Chapter 10 & 11: Stresses and Conflict Flashcards
What are four dialectical tensions in relationships?
- Autonomy and connection
2.Openness and closedness - Stability and change
- Integration and separation
What are dialectics?
opposing motivations that can never be entirely satisfied because they contradict each other
What is relational stress?
strain or tension related to the relationship
How does stress impact the body?
the brain releases cortisol into the body, which impacts the immune system (impacts the distribution and function of immune cells)
What is an allostatic load?
Strain on the body produced by repeated ups and downs of
physiological response, as well as elevated activity of these
systems as they respond to prolonged environmental demand
- Impacts psychological distress and physiological arousal
- Related to risky behaviors
Is stress always negative?
oftentimes, but can function to help someone “get ready” (like for an exam or going on a first date)
What is relational value and how is this impacted by stress?
degree to which someone considers the relationship to be valuable, important or close
- Different levels of acceptance and rejection
- The core of stresses and strains stem from the “perception
that others value their relationships with us less than we want
them to”
What is perceived relational value?
The apparent importance that others attach to their relationships with us–is lower than we want it to be
Rejection
- feels terrible at any level
- decreases in acceptance feel worse than being outright rejected from the beginning
- rejection hurts (similar to physical pain)
- pain relievers improve the pain of social rejection
True or False: mild rejection from others usually feels just as bad as more extreme rejection does.
True - and decreases in the acceptance we receive from others may be even worse as a result, especially when they occur in that range between ambivalence and active inclusion
Define relational devaluation
Apparent decreases in others’ regard for us–and it causes a variety of unhappy emotions
- people who have high levels of anxiety relating to abandonment experience more hurt in response to drops in perceived relational value than those with lower anxiety do
What factors can influence the level of heart one experiences after rejection?
Attachment styles
a) high anxiety = more hurt in response to drops in perceived relational value
b) high avoidance = less pain when others withdraw
Self-esteem also contributes
a) low self esteem = more hurt
b) high self esteem = less hurt
_____________ is a significant predictor of how people respond to potent experiences of rejection, including ostracism
self-esteem
What are some everyday stresses and strains in interpersonal relationships?
- Ostracism - in which people are given the “cold shoulder” and ignored by those around them
- Jealousy
- Deception and Lying
- Betrayal
Reasons for giving a partner the “cold shoulder?”
- punish partner
- avoid confrontation
- calm down and cool off after a conflict/fight
reactions to getting the “cold shoulder”
- usually, there is no explanation for the cold shoulder, so recipients take it personally and believe their relationship is being damaged
Reactions:
- trying to gain belongingness through compliance
- attempts at repair
- devaluing the relationship/person
- finding a new relationship
- those with higher self-esteem are more likely to terminate a relationship with someone who ostracizes and hurts them
effects of giving someone the “cold shoulder”
people feel hurt, confused, and unhappy; the room actually feels colder; food and drink are more desirable; cortisol increases; time passes slower
Define jealousy
can involve a variety of feelings, ranging all the way from sad dejection to actual pride that one’s partner is desirable to others, but the three feelings that define jealousy are hurt, anger, and fear
Hurt follows from the perception
that our partners do not value us enough to honor their commitments to our relationships
Fear and anxiety result from
the dreadful prospect of abandonment and loss
What is the difference between reactive and suspicious jealousy?
Reactive jealousy = occurs when someone becomes aware of an actual threat to a valued relationship
suspicious jealousy = occurs when one’s partner has not misbehaved and one’s suspicions do not fit the facts at hand
Who is prone to jealousy?
Precursors include:
- dependency: meaning any threat is menacing to their relationship, especially if a person doesn’t have alternatives
- inadequacy: worry that they cannot measure up to their partner’s expectations, will be replaced–more jealous compared to those who know they can keep their partners satisfied
Other factors include:
- attachment style: those who are preoccupied find themselves seeking closeness with others, but they remain chronically worried that their partners do not love them in return
- personality traits: those high in neuroticism also possess more jealous –Dark Triad in particular
Who gets us jealous?
- Rivals who have high mate value and are attractive to our partners are particularly threatening (friends horning in are more upsetting compared to a complete and utter stranger)
- Partners expressing affection for past mates
What gets us jealous?
Due to paternal uncertainty, men are more likely than women to consider sexual infidelity to be more distressing than emotional infidelity (thought that their partners are falling in love with someone else) – 83%
- This finding has engendered criticism, but it has also been replicated around the world
Responses to jealousy include…
- Talk things out - secure/ preoccupied attachment
- Ignore the problem - dismissing / fearful attachment
Coping constructively with jealousy
People who succeed in reducing unwanted jealousy often practice self-reliance and self-bolstering
Deception and Lying: what is deception?
either withholding information from participants or providing false information
Forms of deception
- Conceal information: not mention details that would communicate the truth
- Divert attention: from vital facts by abruptly changing the topic on touchy subjects
- Half-truths: lying
Lying in close and casual relationships
- 1/5 of lies are told to benefit the other (protect feelings or advance their interests)
- People find telling a lie during an interaction less pleasant than sharing the truth
- There’s a lot of lying in every day life. Lies engender DECEIVER’S DISTRUST, which leads liars to perceive the recipients of their lies as untrustworthy b/c liars assume people are just like them
What is deceiver’s distrust?
when people lie to others, they often begin to perceive the recipients of the lies as less honest and trustworthy as a result
What is truth bias?
When you assume,/expect partners are usually telling the truth
- b/c you know them well, you est. a sense of trust
Betrayal
disagreeable, hurtful acts by people we trust; violates norms of trustworthiness, respect, and loyalty
Gender differences in betrayal
men more likely to betray romantic partners and business associates; women more likely to betray friends and family members
Individual differences in betrayal
Frequent betrayers tend to be unhappy and maladjusted people who are resentful, vengeful, and suspicious of others–Dark Triad
Forgiveness
a decision to give up your perceived or actual right to get even with, or hold in debt, someone who has wronged you
Do attachment styles influence displaying forgiveness?
Yes!
- Anxious of abandonment and avoidance = less forgiving
- Secure = more forgiving
Forgiveness requires the following ingredients
- Contrition: meaningful apology
- Desire to continue the relationship: on the part of the victim
- Less likely to occur when victims brood about transgressions
Perceived idealization
difference between self-perceptions and perceptions of how a partner sees one’s traits and abilities
Conflict
occurs when one person’s motives, goals, beliefs, opinions or behavior interfere with or are incompatible with those of another
Conflict is inescapable for two reasons
- The moods and preferences of any two people will occasionally differ
- Conflict is unavoidable because certain tensions are woven into the fabric of close relationships that will eventually cause strain
- develop dialects = opposing motivations that can never truly be satisfied because they contradict each other
Name some opposing motivations or dialectics
- autonomy-connection dialectic: the tension between our desire to be independent or autonomous while simultaneously wanting to feel a connection with our partner
- openness-closeness dialectic: the internal struggle between expression and privacy
- stability and change dialectic: the tension between the desire to keep a relationship predictable and stable and the desire for novelty and change
- integration and separation dialectic: the tension between the desire for connection with others and the desire for independence
People who experience the most conflict
high N, insecure, younger, dissimilar partners
Conditions that increase conflict include
- lack of sleep
- alcohol
Events that instigate conflict include
- criticism
- illegitimate demands
- rebuffs
- cumulative annoyances
Criticism
verbal and nonverbal acts that are judged to communicate unfair dissatisfaction with a partner’s behavior, attitude, or trait; word problems in relationships as a personality defect
Illegitimate demands
requests that seem unjust because they exceed the normal expectations that the partners hold for each other
Rebuffs
situations in which one person appeals to another for a desired reaction, and the other person fails to respond as expected
Cumulative annoyances
relatively trivial events that become irritating with repetition
Volatile couples
frequent and passionate arguments; though also, wit and care
Validators
fight more politely; calm, validate each other
Avoiders
rarely argue
Hostiles
fail to maintain the 5 positives exchanged for every one negative; criticism, defensiveness
Gottman’s qualities of “disasters” in relationships
Critical = stating problem and defect in partner
Defensiveness = response to criticism, and you point out your partner’s flaws
Contempt = sense of superiority; talking down to partner; direct insults/name-calling; best indicator/predictor of divorce and immune failure
Stonewalling = checked out of the argument; defense mechanism when overwhelmed
Define attributional conflict
fighting over whose explanation is correct and whose account is wrong
- affects negative feelings at the moment
What is negative affect reciprocity?
partners trade escalating provocations back and forth
What is demand-withdraw pattern?
a pattern of behavior in which one party makes demands and the other party withdraws from the conversation
Why do women and men withdraw?
pattern emerges from gender differences that distinguish men and women
- women are encourage to be communal and expressive Vs men are encouraged to be independent and autonomous
Social structure hypothesis
argues that the demand/withdraw pattern results from pervasive differences in the power of men and women in society and marriage alike
What are Caryl Rusbult’s different types of responses to conflict and dissatisfaction in a relationship?
- Voice: active, constructive response in which individuals attempt to improve the situation
- Loyalty: a passive, constructive response that maintains public support for the situation while the individual privately hopes for improvement
- Neglect: a passive, destructive response in which interest and effort in the job declines
- Exit: active, destructive response by which an individual either ends or restricts organizational membership
What is accommodation?
inhibiting the impulse to fight fire with fire and striving to react instead with calm self-control
Outcomes of conflict
Separation: occurs when one or both partners withdraw without resolving the conflict
Domination: one partner gets his or her way when the other capitulates
Compromise: occurs when each party gives up something of value to the other
Integrative agreement: satisfy both partners’ original goals and aspirations, usually through creativity and flexibility
Can fighting be good for a relationship?
Yes. Deft management of conflict allows relationships to grow and prosper. The speaker-listener technique provides a structure for calm, clear communication about touchy topics.
What is the speaker-listener technique?
provides a structure for calm, clear communication about issues that promotes the use of active listening skills and increases the chances that partners will understand and validate each other despite their disagreement
