ChaMy Flashcards
1
Q
if you instead ask, “Can I make a great pitch?”
A
the research has found that you provide yourself something that reaches deeper and lasts longer.
2
Q
Negative emotions, she says, evolved to narrow people’s vision and propel their behavior toward survival in the moment (I’m frightened, so I’ll flee. I’m angry, so I’ll fight).
A
“Positive emotions do the opposite: They broaden people’s ideas about possible actions, opening our awareness to a wider range of thoughts and . . . making us more receptive and more creative,
3
Q
Ask yourself: “Can I move these people?”
As social scientists have discovered, interrogative self-talk is often more valuable than the declarative kind.
A
But don’t simply leave the question hanging in the air like a lost balloon. Answer it—directly and in writing. List five specific reasons why the answer to your question is yes.
4
Q
Try actually counting the nos you get during a week. Use one of the many free counter apps available for smartphones and tally every time your efforts to move others meet with resistance.
A
you might be more surprised by something else: You’re still around. Even in that weeklong ocean of rejection, you’ve still managed to stay afloat. That realization can give you the will to continue and the confidence to do even better the following week
5
Q
Negativity and negative emotions are crucial for our survival. They prevent unproductive behaviors from cementing into habits.
A
They deliver useful information on our efforts. They alert us to when we’re on the wrong path.
6
Q
It is in fact the discovery and creation of problems rather than any superior knowledge, technical skill, or craftsmanship
A
that often sets the creative person apart from others in his field
The most important thing they do is find the right problem to solve.
7
Q
“the potential to be good at something can be preferred over actually being good at that very same thing.”
A
That uncertainty can lead people to think more deeply about the person they’re evaluating—and the more intensive processing that requires can lead to generating more and better reasons why the person is a good choice.
8
Q
The lesson: Clarity on how to think without
A
clarity on how to act can leave people unmoved.
9
Q
The catchers took passion, wit, and quirkiness as positive cues—and slickness, trying too hard, and offering lots of different ideas as negative ones. If the catcher categorized the pitcher as “uncreative” in the first few minutes, the meeting was essentially over even if it had not actually ended.
A
But for pitchers, landing in the creative category wasn’t enough, because a second process was at work. In the most successful pitches, the pitcher didn’t push her idea on the catcher until she extracted a yes. Instead, she invited in her counterpart as a collaborator. The more the executives—often derided by their supposedly more artistic counterparts as “suits”—were able to contribute, “the better the idea often became, and the more likely it was to be green-lighted. The most valuable sessions were those in which the catcher “becomes so fully engaged by a pitcher that the process resembles a mutual collaboration,” the researchers found.
10
Q
The lesson here is critical: The purpose of a pitch isn’t necessarily to move others immediately to adopt your idea.
A
The purpose is to offer something so compelling that it begins a conversation, brings the other person in as a participant, and eventually arrives at an outcome that appeals to both of you
11
Q
When I make a statement, you can receive it passively. When I ask a question, you’re compelled to respond, either aloud if the question is direct or silently if the question is rhetorical.
A
By making people work just a little harder, question pitches prompt people to come up with their own reasons for agreeing (or not). And when people summon their own reasons for believing something, they endorse the belief more strongly and become more likely to act on it
12
Q
utility and curiosity. People were quite likely to “read emails that directly affected their work.” No surprise there.
A
when they had moderate levels of uncertainty about the contents, i.e. they were ‘curious’ what the messages were about.
13
Q
What do you want them to know?
What do you want them to feel?
What do you want them to do?
A
If you’ve got strong answers to these three questions, the pitch will come together more easily.
14
Q
“Instead, we should recalibrate our approach so that it’s concrete and personal—
A
and not for softhearted reasons but for hardheaded ones.
15
Q
Raising the salience of purpose is one of the most potent—and most overlooked—methods of moving others. While we often assume that human beings are motivated mainly by self-interest, a stack of research has shown that all of us also do things for what social scientists call “prosocial” or “self-transcending” reasons
A
we ourselves be serving, but we should also be tapping others’ innate desire to serve.”
“This is what it means to serve: improving another’s life and, in turn, improving the world. That’s the lifeblood of service and the final secret to moving others.
16
Q
When we first meet someone, we instinctively assess whether that person is a potential friend or foe and whether they have the power to enact those intentions. Power and intentions are what we‘re aiming to assess.
A
―Could you move mountains for me? And would you care to do so?‖ To answer the first question, we try to assess how much power he or she has. To answer the second question, we try to assess how much he or she likes us. When you meet a charismatic person, you get the impression that they have a lot of power and they like you a lot.
17
Q
The equation that produces charisma is actually fairly simple. All you have to do is give the impression that you possess both high power and high warmth, since charismatic behaviors project a combination of these two qualities.
A
―Fight or flight?‖ is the power question. ―Friend or foe?‖ is the warmth question.
18
Q
A final dimension underlies both of these qualities: presence.
A
When people describe their experience of seeing charisma in action
you also feel that he‘s completely here with you, in this moment. Present.
19
Q
After dining with Mr. Gladstone, I thought he was the cleverest person in England.
A
But after dining with Mr. Disraeli, I thought I was the cleverest person in England.
20
Q
Three quick tips to gain an instant charisma boost in conversation:
A
Lower the intonation of your voice at the end of your sentences.
Reduce how quickly and how often you nod.
Pause for two full seconds before you speak.
21
Q
Not only can the lack of presence be visible, it can also be perceived as inauthentic, which has even worse emotional consequences.
A
When you‘re perceived as disingenuous, it‘s virtually impossible to generate trust, rapport, or loyalty. And it‘s impossible to be charismatic.
22
Q
even a minor increase in your capacity for presence can have a major effect on those around you
A
Because so few of us are ever fully present, if you can manage even a few moments of full presence from time to time, you‘ll make quite an impact.
23
Q
remember to use one of the quick fixes—focusing for just a second on your breath or your toes—this will instantly bring you back to the present moment.
A
This full presence will show in your eyes and your face, and will be seen by the person who‘s talking to you. By giving them just a few moments of full presence, they will feel respected and listened to.
24
Q
Remember that every time you bring yourself back to full presence, you reap major rewards:
A
you become more impactful, more memorable, and come across as more grounded. You‘re laying the foundation for a charismatic presence.
25
Being seen as powerful means being perceived as able to affect the world around us, whether through influence on or authority over others, large amounts of money, expertise, intelligence, sheer physical strength, or high social status.
We look for clues of power in someone‘s appearance, in others‘ reaction to this person, and, most of all, in the person‘s body language.
26
Warmth, simply put, is goodwill toward others. Warmth tells us whether or not people will want to use whatever power they have in our favor. Being seen as warm means being perceived as any of the following:
benevolent, altruistic, caring, or willing to impact our world in a positive way. Warmth is assessed almost entirely through body language and behavior; it‘s evaluated more directly than power.
27
The combination of power and warmth would have been very rare and very, very precious:
a powerful person who also viewed us kindly could mean the difference between life and death in critical moments. Figuring out who might want to help us and who has the power to do so has always been critical to our survival.
28
But we‘ve been interacting well before this through nonverbal modes of communication. As a result, nonverbal communication is hardwired into our brains, much deeper than the more recent language-processing abilities.
This is why nonverbal communication has a far greater impact.
29
our body language expresses our mental state whether we like it or not. Our facial expressions, voice, posture, and all the other components of body language reflect our mental and emotional condition every second.
. Because we don‘t control this flow consciously, whatever is in our head will show up in our body language.
30
If your internal state is anticharismatic, no amount of effort and willpower can make up for it. Sooner or later, some of your underlying thoughts and feelings will show through.
On the other hand, if your internal state is charismatic, then the right body language will flow forth effortlessly. Thus, the first step in learning charisma—and what the first part of this book is all about—is developing the various mental states that produce charismatic body language and behaviors.
31
The internal skills necessary for charisma include both the awareness of your internal state and the tools to effectively manage it.
To know others is knowledge. To know oneself is wisdom
32
Because your body language telegraphs your internal state to those around you, in order to be charismatic—to exhibit presence, power, and warmth—
you must display charismatic body language.
33
Because your mind can‘t tell the difference between imagination and reality, by creating a charismatic internal state
your body language will authentically display charisma.
34
Stanford researchers conducted experiments showing that when people try to hide their real feelings,
they provoke a threat- response arousal in others.
35
Any physical discomfort that affects your visible, external state—your body language—even slightly may affect how charismatic you are perceived to be.
When interacting with someone, assume that he or she will feel (at least on a subconscious level) that whatever you do relates to him or to her.
36
Counteracting charisma-impairing physical discomfort is simple:
1. Prevent
2. Recognize
3. Remedy or explain
37
When you‘re choosing a location for a meeting, take comfort into consideration. Ask yourself what the temperature and noise level will be like. Ensure that you‘ll be well fed;
don‘t let yourself (or your guests if you‘re hosting) get too hungry. Think about your energy level, and the energy level of the people with whom you‘ll be interacting. Is the meeting very early or very late? Signs of fatigue can easily show up in people‘s body language as lack of enthusiasm.
38
Awareness is the second step in dealing with physical discomfort. Check in with your face from time to time; notice if it is tense.
This is where the ability to stay present will help you yet again: the more present you are, the better your chances of noticing if your body language is showing tension.
39
It affects both how we feel and how we‘re perceived. Mental discomfort can result from anxiety, dissatisfaction, self-criticism, or self-doubt, all of which
are forms of internal negativity, and each of which can handicap our personal charisma potential.
40
Knowing how to skillfully handle mental discomfort is even more important
than knowing how to handle physical discomfort.
41
Anxiety is a serious drawback to charisma. First, it impacts our internal state:
quite obviously, it‘s hard to be fully present while you‘re feeling anxious. Anxiety can also lower our confidence. Anxiety, low presence, and low confidence can show up directly in our body language, as well as reduce our ability to emanate warmth.
42
our minds are fundamentally uncomfortable with uncertainty. The minute our brain registers ambiguity, it flashes an error signal
Uncertainty registers as a tension: something that must be corrected before we can feel comfortable again.
43
It‘s worth learning how to handle uncertainty, not just because it increases charisma but also because the ability to be comfortable with uncertainty
and ambiguity turns out to be one of the strongest predictors of success in business.
44
Responsibility Transfer
1. Sit comfortably or lie down, relax, and close your eyes.
2. Take two or three deep breaths. As you inhale, imagine drawing clean air toward the top of your head.
As you exhale, let that air whoosh through you, washing away all worries and concerns.
3. Pick an entity—God, Fate, the Universe, whatever may best suit your beliefs—that you could imagine as benevolent.
4. Imagine lifting the weight of everything you‘re concerned about—this meeting, this interaction, this day—off your shoulders and placing it on the shoulders of whichever entity you‘ve chosen. They‘re in charge now.
5. Visually lift everything off your shoulders and feel the difference as you are now no longer responsible for the outcome of any of these things. Everything is taken care of. You can sit back, relax, and enjoy whatever good you can find along the way.
45
Few things impact people‘s performance more than how they feel about themselves.
Athletes will tell you that a bad mental state will affect their performance no matter how well prepared they are physically. Psychological negativity can have real physical consequences.
46
the threat response impairs analytic thinking, creative insight, and problem solving
This kind of negativity doesn‘t just affect our actual performance, it also affects how others perceive us.
47
Self-doubt, simply put, is lack of confidence in our own ability to achieve something: we doubt our capacity to do it or our capacity to learn how to do it. Worse, it is the fear that there is something essential that we lack, something necessary but unattainable, and that we are just not good enough.
In one of the manifestations of self-doubt, known as the impostor syndrome, competent people feel they don‘t really know what they‘re doing and are just waiting for someone to expose them as a fraud.
48
Prevention is optimal: plan ahead to ensure comfort in clothing, location, and timing. Aim to stay aware of any physical sensation of discomfort.
If physical discomfort arises during an interaction, act promptly to alleviate or explain it.
49
Understand that mental negativity such as anxiety, dissatisfaction, self-criticism, or self-doubt is normal
and something that everyone experiences.
50
To destigmatize, remind yourself that this internal discomfort, whatever it might be, is a normal part of the human experience and a by-product of one of our brain‘s survival mechanisms.
It helps to think of others who have experienced what you‘re going through, especially if you can think of a person who is like you, but maybe just a step or two ahead—a person you both relate to and admire.
51
shame is the real killer. Of all the emotions that human beings can feel, it is one of the most toxic to health and happiness.
Brené Brown defines it as ―the fear of being unlovable: Shame is the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging
52
Shame hits us so powerfully because it conveys a message about our fundamental acceptability as human beings.
And in basic survival terms, if the tribe rejects you, you die. It is a life-and-death situation. The brain equates social needs with survival; being hungry and being ostracized activate similar neural responses
53
Knowing how to remove the stigma of shame from difficult emotions and experiences is absolutely critical to charisma. Often, it‘s not what we feel that is the most painful—it‘s our shame about feeling this way that really does the damage.
Once we see this feeling as normal and even something to be expected, it becomes much easier to bear.
54
destigmatizing:
1. Remember that uncomfortable emotions are normal, natural, and simply a legacy of our survival instincts. We all experience them from time to time.
2. Dedramatize: this is a common part of human experience that happens every day.
3. Think of others who‘ve gone through this before, especially people you admire.
4. See it as one burden shared by many. You are part of a community of human beings experiencing this one feeling at this very moment.
55
One of the main reasons we‘re so affected by our negative thoughts is that we think our mind has an accurate grasp on reality, and that its conclusions are generally valid.
This, however, is a fallacy. Our mind‘s view of reality can be, and often is, completely distorted.
56
As Churchill said, failure is seldom fatal, and just realizing that
even the worst-case scenario is survivable can bolster your confidence.
57
Don‘t assume your thoughts are accurate. Just because your mind comes up with something doesn’t necessarily mean it has any validity.
Assume you‘re missing a lot of elements, many of which could be positive.
58
Assign a label to your negative experience:
self-criticism, anger, anxiety, etc. Just naming what you are thinking and feeling can help you neutralize it.
59
Imagine seeing yourself from afar. Zoom out so far, you can see planet Earth hanging in space. Then zoom in to see your continent, then your country, your city, and finally the room you‘re in.
See your little self, electrical impulses whizzing across your brain. One little being having a particular experience at this particular moment.
60
when a difficult experience arises and risks impairing your charisma levels, rather than trying to suppress or ignore your internal difficulties, consider a few alternate versions of reality.
Conjure a few different scenarios that would induce you into a more useful mental state.
61
I imagined—as vividly as possible, with sensory- rich details—that my publisher had somehow given me an insane one-month deadline to write the entire book.
And I was amazed at how fast this completely imaginary deadline became emotionally real. I even felt a knot in the pit of my stomach, a physical reminder that the clock was ticking.
62
The key questions are: Which mental state would be most useful in this situation? And which version of reality would help you get there?
For charisma, you can use this technique whenever a situation threatens your level of warmth or confidence. For minor events, simply imagining an alternative explanation is often enough to reduce anger or impatience and generate compassion instead.
63
Rewriting Checklist:
1. Take a deep breath and shake out your body to ensure that no physical discomfort is adding to your tense mental state.
2. Dedramatize. Remind yourself that these are just physical sensations. Right now, nothing serious is actually happening. This only feels uncomfortable because of the way your brain is wired. Zoom out your focus to see yourself as one little person sitting in a room with certain chemicals flooding his system. Nothing more. 3. Destigmatize. Remind yourself that what you‘re experiencing is normal and everyone goes through it from time to time. Imagine countless people all over the world feeling the exact same thing.
4. Neutralize. Remind yourself that thoughts are not necessarily real. There have been many times when you‘ve been certain that a client was disappointed, only to discover that the exact opposite was true.
5. Consider a few alternate realities.
6. Visualize a transfer of responsibility. Feel the weight of responsibility for the outcome of this situation lifting off your shoulders. Tell yourself it‘s all taken care of.
64
The answer, surprisingly, is to delve into those very sensations of discomfort. That‘s right. Though it sounds counterintuitive
rather than trying to suppress, ignore, or power through them, your goal is to give your full attention to the very sensations you‘d instinctively want to push away.
65
Skillfully handle internal discomfort with a three-step process:
destigmatize your discomfort, neutralize your negative thoughts, and rewrite your perception of reality.
66
Destigmatize and dedramatize uncomfortable feelings by remembering that they are survival instincts and a natural part of the human experience.
Think of others who‘ve gone through this before—especially people you admire—and see yourself as part of a community of human beings experiencing the same feeling at the same moment.
67
For advanced practice, delve into the physical sensations of discomfort.
Focusing on the sensations gives your mind something concrete to focus on, drawing your attention away from your feeling that the experience is unbearable.
68
The following visualization is a great tool to increase the amount of power you want to convey.
♦ Close your eyes and relax.
♦ Remember a past experience when you felt absolutely triumphant—for example, the day you won a contest or an award.
♦ Hear the sounds in the room: the murmurs of approval, the swell of applause.
♦ See people‘s smiles and expressions of warmth and admiration.
♦ Feel your feet on the ground and the congratulatory handshakes.
♦ Above all, experience your feelings, the warm glow of confidence rising within you.
69
What‘s the opposite of gratitude? Resentment, neediness, and desperation—none of which is very charismatic.
We all know that few things will ruin someone‘s chances more than giving off an impression of desperation, whether they‘re on a job interview or on a date.
70
ave you ever been with someone who you felt truly had your best interests at heart? How did that feel? You likely experienced nice, warm feelings. Goodwill is a highly effective way both to project warmth and to create a feeling of warmth in others.
When you truly focus on someone‘s well-being, you feel more connected to them, it shows across your face, and people perceive you as someone full of warmth. Your charisma quotient soars.
71
One simple but effective way to start is to try to find three things you like about the person you want to feel goodwill toward.
No matter whom it is you‘re talking to, find three things to appreciate or approve of—even if these are as small as ―their shoes are shined‖ or ―they were on time.‖ When you start searching for positive elements, your mental state changes accordingly and then sweeps through your body language.
72
in any interaction, imagine the person you‘re speaking to, and all those around you, as having invisible angel wings.
This can help shift your perspective. If even for a split second you can see someone as a fundamentally good being, this will soften and warm your emotional reaction toward them, changing your entire body language
73
Compassion is empathy plus goodwill:
you understand how they feel, and you wish them well.
74
the process of accessing compassion as follows:
first comes empathy, the ability to understand what someone is feeling, to detect distress; second, sympathy, being emotionally moved by distress; and third, compassion, which arises with the desire to care for the well-being of the distressed person.
75
Take the three steps below to practice compassion for someone you know:
1. Imagine their past. What if you had been born in their circumstances, with their family and upbringing? What was it like growing up in their family situation with whatever they experienced as a child? It‘s often said that everyone you meet has stories to tell, and that everyone has a few that would break your heart. Consider also that if you had experienced everything they have experienced, perhaps you would have turned out just like they have.
2. Imagine their present. Really try to put yourself in their shoes right now. Imagine what it feels like to be them today. Put yourself in their place, be in their skin, see through their eyes. Imagine what they might be feeling right now—all the emotions they might be holding inside.
3. If you really need compassion dynamite, look at them and ask: What if this were their last day alive? You can even imagine their funeral. You‘re at their funeral, and you‘re asked to say a few words about them. You can also imagine what you‘d say to them after they‘d already died.
76
it may be healthier to focus on self-compassion than on self-esteem.
The former is based on self-acceptance, the latter on self-evaluation and social comparison.
77
individuals who score high on self-compassion scales demonstrate greater emotional resilience to daily difficulties and fewer negative reactions to difficult situations, such as receiving unflattering feedback.
Higher self-compassion predicts a greater sense of personal responsibility for the outcome of events: it helps predict levels of accountability. People who score high on self-compassion also have a lower tendency for denial.
78
Self-compassion delivers an impressive array of benefits:
decreased anxiety, depression, and self- criticism; improved relationships and greater feelings of social connectedness and satisfaction with life; increased ability to handle negative events; and even improved immune system functioning.
79
self-compassion as a three-step process
First, realizing that we‘re experiencing difficulties. Second, responding with kindness and understanding toward ourselves when we are suffering or feel inadequate, rather than being harshly self-critical. Third, realizing that whatever we‘re going through is commonly experienced by all human beings, and remembering that everyone goes through difficult times.
80
Plan a warm-up period that allows you to gradually ramp up to the level you want. When you want to ensure peak charismatic performance, don‘t expect yourself to be on top of your game, going from zero to full charisma instantly and at will.
plan a warm-up that will boost your self-esteem: have coffee with someone who makes you feel good about yourself, or plan an activity (play a sport or a musical instrument) that makes you feel competent or accomplished. If there is a cocktail reception before the dinner, interact with people who make you feel good about yourself, not those who criticize or tease you, even in jest. Yes, making fun of one another can be highly enjoyable—but save that for evenings when charisma is less critical.
81
Visualization can help you create the right mental state and thus the right charismatic body language.
To make visualizations most effective, vividly engage all five senses in your imagination.
82
Your body affects your mind. Flip the visualization technique on its head and practice adopting
the right posture and facial expressions to access more of almost any desired internal state.
83
key component of focus charisma:
the ability to communicate respect. Remember that one of the foundations of charisma is making other people feel good about themselves.
84
Why is visionary charisma so effective and powerful?
Because of our natural discomfort with uncertainty. In a constantly changing world, we crave something solid to cling to.
85
Conveying visionary charisma requires the ability to project complete conviction and confidence in a cause.
In this way, visionary charisma is based on power. However, it is also based on warmth. Visionary charismatics aren‘t necessarily warm people, but they do feel strongly, even passionately, about their vision. And to be truly charismatic, their vision must include a certain amount of nobility and altruism.
86
What people notice: We assess visionary charisma primarily through
demeanor, which includes body language and behavior. Due to the fact that people tend to accept whatever you project, if you seem inspired, they will assume you have something to be inspired about. For visionary charisma, appearance matters far less than it does for other charisma styles. You could be wearing rags and still successfully convey visionary charisma.
87
The message matters for visionary charisma. This means knowing how to craft a bold vision and knowing how to deliver the message charismatically
One of the keys to communicating your visionary charisma is getting yourself into a state of complete conviction, shedding any doubt. You can use the tools you gained in chapters and , such as rewriting reality, to strengthen your belief, or the responsibility transfer, to free yourself from the effect of uncertainty.
88
Kindness charisma is primarily based on warmth. It connects with people‘s hearts
and makes them feel welcomed, cherished, embraced, and, most of all, completely accepted.
89
Though kindness charisma is based primarily on warmth, without power
you risk coming off as overeager to please. This is where the ability to convey a modicum of power becomes important.
90
We are biologically programmed to care about status and to be impressed by it because this instinctive reaction favors our survival:
high-status individuals have the power to help or hurt us. To survive, we need to know where in the pecking order we stand. As a consequence, we‘re exquisitely fine-tuned to any clues that can help us determine other people‘s status.
91
Clothing is one of our first and strongest clues in evaluating status, thus potential power, and thus authority charisma. We look for signs of expertise (doctors‘ white coats) or high authority (military or police uniforms).
We pay particular attention to signs of high social status or success, such as expensive clothing.
92
Your main aim if you want to gain authority charisma is to project power by displaying signs of status and confidence.
Luckily, the two most important dimensions of status and confidence are also the ones over which you have the most influence: body language and appearance.
93
To project power and confidence in your body language, you‘ll need to learn how to ―take up space‖ with your posture, reduce nonverbal reassurances (such as excessive nodding), and avoid fidgeting
You may need to speak less, to speak more slowly, to know how and when to pause your sentences, or how to modulate your intonation.
94
studies consistently show that in times of crisis, people turn to individuals who are bold, confident, and decisive.
This is the time to bring out authority or visionary charisma
95
Think of goodwill as your charisma safety net:
as long as you can get into a state of goodwill, you will have the absolute best chances of getting your charisma right
96
Within a few seconds, with just a glance, people have judged your social and economic level, your level of education, and even your level of success.
Within minutes, they‘ve also decided your levels of intelligence, trustworthiness, competence, friendliness, and confidence. Although these evaluations happen in an instant, they can last for years: first impressions are often indelible.
97
During the vast majority of our history, from which our current instincts are drawn, people lived in tribes. In such an environment, the ability to accurately recognize whether or not someone was of your tribe could have life-and-death implications.
If you know how to get these instinctive responses working in your favor, you‘ve won half the battle.
98
If you want to impress others, look at the range of choices within that environment
and choose the upper end. There‘s a reason the phrase ―Dress to impress‖ exists.
99
it‘s all about keeping the spotlight on them for as long as possible.
Talk to a man about himself, and he will listen for hours,‖ said Benjamin Disraeli. In fact, even when you‘re speaking, the one word that should pop up most often in your conversation is not I but you. Instead of saying ―I read a great article on that subject in the New York Times,‖ try ―You might enjoy the recent New York Times article on the subject.‖ Or simply insert ―You know…‖ before any sentence to make them instantly perk up and pay attention.
100
Another way to exit a conversation with grace is to offer something of value:
Information: an article, book, or Web site you think might be of use to them
A connection: someone they ought to meet whom you know and can introduce them to
Visibility: an organization you belong to, where you could invite them to speak
Recognition: an award you think they should be nominated for
Offering value will often create in others a feeling of warmth and goodwill toward you, and your departure from the conversation will be haloed by the impression of generosity you‘ve created.
101
what impacts people isn‘t the words or content used
Rather, they remember how it felt to be speaking with you.
102
Great conversationalists keep the spotlight on the other person and
make them feel good about themselves.
103
three keys to communicating presence:
attentive listening, refraining from interrupting, and deliberate pausing.
104
one simple but extraordinarily effective habit that will make people feel truly listened to and understood
Considered a key tool in negotiation, pausing can also play a wonderful role in making people feel good about themselves when they‘re around you—it‘s an easy way to make people feel intelligent, interesting, and even impressive.
105
For most charisma, but especially kindness charisma, it‘s critical to make others feel good about themselves.
Benjamin Disraeli‘s genius was his ability to make whomever he was speaking with feel intelligent and fascinating. People would associate the wonderful way they felt around him with the man himself.
106
The next time you‘re given a compliment, the following steps will help you skillfully handle the moment:
1. Stop.
2. Absorb the compliment. Enjoy it if you can.
3. Let that second of absorption show on your face. Show the person that they‘ve had an impact.
4. Thank them. Saying ―Thank you very much‖ is enough, but you can take it a step further by thanking them for their thoughtfulness or telling them that they‘ve made your day.
107
Don‘t try to impress people. Let them impress you, and they will love you for it
Believe it or not, you don‘t need to sound smart. You just need to make them feel smart.
108
When you speak in words, the brain has to relate the words to concepts, then translate the concepts into images, which is what actually gets understood.
Why not speak directly in the brain‘s own language? Whenever you can, choose to speak in pictures. You‘ll have a much greater impact, and your message will be far more memorable.
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Visionary charismatics make full use of the power of images. Presidents rated as charismatic, such as Franklin Delano Roosevelt and Abraham Lincoln,
used twice as many visual metaphors in their inaugural addresses as did those rated as noncharismatic.
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When you craft your images and metaphors, try to make them sensory-rich:
involve as many of the five senses as possible. Believe it or not, you can do this in almost any situation, even with the driest of subjects.
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Whenever people are asked to expend any of their scarce resources, you can bet that they are (at least subconsciously) measuring the return on their investment. You can deliver value to others in multiple ways:
Entertainment: Make your e-mail or meeting enjoyable.
Information: Give interesting or informative content that they can use.
Good feelings: Find ways to make them feel important or good about themselves.
The longer you speak, the higher the price you‘re making them pay, so the higher the value ought to be.
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The guidelines below will help you broadcast power through your voice.
1. Speak slowly. Visualize the contrast between a nervous, squeaky teenager speaking at high speed and the slow, emphatic tone of a judge delivering a verdict.
2. Pause. People who broadcast confidence often pause while speaking. They will pause for a second or two between sentences or even in the middle of a sentence. This conveys the feeling that they‘re so confident in their power, they trust that people won‘t interrupt.
3. Drop intonation. You know how a voice rises at the end of a question? Just reread the last sentence and hear your voice go up at the end. Now imagine an assertion: a judge saying ―This case is closed. Feel how the intonation of the word closed drops. Lowering the intonation of your voice at the end of a sentence broadcasts power. When you want to sound superconfident, you can even lower your intonation midsentence.
4. Check your breathing. Make sure you‘re breathing deeply into your belly and inhale and exhale through your nose rather than your mouth. Breathing through your mouth can make you sound breathless and anxious.
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What about cases in which you don‘t necessarily want to smile? The good news is that you don‘t need to actually smile:
often, just thinking about smiling is enough to give your voice more warmth.
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People associate you with the feelings you produce in them. Avoid creating negative associations: don‘t make them feel bad or wrong.
Make people feel good, especially about themselves. Don‘t try to impress them—let them impress you, and they will love you for it.
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Words are grasped first by people‘s cognitive minds, their logical side, which gets to work on understanding their meaning. Body language, in contrast, affects us on a visceral, emotional level
It‘s this emotional level that you need to access in order to inspire others to follow, care for, or obey you. Logic makes people think. Emotion makes them act.‖
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Charisma, which makes us feel impressed, inspired, or thrillingly special, speaks to our emotional side. It bypasses our logical thinking.
Just as the feeling of awe goes beyond our understanding and touches us at an emotional level, so does charisma.
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When you consciously mirror someone‘s body language, you activate deep instincts of trust and liking.
For this reason, it can be a great aid when you need people to open up.
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Good eye contact is incredibly important. Profound eye contact can have a powerful impact on people; it can communicate empathy and give an impression of thoughtfulness, wisdom, and intelligence
You simply cannot be charismatic without it. In fact, eye contact is one of the main ways charismatic masters make you feel that you are the most important person in the room.
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Here are three simple steps to help you switch to a soft, open focus:
First, close your eyes. Focus on the space around you, the empty space in the room. Now focus on the space filling the entire universe. That‘s it—you‘ve moved into ―soft focus.
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Projecting power and confidence is what allows you to emanate warmth, enthusiasm, and excitement without coming across as overeager or subservient.
Because body language is wired so deeply within us, signs of confidence (or lack thereof) in someone‘s body language have veto power over all other signs of power. No matter how many signs of power and high status we may project through our appearance, title, or even through others‘ deference, a body language of insecurity will kill charisma on the spot.
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Can you imagine James Bond fidgeting? How about tugging at his clothing, bobbing his head, or twitching his shoulders? How about hemming and hawing before he speaks?
Bond is the quintessential cool, calm, and collected character. He epitomizes confidence.
This kind of high-status, high-confidence body language is characterized by how few movements are made. Composed people exhibit a level of stillness, which is sometimes described as poise
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In contrast, people who come across as powerful, confident, or high-status are usually more contained;
they don‘t feel the urge to give so much reassurance because they‘re not as worried about what their counterpart is thinking.
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When you want to increase your poise, there are three major issues to look out for.
The first is excessive or rapid nodding. Nodding once for emphasis or to express agreement is fine and can be an effective communication method, but nodding three or four times in rapid succession is not.
The second hindrance is excessive verbal reassurance: making a sound, such as ―uh-huh, or a half- sentence, such as ―Oh, I agree.‖ Done once, and consciously, this is fine; multiple times per sentence is not.
The third issue is restlessness or fidgeting (tapping your pencil or foot, or rearranging items on the table). Fidgeting decreases presence, thus charisma.
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You can also aim to bring your chin down a few degrees—
imagine a king bowing his head to a noble emissary. This has a double benefit. It avoids giving the impression that you‘re contemptuously looking down your nose at someone (the impression given when your head is tilted back) and simultaneously makes you appear more thoughtful, attentive, and deliberate as your eyes automatically open wider.
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When verbal and nonverbal messages contradict,
we tend to trust what we see in the other person‘s body language more than what we hear them say.
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To communicate warmth, aim to make people feel comfortable:
respect their personal space, mirror their body language, and keep your eyes relaxed.
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To project power, take up space
(be the big gorilla) and be still (adopt a regal posture).
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You could indeed ask your opponents for their help or ask them for a favor. Better still, ask them for something they can give without incurring any cost: their opinion.
Asking for someone‘s opinion is a better strategy than asking for their advice, because giving advice feels like more effort, as they have to tailor a recommendation to your situation, whereas with an opinion, they can just spout whatever is on their mind.
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Best of all is to call upon the benefits of rationalization through something they‘ve already done for you. Find ways to remind them of any help they‘ve given you in the past.
Express your appreciation and gratitude, highlight the choice they made, the effort they put in; and if they put their reputation on the line for you in any way, play it up.
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We all crave honest appreciation. It‘s a gnawing and unfaltering human hunger;
and the rare individual who satisfies it will hold people in the palm of his hand.‖
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The most effective and credible compliments are those that are both personal and specific.
The more appreciation you express and the more you show them the impact they‘ve had on you, the more they will like you and feel invested in your success. They‘ll rationalize in your favor. When you show people how they‘ve impacted you, they feel that they‘ve in a sense made you. This sense of ownership gives them a vested interest, and they identify with you; you become part of their identity.
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this process also works in reverse, so avoid making other people feel wrong.
If someone feels like they‘ve done you harm, they will seek to rationalize their actions and will convince themselves that what they did was justified. They don‘t want to feel like a bad person, therefore you must have done something wrong in order for them to act this way toward you.
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You can use rationalization not just for yourself but for the idea you‘re supporting.
By showing someone the impact they‘ve had on a project or an idea, they will feel a degree of ownership of it, and then instinctively will feel driven to support it. Show them how it changed as a result of their involvement, their actions, or their recommendations.
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Better yet, show the person how this idea or project was, at its very core, in its very source, inspired by what they did in the past—
a similar idea, project, or initiative they supported.
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The right body language for delivering bad news is one of warmth: care, concern, understanding, and empathy.
Essentially, demonstrate as much kindness charisma as you can. The worse the news, the more important it is for the recipient to feel that you truly understand them, and that you are there with them. This is where the internal tools of goodwill, compassion, and empathy come in.
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Once they are reassured of their own worth, people will accept your comments far more easily, and they‘ll get less defensive.
Indeed, this step may be the most important one to mitigate a defensive reaction. Defensiveness, after all, is often just the outward face of fear and insecurity.
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Choose the high road. Being a charismatic communicator means that others feel good about themselves when they are with you.
It means that others look forward to being with you because they like themselves better as a result of being around you.
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Next steps: Review the steps that will be taken to improve the situation, particularly if you‘re going to do any of it together.
Give the sense of constructive, forward motion.
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Appreciation:
Tell them how much you appreciate how well they took your feedback. Praise even the slightest good effort here; you‘re providing positive reinforcement so they‘ll improve over time.
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A positive future:
Bring up anything that both of you can look forward to in the future, such as exciting events or upcoming projects—whatever conveys the fact that you‘re looking forward to future interactions.
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Forgiving yourself and getting into a good mental state also helps you avoid appearing overly apologetic, subservient, or insecure.
With the confidence that accompanies a positive internal state you can embody both warmth and contrition, yet still be seen as coming from a place of strength.
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Whether you‘re apologizing in person or on the phone, your first concern is to let the other person have their say.
The simplest and most effective way to do so is just to listen: give them the complete presence of focus charisma.
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Just coming into a conversation with the mindset of ―Help me understand how you see things
can change the outcome completely. The simple fact of being in an open mental stance affects your voice, your facial expressions, the words you use, and your body posture, and it dramatically changes the emotional tenor of the interaction. Your goodwill is written across your face and shows up in your every microexpression.
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Express appreciation for their help or positive impact:
it‘ll make them rationalize their actions in your favor.
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When delivering criticism, get into a state of goodwill, and focus the request for
change on specific behaviors rather than on personal traits.
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When you‘re delivering a presentation, you‘re in the entertainment business, whether you know it or not.
So make the story dramatic. You‘re calling on visionary charisma here; and as with all forms of charisma, you‘re tapping into people‘s emotional side.
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Using metaphors and analogies can be a highly effective way of capturing your audience‘s imagination. For maximum impact, choose images and analogies that would appeal to a young audience.
The speeches that give us a feeling of awe and wonder are those that appeal to our childhood roots.
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Whether you use a story, example, number, or statistic, make sure that you close with either a clear point or a transition to the action step you want your audience to take
Remember to make this so simple that even a multitasking, partially listening audience member would get it.
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When you know that a particular presentation will have a significant impact on your career, it‘s worth rehearsing until you feel that it‘s part of your very bones.
One interesting technique used by magicians is to run through the entire presentation once with their eyes closed.
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owning the stage, and there are three tricks to making it happen.
First, when you stand, be sure to have a wide stance, well balanced on both feet. Not only will you feel more confident, you‘ll also look more confident, more stable, than if you were standing on one foot. Wide, stable stances also help you to project confidence. Be the gorilla!
Second, practice without a podium or a lectern. Speaking behind one can give the impression that you‘re fearful to venture out, and prefer staying behind the safety of a shield. It also makes the presentation much more static. Think of the stereotype of a boring presentation: a lecturer who stands immobile at his lectern, reading from his notes in a monotone voice. Moving comfortably around the stage will make you appear much more confident, powerful, and charismatic.
Third, find the right volume to project confidence. This is tricky, as so much can depend on the microphone you‘re given that day or how the sound system is set up. Your best bet is, just before the speech, to ask a few people sitting in the back of the room to be your sound experts and give you a prearranged signal to raise or lower your volume if need be.
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A fireside chat is a comfortable conversation that creates a sense of intimacy. Imagine sitting by a fire telling stories to your favorite friends or having a comfortable conversation with just one person.
To make your audience feel particularly special, speak as if you were sharing a secret.
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After delivering a key point or an impactful story, pause for a few seconds to let your audience take it in.
If you‘ve just used humor, have the courage to wait for the laughter to swell and subside before you move on.
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The single most important guideline for a successful speech is simple: make it about them, not about you.
If, instead, you can make it all about your audience—wondering how they‘re doing—you take the focus off yourself, lift your self- consciousness, and get into a state of goodwill, which will be read and appreciated by the audience.
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people who respond to crisis with bold, decisive actions will be perceived as charismatic.
First, retain at least a certain measure of equanimity. Most charismatic leaders are known for their ability to remain (or appear) calm even in the midst of turbulent circumstances. As you know, anxiety impacts how you feel, how you perform, and how others perceive you and react to you. It‘s often immediately visible in your body language.
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expressing high performance expectations‖ of people while ―communicating a high degree of confidence‖ in their ability to meet those expectations
was the hallmark of charismatic leadership.
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Think of the people you want your charisma to impact. What standard would you like them to live up to or exceed?
Express this expectation as if you have full confidence that they can live up to it. Better yet, act like you assume they already are meeting these standards.
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articulate a vision. A charismatic vision is what will give your charisma staying power when the crisis is over.
your vision must vividly illustrate the difference between the way things are now and the way they could be. Charismatic leaders often point out deficiencies in the status quo, contrast this picture to a glorious future, and show how they intend to get there. Though this might sound complex, it‘s something many of us do already.
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Studies consistently show that in times of crisis, people instinctively turn to individuals who are bold, confident, and decisive.
Crisis creates uncertainty, which creates angst, and people will cling to whatever they feel diminishes this angst. This is why faith, vision, and authority have such power in times of crisis.
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Giving people a sense of ownership for your success is a great way to prevent resentment and engender good feelings, such as pride and loyalty, instead.
When people feel that they‘ve had a hand in ―making‖ you, they feel a certain ownership of and identification with you, and therefore a certain responsibility for your success.
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To mitigate envy and resentment, reflect or transfer praise and glory.
Highlight others who deserve praise and give people ownership of your success.
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Showing vulnerability will make you more likable and more relatable, and will prevent people from expecting you to be superhuman,
all-powerful, all-knowing, and always right.
