right to reside” meant “permanent housing” the tribe had adapted what they really wanted, a legal right to use their land to accommodate to an alien worldview.
• worldview can be defined as the cognitive, ethical, and perceptual frames of an individual.

one’s world view is made up of the following components

• a view of what is real and important in the universe.
• a view of how people and objects are supposed to relate to each other
• a view of what part of the universe is more valuable than another
• a view about how you know what you know (epistemology)
• a view about how people should act (ethical worldview)

Question 12

Your Worldview Affects How You Think and Feel about Conflict
(continued)

Answer 12

• worldviews are evidenced by how ppl tel the story of a conflict. narratives, or the way ppl tell their stories, reveal the views of the universe and how ppl should act. in addition, metaphors used by ppl tell how they experience conflict and how important believes are connected.
• two examples will give you some idea about how narratives of conflict work.
• in a government org, a hispanic employee, a woman close to retirement, was given a poor performance review. she explained that her mother had cancer and thats she was her primary caregiver, while at the same time, her son had gotten in trouble with the law and was on probation to his mother’s house. at work, Consuela took frequent phone calls, often missed work and asked peers to explain technical procedures relating to budget analysis many times. finally, her peers became fed up and went to the manager, Keith, how began a detailed documentation of her work problems so he could keep a paper trail and fire her.
• she told her assigned employee assistant that she was concerned about her own cognitive ability, her stress level and her work-life balance. Keith told the counselor that he though Consuela was taking advantage of a humane policy at the agency, was relying on her peers to give her info that she should have and that she showed no motivation to her work.
• clearly, Keith and Consuela, through their stories, experienced a clash of world views. Consuela valued family needs and work-life balance. she assumed that co-workers were glad to help out in a stressful time, as they had done in the past. Keith’s worldview put performance first. He expected family needs to be taken care of at times other than work, and he expected individuals to know their own jobs without needs to consult with peers about required info. thus, Consuela thought she might be going crazy while Kieth though she lacked work ethic. in this particular situation, Keith, being the manager, prevailed and ultimately fired Consuela.
• your worldview might lead you to assume that conflict is generally a negative experience.

Question 13

Negative Views of Conflict

Answer 13

• several well-known cultural cliches present a fairly clear pic of how many of us were taught to think about conflict “pick on somebody your own size” “if you can’t say anything nice don’t say anything at all” “don’t hit girls” “don’t rock the boat” “children should be seen not heard” “sticks and stones make bread my bones but words will never hurt me”
• all of these sayings give a bit of philosophy about conflict, regarding with whom to fight, permissible conflict behavior, when to engage in conflict, and the power of words in conflict behavior.
• all of the sayings make assumptions that are not helpful to ppl who want to learn to carry out productive conflict behavior.
• many view conflict as an activity that is almost completely negative and has no redeeming qualities. some take the attitude that what the world needs now is good communication that if ppl could just understand each other, they wouldn’t experience conflict. while there is an increasing awareness of the potentially positive features of conflict when done skillfully, many widely accepted assumptions continue to work against a positive view of conflict.

Question 14

Negative Views of Conflict

continued

Answer 14

• some of the most common negative views of conflict are presented here.
  1. harmony is normal and conflict is abnormal: observation of ppl in relationships shows that conflict is not a temporary aberration. it alternates with harmony in an ebb and flow pattern. but common expressions such as I’m glad things are back to normal around here or lets get back on track express the assumption that conflict is not the norm.
  2. conflict constitutes a breakdown of communication: designating conflict as a breakdown assumes that communication itself does not occur, but communication alas occurs in an interpersonal conflict. often more com. makes the conflict worse. the recipe add communication into the breakdown doesn’t work out well. breakdown you will notice, assumes that ppl are like machines, a doubtful worldview.
  3. communication and disagreements are the same thing: often we mistakenly assume that we aren’t having a conflict, we are just disagreeing. sometimes this is true. as we described in ch. 1 conflicts are more serious than disagreements. the attempt to label a real conflict as a disagreement may be an ineffective strategy to minimize the conflict.
  4. conflict is a result of personal pathology: conflict is often described as sick and conflict p’s may be labeled as neurotic, whining, hostile, paranoid egomaniacs, antisocial, dependent, codependent, or enabling. labels offer no substitute for a careful analysis of the elements of the conflict. conflict results more often from a lack of appropriate personal power and a lack of self-esteem than from someone with a sick personality. in studying conflict, ppl’s behaviors should be described, not their overall personalities. sometimes ppl are so stuck in a destructive pattern that they can’t change and they can’t participate in collaboration. but the process of conflict itself should not be viewed as pathological. ppl engage in conflict for understandable reasons. if someone is rigid hey may have too much or too little power. if someone is defensive they may be under attack or expect to be threatened.

Question 15

Negative Views of Conflict

continued

Answer 15

5. conflict should never be escalated: sometimes the most productive choice is to temporarily make the conflict larger so it can be seen, dealt with, and given importance. sometimes an escalation is unavoidable and can’t be suppressed without relationship damage. conflict skills include learning to make enough noise to be heard and to make conflict big enough to be seen. ppl of lower power band together to confront higher-power ppl sometimes so justice will be served. sometimes ppl with higher power take a stand to make a conflict larger bc they believe it’s the right thing to do.
6. conflict interaction should be polite and orderly: overly nice com. of any kind ensures a lack of authentic interchange. productive conflict management often is chaotic and confusing. private arguments, especially, seldom conform to public standards of reasonableness, consistency or relevance in argumentation. with intensity, com. becomes less strategic and rational and more emotionally expressive and personal. a good conflict is not necessarily a nice conflict, although the more ppl use productive com, the more likely that the conflict will both solve problems and help the relationship go forward.
   - anger is the only emotion in conflict interaction: another misconception is that primary emotion associated with conflict is anger, or hostility. many emotions accompany conflict. many of us are familiar with the heated, gut-wrenching feelings that come with conflict. yet ppl often experience loneliness, sadness, anxiety, disappointment, and resentment, to name only a few other feelings.
   - in our society, adults are not encouraged to acknowledge fears, loss, feelings of abandonment, and loneliness. as a result, ppl talk about their conflict in terms of anger and heartbreak or loss. in conflict, the emotional connection is altered between ppl. as the relationship changes to one of distance, the natural give and take that use to come easily is lost and they experience bitterness, anger, sadness, and other emotions. the loss of a positive emotional bond remains on the most painful experiences of humankind.
7. a correct method for solving conflict is prescribed: Americans tend to resolve disputes, at least in public, one of four ways - fight, vote, litigate, or appeal to various authorities. these approaches assume that someone will win and someone will lose and that all will accept the process and abide by its outcome. ppl appear more threatened by the change in process than by the possible outcomes of the decision. in daily life subordinates subvert managers, children disobey parents, and coalitions form after votes are taken, essentially changing the meaning o the vote. ppl assent with half a heart and then fight against the agreement with all their strength. sometimes the best method for resolving disputes is not apparent, which leads to a struggle over how to struggle. rather than being viewed as a waste of time, conflict should be viewed as multilayered.

Question 16

Positive Views of Conflict

Answer 16

• the above set of common assumptions reflects the predominant mode of though in the contemporary West, at least in the dominant culture. however, many societies, including our own, express contradictory views of conflict - sometimes it is bad, sometimes it is good. we may grow up with a confusing perspective on when conflict is helpful or when it should be avoided. we learn few strategies for changing conflict situations from harmful ones to productive ones. children may receive confusing messages about their conduct of conflict. sports are all right, but violence outside of sports isn’t.
• ppl in power send two different messages first one is to fight and stand up for yourself and the second is to only do so when it is acceptable. thus, ppl develop mixed feelings about conflict and many simply learn to avoid it altogether.
• yet their are some positive approaches to conflict: it can be viewed as exciting, intimate, enriching, challenging, clarifying, energizing, creative, stimulating, helpful, opportunity, courageous, strengthening, etc
• one of the assumptions of this book is that conflict can be associated with all of the above words. conflict does receive some positive endorsement in legal challenges and competition in business. in games, children learn that hitting hard and fighting to win are positive virtues. strategizing, scheming, and maximizing your gains are also necessary. conflict can be approached from a potentially positive perspective.

Question 17

Positive Views of Conflict

continued

Answer 17

1. conflict is inevitable; therefore the constructive way to approach conflict is a fact of life: too often ppl blame others for conflict, assuming, as we saw above that harmony is the norm. if you can accept that conflict is inevitable, you can calm down and use your problem solving skills rather than expending effort in blame and avoidance.
2. conflict serves the function of bringing problems to the table: in intimate relationships, it can make clear that there are issues to be solved. many times in couple relationships, conflict emerges over division of labor and other distribution of power. when couples report high levels of problem severity, they are more likely to divorce. one rule of thumb we have developed is that if a conflict occurs three times it isn’t about the content, it may be about power, self esteem or relationship issues such as hurts from the past.
3. conflict often helps ppl join together and clarify their goals: many times ppl keep on doing things the same old way until there is a conflict. when this arises, they must determine their priorities and how to use their resources. in one organization, a group of nurses were told they must function with a nursing supervisor. they were told by upper management to work out their own schedules and assignments as a team. as they struggled with more work and fewer paid hours available, after a period of several months of blaming and complaining, they met as a team and worked out the issues. while the initial reduce in resources was not all desirable, they now work effectively as a team.
4. conflict can clear out resentments and help ppl understand each other: in a conflict, one cannot continue to go along as though one’s own perspective is the only one. when others speak up and saw what they need, want, think and feel, the circle of understanding is often expanded beyond the individual. even tho it may be hard, conflict can help ppl pay attention to other POVs

Question 18

Insights from Metaphors

Answer 18

• we try to make sense out of the disturbing, difficult experience of conflict by comparing one’s current experience to something else we understand. when ppl compare one thing to another, we often use metaphors to crate a kind of compact, vivid shorthand description of a complicated process.
• metaphors provide imaginative descriptions of emotional experiences. they distill the assumptions about the way we think. our way of thinking depends on metaphoric language. conflict elicits such strong feelings that metaphors arise in every day speech, often taking its creator as well as its hearers, quite by surprise.
• Aristotle understood analogy or metaphor to be the source of truths and mark of genius. if this is true, you are a genius, bc you certainly use metaphors.
• conflict metaphors reflect and create certain kinds of communication.
• the way conflict is expressed metaphorically creates a certain perception of what can happen what will happen what should happen and with what kind of feeling behavior takes place.
• a manger described his office as a windmill with ppl going around in circles above the ground not knowing what that the pope connecting the windmill wheel to the underground well has been severed. you can pictures the pointless, aimless effort in the office, the sense of purposelessness, and even the dry, arid quality of the human interactions. nothing lifegiving is coming from the work.

Question 19

Insights from Metaphors:

Metaphors Reflecting Danger

Answer 19

• many images and expression of conflict cast such a negative tone that creativity is stifled. danger metaphors imply that the outcome is predetermined with little possibility for productive conflict management.
• metaphors expressing that conflict bring a danger warning about the costs and consequences of conflict. in win-lose conflicts, what one person wins the other person, by necessity, loses. a scarce amount of resources is distributed, usually unevenly, among the p’s
• one of the main reasons conflict brings up so many emotions is that ppl assume that they have so much to lose. sometimes, that is true. other times, that assumption can be changed.
• when metaphors emphasize danger rather than opportunity, the language of conflict narratives serves to warn ppl way from engaging in conflict. listen for how conflict is described’ you will noticed evocative metaphors. some of them follow:

Question 20

Insights from Metaphors:

Metaphors Reflecting Danger - Conflict is Warlike and Violent

Answer 20

• war, with its violence, is the central metaphor of conflict. the following phrases regarding conflict reflect the metaphor of war and violence.
• your actions are completely indefensible; he attacked me where I was most vulnerable, through my kids; that criticism is right on target; OK, shoot; I feel beaten down and defeated after our talk; He is killing me
• when conflict is envisioned as warlike, certain actions seem natural. in a staff meeting, for ex., accusations are “hurled back and forth” as if primitives are bashing each other with stones. if arguments are felt to be “right on target” then the whole melee is structured as battle.
• the scene is that of a battlefield; the actors are ppl of warring groups who are committed to wiping each other out. the acts aim to produce an advantage by killing or reducing the effectiveness of the opponent. the resolution possibilities are reduced to offense and defense and the purpose os harm or vengeance.
• the war metaphor influences the entire perception of the conflict. both winning and losing sides feel incomplete; victors desire more power and losers shore up their defense for the next attack.
• if you org uses a “chain of command” gives ppl “orders” “attacks competitors” “wages advertising or public relations campaigns” “fires traitors” “employs diversionary tactics” or “launches assaults” then the org has evolved a military metaphor for conflict management.
• if so, conflict is likely to be solved the way it would be if one were on a battlefield.
• couples talk in war like terms too. they may say things like I just retreated. I fall back and regroup. then I wait for an opening. He runs over me when I cry and get confused. when I don’t want it to come to blows, I launch a diversionary tactic like telling the kids are calling me.
• chronic use of military of violent metaphors limits creative problem solving. however, other metaphors are needed to capture different realities that exist right alongside those military ones

Question 21

Insights from Metaphors:

Metaphors Reflecting Danger - Conflict is Bullying

Answer 21

• in an existing analysis of metaphors that explain workplace bullying, vivid and painful images of being hunted “everybody’s fair game” and experiencing abuse I’ve been ripped, broken, beaten, etc., emerged from the question “what does bullying feel like?”
• p’s spoke of a dictator lording it over the slaves. on worker said you little have a hitler running around down there who’s a mile away from the management who can’t see it (the bullying)
• the same researches her bullies described as an evil demons and a Jekyll and Hyde character who was entirely unpredictable. low power ppl described themselves as a piece of property, slaves, and caged animals. ppl referred to themselves as prisoners doing time
• conflict imaged this way, as a drama of bullying, implies an extreme power difference. the winner takes all in a bullying scenario.

Question 22

Insights from Metaphors:

Metaphors Reflecting Danger - Conflict is Explosive

Answer 22

• following phrases described the process of explosive conflicts
• he’s about to blow up any little thing will set him off, he’s got a short fuse, the pressures building up so fast that something’s gotta give soon, I just need to let off steam, she really pushed my button, put a lid on it!
• such perceptions represent the action if ingiting flammable materials (feelings), triggering issues, and setting of an explosion. maybe the pressure builds under the surface like a volcano or in a pressure cooker such as an overcrowded office. ppl often say they blew their stacks in repose to an event. if ppl act out explosive conflicts, they often see them as somehow out of their control. “he touched it off, not me”
• the exploder may feel better after a release of pressure; the ppl in the area may feel blown away.
• this metaphor emphasizes danger in conflict. p’s can image resolving the issue only by blowing up or by avoiding touching it off
• additionally, ppl with explosive tempers are often relieved of their own responsibility to do something about the buildup of tension before they have to blow up.
• family members are taught to keep from making dad or mom mad so they learn that conflict can be avoided by not provoking someone thus keeping the peace. family systems theorists have labeled this pattern as one of the destructive patterns of codependence.- of taking too much responsibility for the actions of others.

Question 23

Insights from Metaphors:

Metaphors Reflecting Danger - Conflict Is a Trial

Answer 23

• the legal system give a regulated, commonly accepted system for managing social conflict. the system as evolved over years and serves our culture well in many instances. Western society has come to rely too much on the legal system, partly as a result of the breakdown of community and personal modes of managing conflict.
• thus, legal terms creep into personal or org conflict metaphors since at least the legal system has firm rules and expectations. phrases like the following show that legal metaphors may be shaping conflict behavior and conflict parties believe they are in a trial-like situation
• he’s got the best case, the jury’s still out on this one, you’re accusing me, she’s the guilty party, don’t you dare accuse me
• even in conflicts in romance or friendships, one might take on the role of the prosecuting attorney on the role of the defender of the accused.
• arguments between interdependent ppl often go back and forth as if there will be a judgement of guilt or innocence. but often the jury stays out no judge appears and the case remains unresolved to simmer through the system until another suit (interpersonally) arises.
• courts maintain clearly delineated processes based decisions on law and precedent. interpersonal conflicts don’t have a system of law and order to back up a decision.
• fe trial settle underlying issue sin the conflict in personal relationships. instead partners or friends keep going back to court and keep arguing.
• the legal metaphor does not fit most interpersonal situations, but the p’s act as if it does then remain bitterly disappointed that their case doesn’t carry the day.

Question 24

Insights from Metaphors:

Metaphors Reflecting Danger - Conflict is a Wild Act of Nature

Answer 24

• conflict is expressed as a neg. natural disaster, or at least an uncontrollable act of nature such as a tornado, hurricane, avalanche, flood, etc.
• one telling phrases is that conflict feels like being a rowboat caught in a hurricane. those who feel powerless may 1. take little or not responsibility for their own actions that sustain conflict or 2. feel that the other p has all the choices, or 3. they believe that no one invovled as any choices.
• the best course of action would be to avoid conflict since no positive outcome can be expected.

Question 25

Insights from Metaphors:

Metaphors Reflecting Danger - Conflict is Animal Behavior

Answer 25

• human animals often characterize conflict as something done by other members of the animal realm-not by themselves. ppl may be called “stubborn as a mule” or “butting heads” or conflict may be called a zoo
• you may hear phrases like tearing his throat out slinking around stalking or feeding frenzy
• one worker was labeled as a bully’s chew toy another felt like a caged animal.

Question 26

Insights from Metaphors:

Metaphors Reflecting Danger - Conflict Is a Mess

Answer 26

• conflict is a mess or garbage. let’s not open up that can of warms. they got all that garbage out in the open. things are falling apart around here, everything is disintegrating, ppl will ask to tie up some lose ends
• they may say this is a sticky situation or something stinks around here
• messes are hard to handle bc they spill over into other areas and can’t be contained easily without making bigger messes. a messy conflict usually means one that is full of personal and emotional attachments.
• this metaphor indicates feelings that are judged to be messy or not amendable to rational treatment. if the opposite of a messy conflict is a clean or straightforward one, involving only facts and rationality rather than messing feelings, the only part of the conflict will be resolved.
• the feelings will go underground and create a stink

Question 27

Insights from Metaphors:

Metaphors Reflecting Danger - Conflict Is a Communication Breakdown

Answer 27

• a breakdown in com. is one of the most popular designations of conflict.
• referring to the process as a breakdown implies a telephone like that is down, a computer that own’t communicate, a cell phone that drops calls, a car that won’t run or a difference in language that makes it impossible to communication.
• the implication that a break down can be fixed however, often turns often turns out to be inaccurate. many times ppl communicate clearly in conflict interaction-only to find out that they are in an intractable conflict.
• clarity of com. sometimes improves the process of conflict management greatly, but it’s a mistake to assume that clarity removes conflict.

Question 28

Insights from Metaphors:

Metaphors Reflecting Danger - Conflict Is a Game

Answer 28

• the game, especially the ball game image, is popular. while it is true that games end in victory or defeat, making the overall metaphor win-lose, the process of playing the game can be viewed as offering an opportunity. people bat around ideas, toss the ball into his court, strike out and go make and forth. the game image assumes rules defining the game and limiting the interaction among players. rules define fouls, out of bounds behavior, winning, losing and when the game is over.
• an even more intricate game is chess, which requires the players to keep in mind at all times the predicted moves of the opponent.
• chess is a game that can be only won by a highly developed prediction strategy of the other player. if one doesn’t take account of the opponent, one loses immediately. in chess, everyone plays by the same rules.
• gender issues present dif. levels of danger or opportunity, depending on how strongly parties identify with their gender roles. many men are raised to feel comfortable with the game image, accepting wins and losses as all part of the game.
• many women are less comfortable with the game metaphor insisting on talking about what’s going on which some men see as not playing by the rules.
• an extended study of women engineers fetlcher was told again and again that solving high visibility problems was the way to get ahead. ppl solving problems of this type were referred to as hitting a home run as opposed to being single hitters, who were seen as slow, steady contributors but not the kind of team players that win the promotion game.
• real work was defined as the kind of problem solving that invovled team playing. men consistently were ranked higher in this skill than were women.
• game metaphors reflect opportunities for men and danger for women. regardless of gender, game m’s work poorly in intimate conflicts, since most games provide a winner and loser. in intimate conflicts, if anyone wins, the relationship loses.

Question 29

Insights from Metaphors:

Metaphors Reflecting Danger - Conflict Is a Heroic Adventure

Answer 29

• the hero image is a popular conflict image. the superheroes of western movies, science fiction, myths, and life help scared ppl who find a leader who is bigger and better than them.
• they pledge loyalty to that leader who is bound to protect them. the hero or heroine is one who has found or done something beyond the normal range of experience. a hero is someone who has given his or her life to something bigger than oneself.
• the question is whether the hero or heroine is really a match for the task at hand, can really overcome the dangers, and has the requisite courage, knowledge and capacity to serve.
• the desire to follow a heroic leader emerges in all cultures. in social or political movements, leaders organize the energies of many ppl who overcome many obstacles to reach a common goal. many contemporary films focus on the actions of a hero or heroine who saves a large number of ppl. the limit to his heroic m in conflict resolution is that one can become used to passively watching events happen on TV or film. the spectator feels helpless or unimportant. if the right leader does not emerge, a wonderful chance for change may be lost.
• sometimes in org, the manger or CEO functions as a hero for a while, sheltering and protecting ppl who report to him or her. but if the manager falls in disfavor, a period of distress emerges while new leadership forms. ppl may get stuck in certain roles in the heroic drama such as damsel in distress, knight in shining armor, lieutenant or helper of the great one or victim.
• in conflicts, opportunity is heightened when we are able to play various roles as needed.
• many of the heroic roles specify men as actors. roles such as king, dragon slaver, the long western gunman, the sports hero, the action hero adventure movies are more often filled by men than women.
• however, rushing and frentz indicate that films, especially western and science fiction are providing more and more roles for women.

Question 30

Insights from Metaphors:

Metaphors Reflecting Danger - Conflict is a Balancing Act

Answer 30

• referred to as a delicate balancing act like that of a tightrope walker or that of a rock climber who must find just the right handholds or fall to death. often negotiations in the formative stage are referred to as in a very delicate stage in which one false move with scuttle negotiations
• Satir refers to a family as a mobile, which can be unbalanced by one member’s having too much weight or getting stirred up, thus making the whole mobile swing and sway. working toward balance can present the chance to get to the other side or to rest from working at a problem.
• couples who balance their conflicts with cooperation and collaboration don’t exhaust themselves avoiding or fighting.

Question 31

Insights from Metaphors:

Metaphors Reflecting Danger - Conflict Is a Bargaining Table

Answer 31

• a collaborative approach to c is exemplified by the common m of “the table.” diplomacy, labor negotiations, and parliamentary procedure all use this image. the conflict structure and procedure depend on the table as a central feature.
• families are urged to sit down at the table together, labor and management officials come to the table and diplomats struggle over the shape of actual tables at conferences. these real or imagined tables com information about who the conflict participants will be how they will act and what their placement will be in relationship to each other. chances arise when ppl come to the table and lay their cards on the table
• King Arthur, created a round table to symbolize equal discussion witch each knight having one vote. the idea of right makes might substituted for a time for might makes right. when the federation disintegrated the round table smashed to pieces by dissident knight became a symbol of the disintegration.
• in parliamentary procedure, “tabling a motion” stops movement toward a decision
• “bringing a motion off the table” indicates a readiness to decide.
• “under the table” refers to hidden or secret agreements
• ” turning the tables” comes from a medieval custom of turning from one dinner partner to another to begin convo. it was done in response to other kings or queens gesture. if the tables are turned a person feels a sudden lack of contact or support or loss of an ally
• the table m helps us think about power, especially uneven power. conflict resolution remains hard if ppl are negotiating at an uneven table. ppl may be metaphorically seated at an uneven table if they do not have the skills to negotiate, come from the non dominant culture, hold unequal positions in an org, or do not have the freedom to come and go from the table.

Question 32

Insights from Metaphors:

Metaphors Reflecting Danger - Conflict Is a Tide

Answer 32

• tides ebb and flow within predictable parameters based on the phases of the moon, the climate, the shape of the shoreline and current of ocean. the tides are predictable only through observation and careful record keeping.
• if the r is equal and trusting, like tides, conflict will develop its own rhythm that will not wash away the foundation of the relationship
• conflict will ebb as well as rise. for ex., many families experience more conflict than usual when a college student comes home from the summer to work. after being on their own for years many students experience too many restrictions at home and parents experience what appear to be too little family involvement and accountability on the part of the student.
• man times several high tide conflict experiences prompt a family to reset the expectations and boundaries. then for the rest of the summer, conflict recede to low tide.
• thinking ahead about the possibility helps many family members navigate well through a potentially stormy time.

Question 33

Insights from Metaphors:

Metaphors Reflecting Danger - Conflict Is a Dance

Answer 33

• ppl speak of learning to dance to the same music. in dance, p’s have the learn how close and how far to move, how to regulate distance, when to slow down, speed up, how to maintain contact with partners so you know where they will be and how to end the dance.
• different flourishes and steps can add to the grace and beauty of the dance. dancing can be energetic, stimulating, etc. sometimes one’s partner steps on one’s toes can’t dance very well is awkward or doesn’t know the steps yet. but the whole idea of dancing with partners is to create something beautiful, graceful, and inspiring that depends on each person’s skills, training and expression. dance can give collaborative images of conflict on which to build. conflict envisioned as a dance is reflected in the following statements
• I feel hurried. I need more time
• quit dancing around and come over here and talk with me please
• they’re just do so do ing around
• conflict often feels threatening and aversive. in important relationships, use the skill of maintaining contact, whether close or far, when interaction with your conflict partners. you can find the interaction which ca help you use strategies of opportunity rather than danger.

Question 34

Insights from Metaphors:

Metaphors Reflecting Danger - Conflict Is a Garden

Answer 34

• can be like a carefully cultivated garden. in creative c, as in good gardening, seeds are planted for future growth, pests are managed, weeds are pulled, and the garden is watered when needed. sun and light are needed for the plants to grow and the most fruitful outcomes occur when the conditions are carefully tended.
• if constructive conflict can be seen as a garden, many positive outcomes can be experienced. in good gardening, poisons are not put on the ground, thus rage and attacks, which poison an ongoing relationship, become as unthinkable as putting dry-cleaning fluid on rosebushes.
• in good gardens, individual plants are given room tog row. some plants are thinned to make room for mature plants. in human relationships, ppl learn to leave space for others, to give them room to grow and to plan compatible varieties together.
• as a child you may have learned that no amount of watching beans or carrots in a garden would make them grow any faster. human relationships when in conflict need time to grow slowly to recover from stress and put down roots. we can harvest the fruits of careful labor.

Question 35

Insights from Metaphors:

Metaphors Reflecting Danger - Conflict Resolution as Quilt Making

Answer 35

• piecing together a solution
• we make speak of putting together a patchwork of ideas. when making a quilt ppl have to decide on that basic color scheme the design and what kind of fabric to use. recently quilt making has been studied as an art form pioneered by women. not only did women gather together to make quilt out of scraps, they also engaged in information conciliation around the quilting activity.
• such activities still flourish. community groups have made quilts for aids projects, relief activities, and have raised money for programs. at a quilt workshop or festival, individual projects benefit from the suggestions and appreciations of others.
• in conflicts, appreciation of the other’s efforts helps keep parties engaged in constructive conflict.

Question 36

Insights from Metaphors:

Metaphors Reflecting Danger - Conflict as Musical Improvisation

Answer 36

• conflict can reflect artistry. in certain kinds of music, individual musicians follow the lead of one soloist, picking up on the theme or the rhythm and extending the music. the solo passes around in the ensemble. improvisation depends on core skills. one doesn’t simply create something of nothing. one needs experience and knowledge
• improvisation invovles a transformation a creation or discovery that is dependent on past experience, some existing structure and an understanding of current conditions and needs.
• in drumming circles the rhythms grow out of the shared experience of the rhythm. interpersonal conflict can be like this.
• someone gets a good idea, expresses it and the others rather than insisting on a different melody or rhythm, add in to what has begun.
• dissonance and harmony make interesting music. in improvisation, p’s develop a rhythm in conflict interaction that holds dissonance and resonance together. discordance is balanced with buffers of harmony and cooperation. as in constructive conflict, in improvisation we don’t know how the music will end. we do know that expert musicians (and conflict managers) make the best music.

Question 37

Insights from Metaphors:

Metaphors Reflecting Danger - When Metaphors Differ

Answer 37

• problems occur when ppl envision conflict in different ways. one person may think of conflict as war, with all the attendant warlike images, while the other assumes that conflict is more like a chess game-strategic careful thoughtful and planned.
• in addition to their specific conflict Bart and Lynn are fighting over how to fight; indeed they are fighting over what conflict is and how they experience it. each assumes that the other thinks about conflict in the way he or she does. they could not be farther from the truth as they will probably find out.

Question 38

Listen and learn from Metaphors

Answer 38

• other images of conflict can be detected in ordinary conversation. listen to the way you and others talk, eavesdrop at work, scrutinize news reports, and pay attention to images in films. see if you can determine the metaphor that shapes a particular view about conflict at work, in a family, social group, general public or nation.
• many ppl experience conflict as an endless circle of repetition, going nowhere
• attending to vivid images can stimulate your creativity and help you to sort out which images of conflict are dangerous and limiting and which are helpful and present new opportunities.

Question 39

The Lens Model of Conflict

Answer 39

• the metaphors we use for conflict illuminate our personal ways of viewing conflict interactions. while each conflict episode is unique, common elements underlie all conflicts.
• the building blocks of conflict are represented in figure 2.1, the lens model of conflict. for the sake of simplicity, the lens model will be illustrated with just two conflict parties, though many times there will be more than two parties invovled.
• any conflict can be viewed through (1) communication behaviors and (2) the perceptions of those behaviors
• think of the study of conflict as a view through a lens, like the lens of a camera, or through prescription classes. the lens model specifies that each person views (1) oneself, (2) the other person, and (3) the relationship.
• these perceptual pieces form the fundamental views of all conflicts and combine together to form the mosaic of a particular conflict.

the minimal features of all conflicts are:

• the communicative acts (behaviors) of each person
• the meanings (attributions) attached to those acts by each person: each person’s view on self and each person’s views of the other.
• the meaning (attributions) the two ppl ascribe to the relationship such as past events, current events and future projections

Question 40

The Lens Model of Conflict

continued

Answer 40

• note that each person has a “lens” that gives that person a particular perspective, just as ppl use different types of glasses to see. we all think our view of conflict is real. so do all the other parties.
• perceptions are in fact “real” and must be treated as important data. what you see is all there is, until enough convo occurs to change one’s views of the self, the other and the relationship.
• in Nepal and Tibet, the idea of lens is captured when ppl speak of two sides of seeing something. a person in conflict might say “well, from my say I guess I am getting tired of waiting on him, but I don’t know what is going on from his side”
• the idea of another side begins a helpful process and understanding the other. on side usually does not understand the other side-your lens and his lens distort the events in different ways.

Question 41

The Lens Model of Conflict:

The Dangers of Single Focus

Answer 41

• it’s easy to focus on what your opponent does in a conflict. she leaves you out of a meeting, cuts you off in the middle of an explanation, etc. how easy it is to tell you friend her actions say it all.
• the impact of someone’s actions depends on how the behaviors are interpreted by the other ppl invovled. for ex., Amber and Aaron are attorneys married to each other. at home amber interrupts aaron a lot both push for airtime. for many couples, interruptions mean disrespect. in this case, aaron like’s ambers interruptions, appreciates her passion bc he likes full involvement in the convo. an outside, like a r might have interpreted the interruptions negatively. the relationship view for aaron and amber says interruptions indicate interest.
• another example, when Sydney accidentally steps on Luke he shouts out to her parents that she did that on purpose. and begins crying. his perception of her intent drives his reaction. however, intent does not equal impact
• intent DOES NOT equal impact
• your intent in a conflict will not be the same as the impact on the other person. you may have experienced how futile your words are when you say but I had no intention of hurting you. meaning develops through repeated interactions; all com behavior is interpreted. com. does not speak for itself.
• perceptions of and attributions about behaviors are at the heart of conflict process. research on attribution theory shows quite conclusively that we make different attributions about ourselves than about others. attribution research shows the following:
• we try to make sense out of behavior by looking for causes
• we attribute causes of OUR behavior to external factors (I was under extreme time pressure_
• we attribute causes of other’s behavior to internal factors (she always gets her own way)
• clearly we use dif lens for viewing ourselves than we do for viewing others. when we are exposed to conflict, we tend to attribute any negative effects to the other rather than to ourselves. this tendency explains the familiar refrain of it’s his fault.
• as the stress of conflict increases, blame of others also increases. we begin with an attribution of blame and then choose our next conflict move based on our perception that the other is at fault.
• confounding the problem, we attribute our successes to our own efforts and our failures to external factors. the other party does the same thing. now wonder conflict is so hard.

Question 42

The Lens Model of Conflict:

Identify the Filters on Your Lens

Answer 42

• the lens model illustrates that ppl’s views of self, other and relationships are always, to some degree distorted. additionally, we all filter our own experiences. think about dark glasses that make a landscape hard to see or yellow glasses that make the landscape look brighter.
• our background and biases provide filters on our views of the other. the problem increases - now our lenses are further distorted with filters. if you have ever known both individuals of a broke up romance, you see the complications very clearly. where they once had only good things to say about the other, they now see only negative features. when you talk to both of them after the breakup, their filters are so strong it doesn’t even sound as though they were in the same relationship.
• indeed, they were not since each saw the relationship through his or her own lens. hurt, anger, disappointment, different attributions of communication, and internal sense-making all contribute to drastically dif view of why the breakup happened and who the other person is.
• as you probably know, after a breakup partners seldom repair the lenses; they often carry around a single vision distorted view for the rest of their lives.
• outsiders to a dispute, whether they are r’s agents or friends also bring their own attributions and lenses - adding still other perspectives on he conflict equation.
• an outsider may focus on other issues the two parties are overlooking.
• these three lenses - self, other and relationship - offer disparate pics of any unfolding dispute. notice how different the starting observations are for all the ppl present in any conflict. these lenses are operating at full force. when the categories become rigidly defined, ppl get locked into intense struggles.

Question 43

The Lens Model of Conflict:

Identify the Filters on Your Lens
continued

Answer 43

• in a conflict interaction, you often hear the principle p’s say yeah well that is just your perception. as if the other’s view isn’t relevant. as we have seen, perceptions fuel the dispute engine. r illuminates the importance of perceptions. one consistent finding about married couples is that if they believe they are similar to one another, they are happier. whether or not they are similar is actually irrelevant, their lenses determine their happiness. on the other side of the coin, when you come to see your work relationships or personal relationships as having no hope that believe alone predicts dissolution. as a relationship declines, the individual make fewer joint and more individual attributions.
• the dissolution of a marriage speeds up if the two see it as emanating from individual factors such as personality descriptions or traits.
• if during the first big fight the individuals develop a shared view of what happened, their r is more likely to survive.
• one study of an environmental org and the timber industry found that each side response to, anticipates, and often copies the moves they think the other will make. this same dynamic is present in personal and workplace conflict.
• if you are not in com with the other party, much like the environmentalists and the timber industry, then you mull over the conflict in your own mind. without interaction with each other, the only info you have is what is going on in your own mind - your filter doesn’t have a chance at getting corrected.
• prolonged thinking about disputes in the absence of com focuses individuals on their own perspective and enhances biases toward seeing disputes as serious and holding partners responsible for conflicts. when we run our own stories in our minds, then our views get even more distorted. cloven and roloff found that only 1 percent of the time, individuals reported that they had thought about the conflict from the partner’s view.

Question 44

The Lens Model of Conflict:

Gender Filters

Answer 44

• membership in the gender club exerts a powerful, pervasive influence on your developing conflict repertoire. our own gender and then gender of those with whom you engage in conflict affect your behavior ad your views.
• one of the primary ways to view the role of gender in conflict interaction comes from the communication differences tradition, made popular by scholarly work in com and linguistics. this tradition has taken a separate but equal way of viewing com differences. rather than presenting women as deficient in “general” (male) communication skills or males as lacking important relational skills that women are assumed to possess, both gender based preferences are studied openly.
• gender encompasses both biological and social differences between men and women. biologically, male and females are distinguished based on sexual organs. parents of newborns will look for these that usually define gender. when a new parent says its a girl they are referring to biological markers. gender also entails socially defined gender identity - when you see yourself and others as male or female. these roles are socially constructed, such as when someone says oh he is just a typical boy.
• usually when ppl are talking about conflict, they see biological sex and gender identity as the same. for example, if you say the glass ceiling has finally been broken and a woman can run for president you are treating biological sex and gender identity the same.
• when a male or female undergoes a sex change operation, becoming the opposite gender, this profound change alters others’ expectations of their com behavior.
• such a change in expectations is not always warranted, since individual differences remain more important than biological gender in determining what an individual will do. gender, both how we see ourselves and how we see others, has an impact on conflict behavior bc it is so fundamental. we are socialized into gender clubs.
• in some circumstances, female and male differences doe appear in existing typical conflict interactions. in same sex platonic friendships, men use more competitive strategies with each other than women do. in another study, ppl who came from families of origin categorized as balanced or extreme, referring to their cohesion or flexibility, were given a confrontation task i the lab. men, but not women, from extremely close and extremely flexible (rather than more balanced) families experience more anger and negative NV responses. this may be bc conflict is experienced as a threat to identity. it is possible that women from such families are more used to navigating various relational waters through convo than men, so felt less distress.

Question 45

The Lens Model of Conflict:

```
Gender Filters
continued
~~~

Answer 45

• in lab exercises, men will often exhibit dominating and competitive behavior and women exhibit avoidant and compromising behavior. in real life observations of young girls and boys at age 11, adolescent girls use indirect means of aggression and boys are more physical with aggression. interestingly, both sexes used direct verbal aggression equally. Tannen summarizes her research on gender differences in conflict by concluding that women are more likely to avoid conflict. men are more likely than women to take control of the convo to lead it in the direction they want. however, they expect their female conversational partners to mount some resistance to this effort, as men would be likely to do.
• women often remain in the listening role rather than lecturing, which puts them at a disadvantage in having their voices hear. in orgs, women are more likely to leave than men are when there is ongoing, pervasive conflict. high-status individuals interrupt more than lower status ppl, however, women provided more supportive, clarifying, and mending interruptions than males.
• before we decided that men are like this and women are like this, we need to examine the similarities among men and women’s conflict behaviors. R’s concluded that no meaningful gender differenced in positive affect behavior, influence strategies, autocratic behavior, democratic behavior com, facilitation and leader emergence were found. they report in both survey and observational studies, we discovered were similarities than differences between men and women’s conflict behaviors.
• in an approach called social learning theory, individuals are assumed to learn to be male or female based on communication and observation. they learn gender roles in same sex groups. wood explains that through imitation, young children imitate almost everything they see and hear. however, only gender-consistent com is rewarded by important others around the child. children slowly learn how to be a girl and how to be a boy.

Question 46

The Lens Model of Conflict:

```
Gender Filters
continued
~~~

Answer 46

• culture play san important role in gender development. different valuing of autonomy and dependence is reflected in culturally defined gender roles.
• in western cultures, girls and women are seen as valuing connection with others, the com of care and responsiveness and the preservation of the relationship.
• boys and men are seen as valuing autonomy and independence more highly, learning to com in ways that preserve their independence from others
• one of the main hopes we have as we explore conflict, gender, power and culture is to give each of you the chance to choose from a wide range of com behaviors, whether you are male or female.
• the more choices you have the more likely you are to be able to resolve disputes intelligently and constructively.

Question 47

The Lens Model of Conflict:

Gender Influences Self-Esteem

Answer 47

• research clearly identifies a major slump in self esteem for girls in early adolescence.
• they may not experience a noticeable climb in their self esteem until midlife, when family roles are less stringent and their career development is more in place. boys typically feel more self esteem earlier in their lives but suffer from a sense of failure and disappointment in midlife when they don’t reach their unrealistically high personal goals.
• one of the tenets of this book is that all conflict are about two issues: power and self esteem. both genders are limited by self esteem issues, perhaps at different times in their lives.
• on finding seems clear on a worldwide basis however: men have more power culturally, even in highly educated countries as the Scandinavian countries
• therefore, women and men often sit at an uneven table. l
• gender differences depend partly on maturity and experience. one study shows experienced managers manifesting no gender differences in style but among participants without managerial experience, women rated themselves are more integrating, obliging, and compromising than did men.
• in a negotiating context, women are not necessarily more fair minded or compassionate than men. it may well be that most of the effects ascribed to gender are due to other relationship factors such as power, gender of the opponent, prior moves of the other and so on.
• in addition to particularly directing behaviors, gender often affects how on interprets conflict behaviors. as we have seen, males and females tend to differ in seeing self and other as connected. even when actual behaviors may see identical, for example, negotiating competitively, men and women often conceptualize the relationship differently

Question 48

The Lens Model of Conflict:

Gender Influences Self-Esteem
continued

Answer 48

• women tend to see the self-in-relationship with everyone affecting everyone else. one’s self is formed and enacted in various relationships. men are more likely to see the self as independent, not as connected to specific relationships.
• for effective conflict management, we must have both separate voices and a view that we are connected.
• when we see the self-in0relationship as a theoretical starting point, it allows us to concentrate on the following dimensions of conflict:
• interdependence rather than power over others.
• mutual empathy as the basis for understanding and communicating
• relational self-confidence instead of separate self-esteem (autonomy)
• constructive conflict instead of domination
• staying engaged with others while in conflict
• valuing separate knowing and connected knowing
• utilizing both report and rapport talk
• continuing dialogue when there is disagreement
• models of constructive conflict are built on the ideas of partnership and self-in-relationships. recent r has shown that the human brain is designed to act in relationship with others; to act in an overly independent way goes against the hard wiring of the brain. self-in-relationships ideas underlie the development of constructive conflict practices.
• filters offer at least two effects on our understanding of conflict. first, many of the studies trying to pinpoint conflict behaviors are based on differences as perceived by the respondents of surveys. for example, most of the studies that find male-female differences in conflict choices ask college students to answer in general rather than for a particular conflict. college students have stereotyped believe that there are gender differences and as a result they report behavior differences when they may not be present.
• they may also answer according to how they would like to see themselves or how most women and men their age see themselves. their filters for seeing self and other influence the studies looking for behavior differences in women and men.
• gender filters also effect our understanding of conflict bc our filters may affect our behaviors. when feeling powerless, males tend to state their position and offer logical reasons to support it. women’s approaches depend on the gender of the opponents. and other r’s put it, men may use a more independent criterion for managing conflict and women are more interdependent when dealing with conflict.
• women will choose responses based on interpersonal obligations, and men based on the offended person’s rights. as a result of their focus on relationships, females in conflict seem to exhibit fewer self-presentational actions.
• in preschool children ages three to five, for ex., Sheldon notes that young girls expressions of self interested are often mashed when an expression of communal interest. R also shows that women in lesbian relationships may benefit from both being female in that they have more optimism about conflict resolution.
• the filters we used, based on gender, affect how we enact conflict behaviors.

Question 49

Culture Filters

Answer 49

• who knows but one cultures, knows no culture - Augsburger
• each of us experience cultural diversity at some level about 150 dif languages are spoken in the Us. the Us has become more influence by Hispanic cultures each year. it is becoming less of a Western European offshoot in many ways, making the recognition of cultural filters essential.
• one of the primary tasks we have in the us is to de-westernize communication research in all areas of com study, including interpersonal conflict.
• in the western world, we must go far beyond simply adapting to other cultures, including cultures inside the us. we must develop a lens that helps us know that if one is a member of the dominant culture, one cannot know the experiences of ppl in non-dominant cultures without authentic dialogue and de-westernized research.
• what compromises a conflict in one culture is a daily difference of opinion in another. a serious insult in one setting, crossing one’s leg or showing the sole of one’s foot for example, - is a mater of comfort in another. an arrogant challenge in one culture - putting one’s hand on one’s hip - in a sign of openness in another. a normal pathway for de-escalating a conflict in one society - feeling the scene of an accident - constitutes a serious offense in another. human boundaries are cultural creations - social boundaries, legal boundaries and emotional boundaries are all drawn according to one’s culture’s values myths and preferences.
• using r with South Koreans showed that Americans (from low-context culture) see nothing wrong with communicating directly. North Americans tend to be instrumental, task oriented, in their com., believing that the best way to handle conflict is to communication directly and clearly. South Koreans who are from a high-context culture, more easily feel shame when problems are pointed to directly. shame could easily cause them to withdraw from a relationship, leaving the conflict unresolved.
• conflict behavior is not easily predicted by country of origin. in general, two kids of cultures exist: individualistic and collectivistic. communicating across cultures is a kind of intergroup com. one of the problems we encounters is that communicating with strangers (their term for ppl from other cultural groups than one’s own) becomes more and more the norm as our worldwide com becomes more rapid and frequent.
• those of us in largely western, individualistic cultures must come to an understanding about the values and expectations of those in collectivistic cultures.
• for ex., prevention of conflict is much more likely to occur in Japan, China, and Thailand (collectivistic cultures) than in individualistic cultures. but each culture uses a wide variety of ways to manage conflict.
• these ways are taught from childhood to person in the culture so that they become the expectations for how conflict is conducted.
• yet: these cultures, for instance Nigeria (a non-Asian collectivistic culture) and Canada (an individualistic society) do NOT teach their members to take neatly predictable opposite approaches.

Question 50

Culture Filters 
(continued)

Answer 50

• westerns now understand that in many Asian cultures, self-expression is frowned upon if it does not further the needs of the group. in the west, in general, autonomy and self expression are regarded more highly. therefore, for westerns to assume that individual expression is of higher value than harmony in the larger group is to remain in a western, ethnocentric mode.
• culturally, it may be for westerners that harmony is achieved by explicit expression of individual emotion. avoidance, which is prized in some other cultures, may escalate conflict in the us.
• the us can be described generally as an individualistic culture. a person is supposed to say what he or she means and resolve disagreements through the use of power (as in competition) or by working things out together (collaboration)
• in this type of culture, things are discussed and spelled out rather that supported by culturally defined, subtle nuances of interaction. this approach to resolving differences and com. relies on assertiveness, relatively equal power and freedom from fear of reprisal.
• since these attributes are seldom present, however, us culture rewards actions that are, for some ppl in the culture, stressful or even impossible.
• one of the most frequent shocks experienced by Japanese coming to US is the resilience of friendships in the face of such strong clashes of opinion: friends are able to confront each other to vigorously exchange contradicting views and continue to be close friends ins spite of their differences.
• in situations in which ppl enjoy approximately equal power and understand the rules of interaction easily and well, the ideal of clarify and expressiveness works well. but when there is not a common based of assumptions, one’s assertiveness can backfire.
• in more collectivistic cultures, discrepancies abound btwn what is meant and what is actually said. disagreements are resolved through avoidance or accommodation resulting in considerable face saving.
• nuances of com take on major importance, along with expected ways of behaving and working out problems. ppl do not confront others assertively and directly to do so is considered rude and arrogant.
• in collectivistic cultures, members rely heavily on inferred meaning, whereas in individualistic cultures, members strive for an understanding of the LITERAL meaning.
• com r’s have provided a clear summary of some differences between the two cultures. table 2.1 shows the differences in com strategies, direct and open compared to ambiguous and indirect.
• no wonder cross-cultural com is getting more and more attention; we certainly need all of the help we can get.
• in individualistic cultures: many individuals are high in internal control, who emphasize private goals, pay attention to what the person does rather than who the person is and where one finds more alienated and rootless individuals, where ppl think that decision made by individuals are better than decisions made by groups, where going one’s way and not paying attention to the view of others is acceptable, where personal enjoyment is emphasized, where friendship is a matter of personal choice.
• in collectivistic cultures: there is assumption that maintaining a strong group is the best guarantee of individual freedom, there is a strong emphasis on doing what the in-group specifies; shame and loss of face are mechanisms of self-control, there is sometimes the tyranny of the group, interpersonal relations are an end in themselves, there are narrow in-groups, there is a concept of limited good, there are more ppl under external control or motivation, ppl tend to think that planning is a waste of time, goals tend to be group rather than individual, who does something is more important that what she/he does.

Question 51

Culture Filters 
(continued)

Answer 51

• in addition to bridging the gaps between cultures, we need much more exploration of cultural diversity within the US. man cultural groups share some of the features of mainstream US culture, yet are distinct in ways that make conflict management and mediation of their disputes challenging to someone from the dominant culture.
• whatever set of assumptions you choose to use, each framework places boundaries on constructive conflict management. sometimes effective management require ppl to be clear, direct and assertive and other times deferring until the time is right focusing primarily on relationship components and thinking of indirect ways to manage the dispute is best of one culture.
• one major problem in individualistic cultures is that we receive little training in the search for commonly acceptable solutions. if three ppl want different things, often the problem is resolving by competing to see who is the strongest or a person has to have enough power to persuade others to go along with a search for a collaborative solution. therefore, many potentially collaborative ideas generated by low-power ppl are seen as unimportant.
• in US students are often taught that directness, ease in public clarify of expression, assertiveness and the ability to argue are well prerequisites to participation in conflict management. indeed, in many contexts these skills are essential. however, for those who hold lower power positions, this is a hard skill set to learn. to correct this imbalance, we need to focus on indirect communication skills for ppl in high power positions. both high and low power ppl contribute to the tangles that occur in interpersonal conflict and both must participate better in conflict management.
• cultural considerations include NV com., concepts of time such as lateness or promptness, places of meeting or talks, whether content, relationships, identity and process issues can be separated or not; and face saving.
• in china, ppl in the younger generation prefer more direct talk than those that are older - even within a given culture there will be differences.
• southern and northern states may experience conflict different. northerners use small doses of anger, rudeness and confrontational behavior to send a message to someone to change behavior - southerners are less likely to send a warning signal.
• a cultural politeness may cover escalating anger, but then the anger erupts quickly. r’s have called this the “culture of honor” - anger is suppressed and the escalates quickly

Question 52

Culture Filters 
(continued)

Answer 52

• your filters based on your culture influence how you interpret others. each cultural filter influences our perceptions of others’ behaviors and therefore is a key to attributions we make. may see someone from collectivistic culture are having no backbone and may see someone from individualistic culture as being rude or insensitive
• if we want to make more accurate attributions and meaning of others’ behavior - we need to translate, interpret, and become fluent is several “conflict dialects”.
• without awareness of cross cultural com., one will remain ethnocentric and trapped in the assumption of one own’s culture and be biased against ppl from other groups with dif assumptions about behaviors.
• include cultural and power issues in your analysis of conflict management.

Question 53

SUMMARY

Answer 53

• conflict is an important area of study bc we all face it as we move through our interpersonal, family and work lives. your personal history, such as your family of origin and other influences makes a difference in how you respond to conflict.
• perceptions about conflict, whether it is an activity to be avoided or sought out and whether it is negative or positive, develop over one’s lifetime.
• the way one tells stories or narrates conflicts gives much important info about the conflict itself. in this process, refined images or metaphors developed in one’s imagination and language that give shape and meaning to conflict episodes. metaphors generally present conflict in either a dangerous or a situation presenting opportunity.
• the lens model of conflict provides a framework for viewing how gender and culture (1) shape behaviors and (2) influence perceptions of others’ communication behavior.
• gender often plays a key role in the behaviors one chooses in conflict, and also influences how one sees others.
• finally, one’s culture (individualistic or collectivistic) affects one’s behavior and one’s perceptions of others in conflict.
• we live in a cobweb of relationships. when you die you are finally free of this cobweb of relationship-which you leave to your children to carry on - Hiroko Takada

Question 54

Individualistic Cultures

Answer 54

Why?

• analytic, linear logic
• instrumental orientated
• dichotomy between conflict and conflict parties
• individual-orientated
• low-collective normative expectations
• violations of individual expectations create conflict potentials.

What?
- Revealment

How?

• direct, confrontational attitude
• action and solution orientated
• explicit com. modes
• line-logic styles
• ration, factual rhetoric
• open, direct strategies

Question 55

Collectivistic Cultures

Answer 55

Why?

• synthetic, spiral logic
• expressive orientated
• integration of conflict and parties
• group-orientated
• high-collective and normative expectations
• violations of collective expectations crate conflict potentials

What?
- Concealment

How?

• indirect, non-confrontational attitude
• face and relationship oriented
• implicit communication modes
• point-logic styles
• intuitive, affective rhetoric
• ambigious, indirect strategies