Chapter 14: Maintaining and Repairing

Question 1

Differences between EFT and behavioral approaches include…

Answer 1

focus on emotions vs behaviors; EFT’s goal is to increase the partner’s attachment security

Question 2

What is emotion coaching?

Answer 2

enhancing emotion-focused coping by helping people become aware of, accept, and make sense of their emotional experience

Question 3

What are types of couples therapy?

Answer 3

1. Emotion-Focused
2. Behavioral
   - Traditional
   - Cognitive
   - Integrative
3. Communication

Question 4

Emotion-focused couples counseling

Answer 4

good relationships are built on secure attachments (engaged and emotionally responsive); therapist as emotion coach; helps client become aware of emotions, accept emotions, and understand emotions (arriving and leaving); emotional awareness -> regulation -> transformation

Question 5

Traditional Behavioral Couples Therapy

Answer 5

couples need to replace maladaptive behaviors with adaptive behaviors; if you change behaviors, perceptions and feelings will also change

Question 6

Cognitive-behavioral couples therapy

Answer 6

change thoughts and appraisals of the relationship, and behavior and emotion will also change; focus on selective attention and expectations; each person tracks thoughts and then tests them

Question 7

Integrative behavioral couples therapy

Answer 7

adds in component of emotional acceptance; acceptance of one’s own and partner’s imperfections; empathetic joining, unified detachment, tolerance building

Question 8

Communication training

Answer 8

learning and practicing how to communicate your needs effectively (stop mindreading); knowing when to engage and disengage; listening skills; negotiating

Question 9

Reasons for self-sabotaging romantic relationships

Answer 9

fear; difficulty with self-esteem and negative self-concept; broken trust; high expectations; lack of relationship skills

Question 10

Strategies for relationship maintenance

Answer 10

trust; communication; commitment; safety; acceptance

Question 11

Differences between couples counseling and individual therapies

Answer 11

couple sessions can be scenes of rapid escalation; conflicting goals for each partner (attribution errors)

Question 12

Good practices in couples counseling

Answer 12

not taking sides; offer structure; have the couple talk to each other, not you

Question 13

Corrective communication

Answer 13

active listening; I-statements; XYZ statements; validation

Question 14

Caryl Rusbult’s Investment Mode

Answer 14

“unfortunately, simply understanding how people come to love their partners and feel satisfied with their relationships is not sufficient to explain how and why some relationships not only persist but thrive whereas others do not”

• need to look at several behaviors

Question 15

1 - Staying committed

Answer 15

When people see a future with their partners, they perceive themselves, their partners, and their relationship in ways that help to sustain the partnership and work to defuse or avoid conflict in ways that enrich the relationship

Question 16

Cognitive Maintenance Mechanisms

Answer 16

cognitive interdependence
- think of themselves not as separate individuals but as part of a greater whole that includes the and their partner

positive illusions
- idealizing each other and perceiving the relationship in the best light possible
- faults are relatively trivial
- misbehavior is written off

perceived superiority
- they think their relationships are better than those of other people (specific type of positive illusion)

inattention to alternatives
- Committed partners pay less heed to the other potential partners that are available to them.
- uninterested and unaware of how well they could be doing in alternative relationships

derogation of tempting alternatives
- allows people to feel that other potential partners are less attractive than the ones they already have

Question 17

Behavioral Maintenance Mechanisms

Answer 17

willingness to sacrifice
- putting the well-being of the relationship ahead of one’s own self-interest

Michelangelo phenomenon
- committed partners help us to grow, endorsing new roles and responsibilities

accommodation
- the process by which the eye’s lens changes shape to focus near or far objects on the retina

play
- engage in activity for enjoyment and recreation rather than a serious or practical purpose

forgiveness
- quickens the healing of both the relationship and the partner who was wronged

Question 18

2 - Staying Content

Answer 18

positivity, assurances, sharing tasks, openness, support

Question 19

Repairing relationships

Answer 19

regular maintenance helps keep relationships in good condition, but they may still break down and need repair

*Focus on “we” not “me”
*Increase positivity
*Decrease negativity
*Express love and affection
*Exercise self-control

Question 20

Fixing relationships

Answer 20

1. Do it Yourself (television, self-help books, podcasts)
2. Preventative Maintenance - periodic inspection and repair designed to keep equipment reliable
3. Marital Therapy