Assignment three Flashcards
Re-pression is the process of a unconsciously “forgetting” painful memories, and is a logical outgrowth of the denial and distortion of reality that reign in alcoholic families.true or false?
True.
Thoughts on adult children and the alcoholic family:
Most adult children continue to interact regularly with their families. Adult children of alcoholics may also become embroiled in family arguments over how to manage sick alcoholic parents, that is whether to enable them to continue drinking or to intervene to help them stop. The interaction between adult children and their alcoholic parents depends in large part on whether or not the children and or parents have come out of their denial. From rescuer to victim:
Picture a triangle with the following words at each corner: rescuer, persecutor, victim. These are the three rolls codependent people successfully play according to Stephen Karpman, who developed this model. we could say we rescue whenever we take care of people who could take care of themselves. People inevitably become angry with a person they have so generously rescued because they felt forced to do something they did not want to do and which, in reality, was not their responsibility. Not only that but the poor victim just rescued at great personal sacrifice to the rescuer, does not appreciate – – or even acknowledge – – the rescue. In fact when the adult child rescuer– Turned persecutor,directly or indirectly criticizes the alcoholic parents behavior, he or she is well on the way to the remaining role, the victim.
Many times they experience “growing down” when they return to their parents home. This is ironic considering the fact that many of them were forced into “growing up” so fast they lost their childhoods. When adult children feel “grown down” they find it nearly impossible to emotionally separate from their parents.
It has been said that alcoholics do not have relationships, they take hostages. Alcoholic parents use their influence to impose heavy burdens upon the children which crush their hopes for healthy in interdependent lives. As Christians adults, these children often stagger in their spiritual walk under the burden of their distorted God concepts.
Apparently alcoholics take many of their children hostages for life. Because of imprisoning loyalties so characteristic of the alcoholic homes, many adult children find themselves unable to mostly separate from the alcoholic family system.
The most effective way to keep a life threatening secret is to forget the secret. True or false?
True.
What is a good scripture to use when counseling for patience?
Psalm 51:6. You desire truth in the innermost being and in the hidden parts you will make me to know wisdom.
State three types of feelings a person feels under present pain.
Disloyal and aggressive.
Responsible and trapped.
Orphaned and abandoned.
List 11 approaches that are proven helpful when counseling for trust.
Give counselees continuous reassurance that it is right for them to recognize and speak the truth.
Assign meditation and memorization the Bible verses on truth discussed on page 108.
Have Christians from alcoholic homes do a topical study on truth and/or deceit.
Have them write out, sign, and date a contract with God to denounce deceit commit to “truth in the hidden parts.”
Frequently remind counselees that you will help them work toward genuine forgiveness. Some Christian counselors preferred to begin with counselees by securing statements of intent to forgive everyone who has ever hurt them. Either way, raising the issue of forgiveness at the outset frees Christian adult children of alcoholics to experience possibly guilt – inducing feelings of anger and abandonment, knowing they will move beyond these emotions into forgiveness.
Have counselees meditate upon and memorize verses like John 14:18 “I will not leave you as orphans; I will come to you”.
Also Hebrews 13:5 For He himself has said, “I will never leave you, nor will I ever for sake you, so that we can confidently say, the Lord is my helper, I will not be afraid. What shall man do to me?
Address the codependent and irrrational sense of responsibility for family members often seen in adult children of alcoholics.
Assign and or provide materials on codependency and characteristics of ACOA to augment information provided by the counselor.
Begin teaching counselees about respecting others made in the image of God by letting others be responsible for the consequences of their own actions.
Give permission to grieve childhood losses, and direct counselees To Psalm chapter 27.
Encourage counselees to join a support group or a therapy group.
Adult children and the alcoholic family:
Most adult children of alcoholics continue to interact regularly with their families. Adult children of alcoholics may also become embroiled in family arguments over how to manage sick alcoholic parents, in other words, whether to enable them to continue drinking or to intervene to help them stop.
The interactions between adult children and their alcoholic and co-alcoholic parents, depend in large part upon whether or not the children and/or parents have come out of their denial.
The rescuing behavior motives such as “saying yes when we mean no.” Characterize codependent relationships, and no where do adult children of alcoholics manifest more codependency than in relationship with their parents. According to Stephen Karpman, there are three rolls of codependents: rescuer, persecutor, and victim. We could say we rescue whenever we take care of people who could take care of themselves.
The next role is the “persecutor”.
People inevitably become angry with the person they have “generously” rescued because they feel forced to do something they did not want to do and, which, in reality, was not their responsibility. They have become the persecutor.
When the adult child rescuer – turned -persecutor directly or indirectly criticizes the alcoholic parents behavior, they are well on their way to the remaining role of “victim”.
Rescuers and up as victims.
Imprisoning loyalties:
Cermack and Brown reported that members joined their therapy groups for adult children of alcoholics not only because they were concerned that their own alcoholism was in evitable, but because of feeling responsible for the welfare of their own families.
The loyalty demanded of children in alcoholic families is a constricting, stifling, and imprisoning.
Imprisoning loyalties bind adult children to their parents and their families, requiring them to mold their lives around the needs and wishes of their parents.
Imprisoning loyalties and marriage:
Sometimes children, especially daughters, Marry at an early age to escape the chaos created by their parents only to discover they have created their own chaos. Other adult children delay their marriages to remain un-distracted and available to continue parenting their parents.
As noted in chapter 4, my research study reported 32.8% of subjects raised in alcoholic homes had been divorced at least once compared with 9.7% of those from nonalcoholic families.
Imprisoning loyalties and parenting:
If adult children of alcoholics marry, they and their spouses may find it embarrassing and difficult to deal with the alcoholic parents. Many adult children of alcoholics describe the same “little kid” feeling that Candace felt. They experience “growing down” when they return to their parents home. This is ironic considering the fact that many of them were forced into “growing up” so fast they lost their childhoods. When adult children feel “grown down” they find it nearly impossible to emotionally separate from their parents.
Imprisoning loyalties and seeking help:
It has been said that alcoholics do not have relationships, they take hostages. Because of imprisoning loyalties so characteristic of alcoholic homes, many adult children find themselves unable to emotionally separate from the alcoholic family system. Researchers concluded that adult children of alcoholics seeking help felt they were abandoning their families since they were forced to confront the alcoholic denial that is the basis of attachment to, and organizing principle of, the alcoholic family system. Some felt that by seeking help for themselves and breaking denial, they had betrayed their parents and families and, at the same time, been abandoned by them.
Wings and strings:
Exodus 20 verse 12 says “honor your father and mother”. Alcoholic and co- alcoholic parents use their influence to impose heavy burdens upon their children which crush their hopes for healthy: interdependent lives. As
Christian adults, these children often stagger in their spiritual walk under the burden of their distorted to God – concepts.
Adult children and their concepts of God:
Spiritual abuse:
Spiritual abuse occurs every time a child is physically, sexually, emotionally or mentally abused, because the message the child to gets from the parents is: “I can do anything I want with you.” In effect, the child gets the message mistaken idea that the parent is the child’s higher power. It Is crucial to the development of spirituality that the children are taught the concept of a power that is both higher than themselves – and higher than their parents.
Even if a family is devoid of formal religious training, the child in that family is learning about the attributes of God as surely as anyone in any one in a seminary. Christian adult children of alcoholics struggle more to believe, appropriate, and live out their faith than do their peers in the pew who are not from alcoholic homes.
That struggle seems to be rooted in distorted concepts of God. “Man creates God in his own image.” Perhaps it would be more accurate to say that man creates God in the image of his parents – especially his father. When a person is injured by the father, his ability to relate to God is impaired.
Damaged perceptions:
When perceiving receptors have been severely damaged the biblical truths get distorted. Present stimulation is interpreted in light of past experience. In effect, our today’s – including our concepts of God – are perceived with receptors constructed from past experiences. Parents or parent surrogates, are the earliest and most influential authority figures by which to interpret all present and future authority figures, human or divine. As adults these children may enter wary relationships with a higher power who bears little resemblance to the God of Abraham Isaac and Jacob. If adult children of alcoholics become Christians, they enter the lifelong task of clarifying their concepts of God. The Word had to become flesh.
God had gone as far as he could in revealing himself through words. Words are subject to the distortions of sinful and damaged mirrors. Only when the Word became a human life was it possible for us to see the true picture of God.
Distorted deities:
The author has identified five major distortions of the character of God common to Christian adult children of alcoholics:
The cruel and capricious God.
The demanding and unforgiving God. This selective and unfair God.
The distant and unavailable God.
The kind but confused God.
The cruel and capriciousGod:
Almost without exception, adults with this perception of God were repeatedly abused in brutal and unpredictable ways as children. One child so abused said God is so cruel, but it doesn’t matter because He can do anything he wants. Who am I to object?
The demanding and unforgiving God:
These children have experienced more neglect then abuse. Often these are the children who performed the responsible one/hero role in their alcoholic families and they are still performing for their demanding, unforgiving God.
The selective and unfair God:
I have talked with many Christian adults from alcoholic families who do not believe God is cruel, capricious, demanding and unforgiving with all his children–only with them. God has a different kind of relationship with other Christians they imagine. Thy have a God that treats them discriminately and more harshly than others.
The distant and unavailable God:
He is just inaccessible to them. They feel he was sort of there – but not there – in their lives. And that’s how they see God – there, but not there.
The kind but confused God:
This God is perceived as being benign and ineffectual.
The author has found that Christians raised in alcoholic homes may be unable to believe biblical promises or to appropriate comfort and encouragement from them.
Personal devotional practices of prayer and/or Bible study of evangelical adult children of alcoholics in this study were almost identical to those of the adult children of nonalcoholics.
Spiritual wounds:
It is as though the child had been wounded and was never properly treated, like an injury not allowed to heal properly, it carries over into adulthood as chronic health problems.
List the five questions that C.A.S.T. asks of the adult children of alcoholics:
Did you ever feel alone, scared, nervous, angry or frustrated because a parent was not able to stop drinking?
Have you ever heard your parents fight when one of them was drunk?
Did you ever feel responsible for and guilty about a parents drinking?
Did you ever threaten to run away from home because of the parents drinking?
Has a parent ever yelled at or hit you or other family members when drinking.
List four scripture verses that are particularly helpful when counseling for truth:
Proverbs 4:8 The wisdom of the prudent is to understand his way, but the folly of fools is deceit.
Proverbs 12:17 He who speaks truth tells what is right, but a false witness, deceit.
John 8:32 And you shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free.
Psalms 51:6 behold You desire truth in the innermost being and in the hidden part you will make me to know wisdom.
Repression is the process of unconsciously “forgetting” painful memories, and is a logical outgrowth of the denial and distortion of reality that reign in alcoholic families. True or false?
True.
Sanctification and Recovery parallels:
There are parallels between sanctification and recovery: Beginning with salvation or freedom from the penalty of sin or spiritual death there is movement towards sanctification which is freedom from the power of sin or spiritual defeat. Secondly, discovery which is freedom from the penalty of the past or personal death moves to recovery that is freedom from the power of the past which is personal defeat.
