Act 2 Scene 3

Question 1

D: I can’t remember your cousin Darren

Answer 1

I can, but not remembering our Darren sounds like a much better idea

Question 2

D: Was he that bad?

Answer 2

He was a total noodle. He got drunk on night and broke into the first car he saw. Ripped the radio out. Went home well pleased til he found out next day he’d done his own motor

Question 3

D: Did I ever meet him?

Answer 3

He was there at our Marilyn’s wedding

Question 4

D: Which one, she’s had three

Answer 4

The one when she married that foreign bloke. Came from Ipswich

Question 5

D: How foreign is that?

Answer 5

He was Mexican

Question 6

D: He wasn’t Mexican. He was a waiter in a Mexican restaurant.

Answer 6

He smelt Mexican

Question 7

D: He spoke Ipswich

Answer 7

Which you could easily mistake for Mexican. Anyway, Darren was there, at the wedding

Question 8

D: I can’t place him. Was he big, fat, tall, small?

Answer 8

Yeah

Question 9

D: What do you mean Yes? I’m trying to get a picture

Answer 9

You should ask the Plods. They were always taking his picture.

Question 10

E: They promise we’re next. What happened here? (staring at dummy head on floor)

Answer 10

It was on the floor. Which reminds me, where’s our Rose?

Question 11

E: That’s no longer the same human being that Onslow found looking lost

Answer 11

He never had a chance. Fell straight into the intensive course

Question 12

H: I hope she’s not making herself too available

Answer 12

As if she would

Question 13

H to D: I try hard not to remember Onslow’s family dear

Answer 13

Me too.

Question 14

H: he has fond memories of Egypt. Both he and general Montgomery used proudly to show their British legs in shorts

Answer 14

Not that short. You could almost see the pyramids!

Question 15

H: Onslow, you’re in costume. You must lend Daddy your trousers you left in your dressing room

Answer 15

Oh Nice! Have you seen the kind of stuff he puts in his pockets. he keeps food in his pockets

Question 16

H: Onslow, what was it yesterday?

Answer 16

He tends to keep it to himself. You need security clearance.

Question 17

E: What’s he want now

Answer 17

Your watch. Give him your watch. I’ll get it back for you later.

Question 18

H: I won’t have him knocked down and taken to hospital in suspect underwear

Answer 18

She keeps him ready at all times for sudden death

Question 19

H: I’m glad Mrs Debden is seeing you in a suit

Answer 19

It’s coming off right now. I’ll wear it when the photographer comes. A bloke has to have a break from terminal tailoring….

That’s better, get the blood flowing again!

Question 20

D: to what end may I enquire

Answer 20

If there’s nothing on telly, you’re in with a chance

Question 21

H: he steams when he’s wet. He wrinkles my embossed wallpaper

Answer 21

Why was he wet?

Question 22

D: They have more fun that I do

Answer 22

What about last Tuesday?

Question 23

H: Not having Daddy, Mrs Debden, I would always be available for charitable purposes

Answer 23

Just like our Rose

Question 24

H (to Mrs D): I wanted so much to earn your approval

Answer 24

Balls to her approval! If she can’t see a workhorse when she’s found one she can bog off

Question 25

H: He didn’t mean that. He’s been disorientated recently by a bowler hat and acceptable tailoring

Answer 25

I did mean it. You’ll be on to a winner with our Hyacinth, missis. She’s no end of a pain but she’ll work her socks off for you

Question 26

R: She’s the one we all turn to in a crisis

Answer 26

When did we have a crisis?

Question 27

D: Haven’t you noticed? We’re always a crisis

Answer 27

Feels like home to me

Question 28

D: She gives us a lot of stick but she’s where we go when there’s trouble

Answer 28

It just knocks me out the way she gets people organised. Her husband for a start.

Question 29

H: Daisy, I hardly think I’m built like a locomotive

Answer 29

Always thought you were quite impressive from the rear

Question 30

D: She’s impressive front and rear. She’s like Gibraltar on legs

Answer 30

Not built for playtime, but great for hiding behind.

Question 31

H: Thank you for your kind comments

Answer 31

You’re welcome

Question 32

H shies away from a hug and offers a hand instead

Answer 32

Come here! I bet you’ve never had a sleeveless hug!

Question 33

Mrs D: Oh good lord!

Answer 33

Relax missis. We’re not all that bad I always say for a dysfunctional family.