Act 2 Scene 3 Flashcards
D: I can’t remember your cousin Darren
I can, but not remembering our Darren sounds like a much better idea
D: Was he that bad?
He was a total noodle. He got drunk on night and broke into the first car he saw. Ripped the radio out. Went home well pleased til he found out next day he’d done his own motor
D: Did I ever meet him?
He was there at our Marilyn’s wedding
D: Which one, she’s had three
The one when she married that foreign bloke. Came from Ipswich
D: How foreign is that?
He was Mexican
D: He wasn’t Mexican. He was a waiter in a Mexican restaurant.
He smelt Mexican
D: He spoke Ipswich
Which you could easily mistake for Mexican. Anyway, Darren was there, at the wedding
D: I can’t place him. Was he big, fat, tall, small?
Yeah
D: What do you mean Yes? I’m trying to get a picture
You should ask the Plods. They were always taking his picture.
E: They promise we’re next. What happened here? (staring at dummy head on floor)
It was on the floor. Which reminds me, where’s our Rose?
E: That’s no longer the same human being that Onslow found looking lost
He never had a chance. Fell straight into the intensive course
H: I hope she’s not making herself too available
As if she would
H to D: I try hard not to remember Onslow’s family dear
Me too.
H: he has fond memories of Egypt. Both he and general Montgomery used proudly to show their British legs in shorts
Not that short. You could almost see the pyramids!
H: Onslow, you’re in costume. You must lend Daddy your trousers you left in your dressing room
Oh Nice! Have you seen the kind of stuff he puts in his pockets. he keeps food in his pockets
H: Onslow, what was it yesterday?
He tends to keep it to himself. You need security clearance.
E: What’s he want now
Your watch. Give him your watch. I’ll get it back for you later.
H: I won’t have him knocked down and taken to hospital in suspect underwear
She keeps him ready at all times for sudden death
H: I’m glad Mrs Debden is seeing you in a suit
It’s coming off right now. I’ll wear it when the photographer comes. A bloke has to have a break from terminal tailoring….
That’s better, get the blood flowing again!
D: to what end may I enquire
If there’s nothing on telly, you’re in with a chance
H: he steams when he’s wet. He wrinkles my embossed wallpaper
Why was he wet?
D: They have more fun that I do
What about last Tuesday?
H: Not having Daddy, Mrs Debden, I would always be available for charitable purposes
Just like our Rose
H (to Mrs D): I wanted so much to earn your approval
Balls to her approval! If she can’t see a workhorse when she’s found one she can bog off
H: He didn’t mean that. He’s been disorientated recently by a bowler hat and acceptable tailoring
I did mean it. You’ll be on to a winner with our Hyacinth, missis. She’s no end of a pain but she’ll work her socks off for you
R: She’s the one we all turn to in a crisis
When did we have a crisis?
D: Haven’t you noticed? We’re always a crisis
Feels like home to me
D: She gives us a lot of stick but she’s where we go when there’s trouble
It just knocks me out the way she gets people organised. Her husband for a start.
H: Daisy, I hardly think I’m built like a locomotive
Always thought you were quite impressive from the rear
D: She’s impressive front and rear. She’s like Gibraltar on legs
Not built for playtime, but great for hiding behind.
H: Thank you for your kind comments
You’re welcome
H shies away from a hug and offers a hand instead
Come here! I bet you’ve never had a sleeveless hug!
Mrs D: Oh good lord!
Relax missis. We’re not all that bad I always say for a dysfunctional family.
