Chapter 14: Maintaining and Repairing Flashcards
Differences between EFT and behavioral approaches include…
focus on emotions vs behaviors; EFT’s goal is to increase the partner’s attachment security
What is emotion coaching?
enhancing emotion-focused coping by helping people become aware of, accept, and make sense of their emotional experience
What are types of couples therapy?
- Emotion-Focused
- Behavioral
- Traditional
- Cognitive
- Integrative - Communication
Emotion-focused couples counseling
good relationships are built on secure attachments (engaged and emotionally responsive); therapist as emotion coach; helps client become aware of emotions, accept emotions, and understand emotions (arriving and leaving); emotional awareness -> regulation -> transformation
Traditional Behavioral Couples Therapy
couples need to replace maladaptive behaviors with adaptive behaviors; if you change behaviors, perceptions and feelings will also change
Cognitive-behavioral couples therapy
change thoughts and appraisals of the relationship, and behavior and emotion will also change; focus on selective attention and expectations; each person tracks thoughts and then tests them
Integrative behavioral couples therapy
adds in component of emotional acceptance; acceptance of one’s own and partner’s imperfections; empathetic joining, unified detachment, tolerance building
Communication training
learning and practicing how to communicate your needs effectively (stop mindreading); knowing when to engage and disengage; listening skills; negotiating
Reasons for self-sabotaging romantic relationships
fear; difficulty with self-esteem and negative self-concept; broken trust; high expectations; lack of relationship skills
Strategies for relationship maintenance
trust; communication; commitment; safety; acceptance
Differences between couples counseling and individual therapies
couple sessions can be scenes of rapid escalation; conflicting goals for each partner (attribution errors)
Good practices in couples counseling
not taking sides; offer structure; have the couple talk to each other, not you
Corrective communication
active listening; I-statements; XYZ statements; validation
Caryl Rusbult’s Investment Mode
“unfortunately, simply understanding how people come to love their partners and feel satisfied with their relationships is not sufficient to explain how and why some relationships not only persist but thrive whereas others do not”
- need to look at several behaviors
1 - Staying committed
When people see a future with their partners, they perceive themselves, their partners, and their relationship in ways that help to sustain the partnership and work to defuse or avoid conflict in ways that enrich the relationship
Cognitive Maintenance Mechanisms
cognitive interdependence
- think of themselves not as separate individuals but as part of a greater whole that includes the and their partner
positive illusions
- idealizing each other and perceiving the relationship in the best light possible
- faults are relatively trivial
- misbehavior is written off
perceived superiority
- they think their relationships are better than those of other people (specific type of positive illusion)
inattention to alternatives
- Committed partners pay less heed to the other potential partners that are available to them.
- uninterested and unaware of how well they could be doing in alternative relationships
derogation of tempting alternatives
- allows people to feel that other potential partners are less attractive than the ones they already have
Behavioral Maintenance Mechanisms
willingness to sacrifice
- putting the well-being of the relationship ahead of one’s own self-interest
Michelangelo phenomenon
- committed partners help us to grow, endorsing new roles and responsibilities
accommodation
- the process by which the eye’s lens changes shape to focus near or far objects on the retina
play
- engage in activity for enjoyment and recreation rather than a serious or practical purpose
forgiveness
- quickens the healing of both the relationship and the partner who was wronged
2 - Staying Content
positivity, assurances, sharing tasks, openness, support
Repairing relationships
regular maintenance helps keep relationships in good condition, but they may still break down and need repair
*Focus on “we” not “me”
*Increase positivity
*Decrease negativity
*Express love and affection
*Exercise self-control
Fixing relationships
- Do it Yourself (television, self-help books, podcasts)
- Preventative Maintenance - periodic inspection and repair designed to keep equipment reliable
- Marital Therapy
