Boundaries and Assertiveness

Question 1

1.You have the right to judge your own _____________, and to take _____________ initiation and _____________ upon yourself.
2.You have the right to offer _____________ for justifying your behavior.
3.You have the right to judge if you are _____________ to other people’s problems.
4.You have the right to _____________ your mind.
5.You have the right to make _____________ and be _____________ for them.

Answer 1

1. behaviors, thoughts and emotions
   responsibility for their
   consequences
2. no reasons or excuses
3. responsible for finding solutions
4. change
5. mistakes
   responsible

Question 2

You have the right to say

Answer 2

No
I don’t know
I don’t understand
I don’t care

Question 3

You have the right to be _____________ in making decisions.
You have the right to do _____________ you are humanly capable of doing.
You have the right to _____________ you need to respond.
You have the right to _____________ with others regardless of their _____________ or numbers.
You have the right to _____________ all of your emotions (including anger) and _____________ them appropriately.

Answer 3

Illogical
less than
take the time
disagree, position
feel, express

Question 4

You have the right to ask ______________.
You have the right to be treated with ______________.
You have the right to ask for what you ______________.
You have the right to feel ______________ about yourself, your actions and your life.
You have the right to exercise any and all of the these rights, without feeling ______________.

Answer 4

questions
respect
want
good
guilty

Question 5

Ways to handle oversharing:

Answer 5

1. Gently redirect the person to a more appropriate topic.
2. Assertively say, ‘Wow, this seems like a critical conversation that we should have at another time.’
3. Say something like, ‘I don’t feel equipped to help with this situation. Do you mind if I change the topic of the conversation.’

Question 6

About explaining your boundaries

Answer 6

There are times when it’s okay to explain. Just be mindful of how the person has responded in the past to your explanations. If they accepted the explanation and moved on, go ahead and offer a brief reason. If explaining created a disagreement, keep your response brief.

Question 7

Ways to handle guilt tripping:

Answer 7

1. Make the conversation about you, not them.
   It’s nothing personal. I just have preferences for myself.
2. Declare that you have made your decision.
   Your response seems like you’re trying to change my mind.

Question 8

You don’t have to be boundary-less to be ___________.

Answer 8

loved

Question 9

Passive communication:

Answer 9

Having an issue but not saying anything.
Allowing people to do and say thing with which you disagree.
Ignoring things that are triggering for you.

Question 10

Aggressive communication:

Answer 10

Demeaning others to make your point.
Using yelling, name calling, cursing as tactics to convey your opinion.
Using the past to shame people.
Being loud and wrong (making up facts to pretend to be right).
Confronting people to pick a fight.
Using cynical humour to ridicule, such as, ‘You’re fat! You know I am just joking, stop being so sensitive.’

Question 11

Passive aggressive communication:

Answer 11

Appearing upset but refusing to admit it.
Making verbal attacks not related to the current situation.
Being moody for no known reason (often).
Bringing up issues from the past.
Engaging in problem-focused complaining.
Gossiping about things you could fix but have no intention of addressing.

Question 12

Manipulation:

Answer 12

Making an issue you have with them seem like an issue with you - gaslighting.
Asking for help at the last minute and informing you that they have no other options.
Telling a story that’s intended to evoke pity.
Leaving out critical parts of the story to persuade you to support them.
Withholding affection to get you to feel bad or change your behavior.
Using your relationship with them as a reason that you should do certain things, e.g. wives should cook or you should see your mother every day.

Question 13

Assertiveness:

Answer 13

saying no to anything you don’t want to do.
Telling people how you feel as a result of their behavior.
Sharing your honest thoughts about your experiences.
Responding in the moment.
Instead of talking to a third party, talking directly to the person you have issues with.
Making your expectations clear up front instead of assuming people will figure them out.

Question 14

3 steps to assertive communication:

Answer 14

1. Be clear.
   Do your best to be as straightforward as possible.
   Mind your tone - don’t yell or whisper.
   People will miss the boundary if you use complicated words or jargon.
   Take a deep, deep breath and focus on being precise.
2. Directly state your need or request, or say no.
   Don’t just mention what you don’t like; ask for what you need or want. Identify your expectations, or decline the offer.
3. Dealing with the discomfort is the hardest part.
   Discomfort is the number one reason we want to avoid this. It’s common to feel guilty, afraid, sad, remorseful or awkward.
   There is no guilt free boundaries.
   We are made to feel guilty about having wants and needs.

Question 15

Reminders if you feel guilty:

Answer 15

It’s healthy for you to have boundaries.
Other people have boundaries that you respect.
Setting boundaries is a sign of a healthy relationship.
If boundaries ruin a relationship, it was on the verge of ending anyway.

Question 16

Common responses around boundary setting:

Answer 16

guilt, fear, sadness, remorse, awkwardness

Question 17

In Current Relationships

Answer 17

Identify the areas in which you need limits.
State your needs clearly.
Don’t explain yourself or provide a detailed story about what’s behind your request.
Be consistent in upholding your boundaries.
Restate your needs when necessary.

Question 18

In New Relationships

Answer 18

Mention what you want casually in conversations as you’re getting to know people.
Have an open discussion about why having your needs met is important to you.
Be clear about your expectations.
The first time someone violates your boundaries, let them know that a violation occurred.
Restate your needs.

Question 19

How do difficult people react to boundary setting?

Answer 19

Pushback, testing limits, rationalising and questioning, defensiveness, silent treatment.

Question 20

How to deal with difficult people when setting boundaries?

Answer 20

1. Be okay with their reactions.
   Assertively restate it.
2. Correct the violation in real time. Don’t let the opportunity pass and then mention it later. Say it in the moment.
3. Accept that they, although difficult, are entitled to their response even if it’s different from the one you’d like.
4. Decide not to take it personally. They want to do what they want to do. You’re asking them to do something uncomfortable that’s likely difficult for them.
5. Manage your discomfort.

Question 21

What is the acclimation period?

Answer 21

It’s the adjustment period.
Allow time for people to adjust to your boundaries. If you’ve tolerated certain problematic behaviors in the past, the other person will likely be shocked.
You will likely need to restate your boundaries multiple times. Try not to explain yourself. It’s essential that you religiously uphold them.

Question 22

Starting statements that help you stay grounded in the truth of who you are:

Answer 22

I need, I want, I expect.

Question 23

What to avoid when setting boundaries:

Answer 23

Never, ever apologise.
Don’t waver. Don’t allow people to violate your boundaries even one time.
Don’t say too much.

Question 24

Common Reasons People Don’t Respect Boundaries:

Answer 24

You aren’t upholding your boundaries with them.
You didn’t speak in a firm tone.
You didn’t state a need or an expectation.
Your boundaries are flexible. One minute, they’re serious; the next, they aren’t.
You assume people will self-correct even if you don’t tell them what you need or want.
You believe that stating your boundary once should be enough.
You apologize for having boundaries.
You issue consequences and don’t stick to them.

Question 25

Quick tips for handing boundary violations:

Answer 25

Speak up in the moment.
Verbalise your boundaries with others. Do it organically in conversations.
If someone violates a boundary, tell them how you feel, and restate it.
Don’t let people slide - not even once.

Question 26

Summary (in one line)
Passive:
Passive-Aggressive:
Aggressive:
Manipulation:
Assertive:

Answer 26

Passive: Letting it slide.
Passive-Aggressive: Acting upset without clearly stating your needs to the other person.
Aggressive: Being rigid, inflexible, and demanding about what you need.
Manipulation: Coercively attempting to get your needs met.
Assertive: Telling people exactly what you desire clearly and firmly.

Question 27

Boundaries with self:

Answer 27

I speak to myself as gently as I would talk to a small child.
I coach myself through awkward moments.
I allow myself to make mistakes without judging myself harshly.
I don’t call myself names.
I don’t make mean comments about myself either in my mind or out loud in front of others.